First Trimester Relapse

This week my pregnancy symptoms have definitely been giving me a run for my money.

Tuesday night Austin had an amazing cold front roll through, dropping temperatures almost 25 degrees in 15 minutes - from 95 down to 70. BC and I took full advantage and headed out for a brisk walk/run. My body was actually really excited to run a bit in this cooler weather! The downside? Flashing migraine lights started halfway through my jog. It got me running a bit faster, as I wanted to get home quickly to proactively take some niacin + Tylenol in an attempt to ward off the pain.

Wednesday night I was washing up for bed, doing nothing out of the ordinary, when the flashing migraine lights started again! WTF. Feeling really bad having to do another round of niacin + Tylenol, I eased myself into bed with throbbing temples. Cue a night full of fitful, restless sleep- including a 1am wake up where I HAD to go get a snack to ward off nausea (that hasn't happened since week 10 or so!)

Then this morning at 6:30 I woke up with intense nausea. As I ran downstairs in an attempt to quickly eat something, I didn't make it in time and had to detour to the bathroom to throw up. I haven't thrown up this entire pregnancy and now at almost 17 weeks- BAM. When BC woke up and I shared the morning's events with him, all he said was "somebody's pregnant!" Thanks for the sympathy, love.

After showering I decided to make quick work of preparing breakfast. As my eggs & toast were nearing completion I spied some suspicious movement at our kitchen sink. There he was- a HUGE Texas- sized cockroach investigating the discarded eggshells (those suckers are about 2+ inches long down here). Now, I am typically one to catch a spider and let it outside, but cockroaches and their lightning speed really freak me out (the ones down here can also fly!) So I took swift action and washed him down the sink then ground him into oblivion with the garbage disposal. Feeling equally bad and disgusted, I immediately ran to the bathroom and threw up again.

Oh sweet little one, you know I'm willing to take on anything to bring you here safely. But I pray that this is NOT the start of a new 'thing' or 'phase' in our pregnancy journey together. And if I'm putting prayers out there? Please let that be the last cockroach I see INSIDE our house for a long, long time!


Today I will visit my chiropractor in the hopes of alleviating the migraines. I also have a regular OB appointment this afternoon- where hopefully I'll hear our little one's strong heartbeat ticking away. I imagine there has been some growth going on, with all the 'fun' I've had this week!

The Reluctant Yogi

I attended my first pre-natal yoga class last week (at the end of one of my "grrrrRRRRRrrrrrr" days- see previous post on that here). Not sure if it was my Ashtanga background or my "grrrrrRRRRRrrrrr" attitude, but I don't think it is my cup of tea. I did love and appreciate being in the midst of many pregnant ladies, all at different points in their pregnancy. However, I felt like we did maybe 30 minutes of actual exercises and had around 60 minutes of talking/relaxation, which didn't fly with this "grrrrRRRRRrrrr" Type A lady. For $17/class I think I can just incorporate some of those poses into my own home practice.

I was also FREEZING in the studio space! I think I may have been in the minority on that one, as halfway through the class, when we were again gently swaying our hips in circles, another (much more pregnant than me) lady told the teacher she felt hot. The air was immediately turned down even further. As my skin bristled with goosebumps and my muscles clenched up those around me might have heard a "grrrrRRRRRRrrrrr" rumble deep down in my throat.

One of the coolest things (pun intended) at class was recognizing a lady on the mat across from me. We'd been eying one another at the beginning of class in the "I think I know you but I'm not quite sure" kind of way.  Sure enough, we share a dear mutual friend, and have seen one another several times at this friends' gatherings. Once I realized who she was, I was immediately ELATED to see her there- as I knew she too hadn't had an easy road with getting pregnant. 

When we chatted after class, one of the first things out of her mouth was "I love your blog!" I was dumbfounded- then amazed- then humbled. Our mutual friend had apparently shared my blog link with her awhile back, and she told me how helpful reading my fertility journey had been to her.

Dear Readers, that is one of the main reasons why I started this blog. When I was at the beginning of our "unexplained infertility" saga, I found several blogs written by women who had struggled for years to conceive. It was incredible to find a community of women who understood what I was going through and actually wrote honestly about it.  I especially loved hearing the tales of families who eventually did conceive- it gave me SO much hope. To hear that I had provided that sense of hope and community for someone else just melted.my.heart. 

So yeah, I paid $17 for a yoga class that I didn't really groove on- but what I got out of it in way of that connection was absolutely priceless. 

The Due Date Challenge

You may have noticed I added a pregnancy ticker to the sidebar of my blog, and that now I am suddenly 12 weeks, 5 days pregnant. From the beginning of this journey I have been calculating my due date based on the day I am 99% sure we conceived (March 8th)- which would put me at 12 weeks today, due November 29th. At my 7w4d ultrasound with Dr. Vaughn I measured 7w3d (so on track with that due date). Then at yesterday's N/T scan the sonogram tech pre-filled out my due date based on my LMP ('last menstrual period'- which was February 18th)- to show a November 24th due date. The doctor doing the sonogram said I was measuring right in line with that due date- showing around 12w3d yesterday.

So what's a girl to do?

Well, if you're THIS girl (over achiever, always looking to the future) it is pretty obvious- you take the earlier due date and marvel that suddenly you are 5 days more pregnant than you thought you were! That puts me 2 days away from officially entering the 2nd trimester and darn it- I'll take it. My new OB, Dr. Swenson, (who I met for the first time this morning!) confirmed we'll go with the revised due date. The only time the date discrepancy *could* be an issue is if I go past the 41 week mark and we have to decide what week/day to base our cutoff for starting labor induction.

*Side note: I've had to have blood drawn 2 days in a row now- yesterday for my N/T scan and today for my regular OB panel. I would like to give myself props for not fainting or getting a migraine either time! And the lady who draws blood at my new OB's office was AMAZING. Hardly felt any pain, and I thanked her profusely for it.*

Here are this week's stats!

How far along? We have catapulted to 12w5d

How big is baby? I am a plum verging on a peach right now. Almost all the major systems are fully formed, and we are entering the growing phase. My dear friend Jenny- who specializes in brain development & disorders- actually responded to a picture I sent her of the babe (the one of it waving 'hi') by saying "2 hemispheres, 4 lobes, yay!" I took that as good news.

Total weight gain: 1.2 lbs up, so I guess I can say that is my total first trimester weight gain. Wondering how much of that can be attributed to the fabulous 'D's' I am now rockin' up top?

Sadly, my expanding girth eclipses the D's

Sleep: Good- pretty sound overall. Still waking early, but I'm also putting myself to bed rather early (usually by 10).

Food cravings: I have been LOVING mango! Preferably pre-cut slices from the grocery store. I've been making an effort to eat greens every day, and also get my fiber in.

Food aversions: Tomato based things. I made some tortellini with veggies for lunch & smothered it in tomato pasta sauce. Bad idea, as that sauce is still sitting heavy in my belly. I've found I have the same reaction to tomato based soups. Tomatoes themselves are fine and delicious- go figure.

Symptoms? Still on/off nausea. Some days it is all day long, others just in the morning. I am also feeling sleepy.

Guesses on the sex? Still feeling girl- even more so after seeing the babe on the ultrasound! I actually find myself getting mad when people use the "he" pronoun or say the sonogram picture makes them think boy. My sister in law swears it is a girl- which she says DEFINITELY means it is a boy, as she says she is always wrong! We can't wait to find out for sure- and it sounds like that won't be until the 20 week point (which- thanks to my revised due date is 5 days sooner than it would have been!)

Most looking forward to: Starting the research & browsing of baby items. It is still way too early to buy anything, but I want to visit baby supply stores and have a good idea of what brands for items we like, and what we'll be needing overall. We know we love the BOB stroller, which also helps narrow down our car seat choices, as this stroller only has 3 car seat adapter kits (for Graco, Chicco, and Peg Perego). We are also looking forward to officially finding out the sex of the baby!

10 weeks

How far along? 10 weeks today

How big is baby? Baby is now the size of a prune! The little one's organs are all fully formed & beginning to function, while her cartilege and bones are starting to develop. Apparently the fingernails & hair are starting to appear as well! Mind blowing.

Total weight gain: -1/2 lb. This morning I am down again about 1/2 lb from my normal weight (which is crazy with everything I am eating & how- ahem- 'stopped up' I am).

Maternity clothes? I did go out and buy 2 Target belly bands this week- but haven't needed to use them yet. Still rocking the unbelted look & living in pajama pants while at home.

Sleep: I continue to wake up quite a bit throughout the night. The last 2 nights I have had uncomfortable body aches- first with my legs (that was a really rough night where I finally caved and took some tylenol), then last night with my hips. Apparently blood circulation suffers in pregnancy, which can contribute to body aches. Awesome! I also missed my nap yesterday- which I could feel profoundly as 6pm crept up on me.

Food cravings: With the nausea easing up, I am starting to return to my normal diet again, which includes more vegetables. The only "I need it NOW" craving I had this past week was for cereal. We now possess a box of Special K with red berries- which was amazing for about 2 days (and now I am over it again. Such is the fickle life of early pregnancy). I've incorporated Congee back into my breakfast rotation the past couple days- trying to do anything I can to ease up the wicked constipation.

Food aversions: Not really craving any meats, though I wouldn't say it is an outright aversion. My taste buds have definitely calmed down quite a bit in the last 4-5 days.

Symptoms? My nausea has gotten MUCH better (starting last Sunday). I still had a bad night a couple nights ago and had to have a spoonful of peanut butter this morning, but it is still so much better. The night body aches are a new thing, and, as referenced, I've also been having pretty bad constipation. I've had gentle abdominal cramping on and off the last few days, likely due to my uterus continuing to stretch and grow.

Guesses on the sex? I was SURE my cousin was pregnant with a girl- but they just found out this week she is carrying a perfect little boy! Which makes me wonder if my intuition is way off in that realm. She did say before they found out that they had only had boys names picked out and struggled with girls' names. We are just the opposite- have our girl name all ready (well- at least the first name) but no clue for a boy. We'll see if that means anything!

Most looking forward to: The N/T scan we have scheduled in 2 weeks, which will take a really thorough look at our babe. I can't wait to see the little one again, and pray that everything looks on track & healthy.


Here is my 10 week photo- don't think the teeny tiny bump has changed much from last week:

And in closing, just because he is so cute, here is a picture of Mr. Otis from this morning, perched in a precarious position watching out the window for his neighborhood kitty friends:

You Must Have Finally Relaxed!

Anyone in the infertility world will tell you that one of the WORST things you can say to someone who has struggled to conceive is to "just relax." Closely following this is when you tell folks you are pregnant after some 3 years trying, and they say "oh- you must have finally relaxed."

My sweet grandmother was the first to say the latter to me. While on the phone with her soon after our big announcement, she chirped in her loving Grandmother voice: "I knew it would happen once you relaxed!" I cringed a bit, but it is really hard to be mad at Grandma.

Then last night I set out for a long walk along the water. Early on I ran into an acquaintance- a friend of a friend- whom I see maybe once a year in social circles. The catch-up small talk commenced:

"So how ARE you? How is real estate?"
-All is great! The market has really picked up.

"How is BC? Your house?"
-He's awesome- and we are LOVING our home.

"What else? Anything else new?

(This is always the point where I quickly assess how 'safe' I feel to share the BIG news)

-Well, we are actually having a baby in November! So that is big news!

"Oh wow! Was it a surprise or something you planned?"

(Oh, how to answer this?! I decided to go the open book route)

-We've actually been trying almost 3 years, but it was a total surprise this month- a month my fertility specialist told me we couldn't do interventions due to ovarian cysts.

"Sounds like you must have finally relaxed."

-Well, it was great to see you! I had better get on with my walk before it gets too dark. (Could.not.leave.fast.enough)

I see how I may have asked for that, given the progression of the conversation. I played it over and over again in my mind wondering if I should have shared less? I know folks mean no harm when they say things like that, but truly they have NO IDEA what the struggle of infertility is like, and how, if it was just as easy as relaxing, I would have been knocked up a long time ago (endometriosis, anyone?)

Saturday BC and I headed out to celebrate his 42nd birthday. I was having a rough day nausea wise- which found me breathing in a panting fashion on the ride to the steakhouse. BC made sure they brought us bread & butter immediately- which helped tame the beast that is my stomach these days.

A few months ago while BC and I had been out to a local coffee shop, he'd spied a boob mug on the shelves and remarked how hilarious it was- and how fun that would be to have. Cue me doing some quick internet research- and finding said boob mug available in Europe. I promptly ordered it to present to him on his birthday (in a 5 star restaurant, no less- all class here). BC wasted no time requesting the bartender fill his new mug with wine.

About the only action BC is getting these days-

 it's the least I could do.

I consumed copious amounts of bread and butter, a lobster tail, mixed vegetables, rice, and a delicious chocolate mouse cup for dessert. And then at home an hour later I was voracious again and had a 2nd meal of cheesy pasta noodles. Total beast.

Happily, when I woke Sunday morning my typical "I need to eat NOW" nausea was gone! And the day went by quite smoothly from there. I am actually now on my 3rd good day in a row- where the all day nausea is almost nonexistent. My appetite also seems to be normalizing and allowing me to eat more regular, healthy foods again. And the energy I had yesterday evening was amazing- it was the first long walk I'd taken in a very long time! I am hopeful I may be out of the thick of it with the 1st trimester (while also being a freak and paranoid that the symptoms going away could mean the babe has stopped growing. Will I ever stop worrying?) I will be 10 weeks along on Thursday, and the 10 week point is when my cousin said she too started feeling much better.

Hopefully this upswing in energy & health will also bode well for BC. Sweet boy, it may be time to set the boob mug aside!

These are the weeks of our lives

I always thought it was confusing when pregnant women spoke about how far along they were in terms of weeks.

"Oh you're pregnant! How far along are you?"

"14 weeks."

Cue me doing some really fast mental math-

"So you're 3 months?"

"Well, yes- but 3 months and two WEEKS."

I get it now. And because I am still so early in the journey, the weeks AND days make a big difference! Today I am considered 4 weeks, 5 days pregnant (if my conception date of March 8th is accurate. During the full moon- woot!) Every single week marks amazing development- especially in this early phase. For example, at week 4, the embryo looks a bit like this picture:

No bigger than the size of a poppy seed, this little one is going through incredible changes.

Then, just a week later, the embryo starts looking like a primitive shrimp- a fetus!

It is now the size of an orange seed, and it's little heart can be seen developing

 (though likely not heard yet).

It is still hard to fathom that I am really pregnant. I.AM.PREGNANT. My boobs are definitely telling me something is up (so sore- but no larger than normal yet- sorry BC!). I also have a constant feeling of pressure down on my lower left abdomen, and have definitely been making more trips to the bathroom & refrigerator.

I have another beta draw on Thursday to see my numbers, and I think in another 2 weeks (at 7 weeks gestation) I will get to have my first sonogram, where we pray to see a strong heartbeat! Can't wait for that appointment. Another 'two week wait,' but a much more fun one this round.

And for those of you who enjoy my "frou-frou" postings, here's one for you.

On Sunday afternoon I decided to take a brisk walk along the water in the spring sunshine. It was much warmer than I expected it to be, and at the end of the walk I sat down under a tree to stretch and mop the sweat from my brow. I did a brief meditation, and asked to connect to the energy of the little ones coming to us (I sense two of them- not necessarily both coming at the same time- now wouldn't THAT be a shock?!- but a 2nd one coming eventually).

I always feel the first little one's energy on my left side. I strongly suspect she is a girl, but time will tell! I felt her energy- and with it got an immediate wave of nausea. Awesome. That one has some powerful mojo! I would not be surprised at all if he/she came a little early & was a feisty Scorpio.

When I called in the energy of the other little one- always to my right, it was like a cool, calm, soothing blue/purple energy to balance out the fiery spiraling energy of the left. I then sensed them both dancing merrily around me- and immediately got an ocular migraine. So strange- often when I see my psychic friend Cristy I'll get an immediate ocular migraine, so not sure if that has to do with the strong psychic energy around? Or maybe I just overheated on my walk.

Note to self: no more calling in baby energy when overheated. Bad combo.


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And here are my March Photos for days 25-27:

Day #25, "SPARKLE"

I dug out this necklace at the beginning of the month and have been wearing it ever since. I now consider it an absolute lucky charm! BC purchased it for me on a trip to Madison years ago, and if you look closely, you'll see a little fairy figure saddling 2 stone "eggs." I love it.

Day #26- "DRINK"

We started our first garden last Saturday! Here's BC giving our little baby plants a drink of water. Grow little ones, grow! Hoping they survive and thrive. We are total novices, and were just so excited the next day to see that the plants were actually still there. 

And lastly, Day #27- "FRESH"

I was driving through a residential Austin neighborhood the other day, and came upon an entire vacant lot filled with these gorgeous wildflowers! The first sign that spring is definitely here. The air was crisp and fresh with the smell of honeysuckle. 

Stretch (March Photo Challenge, Day 18)

I was relaxing at home yesterday when Irene, the woman who cleans our cottages, came by. Making polite conversation, we chatted for awhile, leading up to the inevitable question of whether BC and I had any kids?

"Uh, not yet.... we're working on that. How about you?" 

"Well, I lost 2 babies. I tried to have children for years, then lost one when I was 3 months pregnant. Seven years later I lost another pregnancy very early, then wasn't ever able to get pregnant again."

Awkward silence as I contemplate how to respond.

"Well, actually BC and I have been trying ourselves for almost 3 years, and just lost a pregnancy in December. I totally understand the journey."

"I lost both my pregnancies in December too!"

And thus the sisterhood of infertility continues, reminding me again how unexpectedly extensive this community is.  Every woman has a story, and behind every woman's story is immense strength.

Speaking of women's stories, remember my friend who got pregnant last November on her first IVF cycle, that sadly became an ectopic pregnancy? This lady has truly been through the ringer- not only did she have a rough initial go of it, but she and her husband were having to pay for every procedure completely out of pocket, and this fertility stuff sure ain't cheap. 

She was finally cleared to have her FET (frozen embryo transfer) at the beginning of this month, and just learned that she is PREGNANT! And her numbers are amazing. Whereas in November her first beta was on the low side at 38, this time around her first draw came in at 535, her 2nd at 1214!! We are all wondering if there might be two little ones cooking in there, given the strong HCG levels. Please send prayers her way for a healthy pregnancy.

The interesting thing is, when she first found out that IVF was her and her husband's only option to have children, I had a very vivid dream. In the dream, she was very pregnant, and I either wasn't pregnant yet, or was not showing yet. After her miscarriage last November, I then got pregnant in December, and wondered about the validity of the dream. Then I too miscarried, and now she is back to blazing the trail, carrying the pregnancy torch for us- and I sincerely hope our good news is on its way as well. 

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And for today's photo challenge subject, "Stretch," I bring you morning yoga with BC & Mr. Otis:

Pregnant Dreams

I had a pregnant dream last night- one where everyone BUT me was pregnant. In the dream my fertility clinic was located in the children's clothing section of a department store (because that makes total sense). Upon leaving my appointment, I noticed a girl I had gone to high school with shopping. I did everything I could to avoid her, but she singled me out saying "you must be pregnant!" She pointed to her own belly knowingly, where a pregnant pooch had begun.

Pregnant Prom Queen?

Suddenly, I was circled by girls I had gone to high school with, ALL with huge pregnant bellies. I vividly remember seeing the multiple outie belly buttons outlined against too tight shirts. It was mortifying and suffocating. I was about to burst into tears when....

There they were. Katie Holmes and Suri, browsing the racks. Thinking to myself that Suri was a bit homely in person, I used the distraction as an opportunity to escape.

Thanks ladies! Suri, sorry you were so homely in my dream.

Playing the Odds

In each Injectables cycle, there is a 25% chance of achieving pregnancy.

I've often thought about the moment when I'd get my first positive pregnancy test (BFP). I imagined lots of happy tears, Babycakes picking me up in a huge bear hug and dancing me around.

It was sort of like that.

The morning I was to get my blood test (14 days past ovulation- or "DPO"), I took a home pregnancy test, mostly so I could see the negative result and try to get out of giving blood. Imagine my surprise when I saw this:

                                Extremely light, but definitely there!! Kind of hard to see in this picture.

I had read enough to know there was no such thing as a false positive, no matter how light it was! I was literally shaking as I put on my makeup in record speed. I had never in my life been so excited to go give blood. I yelled out a quick "I think I saw something REALLY promising!" to BC as I ran out the door.

I went back to Snake Eyes' clinic, and she was no where to be seen! The lady who drew me was AMAZING and it hardly hurt at all. This was to be a good day! Babycakes was already calling me to find out what had happened that morning, and we both anxiously awaited the results call from the fertility clinic.

I went through my day in a numb, excited blur. I could hardly believe this might be IT! I flashed back to some of the suspicious signs I'd been having the last few days- the constant mild heat flashes, extreme constipation (sorry again-TMI!), bloody noses, and yes, even the insanely sore boobs. I went around the house all day with my phone glued to my side, not taking any other calls for fear the fertility clinic might call while I was on the line.

My friend who also works with this clinic told me I should be able to call in for blood test results myself anytime after 1:30. So with my heart racing, around 3pm I dialed in. And was transferred to MY nurse (oh promising!) whose voice intonation sounded good.

"Jules, how are you?"

"Hopeful!"

"Well, you are definitely definitely pregnant."

Cue me silently mouthing Holy S***!!!!!! For the first time in my life, and after 2 1/2 years of trying, I was finally pregnant. Holy holy s***.

"Your HCG is at 28, which is a tad low. We want you to do another test in 2 days to see what your numbers look like then."

A tad low? What? I had just witnessed my friend go through a pretty rough experience (the one who got pregnant on her IVF cycle). She very sadly ended up with an ectopic pregnancy. She too had a low HCG number initially- but her number had been even higher than mine.

Looking for reassurance, I asked the nurse if she saw women with my kinds of numbers go on to have healthy pregnancies. She replied "I've seen it go both ways. I just want to prepare you." She explained that we wanted to see the HCG number at least double on my next test, showing there was growth occurring.

So there I was. The buoyant joy I felt earlier in the day took on a very guarded, heavy tone. Yes, I was pregnant. But my numbers weren't good. Of course I googled everything I could find on the subject, and it seemed like most women's first HCG counts were in the 100's. My nurse said they prefer to see them "at least 50" on an initial draw. And thus began a torturous waiting game.

When BC got home from work I told him the news that we were indeed pregnant, and he was SO excited! He did pick me up and swing me around (ouch- boobs!) and kissed me with so much sweet passion. It hurt my heart a bit seeing how genuinely overjoyed he was, knowing we were treading on some delicate ground.

We elected to tell a select few people about our news. It was a strange way to share, having to instantly insert the caveat "but our numbers are low so please send prayers and good energy our way." We decided to tell my parents, since we wanted them on board with the prayer chain, and they were OVER.THE.MOON. Saying this was the best Christmas news they could have hoped to receive!

The next morning (15 DPO) I took another home pregnancy test, and my line was darker than the day before! Super promising- as I knew that these tests measured HCG levels, so there must have been growth there! I spent the day talking and singing to that little Baby Bean, telling him/her that we absolutely wanted them to STAY and GROW! I barely slept that night with all the praying I was doing. I allowed myself to go through the day really believing this could happen. I dusted off the "What to Expect When You're Expecting Book" I'd hidden years before. I imagined the moment we'd get to tell BC's family at Christmas that another baby was on its way! His sisters' little one would have a cousin right around the same age!

Over the age of 35, it is believed that there is a 20% chance of miscarriage

 in the first 4 weeks of pregnancy.

On the morning of my next blood draw (16 DPO), I did 2 more home pregnancy tests to *hopefully* see that positive line getting even darker. It was hard to deny that on one test the line was lighter than yesterday, on another it was hardly there. My heart sank. More frantic googling ensued, and I found reassurance from ladies who noted that those tests can be extremely affected by how much water you've drank, the time of day you test, etc. I had to hold on to hope. Many ladies seemed to have had this happen and went on to have healthy pregnancies.

After the blood draw I had a Psychic Development class from 11-5 with a girlfriend of mine. During a break I saw that the fertility clinic had left a voicemail, and I thought my heart might beat out of my chest. I decided to wait until I got home to listen to the message with BC, b/c I knew if it was bad news there was NO way I could get through the rest of the class.

Because the nature of the class was training us to better hear our intuition, angels, guides, etc, I was "in the zone." And when I checked in with myself, asking if this pregnancy would continue, I immediately heard in my head "I'll be back" (and no, not in an Arnold Schwarzenegger voice).

My ego did NOT want to hear this! So I replied back with the thought "we want you to STAY with us! Please stay!" And then I heard "yes mama." Again, my ego wanted to believe this was the little one saying that YES he/she would stay, and that the whole "I'll be back" I heard initially was a fluke. I needed to believe that there was some free will involved, even with this little one.

After class I raced home and summoned BC to come listen to the voicemail with me. Very anticlimactic, since the nurse had left a message to page her for the news. More torturous waiting!

BC and I headed out to dinner and I again kept my phone glued to my side. It rang just as BC's wine & my water had arrived. I immediately did not like the intonation of this nurse, and for good reason. She said my blood test showed my HCG had actually gone down to 25, when what we were looking for was for it to at least double. Not good news at all. They wanted me to do one more blood test on CD 18 to confirm what they suspected, that this was not a viable pregnancy. I thought that was a pretty mean thing to layer onto the news- "oh, and we want you to give blood AGAIN just so we can tell you AGAIN this ain't gonna work. "

I had many questions.

Had she ever seen anyone with these results go on to have an HCG rise and a healthy pregnancy? 

Once. In her 19 years. She wanted us to prepare ourselves.

When would my body release the pregnancy (miscarry?)


The HCG has to get back down to zero, which can take anywhere from a week to a month.

Will my body resolve this on its own?


Maybe. If not there is a shot they can give to induce the release, otherwise surgery may be needed.

I then waved the waitress over and told her to bring me a glass of whatever wine BC was drinking. I flashed back to the little one saying "yes mama" to my wanting her to stay, and wondered if she had meant "yes mama, I do know that you want me to stay."

We were in public, and had to have our game faces on. We were so, so sad. And I was so, so mad that we had even shared this news with anyone. Because now we had to share the updated news, in essence re-living it over and over with each person we'd told. Lesson learned there, and now I totally get why people wait for that 12 week marker. It's a tough call, as we are pretty open, but man, it sucks to have to report to the troops that "oops, sorry. Just kidding about that whole baby coming on August 24th thing. Hope you didn't get your hopes up."

In the midst of our sadness, we tried to focus on the positive that would come out of this. We now knew we could get pregnant. We were grateful, if this was NOT to be a viable pregnancy, that it ended as early as it possibly could, and not many weeks further along. We were grateful to have been pregnant at all through the injectables, vs. having gotten a negative result. If my body now recognized how to do this, surely it could do it again. My tubes must work! Our 'stuff' works! And on the spiritual level, we now know without a shadow of a doubt that someone is coming. That I am no longer blocked. This little one was ready to come but for some reason the genetics weren't quite right this round.

It is also interesting to me how each of us needs to mourn and cope in different ways. For BC, it was meeting out guy friends for drinks, where he could just talk politics and lose himself in not thinking about the last few days for awhile. For me it was calling a girlfriend up and bawling my eyes out. Then calling my mom and bawling my eyes out. Then holding my kitties and bawling my eyes out. And upon BC returning home, holding him and bawling my eyes out once more.

Less than 5 percent of women have two consecutive miscarriages, and only 1 percent have three or more consecutive miscarriages. Miscarriage is usually a one-time occurrence. Most women who miscarry go on to have a healthy pregnancy.

Today? I do feel a sense of peace. I do feel so hopeful that if we did this once, we can do it again. Of course I am still super sad, but I am so hopeful that we WILL get pregnant again.

It is pretty brutal to have to wait for my body to let this go, and I am to stay on my progesterone until tomorrow's blood draw results, which are mostly to confirm what we already know is happening. My boobs are hurting less and less. The constipation has let up. It's amazing how quickly my body recognizes & adjusts to a pregnancy, only to immediately recognize the pregnancy isn't continuing.

I pray that my body does release soon (before we leave for Christmas), as apparently it comes as a really painful period with intense cramping & clotting. I suspect with that will come another big wave of grief. We'll see what Dr. Vaughn advises when I hopefully see him this week and get more information.

For now,  I am just so anxious to get back in the game and start trying again.

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********Note: the politics of blogging this whole TTC stuff is complicated. Please note that you, dear blog readers, are in a special category of being pretty immediate witnesses to our journey. That being said, for those friends/family who read along, know that in "the real world" we would be notifying you of any positive news past the 12 week mark, so please don't feel saddened or offended that you did not get immediate calls with the last few days' roller coaster.  We appreciate your continued love, understanding, & support! *************

Even Miss Priss is Pregnant

                          Sometimes it feels like the whole world is pregnant.

I had another breakdown last night. One where I felt fully and completely like an overemotional a**hole.

Babycakes's sister had left him a voicemail on Thanksgiving, "just checking in" and wishing us a Happy Thanksgiving. Super sweet!

Then last night BC and I were watching a movie. I left for maybe 5 minutes to run downstairs, and when I returned, I had a voicemail from his sister, "just checking in." He had apparently also just gotten a voicemail from her. Super sweet! Super suspect.

I just knew.

I told BC he had to be the one to call her back, because I didn't think I"d be composed enough to receive the news. I was already crying with the anticipation. Sure enough, she is pregnant. 12 weeks along. They weren't trying, but weren't preventing. BC was amazing on the phone as I silently sobbed nearby.

It was at this sisters' wedding 2 1/2 years ago that we first didn't 'prevent.' I remember it vividly- having that flash of magical excitement, thinking we were on the road to starting our family.

I feel like I am at an insanely heightened emotional place right now (Gonal-F hormone override anyone?!). This marks two Sundays in a row we've gotten pregnancy news that knocked me down. I felt like such a jerk crying last night. I feel like a jerk being nervous for the Holidays with BC's family, when everyone will be fawning over his sister's pregnancy. Where our not being pregnant yet will be the big fat Elephant in the Room. And yes, of COURSE my rational self is thrilled for my sister-in-law! Definitely time for a new gang of little ones in the family, and she and her husband are going to make the most amazing parents. But that rational self still couldn't corral the tears and the persistent question of "when will it be our time?"

This morning as BC was leaving for work, he peeked his head back inside and told me to come look at Miss Priss (our moniker for the neighbor's feisty kitten who likes to hang out in our yard). Sure enough her belly was suspiciously distended and swollen, teats protruding. Totally pregnant.

I bet she wasn't trying either.

Blue

Today was one of those days. Where it seems like everything is going against you. Blue. Blah.

It started at the crack of dawn with this morning's blood draw. Deciding to try a new lab, I was pleased when, upon arrival, a very CA-ute nurse-man greeted me. With longish curly dark hair & two earrings, he was a far cry from Snake Eyes!

He ushered me into the blood draw station, where I felt obliged to tell him (as I always do) that I am a total wimp with needles, have a low pain tolerance, and have a history of fainting. He assured me he was really good with the needle.

Game on, cute nurse-man, game ON!

I asked if he had different types of needles- specifically smaller needles, and realize in retrospect my key mistake here was not saying the words BUTTERFLY NEEDLE. He did choose the smaller of what he had (NOT a butterfly)- and went in.

Owww-OUCH!

He said something long the lines of "there's not much coming out" and moved the needle around while pushing on my vein. F***!! I was in so much agony he stopped. And instantly the flashing lights of an ocular migraine began.

He said he thought he might have just enough blood for the test sample (please oh PLEASE)- and asked if I could wait while they spun it. My arm was still throbbing in pain.

I waited 20 minutes. To have another substitute nurse come out and tell me they had to re-draw.

F'in awesome.

Happily, it was love at first poke with the substitute nurse. She immediately got out the BUTTERFLY NEEDLE and was so fast, it hardly hurt at all. Why oh why can't they ALL do it like that? Cute nurse-man was never seen again- I'm assuming his ego was as bruised as my right vein.

Exhausted, I headed home to pass the time until my appointment with Dr. Vaughn. Babycakes, fresh from a full nights' sleep/sleeping in, found me and said he'd had a really weird morning as well. He'd just received news from a friend that his ex (whom he had been with for 12 years prior to our getting together) had recently had twins. And there was a picture on Facebook to boot (yes, I had to see it). And they had names that easily could have been ones we'd choose: Lukas and Lilly. BC worried that maybe he shouldn't have told me, but I would never want there to be secrets between us.

I was now left feeling bruised AND battered. Totally blue. It's interesting how some pregnancies totally don't affect me (like my friend who is now preggers through IVF- whom I was genuinely THRILLED for) while others completely demolish me. And the fact that she had twins. At 38 some years old. My BC's ex, Ms. Fertile Myrtle.

So I proceeded to Dr. Vaughn's office snotty and red-faced. Not sure if this explains my crazy emotions, but I do have some teenage follicles partying in there:

Right ovary: (sweet)16, 14, 14, 14, 8, 7, 6
Left ovary: 12,11,10, 8, 7

                                          Fab Four Teenage Follicles

When I asked why the number of follicles changed visit to visit, Dr. V said the total number of follicles doesn't matter, and that he only measures the largest ones. The 4 teens on my right side are making a run for the lead! He again said that ideally we want 3 mature follicles to release; if 4 released, and *if* 4 took (which would be highly unlikely... and... HELL NO!) we'd need to be prepared for serious talks about selective reduction.

The BEST news of the visit was that Dr. V wants to see me again Tuesday- and ISN'T GOING TO MAKE ME DO A BLOOD DRAW THAT MORNING! I guess my sob story about this morning's experience got through to him. He said my estradiol (estrogen) levels are progressing such that we won't need to draw that day (142 day 3, to 290 day 6, to 582 today- day 8). I seriously wanted to kiss him!

Phew. What a day. There was more crap that ensued with grocery stores not having ingredients I needed, a real estate contract falling off, etc. etc., but I think I've vented enough for one post. May tomorrow be a sunnier one!

Clearing the Block

I had an energy clearing/Akashic record reading session scheduled with a practitioner (K) last week. Unfortunately K fell ill and had to re-schedule all of her clients. Feeling badly about the shuffle, she offered up a donated 30 minute session with another clairvoyant friend of hers, LD, in addition to the original sessions planned with her (yay for me! One psychic's sickness is another woman's gain).

Last Sunday morning I had my donated 30 minute session with LD. Pretty quickly into our session, she noted she was getting an energetic 'block' in my 2nd chakra- the fertility area. She said she saw that there had been a trauma there when I was young, and asked if I had ever been abused. I haven't experienced (in my conscious memory) anything like that, so she sensed it may have happened in a very recent past life. (side note: she also said she heard 4 little ones who'd like to come to me. She indicated not all may come this lifetime, but also noted that with fertility meds they could all decide to come at once. To which I proclaimed "HELL NO!" Yes, I want children. But HELL NO to 4 at once! Universe, do you hear me?).

 You may remember the frustration I felt in October, when I was first told about being blocked. So here I had another psychic picking up on the same thing. Yes, skeptics out there may say that this is an easy cop-out when someone knows there are fertility concerns. But ebbing on the side of "what if they are right," I went into my problem solving mode. LD said she knew an incredible energy worker she thought could help clear the block (D), and felt it could be cleared pretty quickly- within weeks (cut to my mental math- if we want to be players this cycle and give those 13 follies a chance, I needed to get that stuff moving- and fast!) She called D the "Deep Cleaner," and I was all for it.

So this past Tuesday night I had my energy session with D scheduled. I had NO idea what to expect, or exactly what this woman did. She was first and foremost a voice & piano teacher, and her website made no note of her healing business.

And everything about the evening was completely and utterly bizarre- like nothing I have ever experienced.

D's home was located in a large apartment complex off the freeway in North Austin. When I got to her door, a yappy little dog named Todo greeted me. D was a large Mexican girl wearing a bedazzled sweatshirt with musical notes on it. I could definitely tell this wasn't her main profession- nothing about the environment was professional, and I wondered what I had gotten myself into.

D had me sit on her couch to begin, and indicated that sometimes loved ones came in during her sessions. I asked if she could see/feel/hear any little ones. She paused, listened, and said she heard 4 voices (HELL NO!), and was getting possible "twins." She also said a grandmother was coming in who told her this conception difficulty ran in the family and was "no big deal." I don't really know my dad's sides' history with fertility, so couldn't confirm or deny this (never knew my paternal grandmother, but my dad and his sister are 8 years apart, so maybe there is something to that?)

Then she said it was time to begin the session. I thought we had begun, but oh was I wrong.

D explained that the energy work she did was called Pranic Healing- basically like Reiki on steroids. She moved her coffee table out from the middle of the room, laid down a blanket, and set a bowl of saltwater in the middle of the blanket. She explained that she would be putting all negative/removed energy into that bowl. Her work was to identify my energy cords and CUT all of those cords that were blocking or inhibiting me. She would also work to scan & clear my chakras.

She told me to stand on one side of the bowl, and that she would stand on the other. As she began, I kept my eyes open, and she started making motions like she was pulling ropes from my body. She stopped a couple minutes in and said I was too much in my head (hard not to be with Todo yipping back and forth!) and that I should close my eyes.

And then the absolutely bizarre part began.

I couldn't see what she was doing, but boy could I FEEL it. I started to get incredibly hot and sweaty, and had to shed 2 layers of clothing. My body began gently swaying side to side, and I could feel a swirling motion moving within me. The strangest was the energy that moved in a corkscrew fashion- starting at the bottom of my leg, up, up, into my hip, into my stomach, across to my shoulder... almost like I was being uncoiled. My body would spontaneously twist to one side and then the other, before settling again in a balanced center gait. When it would pause at the center, I had the sensation of being firmly rooted to the ground- my feet were hot and I experienced energy in my legs I haven't ever had. I also felt like my hips were actually expanding and thus allowing/opening to all sorts of energy between them. D later said that one of her gifts was being able to go inside ones' chakras and work from the inside up through the body to clear. Whoa.

She said my crown chakra had been a bit blocked, and that I definitely had a big energetic block in that 2nd fertility chakra. She scanned my body and felt she had moved much- if not all - of that energy out!

Then she said she was going to do "toning" on my chakras. I closed my eyes again, and she started vocalizing as she scanned/moved through my energy centers. She had an amazingly beautiful and powerful voice (that bedazzled top wasn't for nothing!), and would at times emit a higher pitched tone, other times lower, sometimes starting just off tune and moving the sound into full, beautiful harmony. My heart felt like it was beating out of my chest, and I could "feel" which chakra she was at as she moved through my system. She explained that she could visualize energy particles inside ones' body- and that she saw them as either black, gray, or full color spectrums. The vocalizations actually moved and adjusted these energetic particles back into colorful harmony.

My body felt so light and free and open, and my hips wouldn't stop gently swaying side to side. Absolutely insane.

Then D said we should ask my subconscious some questions, and that my body would move forward for "yes" and backwards for "no."

"Will Jules be pregnant in a month?" Forward lurch (oh I hope so! Go follies go!)
"Will Jules need another energy session?" Twist forward/right (a maybe)
"Will the baby be a boy?" Lurch to the right (we discovered my body said "no" by going to the side).
"Will it be twins?" Forward lurch (we'll take them- but HELL NO to quints! Universe, are you getting me?!)

Then D said she was going to cut the energetic cord between us, and I kid you not, my middle section pushed back in a concave fashion, and I could feel that cord being severed.

I was in a blissful, light, airy space, and was ready to leave. But D had other plans. See, if D's gift is being able to move & affect energy, my gift is that people sense I would be a great counselor/psychologist and want to open up to me. Don't know how D read this, but she proceeded to spend 30 more minutes talking to me about how she didn't know if her current boyfriend was "the one" etc.  I just wanted to get out of there and stay in my bliss. I almost asked her to RE-CUT the cord that she had just attached to me! Geez. I will be very conscious of that if I do subsequent energy work with her.

Regardless, it was an incredibly powerful session- and I am grateful for the crazy play of events that led me to D. I am so hopeful that everything is now aligned and in harmony toward our little ones joining us.

Friday I have another blood draw &  appointment with Dr. Vaughn to see how my posse of follicles are progressing... stay tuned!

Injectables Day 1

The monumental "Day 1 of Injectables!" kicked off with a bang yesterday. Babycakes and I headed out for our traditional Saturday morning breakfast, and then planned to head out on bikes to the East Austin Studio Tour.  Every year we like to find one piece of art from a local artist for our home.

This year was a bit different.

An occupational hazard of my gig in Real Estate is that I often see homes that look like amazing deals, resulting in a bit of house envy. I had seen a screaming deal of a house hit the market, and convinced BC to go look at it with me. Listed for just 99k, I *knew* from my knowledge of the market that with just some simple cosmetics, this house could sell for closer to 115-125 (and upwards from there- with a full overhaul it would sell closer to 175k!). I also knew that the difference between our mortgage payments and potential rents would net us $300-$500/month out of the gates.

So, for E.A.S.T. this year, in lieu of pottery or a painting, we made an offer on an investment property. Holy s***! Because we are dealing with a bank as the seller, it may be several days before we hear back. Fingers and toes are crossed that no other offers come in.... it truly is a great deal. A bit of a financial risk on the front end (goodbye savings!)- but what other investment immediately PAYS you a chunk of money monthly while also appreciating from 5-7%/year?

Also, you know that friend of mine I referenced who was going through her first IVF cycle? PREGNANT!!! I am beyond excited for her and her husband!! I actually have had so many friends and clients getting pregnant lately. Just yesterday another client emailed me that she is expecting- and upon going to their first ultrasound, discovered it is with TWINS! Babies everywhere!

Last night BC and I met friends out for some post E.A.S.T. snacks. As 8pm neared, we had to excuse ourselves ('Sorry everyone! I have to go give myself a fertility injection now. Have a great night!') I was pretty nervous, and re-watched the injectables video on this website to make sure I didn't mess anything up. And you know what? It really wasn't that bad. The needle didn't hurt going in (maybe I can thank the margarita I'd had for that)- it stung a little once in during the 'wait 5 seconds' part, but I think I am going to be able to handle it. And I can tell that stuff is STRONG b/c I was already feeling tugs and pulls and action in my left ovary last night. Those follicles are in for a RIDE this month!

My instinct is that it may take a couple months/rounds of this before we get pregnant, but I am all for keeping the gates wide open!

Trispastic

Those of you in the TTC world have probably heard of a BBT chart (Basal Body Temperature).  It's a tool used by women to monitor their monthly cycles based on their waking body temperature. The basics are that a "typical" chart should show lower overall body temperatures before ovulation- then a higher shift immediately post-ovulation. These charts help confirm if indeed a woman has ovulated (shown by the temp shift) and can also predict when AF is coming (the morning ones' temp again dips below to pre-O temps is usually when the bleeding begins).

I have had a very tumultuous relationship with BBT charting.  I started religiously charting about 6 months before we even started TTC, so I could learn my body's rhythms and confirm that I was indeed ovulating monthly.  Once we officially started TTC and were NOT indeed conceiving, I got frustrated with the whole BBT process and put the thermometer away.

Fast forward to this month, when I started going to a new acupuncture clinic specializing in fertility. They highly encouraged me to start temping again- and as much as it didn't sound too enticing, a part of me was curious to see --post-laparoscopy-- what my temps might look like.

As expected, I am a bit spastic with the whole BBT thing (this may be my Type A personality coming out). I wake up many times on and off in the morning anticipating taking my temperature, so have started allowing this Type A persona to take temps anywhere in the 5am-6:30am window. I will slealthfully reach out for that thermometer in the dark & muffle the beeping sounds from my soundly sleeping BC, then take mental note of the temp & record it upon my normal waking time of 7:45ish. The last couple days I've been so spastic I've mentally recorded two sets of temps- one closer to 5am, another closer to 6:30am (those temps were 98.6/98.9 and 98.5/98.8 respectively- recorded the higher ones on my chart). The general rule of thumb is that your temp slowly increases closer to waking, which is indeed what I've observed.

There is a fabled 2nd temperature shift when pregnancy is achieved, called a "Triphasic Pattern." It is also known to follow the equally fabled "Temperature Dip" that some women claim is a sign of implantation.  This month I had a pretty significant temp dip at 9dpo (98.1), followed the next 2 days by higher than ever temps (98.9 and 98.8- today I am 11dpo).  I am extremely guarded about reading into this, based on my history of getting excited over patterns or symptoms that never end up meaning pregnancy. The more optimistic & excited I allow myself to get, the harder the fall when AF actually shows up. And yes, for the record, I did take pregnancy tests at 9dpo and again yesterday afternoon at 10dpo (see- SPASTIC!), both BFN. The temp dip that occurred at 9dpo --if it is indeed an indication of implantation --means that from there my body should begin to secrete the pregnancy hormone- hCG- and once enough of that builds up in my system, a pregnancy test would reflect this with a BFP.

One thing that I HAVE been doing differently this month is taking progesterone suppositories post-O. This was a self-diagnosed request, as I tend to spot from 2-3 days or even longer before AF (last month I spotted red blood at 7dpo- which of course I twisted into thinking "it's implantation bleeding!!" Alas, it was just my jerk of a uterus starting to shed its lining early). I was concerned my lining might be starting to shed too early to sustain a pregnancy (for the record my doc was never concerned, but progesterone is one of those things that can't HURT- just help- if indeed there is early shedding, so I figured I had nothing to lose).

One of the things my doc did warn me about is that progesterone can cause delayed periods & pregnancy signs when a woman isn't pregnant.  I am 11 dpo now and definitely haven't had the normal pre-AF spotting (though I did spot brown for about 3-4 days after O immediately following my IUI)- though I am not sure if progesterone can cause the triphasic shift? I do know my normal luteal phase is 11-13 days, which means AF *should* come any day- but apparently progesterone can extend that luteal phase even without pregnancy.

So without further adieu, here is my BBT chart: what do YOU think?

Unexplained 'Fertility'

For the record- I HATE the word infertility. I refuse to have it as part of my identity, as it implies there is a flaw somewhere- and ladies, if you are in this "world," the LAST thing we need is to feel flawed by medical terminology.

Take "unexplained infertility" (which is a SUPER raw spot for me- I still remember vividly the day my regular OB 'labeled' me this, and I promptly went home to sob for hours, telling myself I would NEVER get pregnant b/c- news alert! I had unexplained infertility!) Why not call it "unexplained FERTILITY?" As in- maybe your fertility is hard to explain, but it is definitely there....being a bit of a stubborn a-hole, but there! We don't call a current college student "uneducated" or "incapable" of learning as they are in the process of getting their degree. They are in the process of getting educated, just as I like to think we are in the process of getting pregnant. Puts a much more positive spin on the whole thing.

The whole fertility road is such a sensitive one- laden with fear-filled land mines. Watch where you step-- you might have endometriosis! Your eggs might be too old! Your hormones might be awry! Your uterus might be hostile! And of course, the good 'ole favorite: You might be too stressed out!

Ok docs- why don't YOU take some responsibility for being part of the reason we are so stressed out? Between the blood tests & vaginal exams, the depressing statistics & hormone overriding drugs, we ladies have a lot on our plates. Maybe if the medical world gave us more spa like options, we'd have more favorable results. Visits might include a full body massage & foot scrub; aromatherapy candles & soothing music; chocolates & champagne. Instead of coming home to our partners fear stricken with our pulse racing & hair falling out, we'd return refreshed, rejuvenated, & hopeful.

A girl can dream, no?

Schooled by TTC

I figure if I’m going to start a blog, I should share a little history about our TTC (trying to conceive) journey.

First lesson learned: we are OLD in the TTC world (I am 35, hubby 40). Apparently my eggs started rotting when I turned 35, and now getting pregnant becomes more and more like climbing Mt Everest. And I'm not a mountain kinda girl.

2nd lesson:  TTC is a whole new world.  The acronyms! - (found & learned from stalking skimming fertility forums). A cheat-sheet to some commonly used terms that are now part of my vernacular:

AF: Aunt Flo, aka,  time of the month, period
DH: dear husband (or 'babycakes' --'BC'-- if the mood strikes)
CM: cervical mucus
BD: baby dance (aka sex)
CD: cycle day
BFN: big fat negative (as in pregnancy test)
BFP: big fat positive (do these really exist?)
IUI: Intrauterine Insemination
IVF: In Vitro Fertilization
2WW: two week wait (after ovulation- to see if you are preggers or not)
DPO: days past ovulation
OPK: ovulation predictor kit
SA: Semen analysis
BBT: Basal body temperature

What I have tried:

*Acupuncture
   ---over a years’ worth, 2 different practitioners. Allegedly my Liver & Kidney are jerks & need more chi
*Charting my BBT
   ---started this 6 months before we even began TTC- b/c obviously! We’d get pregnant right away! Abruptly stopped charting after 2nd month not getting knocked up- threw charts away in a crying rage, declaring that charting + my Type A personality were NOT meant to be.
*Monitoring CM & using OPKs
   ---I got really good at this- had everything down to a science. 3 days after fertile CM I would ovulate, and 14 days later AF would systematically show her ugly face
*Talking to psychics
   ---who have assured me there is a little girl waiting to come to us. Apparently she is in no rush. Awesome.
*Eating a Mediterranean diet. Eating high fat dairy. Cutting out dairy. Cutting out coffee. Drinking green tea. Eating green vegetables. You get the idea.
*Vitamins & supplements, to include Goji Juice, Evening Primrose Oil, Vitamin B, Pre-natal vitamins, magnesium, fish oil pills, flax seed pills, zinc
*Not trying. Going on vacation!
*Committing and TOTALLY trying again
*Myofasial work
*Chiropractic work
*Massages
*Energy work
*2 rounds Clomid,1 Femera
*Clomid + IUI (one try)
*Meditating
*Painting the future baby’s room
*Elevating my hips & staying there for an hour after BD
*Wearing fertility charms
*Using sperm friendly lube
*Taking Mucinex to increase fertile CM
*Going to a fertility specialist.....to be told our chance of conceiving's uplifting odds are 1-3%/month naturally. Woot!

Tests I/we have done:

*CD 3 & CD 20 blood tests (all normal)
*HSG (Hysterosalpingogram- a test where they shoot dye into your uterus to see if your tubes are open.) Which, b/c I have NO pain tolerance whatsoever and am a total wimp, I prepped for with a xanax AND half a vicodin. Don’t judge. Tubes were open, uterus a bit narrow, but overall I'm good to go.
*Countless monthly sonograms to monitor follicle growth & check for cysts. I feel like our fertility doc is getting more action than my husband these days. Sorry Babycakes.
*DH had SA, which showed extremely high counts, but lower motility. We joke that his swimmers are drunk. B/c of the high numbers, it isn’t too big of a concern. We also know his troops “work” based on a donation he did that resulted in an amazing baby boy.

The one doozy I haven’t yet done is the laparoscopy, where they cut you open make 3  incisions into your abdomen to “look around” for endometriosis, fibroids, scarring, etc. This is a little like the old Chicken and the Egg- do we keep paying for interventions when there might be undiagnosed endometriosis? Or do we pay $2000 for the laparoscopy, knowing that they might not find ANYTHING?

(Unsolicited) Advice I have gotten:

*Relax
*Stop “trying” and it will happen (a personal fav)
*Why don’t you adopt?
*Life’s hard
*Do this chant to connect with your unborn child
*Meditate
*Exercise more
*Drink/eat/take “” (insert endless string of items here)
*Trust that it WILL happen (often said by folks who got pregnant on the first try or have never TTC)

Every month is a new game. Sometimes I feel hopeful, other times utterly hopeless.