Updates on The Study

I knew there was a chance after my last cycle (which I hoped and prayed would be THE cycle where I miraculously got pregnant naturally) that I might still be able to participate in The Study.  Bloodwork & initial screening had been done, and the Study Coordinator had me on the tentative roster for late January.

The estimated time frame of it all was crazy. It was likely that the retrieval and embryo transfer (the biggest parts of the IVF process) would go down right around the time we'd be heading out for a 9 day getaway outside of Austin, meaning we'd have to drive back into town for those procedures. It's also the absolute busiest time of the year with my work right now, with nary a spare moment to myself.

I am already feeling crazy with how much is on my plate…so I figured why not throw an IVF cycle into the mix?

And so it began. Or rather, my period began. On a Saturday morning, of course, which meant I had to go in to get my final study screening done by cycle day 3 (Monday) at the latest. I left message after message at my doctor's office and got radio silence all.weekend.long. I was cursing The Study Coordinator (whom we'll call Turtle for her ridiculously slow correspondence) more than ever, as she had made it clear SHE was the one who would schedule all appointments.

That Sunday afternoon BC departed for a week long business trip. That Sunday night at 7:30pm, Iyla began the first of her sleep regression episodes. When I collapsed into bed at 8:45, I finally had a response from Turtle, saying I had to come into the office Monday at 2pm to do my final screening.

I was irate. I was with Iyla all by myself on Mondays, and 2pm was smack dab in the middle of her nap time. I could have easily come in for my screening at any other point that entire weekend while BC was home to tag team with me, had Turtle returned my messages sooner.

Several back and forth emails later, I'd at the very least been able to push the appointment back to 3pm, though there was no getting around Iyla having to accompany me.

And so it was. Iyla came with me to 2 doctor appointments, 1 blood draw, and 2 pharmacy visits (the first pharmacy's electronic system was completely down, resulting in 20 person deep lines at the 2nd pharmacy). We didn't get home until 7pm which is usually Iyla's bedtime. I was exhausted to say the least, but absolutely amazed at how well Iyla did. She thought the entire afternoon was one big grand adventure, waving her play magic wand at every stop and delighting in getting to watch her beloved Frozen during all of my appointments.

Interestingly enough I found out from Turtle that The Study had just been put on an indefinite hold. At my screening appointment she had me back date all of my paperwork, such that I barely squeaked in before the hiatus. Further confirmation that my pull to participate in the midst of my insane schedule was the right thing to do.

My attitude during all of this has been surprisingly non emotional and skeptical. Life is keeping me so busy I don't have any time to think about The Study itself- to scrutinize and analyze protocol and statistics. And if you pinned me down to ask me if I thought this would result in a pregnancy? My resounding response would be NO.

I've been so nonchalant, in fact, that when I went to my pre-Lurpon sonogram appointment last week I had completely forgotten that I was supposed to bring BC with me, along with all of our IVF paperwork to sign.

Whoops.

I guess I might have to start paying a little bit more attention.

So… why am I doing this if I don't feel like it is going to work?

I'm doing it to give one last big PUSH in the intervention world- and IVF is as big of a push as you can do.

I'm doing it because the opportunity with The Study saves us a lot of money on this intervention.

I'm doing it with the hope that if we don't get pregnant, we'll still have some good quality embryos to freeze toward future cycles.

And if I DIDN'T do it? I'd always wonder 'what if' if we weren't to get pregnant again.

This way, if we make the huge push and don't get pregnant, at least I know we gave it our all. Then I can more easily come to a place of peace in my heart about being a family of 3. I am oh so grateful for the beautiful, smart, silly, charismatic little girl we are fortunate enough to spend our days with. It's an amazingly good life, and I work hard to stay in a place of gratitude for all I've been given.

I am now in my 3rd week of birth control pills and will begin Lupron shots tomorrow morning. In another week and a half I'll start my stimulation meds, toward a retrieval and transfer in the first half of March- ironically the exact same time of year that Iyla was conceived. God help BC if we were to conceive another Scorpio!

And away we go...

Mama's ME Day

For the last week, I've been feeling worn down. Tired, moody, hormonal- just... off. Throwing fertility treatments and appointments into the mix of an already full work/life/Mama/wife regime has definitely tipped things out of balance, and I was starting to feel like a shadow of myself.

Historically I know that whenever I start feeling this way, it means I am in deep need of some self nurturing.

On weekends BC helps out with Iyla from her wake up through her nap so I can work, get house chores done, run errands etc. Every other weekend he takes a full day for himself to recharge- golfing with good friends then heading out for dinner and drinks with them.

Last weekend was a golf weekend, so heading into this weekend I made the request for a full ME Day- something I don't do very often. It then came to me that if I got a full ME day plus BC taking the wake-until-nap shift the following day, I could maybe get away. As in- go somewhere OVERNIGHT.

Just the thought made me giddy.

After checking with BC (who was completely supportive) I did some quick research and booked one of the last trail side rooms available at Travaasa Resort just outside of Austin. This resort is nestled into a wildlife preserve and features a gorgeous spa and its own farm that provides farm to table meals. And? A daily "activity" menu with things like meditation and yoga:

Yes, PLEASE.

This morning- on the cusp of my highly anticipated ME Day- I awoke to pouring rain and flashing migraine lights.

Um, Universe? This is NOT how I had planned to start the day.

I was not to be deterred, and happily it appears that this was to be the worst of it.

To start with, I never got the pain that accompanies my migraines over 50% of the time. Thankfully the Niacin and migraine meds I took were effective,  and I was again ready to take the day by storm (pun intended).

Better.

I then packed my bags, gave lots of kisses to BC and Iyla, and headed off to a local coffee shop for breakfast. Over the last couple of months I've cut out caffeine in an effort to improve overall health and fertility- but knowing that caffeine can help with migraines, went ahead and got a lovely (one shot) cappuccino with my eggs:

Naughty delicious

Better.

I then headed to my doctor's office for a follicle release check. I'd had IUI's the previous two days, and as usual, at yesterday's IUI I hadn't ovulated yet. This is my 4th injectables cycle, and the very first one was the ONLY one where more than one egg released- and the ONLY one where we got pregnant (unfortunately ending quickly in a Chemical Pregnancy). Heading into this cycle, I was pretty adamant with Dr. Vaughn that I wanted to do whatever we could to hopefully have more than one follicle mature and (fingers crossed) release.

So at this morning's appointment the on-call doctor took a look and declared that she no longer saw any of my top 3 follicles, likely meaning that ALL THREE HAD RELEASED.

Cue me to:

ELATED AND EXCITED! Increased odds! Go baby go!

REALISTIC/FROU: If this kid isn't ready to join the family yet, even THREE tempting egg opportunities won't bring him/her here.

TERRIFIED: Dear God, what if more than one actually take?

Overall I left the appointment with my heart singing and hopeful, and proceeded to drive to my own personal Resort paradise.

I began the day at the spa with a massage by a French therapist. As he was stretching my legs and remarking how incredibly flexible I was, I noted that this was quite amazing given I hadn't been working out or doing much yoga lately. To which he replied in his thick accent:

"Zee study show zat zee tight glute eh pas ideal- flat, flaccid glute eh better pour zee ip eh knee."

Pardonnez moi, Monsieur? Did you just call my butt flat and flaccid?

Alas, he was on to me. It's true: flat and flaccid glutes have moi.

But I digress.

I spent much of the rainy afternoon at the spa, partaking in the hot tubs & steam room. I then checked into my gorgeous little nature-perched room, unpacked, and headed out for a muddy hike. I suddenly felt so much gratitude for the rain I'd cursed that morning, as there was not another soul on the trail and the temperatures were gloriously in the lower 60's (as compared to the 90's of the previous week).

I proceeded to wash up and walk to dinner. On my way, I noticed two ladies staring at me intently.

Was it my flat flaccid glutes?

Then one of the ladies called out "Jules?" and lo and behold, it was the woman who had married BC and I over 6 years ago! She was here celebrating her mom's 60th birthday. What amazing small world serendipity!

Bring it on, Universe.

And now I bring you my first ME Day in photos:

Home sweet home for the night

The view from my private patio

Equally as rejuvenating? The photos BC texted me of his day with Iyla. Cue my heart melting:

BEST.

And now my cup runneth over.

It's October… Why Not?

Fall is finally in the air! And in Austin, that means temperatures are only in the mid to upper 80's, with predictable relief in the shade. A huge shift from months of relentless 100+ degree weather!

The seasonal shift always energizes and inspires me. This year, it may also cause some short term debt, as I find myself unable to hold back from buying ALL THE CUTE SWEATERS AND JEANS for Iyla. And this kid already has definite opinions on her clothes. When I pulled out a pair of jeans for her to try on yesterday, instead of saying "no like jeans"- which is what I'd expected she'd say- she exclaimed "I like jeans!" And wanted to leave them on all.day.long. That's my girl!

Also a hit? This little yellow sweater, which was immediately declared "COZY!"

 Sadly a cute jean jacket received the dreaded "no like this!"

I've decided my motto this October is "Why Not?" Specifically, 'why not' go ahead and march onward with another injectables cycle? This was a very, very last minute decision on my part- as I had intended to take several more months off from interventions- but …. why not? Dr. Vaughn definitely had a strong opinion on my fence sitting when I saw him yesterday, flat out saying "well, you've been having sex and not getting pregnant." Very astute observation, Dr. Vaughn. Indeed. He also likes to remind me that I will be turning THIRTY NINE soon, and with fertility, time isn't really on my side. 

How we feel about Western opinions

My mom? She says the babe will come when he/she is ready, just like Iyla did. No matter what I do or don't do to help out.

All is true.

And so I take the western opinions and tuck them into my frou-frou pocket. My intuition feels like another babe is definitely coming. Having that babe while 39 feels right (vs 40, so that would be getting pregnant in the next 4-5 months or so). I acknowledge that in the 3 years trying to conceive Iyla I had a LOT of hopeful intuitions month to month about when she would come, and many were wrong. I had to keep that hope alive to stay positive, which is what I intend to do again now. 

The frou doesn't fall far from the tree

And I AM hopeful. And desiring. And realistic. And yes, Zen. This month I am an energized, motivated, inspired Zen Master who'd like to officially put in an order with the Universe: 2015 baby, please. 

October, you've always been an inspiring month… here's hoping great things are in store!

108

Babycakes and I got home from Wimberely this past Monday, after having rented out our house for 9 nights to SXSW (South by Southwest) festival folk. The oddest thing I found upon our return? A pair of mens' boxer shorts stuffed behind a pillow on our couch. Ewww. But if that is the worst of it, I think we did OK.


BC and I are so happy to be home. We both agreed the energy was "off" during our trip- we were bickering much more than normal, and just not in the groove together. Apparently we are NOT meant to be country folk.


There might also be another reason why I was more grumpy & emotional than normal:

Holy S***.  I tested on a total whim Tuesday morning, and to my surprise there it was- a VERY strong positive smiling back at me. My reaction? Immediately crumpling to the ground in full body tingles, disbelief, and a few choked back sobs.

A total surprise, natural BFP. No interventions and with 2 cysts from last month's injectables. And with 'baked' eggs from my high body temps. Apparently "The Great Healing" earlier this month had some mad powers, and I truly think we have a miracle baby on our hands.

When I called in to Dr. Vaughn's office, the nurse sounded extremely surprised to hear the news (what? you got pregnant by yourself?), and emailed me a lab slip to get my beta numbers. I was a little nervous to see what the numbers came back at, since last December, at 14dpo, my HCG was only 28 and resulted in a chemical pregnancy.

This beta, at 12dpo?

108! An amazingly strong, healthy number (our photo prompt today is "Numbers,"so I've blended this prompt with my BFP pic). We have a fiesty fighter on our hands!

I have such a sense of calm, peace, and elated excitement all stirring within me. I am SO incredibly hopeful, given our entire journey, that this is the forever baby we'll be taking home on or around November 29th (2012- yay!) I just love that we are due around Thanksgiving- seems so appropriate.

For now, I am just going to enjoy every.single.day of being pregnant. I know there is a long road ahead, but can't help having that "meant to be" feeling surrounding this pregnancy's circumstances (almost 3 years of 'trying,' including countless IUIs, clomid, injectables, etc- then immediately after The Great Healing -BAM!).

Little One, you are SO loved and SO wanted, and I appreciate the lessons of patience & releasing control you have already taught me so much about. I promise to stay connected to my intuition & my body during this journey. Thank you for choosing us!

****************
Just noticed this posted at 1:08! Auspicious number indeed. Love that.

The Great Healing (March Photos: Days 6-9)

Have you ever had a day where the universe smacks you in the face with a lesson? (warning- frou-frou post ahead)

That was my Wednesday.

Admittedly at the beginning of this month I was gung-ho to move immediately ahead with another injectables cycle. More hormones. More interventions. Telling myself that *obviously!* this was the only means by which I might achieve a pregnancy.

When I got the news that I had 2 cysts that would prevent me from injectables this month, I was extremely saddened & disappointed. It was a very lonely, lost feeling to not know where to turn next. Even my pulse turned "superficial" and unrooted.

That's when I had the revolutionary idea to turn to myself- to ask that still, small voice deep inside: what is the best thing for ME?

I was immediately overcome with the sense that I was not ready to do another surgery (though I've waffled back and forth on that a lot this past week), and that my body needed some time off from hormones & interventions. Along those lines, the other strong instincts that came to me:

*Shifting from Pilates back to yoga
When I met BC years ago, I was doing a regular Ashtanga Yoga practice. We shared a love of the practice that continued for our first few years together. More recently I have transitioned into Pilates, for its benefits in strengthening my core & my back. This week, however, that voice inside nudged me back toward yoga; toward a practice that encourages stretching, lengthening, opening, breathing, vs one that focuses on tightening and constricting (to a soundtrack of loud, fun, busy 80's music no less).

*Getting even healthier in my nutrition
I eat quite healthfully in my day to day life, but there is always room for more fruits & veggies, and continuing to limit adult beverages to only a few times/week. I will also continue to have green tea in lieu of coffee, with the occasional decaf cappuccino as a treat.

*Making time for nature
Being out in nature always soothes & relaxes me. It has a transformational, rejuvenating effect on my entire being. We are fortunate enough to live right near Austin's Lady Bird Lake, so just walking along the water & then laying down under a tall tree can re-set & heal my nervous system.

Back to Wednesday.

I had planned to meet Cristy (my clairvoyant friend who I check in with about the future little ones) for coffee & a mini session. I lamented to her how 'off' my body was this month (high temperatures, no positive OPK surge), likely from the hormones. How I felt like my entire natural system had been overridden and was now at the mercy of medical science.

Cristy worked with me on understanding that the past (almost 3!) years of trying to get pregnant have been a learning journey. Her sense (that resonated deeply within me) was that this journey is largely about my learning to trust myself. Really believe in my body & my ability to conceive. Release fear surrounding fertility and replace that fear with pure divine light. Work to truly love myself and appreciate my body. Her sense was that our little one was waiting for me to "get" these lessons. As she said that, another thought immediately came to me: this little one was wanting to be conceived through the deep connection between BC and I, vs. through a doctor's syringe. BC and I have been experiencing a beautiful, deep connection this month- emotionally and physically- just really enjoying one another and what we've built together.

I left my time with Cristy feeling very centered, rooted, clear. Feeling a deep shift inside toward taking some time to just get back to the basics- to my connection with myself and with BC, and see what might come of that.

And you know what happened that afternoon?

A POSITIVE OPK SURGE. No joke. Ok, universe- I'm getting it.

Then you know what else happened?

I got a letter from our insurance company saying we were approved for In-Network coverages for an IVF cycle. How about that timing? I've been around the block long enough to know that when there is a deep life lesson at hand the universe will test you left and right surrounding that lesson. So here I was, all hippied out in my plan to take time off and commune with nature & BC, when medical science sent a big red banner: COME BACK! YOU NEED US! HOW COMMITTED ARE YOU REALLY TO THAT DEEP INTUITION INSIDE?

And you know what I did?

Yoga. Then BC. ; )

**********************************

And here is my catch up session with photos 6-9 for this month, all beautifully related to this post:

Combined Day 6: Challenge, and Day 7: Purple

 Back to the good 'ole purple yoga mat. My challenge? 

Truly listing to my heart, which includes the shift back into yoga.

Day 8: Heal

 Nature always has the ability to deeply heal me. Every time I look at this picture I immediately take a deep breath- feeling the warm sunshine streaming down through the cool, crisp air.

Day 9: Soft

I am obsessed with clouds. LOVE THEM. Every kind. I actually took an Atmospheric and Oceanic Sciences course in college just so I could study clouds. These are deliciously soft alto-cumulus puffs.

Tomorrow we leave for 9 nights at our rented 1 bedroom cottage in Wimberley, on 35 acres of beautiful, pristine nature.

I'll be bringing the yoga mat.

March Photo Challenge, Days 3-5

What a gorgeous weekend (and Monday) we are having here in Austin! Perfectly idyllic weather- sunny, breezy, 70 degree heaven. Babycakes was out of town this weekend, so I took the opportunity to have some good girl time with a couple of my besties- including evening margaritas and morning brunches.

I have a little catching up to do on my March Photo Challenge! 

Here are days 3-5: 

Day 3: "Domestic"

This is how I found BC after a long day working in the yard

Day 4: "Illuminate"

 This shot was a complete accident! We were in our NYC hotel elevator, where I was turning on the camera for another shot. Apparently the camera took a bonus shot, which was discovered later while going through pictures.

Day 5: "Commute"

No two days' commute is ever the same in the Real Estate world.  I office from home, but am out and about on appointments all day long. This shot was taken while seeing acreage property up in Georgetown. My client (shown above) and I met a friend while meandering down a long country driveway. Ms. Donkey was happy to have visitors!

Over the weekend I also decided I was ready to move forward with scheduling another laparoscopic surgery. I feel like my body needs a few months off of hormones to recover and get in tip top shape, so it makes sense during the down time to also get cleaned out inside. Unfortunately, I just found out Dr. Vaughn is booked out quite a ways, with the end of April being the soonest I could schedule. That is another 2 cycles away! 

So.hard.to.wait. 

Slow and Steady (Wins the Race?)- Injectables Day 8

At my visit with Dr. V on Friday, my follicles made it clear they were in no rush this month. I had hoped with 4 days' spacing between appointments that they'd be farther along, but Dr. V seemed just fine with the pace, as we don't want more than 3 lead follicles taking over at any given time (cue an impatient sigh over here). So much for less total blood draws this cycle!

Here are my current counts with 8 days of Gonal-F injections under my belt (literally):

Right Ovary: 11, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 7, 6, 5
Left Ovary: 11, 8, 7, 6, 6
Estrogen: 230

I can't help but feel like a case study in "Diminishing Marginal Returns." Way back on my first innocent cycle of Clomid, my body had an awesome response and produced 3 good sized follicles. On subsequent months with the same dosages (amazing how quickly I lose track of the numbers- I think I had 3-4 total tries with Clomid, 1 with Femara?) I never again produced more than 1 follicle.

Likewise, on my first cycle of Gonal-F back in November/December, I was on the exact same dosages I am now, but those follies and estrogen levels progressed a whole lot faster. I didn't even finish my 1.5ml pen that round, whereas this month's pen has maybe one more draw in it, and I still have days of injections remaining.

Case in point, these were my counts from day #8 on my last injectables cycle:

Right ovary: 16, 14, 14, 14, 8, 7, 6
Left ovary: 12,11,10, 8, 7

Estrogen: 582

It appears my ovaries are onto us- the gig is up.

And yes, I know it isn't about how fast those follicles grow, rather that 2-3 eventually reach that critical 20mm size. But I still can't help feeling a wee bit disappointed that the troops seem sluggish this round.

I had scheduled an energy clearing session today to remove any residual "muck" from my system toward The Great Release of 2012. About an hour before my appointment I got a call from what sounded like a frog - it was D saying she was sick, had lost her voice, and had to cancel. So now I have to just trust that my system is still open & clear and ready to embrace another pregnancy? Say what?


Patience and trust. Patience and trust. Truly believing this can happen. Trusting in the (oh so SLOW! Why is it so SLOW?) timing of it all.

And the journey continues.....

Injectables, Round 2

Today marks day #6 on this month's injectables cycle. I am experiencing (and remembering from last round) Gonal-F's side effects, to include:

*Feeling extremely short tempered & impatient the first few days on the hormones (which was super awesome last Friday night when BC was also in a bad mood. We opted to cut date night short, lest we end up at each others' throats).

*A substantial appetite increase. Gotta feed those growing follicles!

*Using the restroom a lot more frequently, but sadly, not for, AHEM, regularity. Those follies are pushing on my bladder while also stopping me up (I know, TMI, but at this point, Dear Readers, what else would you expect?)

*Very mild heat flashes

*Great energy levels- than goodness for something positive!

*Migraines. I woke up with one Sunday morning that taunted me throughout the day, and yesterday evening before dinner it came back full force. 

*Bloating: my lower abdomen feels like it is stuffed with grapefruit. I feel so heavy down there, which made yesterday's Pilates class extra challenging, and possibly the last for awhile (9-10 months?!).

I saw Dr. Vaughn for my Follicle Roll Call yesterday, and I am on almost the exact same trajectory as my last injectables cycle. Oddly enough, Trideca-Mom over here again has 13 lead follies jockeying toward The Great Release of 2012!

Day #4 Roll Call:

Right Ovary (in mm): 10,8,7,7,6,6,5

Left Ovary: 11.10,9,7,7,6

I feel ya, buddy

Dr. V thinks we'll likely trigger over the weekend toward IUI's early next week. If there is one thing I do really appreciate about these injectables cycles, it's how quickly they move along. I also appreciate that  Dr. V is spacing out my blood draws/visits every four days instead of 3 (given we now have a bit of history to know how my body responds)- which hopefully will amount to one less blood draw overall. 

The next check in is Friday to find out when The Great Release of 2012 will occur. Go Baby Lambies, go!

Meet Franny

I had an appointment with Dr. Vaughn this morning. You know you are a fertility patient when a month going by without seeing your doctor leads you into withdrawal. I was happy to be back in the saddle again!

During the exam, as Dr. V moved the sonogram wand around, right to left, it was clear that growth was taking place!

Sadly, that growth was my fibroid.

Since it appears she wants to be acknowledged, I shall call her Franny. Franny has been a part of me since my first sonograms with Dr. Vaughn. During my laparoscopic surgery last June, Dr. V had elected NOT to remove her, as she didn't appear to be in a place that would affect fertility. Also, if he had taken her out, I would have had to stay overnight at the hospital and my recovery time would have increased from 3 days to two weeks. Hence Franny stayed.

Maybe out of sympathy that nothin' else is currently growing inside me, she's decided to up her anty. Unfortunately she is growing toward my uterus, and starting to push into its left side. So what does this mean? It means if a wee Lambie baby attached to that section of my uterus, it would be as if there was extremely shallow, nutrient deficient soil there, and that little one wouldn't be able to grow. Of course I asked Dr. V if he thinks that might have been what caused our miscarriage, and he said it was unlikely, but not impossible.

The choices go like this:

1. Leave Franny alone and keep her monitored. Proceed full steam ahead with another round of injectables, and should a pregnancy occur, fingers and toes crossed that the little one implants anywhere but the lower left side of my uterus. Franny could be a bit uncomfortable with a pregnancy, but shouldn't pose any risks to the baby.

2. Remove Franny now. This would entail another laparoscopic surgery, an overnight at the hospital, 2 weeks off work for recovery, and a "100% guarantee" (according to Dr. V) that once I did get pregnant, I'd have to deliver by C-section. This is because part of my uterine lining would be cut with Franny's removal. Dr. V assures me they patch everything up extremely well, and that the lining should hold fine for a pregnancy, but likely couldn't withstand labor.

Given these choices, it isn't hard to see which way I'll go. Tonight begins ROUND TWO OF INJECTABLES! The prayers are going to be off the charts this month, b/c if we don't conceive this round, there is a really good chance Franny will have to come out (especially if she continues growing). I think I may go back to this years' vision board and specify that the words "birth" and "deliver" are meant for a BABY, not a FIBROID. Clarity of intention, people.

Ah, Gonal-F, we meet again. Please be as freakishly friendly & fertile as last month!

Kisses,

Me

Doctor's Orders

At my cycle day 3 sonogram yesterday, Dr. Vaughn declared, and I quote, that my left ovary "was not behaving very nicely." Basically meaning there was a nice 'ole cyst on it (I think there might have been two?) I think all that follicle action last month left some deflated casualties. Apparently ovarian cysts can emit progesterone, lowering one's chance for pregnancy that month. Couple that with the fact that my HCG came in at 8 (where we wanted it 5 or below), and Dr. V strongly advised us to wait a cycle before doing injectables again.

Boo. I felt as deflated as those old follicles.

But also a teeny weeny smidgen relieved, in that my arms will get a month off from blood draws, my body from hormones, and I don't have to do any fancy appointment finagling in Kansas.

I did have Cristy check in psychically with the little ones, and what she "heard" was that the "sister-friend" little one was the one who had started coming in, but because the main little one who is meant to be first (even as a twin) wasn't there too, the sister-friend retreated this round. And they are very, very ready. They know without a doubt that we are very, very ready. Cristy actually cheered me up post Dr. V, saying she was getting that this totally could happen naturally. When they're ready, they're ready, she said. Now my challenge is to truly BELIEVE that.  I will definitely keep the prayers going!

And off to Kansas we go......

Moving Forward

I am sitting at one of my happy places here in Austin- the Driskill Hotel- having a lovely breakfast at their Cafe 1886. Christmas music is streaming through the speakers as sunlight filters in to illuminate the holiday travelers starting their days. I am indulging in a cappuccino (one shot only!), and luxuriating in the moment.

I feel peace. I feel healing. I feel so ready to move on to this next cycle.

I have always been someone who is able to move on pretty quickly in life. I am a forward thinking planner & dreamer, seldom looking over my shoulder at what is behind me. Seldom having regrets. This wasn't always so hot for my ex-boyfriends when they found themselves quickly replaced, but this trait is boding well for me in the fertility world.

I am so proud of myself for genuinely mourning this loss, feeling that pain, letting that grief and vulnerability bubble up and release. It was cleansing, healing, freeing. I have moved from a shallow feeling of HOPE, always wondering, to a strongly rooted BELIEF this can really happen. This DID happen. This WILL happen again. I know it with every ounce of my body.

I've also healed the sorrow & envy that would trickle in every time I heard someone was pregnant. Now, instead of feeling that these women had something I didn't, I KNOW I can have that too. My body can create life.

Last month, in addition to feeling very zen in my TWW,  I decided to energetically replace the term "TRYING" (to get pregnant), to "ALLOWING." "Trying" feels tight and restricted and fearful, whereas "allowing" is lighter, open, receptive. Those are the qualities that are more apt to bring a little one in.

I was told yesterday by my nurse that I'd had a chemical pregnancy this cycle, which is pretty much a fancy term for a very early miscarriage. This morning my body began its release in full force. I am grateful it is happening on its own so quickly; however, the timing of it is creating some challenging logistics for this next cycle. I feel 100% resolute that I want to move forward with another injectables cycle. In lieu of discouraging me, this month's events have renewed my faith & genuinely energized me. Momentum has built and it would be extremely difficult to take a month off.

Did I mention we leave Friday for 5 days in Kansas with BC's family? Timing wise injectables cycles are started on CD 3, which is Thursday, and that would put me at 6 full days of being unmonitored, which my doctor will not allow.

Thus I spent the morning chatting with my sister-in-law to get a doctor recommendation in Kansas, and was able to find a clinic that can see me on the 26th for monitoring (at 7:30 in the morning. Of course). If my insurance will support this, we'll be a go for full steam ahead. I'll be packing up the Gonal-F pen for a whirlwind vacation with the in-laws.

I've also decided that in the next couple of weeks I am going to:

*Eat lots of sushi
*Eat my steaks medium rare
*Eat soft cheeses
*Indulge in (limited) glasses of red wine
*Take lots of pilates classes

All with the anticipation of (hopefully) having to give these items up again soon. Babycakes will also be happy to hear that for now I can resume taking care of the cat litter. I plan to continue with weekly acupuncture, re-visit D for another energy cleansing, and also check in with Cristy to hear what the little ones were up to with this month's events.

The Quest continues! May 2012 bring Baby Lambert home.

Playing the Odds

In each Injectables cycle, there is a 25% chance of achieving pregnancy.

I've often thought about the moment when I'd get my first positive pregnancy test (BFP). I imagined lots of happy tears, Babycakes picking me up in a huge bear hug and dancing me around.

It was sort of like that.

The morning I was to get my blood test (14 days past ovulation- or "DPO"), I took a home pregnancy test, mostly so I could see the negative result and try to get out of giving blood. Imagine my surprise when I saw this:

                                Extremely light, but definitely there!! Kind of hard to see in this picture.

I had read enough to know there was no such thing as a false positive, no matter how light it was! I was literally shaking as I put on my makeup in record speed. I had never in my life been so excited to go give blood. I yelled out a quick "I think I saw something REALLY promising!" to BC as I ran out the door.

I went back to Snake Eyes' clinic, and she was no where to be seen! The lady who drew me was AMAZING and it hardly hurt at all. This was to be a good day! Babycakes was already calling me to find out what had happened that morning, and we both anxiously awaited the results call from the fertility clinic.

I went through my day in a numb, excited blur. I could hardly believe this might be IT! I flashed back to some of the suspicious signs I'd been having the last few days- the constant mild heat flashes, extreme constipation (sorry again-TMI!), bloody noses, and yes, even the insanely sore boobs. I went around the house all day with my phone glued to my side, not taking any other calls for fear the fertility clinic might call while I was on the line.

My friend who also works with this clinic told me I should be able to call in for blood test results myself anytime after 1:30. So with my heart racing, around 3pm I dialed in. And was transferred to MY nurse (oh promising!) whose voice intonation sounded good.

"Jules, how are you?"

"Hopeful!"

"Well, you are definitely definitely pregnant."

Cue me silently mouthing Holy S***!!!!!! For the first time in my life, and after 2 1/2 years of trying, I was finally pregnant. Holy holy s***.

"Your HCG is at 28, which is a tad low. We want you to do another test in 2 days to see what your numbers look like then."

A tad low? What? I had just witnessed my friend go through a pretty rough experience (the one who got pregnant on her IVF cycle). She very sadly ended up with an ectopic pregnancy. She too had a low HCG number initially- but her number had been even higher than mine.

Looking for reassurance, I asked the nurse if she saw women with my kinds of numbers go on to have healthy pregnancies. She replied "I've seen it go both ways. I just want to prepare you." She explained that we wanted to see the HCG number at least double on my next test, showing there was growth occurring.

So there I was. The buoyant joy I felt earlier in the day took on a very guarded, heavy tone. Yes, I was pregnant. But my numbers weren't good. Of course I googled everything I could find on the subject, and it seemed like most women's first HCG counts were in the 100's. My nurse said they prefer to see them "at least 50" on an initial draw. And thus began a torturous waiting game.

When BC got home from work I told him the news that we were indeed pregnant, and he was SO excited! He did pick me up and swing me around (ouch- boobs!) and kissed me with so much sweet passion. It hurt my heart a bit seeing how genuinely overjoyed he was, knowing we were treading on some delicate ground.

We elected to tell a select few people about our news. It was a strange way to share, having to instantly insert the caveat "but our numbers are low so please send prayers and good energy our way." We decided to tell my parents, since we wanted them on board with the prayer chain, and they were OVER.THE.MOON. Saying this was the best Christmas news they could have hoped to receive!

The next morning (15 DPO) I took another home pregnancy test, and my line was darker than the day before! Super promising- as I knew that these tests measured HCG levels, so there must have been growth there! I spent the day talking and singing to that little Baby Bean, telling him/her that we absolutely wanted them to STAY and GROW! I barely slept that night with all the praying I was doing. I allowed myself to go through the day really believing this could happen. I dusted off the "What to Expect When You're Expecting Book" I'd hidden years before. I imagined the moment we'd get to tell BC's family at Christmas that another baby was on its way! His sisters' little one would have a cousin right around the same age!

Over the age of 35, it is believed that there is a 20% chance of miscarriage

 in the first 4 weeks of pregnancy.

On the morning of my next blood draw (16 DPO), I did 2 more home pregnancy tests to *hopefully* see that positive line getting even darker. It was hard to deny that on one test the line was lighter than yesterday, on another it was hardly there. My heart sank. More frantic googling ensued, and I found reassurance from ladies who noted that those tests can be extremely affected by how much water you've drank, the time of day you test, etc. I had to hold on to hope. Many ladies seemed to have had this happen and went on to have healthy pregnancies.

After the blood draw I had a Psychic Development class from 11-5 with a girlfriend of mine. During a break I saw that the fertility clinic had left a voicemail, and I thought my heart might beat out of my chest. I decided to wait until I got home to listen to the message with BC, b/c I knew if it was bad news there was NO way I could get through the rest of the class.

Because the nature of the class was training us to better hear our intuition, angels, guides, etc, I was "in the zone." And when I checked in with myself, asking if this pregnancy would continue, I immediately heard in my head "I'll be back" (and no, not in an Arnold Schwarzenegger voice).

My ego did NOT want to hear this! So I replied back with the thought "we want you to STAY with us! Please stay!" And then I heard "yes mama." Again, my ego wanted to believe this was the little one saying that YES he/she would stay, and that the whole "I'll be back" I heard initially was a fluke. I needed to believe that there was some free will involved, even with this little one.

After class I raced home and summoned BC to come listen to the voicemail with me. Very anticlimactic, since the nurse had left a message to page her for the news. More torturous waiting!

BC and I headed out to dinner and I again kept my phone glued to my side. It rang just as BC's wine & my water had arrived. I immediately did not like the intonation of this nurse, and for good reason. She said my blood test showed my HCG had actually gone down to 25, when what we were looking for was for it to at least double. Not good news at all. They wanted me to do one more blood test on CD 18 to confirm what they suspected, that this was not a viable pregnancy. I thought that was a pretty mean thing to layer onto the news- "oh, and we want you to give blood AGAIN just so we can tell you AGAIN this ain't gonna work. "

I had many questions.

Had she ever seen anyone with these results go on to have an HCG rise and a healthy pregnancy? 

Once. In her 19 years. She wanted us to prepare ourselves.

When would my body release the pregnancy (miscarry?)


The HCG has to get back down to zero, which can take anywhere from a week to a month.

Will my body resolve this on its own?


Maybe. If not there is a shot they can give to induce the release, otherwise surgery may be needed.

I then waved the waitress over and told her to bring me a glass of whatever wine BC was drinking. I flashed back to the little one saying "yes mama" to my wanting her to stay, and wondered if she had meant "yes mama, I do know that you want me to stay."

We were in public, and had to have our game faces on. We were so, so sad. And I was so, so mad that we had even shared this news with anyone. Because now we had to share the updated news, in essence re-living it over and over with each person we'd told. Lesson learned there, and now I totally get why people wait for that 12 week marker. It's a tough call, as we are pretty open, but man, it sucks to have to report to the troops that "oops, sorry. Just kidding about that whole baby coming on August 24th thing. Hope you didn't get your hopes up."

In the midst of our sadness, we tried to focus on the positive that would come out of this. We now knew we could get pregnant. We were grateful, if this was NOT to be a viable pregnancy, that it ended as early as it possibly could, and not many weeks further along. We were grateful to have been pregnant at all through the injectables, vs. having gotten a negative result. If my body now recognized how to do this, surely it could do it again. My tubes must work! Our 'stuff' works! And on the spiritual level, we now know without a shadow of a doubt that someone is coming. That I am no longer blocked. This little one was ready to come but for some reason the genetics weren't quite right this round.

It is also interesting to me how each of us needs to mourn and cope in different ways. For BC, it was meeting out guy friends for drinks, where he could just talk politics and lose himself in not thinking about the last few days for awhile. For me it was calling a girlfriend up and bawling my eyes out. Then calling my mom and bawling my eyes out. Then holding my kitties and bawling my eyes out. And upon BC returning home, holding him and bawling my eyes out once more.

Less than 5 percent of women have two consecutive miscarriages, and only 1 percent have three or more consecutive miscarriages. Miscarriage is usually a one-time occurrence. Most women who miscarry go on to have a healthy pregnancy.

Today? I do feel a sense of peace. I do feel so hopeful that if we did this once, we can do it again. Of course I am still super sad, but I am so hopeful that we WILL get pregnant again.

It is pretty brutal to have to wait for my body to let this go, and I am to stay on my progesterone until tomorrow's blood draw results, which are mostly to confirm what we already know is happening. My boobs are hurting less and less. The constipation has let up. It's amazing how quickly my body recognizes & adjusts to a pregnancy, only to immediately recognize the pregnancy isn't continuing.

I pray that my body does release soon (before we leave for Christmas), as apparently it comes as a really painful period with intense cramping & clotting. I suspect with that will come another big wave of grief. We'll see what Dr. Vaughn advises when I hopefully see him this week and get more information.

For now,  I am just so anxious to get back in the game and start trying again.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

********Note: the politics of blogging this whole TTC stuff is complicated. Please note that you, dear blog readers, are in a special category of being pretty immediate witnesses to our journey. That being said, for those friends/family who read along, know that in "the real world" we would be notifying you of any positive news past the 12 week mark, so please don't feel saddened or offended that you did not get immediate calls with the last few days' roller coaster.  We appreciate your continued love, understanding, & support! *************

Injectables IUI #2

I had my 2nd IUI this afternoon. The lab was running way behind, so I got treated to over an hour waiting in the doctors' office, undressed from the waist down. Couldn't help but think of this song while lying there:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDgDTEy6yfc&feature=fvwrel

I did manage to get caught up on all the US Weekly magazines, so I guess that was a good thing.

BC's troops looked great again- 68 million little Lambies, all making a go for it! My sonogram showed that 2 eggs had already released from my right ovary (I've been having mild cramping since 11am today). Dr. V thinks it is possible another may also release from the left ovary. I hope so!  I feel like there should be upped odds & more targets with all I've been through, needle & hormone wise, in the past month. According to my sonogram last Tuesday, my right side had the largest follicle at 20mm followed by two on the left side at 17.5 and 17. The next two, in size order, were on the right side at 16 & 15.  If my right ovary released 2 eggs today, that means the 20mm babe & one of the smaller ones took off; so it is likely the larger ones on the left might take flight as well.

Now begins the notorious "two week wait," to see if this month's endeavors were successful. If you are reading & following our journey, your prayers & baby dust are appreciated! Truly all we want for Christmas is to know our little one (or ones) are on their way. : )

Injectables Day 3: Follicle Roll Call

Today I had my first day of Injectables appointments, starting with my favorite part- the blood draw (why oh why does this always hurt so much?).  For an extra special touch, I got a migraine immediately following the draw, likely b/c I didn't have much food in me. Hunger + pain proved to be a perfect festering ground.

Later in the afternoon I went for my sonogram with Dr. Vaughn. I was hoping to see 2-3 follicles developing nicely after 3 days of injections. As he moved the wand around, he started calling out follicle sizes (in millimeters). It went something like this:

Right ovary: 4, 6, 7, 7, 7, 8, 9
Left ovary: 4, 6, 7, 7, 8, 8

Ummm.... yeah, so that is THIRTEEN FOLLICLES if you are counting. Can you say Octomom?  Well, technically it would be Trideca-mom (and yes, I did have to look that up). Dr. V didn't seem alarmed at all- I guess in reality it isn't likely all of them will reach the monumental 20mm point, where we want them to be prior to triggering a release. But man- there are a lot of them on the upper end of the scale- jockeying for first place in the Great Release of 2011!

                                       If my ovaries were a chipmunk......


Check in again soon for another post about the CRAZY energy clearing session I had later on this evening. Me and my 13 incubating follicles now need some rest.

Injectables Day 1

The monumental "Day 1 of Injectables!" kicked off with a bang yesterday. Babycakes and I headed out for our traditional Saturday morning breakfast, and then planned to head out on bikes to the East Austin Studio Tour.  Every year we like to find one piece of art from a local artist for our home.

This year was a bit different.

An occupational hazard of my gig in Real Estate is that I often see homes that look like amazing deals, resulting in a bit of house envy. I had seen a screaming deal of a house hit the market, and convinced BC to go look at it with me. Listed for just 99k, I *knew* from my knowledge of the market that with just some simple cosmetics, this house could sell for closer to 115-125 (and upwards from there- with a full overhaul it would sell closer to 175k!). I also knew that the difference between our mortgage payments and potential rents would net us $300-$500/month out of the gates.

So, for E.A.S.T. this year, in lieu of pottery or a painting, we made an offer on an investment property. Holy s***! Because we are dealing with a bank as the seller, it may be several days before we hear back. Fingers and toes are crossed that no other offers come in.... it truly is a great deal. A bit of a financial risk on the front end (goodbye savings!)- but what other investment immediately PAYS you a chunk of money monthly while also appreciating from 5-7%/year?

Also, you know that friend of mine I referenced who was going through her first IVF cycle? PREGNANT!!! I am beyond excited for her and her husband!! I actually have had so many friends and clients getting pregnant lately. Just yesterday another client emailed me that she is expecting- and upon going to their first ultrasound, discovered it is with TWINS! Babies everywhere!

Last night BC and I met friends out for some post E.A.S.T. snacks. As 8pm neared, we had to excuse ourselves ('Sorry everyone! I have to go give myself a fertility injection now. Have a great night!') I was pretty nervous, and re-watched the injectables video on this website to make sure I didn't mess anything up. And you know what? It really wasn't that bad. The needle didn't hurt going in (maybe I can thank the margarita I'd had for that)- it stung a little once in during the 'wait 5 seconds' part, but I think I am going to be able to handle it. And I can tell that stuff is STRONG b/c I was already feeling tugs and pulls and action in my left ovary last night. Those follicles are in for a RIDE this month!

My instinct is that it may take a couple months/rounds of this before we get pregnant, but I am all for keeping the gates wide open!

Like a Prayer

Life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone.
I hear you call my name and it feels like
Home.

When you call my name, it's like a little
Prayer. I'm down on my knees, I wanna take you
there. In the midnight hour, I can feel your
Power. Just like a prayer, you know I'll take you there


(Madonna's "Like a Prayer")


-----------------------


This month I was hopeful. 


I keep a "DPO Symptoms List" that was added to daily.


I spent evenings perusing websites such as this, looking for encouragement. ('I had spotting on CD's 8 and 10 too! Oooo, I also had AF like cramping! This might be it!')


I even looked up what our child's estimated due date would be. July 27th, 2012. A Leo baby, which seemed oh so fitting for how this little one's feisty personality has been described by the clairvoyant folk I've talked to.


I communed with a friend of mine who is going through an IVF cycle and on the exact same cycle, timing wise, as me (shout out to Ms. 32 eggs, 26 of which fertilized, 2 of which were implanted! Here's hoping you get to carry the torch for us this month).


So last night before bed I said a little prayer. "Please give me a sign that our little one is coming. Something. A dream, a message, anything to re-assure me."


And you know what I got? 


Blinding cramps at 12am (in the midnight hour, I could feel it's power), followed by bleeding this morning. How's THAT for a sign?! There's nothing clearer than one's monthly cycle  to send the message "IT AIN'T YOUR MONTH." Noted, Universe. Noted.


Going in for my baseline with Dr. Vaughn this afternoon, where I"ll be whistling away:


Hi ho, Hi ho
It's on to Injectables I go
(whistles)

Hi ho, Hi ho
Hi ho, Hi ho
Hi ho, Hi ho

The Goods

The huge injectables box was delivered yesterday, and inside was a small VIP package (Very Important Pokers). In a cooler with ice-packs, nonetheless. This s*** is serious!

I love how the booklet cover lady is smiling innocently into the sun- as if to say "Infertility is FUN! And SUNNY! And even more beautiful in a couture custom lace top!" You'll also note the red bio-hazard waste container for discarded needles. Like I said, s*** is serious.  The injectables are supposed to stay refrigerated, so I designated our veggie drawer as their new home. Sorry to any future house guests- we won't' have any broccoli or spinach available, but we WILL have plentiful tubes of Gonal-F and Ovidril! Yum.

When I had my baseline exam with Dr. Vaughn yesterday I hadn't yet started my period. Nope, she waited until I had JUST sat down with Babycakes for a date night dinner at Clay Pit. She has tact, that one. And I was soooo glad, in a last minute fashion frenzy, I had opted to wear black, and opted for full undies vs a thong. Hey, it's the little things .

At the time of my exam, Dr. Vaughn expressed concern that we might be cutting timing too close with our New Orleans trip, and that, depending on when AF came, maybe we should take the month off and just have fun in NOLA. And then, bless his heart, he said something along the lines of "you know, if you usually have maybe 1/2 a glass of wine a week, on vacation you might have 3-4 glasses- so maybe it is best to take this month off." Little does he know on vacation I may have 3-4 cocktails per NIGHT. And that in my "regular life" I am a glass of wine/day kinda girl. Sweet Dr. Vaughn- who also calls magazines "booklets." Love him.

I just called into his office to let them know I did indeed start AF yesterday, so we will be here though day 14 of my cycle this round. Even though I am typically a late ovulater (day 21 since the lap) the injectables cycle overrides that, and apparently the trigger shot happens anywhere between days 9-12. So I am leaving this month's fate in the doc's hands- either no needle poking and FULL on in New Orleans, or full speed ahead with injectables. Isn't infertility FUN? And SUNNY? Oh, the excitement of it all!

Psychic Overload

DISCLAIMER: VERY FROU-FROU NEW AGE-Y POST AHEAD

You'll remember my post from the metaphysical fair, where I had my aura photographed? So you know by now how much of a sucker lover I am of the psychic/new age stuff.

My sister-in-law recently was RAVING to me about a woman she'd had a reading with- claiming that this lady was THE REAL DEAL.  So being the nerd I am, I booked an appointment with THE REAL DEAL (TRD).  I guess there is part of me really looking for confirmation on the future from these folks- and I have more and more trust in their ability to 'see' beyond when more than one person 'sees' the same things.

My session with TRD started with her putting down the phone & psychically "coming over to me" to read me (she is in California) and see what my spiritual soul level self wanted to share with her. When she came back, she said I had showed her several beautiful scenes- with gorgeous outdoor areas & architecture. Then she asked "are you young?" I said "not really- about to be 36." She asked if I already had children-- I said no-- then she asked if I WANTED children, to which I said yes! She breathed "oh GOOD!" and continued by saying: "you brought me to a scene where I was among soccer moms with you, and there was an athletic child playing. You were showing me that this was coming."

Tingles.

When I  inquired further about the whole children thing, she said she saw two, and that they were hanging out very close to me. She felt I'd be pregnant within 3 months, having a child within a year (the metaphysical fair lady said something VERY similar with time lines- and a Taro Card reading I'd had in NYC on a whim ALSO indicated a child within a year. OooooooooOOOoooooo).

TRD said she was getting that the first child was a boy (from the soccer field scene), and then she paused and said "Wait- I see in a year a bundle with a PINK blanket being handed to you." So basically, a girl then a boy. She didn't sense the twin thing- though when I emailed her that crazy aura photo she agreed it DID look like 2 embryos. So I figure they *might* jump in together, and otherwise, TRD did say she saw the 2nd coming very soon after the 1st.

Other notable things from the reading:

*She asked at one point if I knew I was psychic? I sheepishly answered I thought so, though I don't "see" or clearly "hear" things- I more "feel" energy and have really strong instincts toward helping/counseling people, etc.  She said that I was "clairsentient"-- which is something I've been told before and do know as truth. She said I was often more fatigued than average people, given this sensitivity to picking up others' energy and emotions (so true! All these months I thought I might have pregnancy fatigue-- nope! Just clairsentience!) I am definitely someone people come to to "unload" and share with, and at times it can really drain me. I am trying to learn how to be better about that so I can be fully present to help and NOT get exhausted.

*TRD said I was a healer as well, and my soul self had told her I came into this life to help shepperd people to their own safety. That I was someone who felt at my BEST when inspired and inspiring others. She said I will come more fully into my psychic gifts at age 41 (take note! Check in with me in 5 years. Maybe I'll predict you're about to call!)

I've got to say, I felt really excited after the session. Inspired and hopeful.

And then later that day we had a visit from our homes' architect, whom we both adore. She too is VERY intuitive, and I knew she was psychic as well, though I didn't know to what extent. While sipping red wine together & telling her about my session, I casually asked if she was getting any "hits" from future children. And then she actively started reporting what she was hearing (so fascinating). She said there was a strong kiddo coming through (likely the girl) who was SO ready to come! And then she said this little one was saying I was blocked.

What?

Really?

BLOCKED?

How how HOW can everything that brought me up in the day's session come crashing down with those little words? I felt so frustrated in that moment. I also had the thought that if there WAS this being out there SO ready to come to us, who was in spirit (so all powerful/all knowing) why wouldn't SHE help me get unblocked? Why is it SO hard to really trust & believe the good (like everything from TRD) and so easy to get knocked down and dwell on the negative? Argh.

In other updates, I head to Dr Vaughn's tomorrow for my "baseline" exam, and have my first injectables pack being overnighted as we speak!  I had thought an October 28th trip we've planned to New Orleans might interfere with our starting injectables this month, but Dr Vaughn feels he can get everything rolling in time. He'll just have to expedite the blowing up of my follicles--we've got about 13-14 days to get those suckers juicy & dually inseminated before sending me off to be extra easy The Big Easy. The little one didn't come in with New York City's trip- so maybe she is more of a New Orleans kind of gal? We'll soon find out!