March Photo Challenge

Belle over at the lovely Scrambled Eggs Blog has proposed a March photo challenge. I've decided to play along- figuring it is a great way to have a distraction from all this TTC craziness, and also a creative way to encourage me to blog more often.

Today's subject: Self Portrait

This one is pretty accurate for how I've been feeling & posting lately. It was taken with BC's iPad photo app- I was having a great time experimenting with the different settings & effects.

In my own TTC world, I've decided to try something new and revolutionary: listening to MYSELF. Taking my own intuition on treatments & timing as priority over the opinions of friends, family, acupuncturists, psychics, doctors, etc. And you know what I decided this month? I am NOT ready to have another laparoscopic surgery. At least not yet. My thought process went something like this:

*If I do the surgery now, I"ll be out of work for 2 weeks, and be compromised physically on my Wimberley trip with BC
*If I do the surgery, it guarantees I will have to have a c-section when babies come
*If I do the surgery now, we won't be able to TTC for at least 2 months, and that completely rules out any chance of Baby Lambert coming home in 2012
*Miracles do happen- *maybe* we will get a surprise natural BFP!
*I'd rather keep the window of opportunity open this month, vs slamming it shut with surgery

And here's where life steps in and has her way with me. It seems to me that once one is on the Fertility Roller-Coaster, it is extremely hard to get off. Remember that month after our 1st injectables cycle & miscarriage, when I thought either I missed ovulation completely or not ovulated at all? It seems like this is happening again.

A huge part of my decision not to do surgery this month was to keep our TTC window open (I admit I have a slight hang up about bringing a baby home in 2012, and that window is getting closer and closer to disappearing). It appears that again, my body is onto us- essentially flipping off me and my plans. I don't blame it for being confused- we pumped it so full of hormones last month that its natural mojo was completely overrun. This month, my temps are remaining high - post ovulation type high (98.1-98.2 waking)- yet ovulation has not occurred. I'm still having heat flashes, likely from my body trying to make sense of my hormonal hangover. I am on CD 13, and given the high temps, fully believe my eggs are getting BAKED and because of this will likely not release. I've been doing daily OPKs with no sign of a surge. So maybe this month wasn't such a bad time to have surgery after all. *Sigh*

Now the question becomes: do I let my body naturally get back into equilibrium (and let's face it- our TTC naturally didn't lead to much success), or do I hold on tight to the ART coaster & keep upping the anty- the hormones & surgeries & interventions- until we succeed in medically making a baby?

All I can do is take things one day at a time, one decision at a time. For now, I'm hoping my cysts are calming down & deflating, and that if my body is indeed taking a month off, it will be gearing up for bigger and brighter things in the months to come.

The Kardashians to the Rescue

I had a doozy of a day yesterday.

Admittedly, I woke up frustrated and angry. A last minute canceling of plans the previous day was still stewing with me energetically, and as I made my breakfast, I tried to dissect and release those feelings.

Then I spent the bulk of the day being micro-managed & insulted (unnecessarily, I might add) by an agent I am currently working with. The interactions were so intense that upon an 11am phone conversation with said agent, I got an instant ocular migraine. I just loathe when another person splatters their 'stuff' onto me, and am always disappointed in myself when that 'stuff' seeps in, coloring my entire day with stressful shades of melancholic gray.

I've also been totally out of tune with my cycle this month. When I got my typical signs that ovulation should be 2-3 days out - around cycle days 14-15 - I started taking my OPK tests. They never turned positive. As cd19 and 20 rolled around,  I decided to temp in the morning and discovered I had elevated temperatures. Historically this means ovulation has already occurred- but when? I am wondering if perhaps I didn't ovulate at all this month- and if I did, I totally missed the mark. Not entirely surprised my body is a bit out of whack, due to all the hormones, a pregnancy, AND a miscarriage that happened within a 30 day period last month.

I have been having mild heat flashes again in the past week, and had an intense need (don't laugh) to make chocolate chip cookies 2 nights ago. These were some of the suspicious signs from last month, so of course deep inside I remain hopeful for this cycle. Only time will tell, and now that I have no idea where I am in my cycle, I'll have no idea when to expect AF.

2012 is definitely highlighting the lesson that there is a higher plan & power at work, and that I need to continue to work on releasing CONTROL. And release it with abundant amounts of self-compassion & trust. I've started working on cutting out words & pictures for this year's vision board, and find that I am being drawn to words like "release," "flow," "discover," "allow," "inspire," etc. All words pertaining to softening & opening, being more gentle with myself.

So last night before bed, I ran a sea salt bath with the conscious intention of releasing all negative feelings from the day into those waters. I may or may not have also written the agent's name from earlier that day on a piece of paper with a few added choice words and burned it in a nearby candle (hey, I'm only human). As I fell asleep, I deliberately opened my heart space toward the agent, working on feeling forgiveness & release while requesting that I grow & learn from today's events. What else can you do?

And my subconscious gave me a lovely escape in dreamland: I got to hang out in the Kardashians' mansion, eating delicious foods, laughing, feeling tickled that I was allowed there. A perfect, silly contrast to an otherwise crappy day.

Ovidrel + IUI #1

Last night I took my Ovidrel trigger shot. That sucker hurt much more than the Gonal-F shots! I'm thinking maybe the needle was a bit thicker:

                                                 More needles! Oh boy!

I also really appreciated the verbiage in the package insert, referring repeatedly to Ovidrel users as "infertile women." Thanks for the hope, Ovidrel Makers. Real helpful.

                                  Ovidrel knows how to charm the ladies


Today started with a lovely phone call from a dear friend who moved away last year. She is expecting her 2nd little one this January, and is one of those lucky ladies who got pregnant pretty much instantly with both kiddos. It's been a treat seeing her and her husband become such conscious & amazing parents. I have a lot to learn from them!

After we got off the phone, I called my fertility clinic to see if exercise on the day of one's IUI was OK. Specifically I was debating whether or not to attend my noon Pilates class, and secretly hoping they'd tell me I shouldn't go. Alas, they were all for me continuing with my regular routine, so without any further excuses, off to Pilates I went.

Pilates was followed by acupuncture and then my afternoon IUI. Dr. V commented that I "have this IUI routine down." Not sure that is a good thing, but it sure ain't my first time at the Rodeo. BC's noontime donation looked good- not the highest counts we've had (81.7 million motile), but definitely great numbers to work with! He got a 4/4 rating. I actually compared the last 3 IUI donation sheets we've gotten (yes, I'm a freak), and realized that his insanely AMAZING donation back in September (250.4 million motile!) was the cycle following our drink-fest in NYC. Go figure. Just another way the Universe is telling me we are totally not in control (as I advise him to cut back on drinking and take his daily vitamins).

Tomorrow morning is my 2nd IUI, and should be ovulation day. Dr. V warned me I may have cramping with this month's ovulation, due to all the partying follicles making a run for it. I will hopefully also get a sonogram to see how many eggs actually released- which I am super curious about.

In closing, a picture of my kitties. Because they are cuter and more entertaining than Ovidrel needles & instructions:

                                         This fertility stuff is for the birds!

Trispastic

Those of you in the TTC world have probably heard of a BBT chart (Basal Body Temperature).  It's a tool used by women to monitor their monthly cycles based on their waking body temperature. The basics are that a "typical" chart should show lower overall body temperatures before ovulation- then a higher shift immediately post-ovulation. These charts help confirm if indeed a woman has ovulated (shown by the temp shift) and can also predict when AF is coming (the morning ones' temp again dips below to pre-O temps is usually when the bleeding begins).

I have had a very tumultuous relationship with BBT charting.  I started religiously charting about 6 months before we even started TTC, so I could learn my body's rhythms and confirm that I was indeed ovulating monthly.  Once we officially started TTC and were NOT indeed conceiving, I got frustrated with the whole BBT process and put the thermometer away.

Fast forward to this month, when I started going to a new acupuncture clinic specializing in fertility. They highly encouraged me to start temping again- and as much as it didn't sound too enticing, a part of me was curious to see --post-laparoscopy-- what my temps might look like.

As expected, I am a bit spastic with the whole BBT thing (this may be my Type A personality coming out). I wake up many times on and off in the morning anticipating taking my temperature, so have started allowing this Type A persona to take temps anywhere in the 5am-6:30am window. I will slealthfully reach out for that thermometer in the dark & muffle the beeping sounds from my soundly sleeping BC, then take mental note of the temp & record it upon my normal waking time of 7:45ish. The last couple days I've been so spastic I've mentally recorded two sets of temps- one closer to 5am, another closer to 6:30am (those temps were 98.6/98.9 and 98.5/98.8 respectively- recorded the higher ones on my chart). The general rule of thumb is that your temp slowly increases closer to waking, which is indeed what I've observed.

There is a fabled 2nd temperature shift when pregnancy is achieved, called a "Triphasic Pattern." It is also known to follow the equally fabled "Temperature Dip" that some women claim is a sign of implantation.  This month I had a pretty significant temp dip at 9dpo (98.1), followed the next 2 days by higher than ever temps (98.9 and 98.8- today I am 11dpo).  I am extremely guarded about reading into this, based on my history of getting excited over patterns or symptoms that never end up meaning pregnancy. The more optimistic & excited I allow myself to get, the harder the fall when AF actually shows up. And yes, for the record, I did take pregnancy tests at 9dpo and again yesterday afternoon at 10dpo (see- SPASTIC!), both BFN. The temp dip that occurred at 9dpo --if it is indeed an indication of implantation --means that from there my body should begin to secrete the pregnancy hormone- hCG- and once enough of that builds up in my system, a pregnancy test would reflect this with a BFP.

One thing that I HAVE been doing differently this month is taking progesterone suppositories post-O. This was a self-diagnosed request, as I tend to spot from 2-3 days or even longer before AF (last month I spotted red blood at 7dpo- which of course I twisted into thinking "it's implantation bleeding!!" Alas, it was just my jerk of a uterus starting to shed its lining early). I was concerned my lining might be starting to shed too early to sustain a pregnancy (for the record my doc was never concerned, but progesterone is one of those things that can't HURT- just help- if indeed there is early shedding, so I figured I had nothing to lose).

One of the things my doc did warn me about is that progesterone can cause delayed periods & pregnancy signs when a woman isn't pregnant.  I am 11 dpo now and definitely haven't had the normal pre-AF spotting (though I did spot brown for about 3-4 days after O immediately following my IUI)- though I am not sure if progesterone can cause the triphasic shift? I do know my normal luteal phase is 11-13 days, which means AF *should* come any day- but apparently progesterone can extend that luteal phase even without pregnancy.

So without further adieu, here is my BBT chart: what do YOU think?

Poked

Today marks our 4th IUI procedure (a natural one- no meds). Babycakes just texted me that "The Eagle has Landed!"- meaning his troops have been safely dropped off and are now being spun & washed to become their most charming & beautiful selves. I will follow later this afternoon to get those troops inserted & started on their monumental Olympic swim toward the finish line.

It is very likely we are going to try what is called an injectable cycle next month (should we not conceive this round). This is kind of the middle ground intervention between Clomid IUI's and the big guns of IVF. Instead of taking daily pills to stimulate ovulation, I'll be getting poked daily with self induced hormone shots (Gonadatrophin). Then I'll get poked to give blood every 3 days, along with routine ultrasounds to monitor follicular development. Then I'll get poked with a shot to induce ovulation. I'll also continue to get poked 2x/week by an acupuncturist specializing in fertility treatments.

I had my "Injectables" class yesterday to show me how the needles work, what is involved with the cycle, etc. Ideally they want you to have 2-3 good follicles that develop from the meds (any more than that and they may cancel the cycle due to a concern with multiples). They monitor you every 3 days, and when you have a couple good follies, you give yourself ANOTHER shot (Ovidril) to stimulate ovulation, then go in for 2 back-to-back IUI's. The nurse said Chlomid/IUI cycles have about an 8% success rate, an injectable cycle about 25%. Of all pregnancies conceived on injectable cycles, 30% are multiples- so those odds definitely go up. We'd be down with twins- hey, it's an INSTA-FAMILY! But I wouldn't want to risk any more than that.

Phew. Suddenly Clomid's hot flashes aren't looking so shabby after typing all that out!

Dear Clomid:

 I'm so sorry I ever bad-mouthed you. You are a sweet, gentle, unassuming charmer compared to what this Injectables Army has up its sleeve. I will remember you fondly once all this poking begins.

Love, Me