Poked

Today marks our 4th IUI procedure (a natural one- no meds). Babycakes just texted me that "The Eagle has Landed!"- meaning his troops have been safely dropped off and are now being spun & washed to become their most charming & beautiful selves. I will follow later this afternoon to get those troops inserted & started on their monumental Olympic swim toward the finish line.

It is very likely we are going to try what is called an injectable cycle next month (should we not conceive this round). This is kind of the middle ground intervention between Clomid IUI's and the big guns of IVF. Instead of taking daily pills to stimulate ovulation, I'll be getting poked daily with self induced hormone shots (Gonadatrophin). Then I'll get poked to give blood every 3 days, along with routine ultrasounds to monitor follicular development. Then I'll get poked with a shot to induce ovulation. I'll also continue to get poked 2x/week by an acupuncturist specializing in fertility treatments.

I had my "Injectables" class yesterday to show me how the needles work, what is involved with the cycle, etc. Ideally they want you to have 2-3 good follicles that develop from the meds (any more than that and they may cancel the cycle due to a concern with multiples). They monitor you every 3 days, and when you have a couple good follies, you give yourself ANOTHER shot (Ovidril) to stimulate ovulation, then go in for 2 back-to-back IUI's. The nurse said Chlomid/IUI cycles have about an 8% success rate, an injectable cycle about 25%. Of all pregnancies conceived on injectable cycles, 30% are multiples- so those odds definitely go up. We'd be down with twins- hey, it's an INSTA-FAMILY! But I wouldn't want to risk any more than that.

Phew. Suddenly Clomid's hot flashes aren't looking so shabby after typing all that out!

Dear Clomid:

 I'm so sorry I ever bad-mouthed you. You are a sweet, gentle, unassuming charmer compared to what this Injectables Army has up its sleeve. I will remember you fondly once all this poking begins.

Love, Me

Hurricane, Baby

I would have MUCH rather titled this post "Hurricane Baby!!"- but that wasn't in the stars this month.

Babycakes and I had an amazing trip to NYC, complete with several atmospheric adventures. On the 3.5 hour plane ride there, we learned mid-air that an earthquake had struck the east coast (what?!) and that all NYC airports were closed. We looked at each other & said "game on!"- not knowing what this may mean for our trip. Happily, by the time the flight was coming to an end, airports had re-opened, and we landed safely and on time.

Then the talk of Hurricane Irene began. A hurricane headed straight for NYC! If we wanted adventure on this trip, we sure had it, The hurricane was set to hit the Sunday we were supposed to leave the city; on the Friday before, JetBlue sent me an email saying our Sunday flight was cancelled and re-scheduled for the following Tuesday. Our reaction? WA-HOO!! A mandatory extension of vacation! We promptly ordered $100 worth of room service, stocking our hotel's mini fridge with hurricane provisions.

Our Hurricane Cuisine

I have definitely been ovulating a lot later in my cycle since the laproscopy- around CD 21- and this happened to fall on the weekend of the hurricane. I got a bit geeked out thinking about what a GREAT story that would make- that we conceived in NYC during its historic hurricane! We tossed out "I" names that would be appropriate for a Hurricane Baby and did what we could to ensure that this baby had every opportunity to come along.

I also had a pretty cool visual that weekend.  I had laid down for a nap/meditation, and at that awesome space where I was in a place that was neither waking nor sleeping- pure spirit- I literally felt like someone took my hand and was holding it. I felt my body fill up with light energy, and then- I kid you not- I heard a baby cry, and this jolted me back to full consciousness. In a hoarse whisper I said to BC "Did you HEAR that?!" but he was softly snoring beside me. It was enough to convince me that this HAD to be IT!

You know what really, really sucks about getting this hopeful? When it ISN'T "it."

This month when the bleeding began, I felt knocked down by the waves of extreme grief. Unfortunately, AF happened on a busy Thursday morning, so there wasn't time to let the sorrow out. And then there weren't any seemingly good times after that either (this is a problem I have- never a good "time" to cry, so I don't). What happens to my sorrow in these circumstances is that it calcifies into hard and red ANGER. 

So WTF was that hand-holding, baby crying s***?

Why why WHY are WE having to struggle with this? Two loving people who are financially stable, have bought our dream home (with 2 empty future kids' rooms to boot), and are totally ready & wanting babies?

The hopefulness I felt after the laproscopy is diminishing further with each passing month. Realistically I know it hasn't been THAT long that we've been trying post-surgery (3 full cycles)- but "Hurricane Despair" is such a powerful, familiar, & palpable presence, it can drown me in an instant. And this month, I wasn't prepared with the right provisions with which to weather the storm.

Rope Burn

"Ladies & Gentlemen, I present to you the official Lambert Tug-of-War Challenge!

On team Team #1 we have Optimism & Hope!

And on Team #2: Repression & Fear.

It's anyone's game on a day to day, minute by minute basis."

I was reminded again the other night how much I have deeply repressed my desires for children. The emotions will sneak up on me when I least expect them. In this case, it was while watching the movie "The Lovely Bones," which is about the murder of a young girl, and how her family deals with the loss. My emotional wells started going into overtime, and I had this deep, visceral, mournful reminder of how badly I DO want children. It emanated from the depths of my soul, bringing with it vivid flashes of the life I thought I'd have by this age.

It was about 4-6 months into our journey of trying to conceive when I starting repressing this desire, and the repression has formed such a hard callous that no one would ever realize how raw the flesh is beneath. Team Repression & Fear was thus created, and they are definitely a force to be reckoned with. It is a protective mechanism- I don't know how many times I've said to folks something along the lines of "at this age (35) I am so used to NOT having children and having that lifestyle, that if it isn't meant to happen, it will definitely be a different path, but a FUN one with trips & shopping & happy hours!" And part of me has to believe that I will be ok with that outcome.

But then team Optimism & Hope starts tugging at the rope, and my callous rips open again, letting those deep tides of emotion come pouring out. "Now your endometriosis is cleared!" it will say, as I optimistically move right into an immediate IUI that same month. "The first 6 months after laparoscopic surgery are the most fertile!" it will coo, as I proceed into the 2nd month post surgery with clomid and an IUI.

Then the blinding cramps & bleeding begin, and Repression & Fear give a huge HEAVE-HO to the rope. Again I am burned, not sure which way I will be tugged next.

The silver lining this month is that now I'll be free to fully play when we head on vacation to New York City (Repression & Fear's FUN life "with trips & shopping & happy hours!"). Optimism & Hope will see me bringing along the ovulation predictor kits, taking my vitamins, putting Babycakes on his own vitamin regime, & chanting the mantra "it often happens to people while on vacation!"

It's anyone's game-- but I am definitely rooting for Optimism & Hope to prevail.

August Updates

No, I'm not pregnant- but.... drum roll....

MY TEVAS ARE HOME!!!! Absolutely still a mystery where they went on their 2nd adventure, but who cares? They have apparently forgiven me for abandoning them, and to reward them, I'll be taking them on a whirlwind trip to New York City.

I also had to commemorate their homecoming with a photo shoot, mostly out of guilt that I couldn't find any good photos of them when they went missing:

"You abandon us again, and we WILL cut you!"



Tevas, Come Home!

I am holding a vigil for my beloved Teva sandals.

These weren't just any Tevas-- the traditional Teva design is one that has never worked for my flat, wide feet, as they are designed for those with high arches, always making my my feet cramp. MY Teva sandals were one of a kind. They found me about 5 years ago at the Whole Earth store, and were more of a flip-flop design- though in lieu of the flip-flop strap, they had a toe loop, which was how I found love at first try-on. I've never been able to wear flip-flops, so these fabulous Tevas were an exception on every front.

My Tevas and I had an awesome life together. We went hiking and to yoga classes. Hit all the fabulous stores in town. Toured Europe, basked on beaches, and relaxed at lovely spas. They were indestructable, always up for an adventure, and oh so loved.

But now my Tevas are gone, and admittedly, it is partly my fault. They came with me to my weekly Pilates class, and as usual, waited patiently on the wooden shoe shelves for me to finish strengthening my core. However, on this fated Wednesday, I'd brought another pair of dress shoes to change into after class, and (gasp!) left my Tevas at the studio.

Realizing my error the following morning, I called the studio, to be told my Tevas were indeed there hanging out in the same place I'd left them (so loyal!). I went by the next day (Friday) to get them, and was greeted by a perplexed Pilates teacher. "They were here yesterday- I SAW them- but I have no idea where they've gone!"

Then the case cracked open a bit- another studio member called in, and had apparently, in her post-workout-mind-fog-bliss, worn MY Tevas out instead of her own sandals (who DOES that?). My Tevas took a trip to Whole Foods on foreign feet before being promtly returned to the studio. This woman allegedly handed said Tevas back to the front desk girl, who then put them in Lost & Found. That is the last time my Tevas were heard from, and they are now officially missing again without a trace.

Tevas, where are you? Who could have mistaken you for their own? I can only speculate that someone saw your beautiful blue & purple blended straps & was powerless to resist you. I feel very angry that someone would take you like that, and sincerely hope that you are being treated well. I hope this someone's feet don't sweat & smell, and that you aren't being chewed on by this person's pets.

They literally don't create Tevas like you anymore (don't hate me b/c I looked!), and there is definitely a hole in my heart and an insatiable itch on my feet. Please come home, Tevas. I love you.

My tevas and I in happier days. This was the only picture of them I could find, and speaks to the genuine joy we shared.

Working the Core

This is my first full cycle month post surgery, and I can tell my body's system has shifted for the better! This cycle I was on 50mg of clomid again--which is known for drying up fertile CM--and I still had an abundance of it, AND it stuck around for several days, which is really great news and new for me. (Sidenote: I HATE clomid! This month's heat flashes were absolutely insane & relentless, and upon my mid cycle sonogram, I still only had one egg in there, which I totally do on my own without drugs. That was all I needed to see to say "SAYONARA!" to future months on it!)

Last weekend was an exciting one-- I had my IUI on Saturday (on cycle day 23!! I usually ovulate on day 16, so I was almost a whole week late. You know you are TTC when your hubby actually complains about how many days in a row you're doing the baby dance- we started around day 13 so it was indeed a long run!) Because it was a Saturday, I was seen by the on call doctor, whom I didn't care for at all. Babycakes' sample was labeled "marginal" this round, with 13% motility, likely b/c we hadn't abstained long enough prior (being that late, it was really hard to pinpoint when to abstain/etc). Makes me wonder if we should start him on another vitamin cocktail (which he was doing for months prior to our big "break" in March. Admittedly he hated it, but our first IUI sample was off the charts good!)

The other exciting thing that happened last weekend was that I started filming an East Austin focused House Hunters episode with my clients! I filmed for two full days (my clients three) and the crew will be back in September to finish up filming. It was so fun to see what actually goes on behind the scenes to make the show. I LOVE that HGTV program, so am super thrilled & honored to be participating in it, with an estimated air date next spring. My clients are adorable, and we all had a blast playing together for the filming days.

I also got to catch up with my dear friend Jenny Monday night, and she mentioned to me that another friend of hers had just conceived after 1 1/2 years of trying, and one thing she did different the cycle she conceived was to eat a pineapple core. Now, I had heard things about pineapple being helpful for implantation, but never heard anything about eating the core! So I googled it and found this article:

http://www.amandabears.com/pineapple-core-for-implantation.html

Then promptly went out and ended up with this:

It's a little tough to chew, but I'm in the mode of being willing to try anything, and figure it can't hurt.  I also hit my weekly Pilates class today, so am officially "working the core" on all fronts. We're in the TWW now, and I'm just taking it one day at a time, happily distracted by all the filming fun & an upcoming trip to NYC. Feeling very grateful in general, and really, truly trusting that we are on the road toward making our family. : )

Red, White, & Blue

Late last week I started to feel the familiar pre-AF cramping, along with my typical spotting. My biggest initial disappointment was that I still felt cramps! I had hopes that clearing out the endometriosis might alleviate these; alas, not yet. AF came in all her glory Saturday, and definitely gave me a run for my money. She was heavier than she's ever been day 1, which I wasn't prepared for (cue us on our 2.5 hour drive to Houston, me frantically texting all my cousins to see who might have extra tampons. Score with a cousin who was currently at Wal-Mart!)

My concern with this cycle was that I only had a 10-11 day luteal phase, which is toward the shorter end for conception (my usual luteal phases are 12-13 days). I figure my body is starting 'fresh' again, re-learning its system & hormones now that the foreign endometrial tissue has been removed. And it may take a few months for everything to truly 'take,' which is why I didn't have an emotional melt-down with AF. I am keeping my emotions in check, and figure it is as if we are JUST starting to "try" again- and I need to be patient with the process (while also staying proactive!).

So July 4th found me showing my modern American colors of red, white, & blue: red (giving my cycle day 3 blood), white (my face as said blood was drawn), and blue (that good 'ole blue vein that always bruises after giving blood). Today I see Dr. Vaughn for my first round of clomid post-surgery, and we'll continue with a few months of clomid + IUI, with acupuncture thrown in for good measure. Heat flashes in 100++ degree weather? Awesome! But it will all be worth it when our little ones decide it's time to join the family-- the window of opportunity is wide open.