I had a doozy of a day yesterday.
Admittedly, I woke up frustrated and angry. A last minute canceling of plans the previous day was still stewing with me energetically, and as I made my breakfast, I tried to dissect and release those feelings.
Then I spent the bulk of the day being micro-managed & insulted (unnecessarily, I might add) by an agent I am currently working with. The interactions were so intense that upon an 11am phone conversation with said agent, I got an instant ocular migraine. I just loathe when another person splatters their 'stuff' onto me, and am always disappointed in myself when that 'stuff' seeps in, coloring my entire day with stressful shades of melancholic gray.
I've also been totally out of tune with my cycle this month. When I got my typical signs that ovulation should be 2-3 days out - around cycle days 14-15 - I started taking my OPK tests. They never turned positive. As cd19 and 20 rolled around, I decided to temp in the morning and discovered I had elevated temperatures. Historically this means ovulation has already occurred- but when? I am wondering if perhaps I didn't ovulate at all this month- and if I did, I totally missed the mark. Not entirely surprised my body is a bit out of whack, due to all the hormones, a pregnancy, AND a miscarriage that happened within a 30 day period last month.
I have been having mild heat flashes again in the past week, and had an intense need (don't laugh) to make chocolate chip cookies 2 nights ago. These were some of the suspicious signs from last month, so of course deep inside I remain hopeful for this cycle. Only time will tell, and now that I have no idea where I am in my cycle, I'll have no idea when to expect AF.
2012 is definitely highlighting the lesson that there is a higher plan & power at work, and that I need to continue to work on releasing CONTROL. And release it with abundant amounts of self-compassion & trust. I've started working on cutting out words & pictures for this year's vision board, and find that I am being drawn to words like "release," "flow," "discover," "allow," "inspire," etc. All words pertaining to softening & opening, being more gentle with myself.
So last night before bed, I ran a sea salt bath with the conscious intention of releasing all negative feelings from the day into those waters. I may or may not have also written the agent's name from earlier that day on a piece of paper with a few added choice words and burned it in a nearby candle (hey, I'm only human). As I fell asleep, I deliberately opened my heart space toward the agent, working on feeling forgiveness & release while requesting that I grow & learn from today's events. What else can you do?
And my subconscious gave me a lovely escape in dreamland: I got to hang out in the Kardashians' mansion, eating delicious foods, laughing, feeling tickled that I was allowed there. A perfect, silly contrast to an otherwise crappy day.
Showing posts with label chemical pregnancy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label chemical pregnancy. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Friday, December 30, 2011
Christmas 2011 Recap
Babycakes and I had a fabulous Holiday filled with family, friends, cocktails & way too many sweets (as it should be!) I used this month's fertility events as an excuse to 1) buy myself a marvelous pair of ankle boots (I did officially & inappropriately call them my miscarriage boots) and 2) indulge in adult beverages.
I didn't have my camera with me while we were in Kansas, but was able to snap a few shots with the good 'ole iPhone. Here, our first night in town for our "Siblings Night Out" with all the kids:
The 3 Jules! My sister in law Julie to the left, & Lance's sister Julie to the right
The Jules' men: BC, Ricco, & Chad (BC's brother)
After a fun Christmas Eve Day bowling match with the entire family (where little Brady won the Yule Tide Cup for best bowling score!) we attended my sister-in-law's mother's party. Our 3 nephews Jake, Brady, & Nick adore their uncle Mike (Jules' brother) and wanted to emulate his chef's towel-over-the-shoulder action. Little Nick (who is 2 1/2) at one point came running up to Jules and I with a towel in his hand. Not knowing what to do with it, Jules folded it and handed it back to him. He threw a royal FIT until someone suggested maybe he was wanting it over his shoulder. SUCCESS!
The mini-chefs and their Uncle Mike
Christmas Day we all headed over to BC's childhood home for an amazingly delicious brunch followed by our present exchange. After presents, the ladies retreated to the dining room to learn the card game "Phase 10" (I won!!) while the men snoozed in various corners of the living room. During this time, my cousin Heather sent me this photo from my family's celebration in Houston:
This is my sister-in-law Jeannine & Aunt Sheri making fun of me. They are emulating a yoga pose BC's sister and I often do for photos when together. Not to be outdone, Christie and I turned the camera on ourselves and returned with these:
Yes, we are twinkies. And Christie is definitely WAY more flexible than I am!
Later that night BC's mom got out big bins of old family photos for everyone to look through. BC is the eldest of 7 children, all who grew up in the very home we were at (how cool and special is that?) Here is one of my favs of BC as a little one, with 3 of his eventual 6 siblings:
BC is the oh so adorable one on the left. Such a cute toddler- I hope our little ones inherit some of that delicious-ness!
Our last night in town we stayed at a hotel on the Plaza Square near downtown KC. We had a fantastic dinner together, re-capping our favorite moments of the trip, then met his sister & her partner out for a nightcap. Before heading to the airport the next day, I got my shop on at H&M. I always have to hit that store whenever we travel, and am rooting for one to open in our hometown!
We felt very loved & supported during the entire trip, having chosen to openly share the recent pregnancy & miscarriage events with everyone. I am so grateful to have inherited such a wonderful family, and look forward to sharing these sorts of Holiday festivities with our own future little ones!
I didn't have my camera with me while we were in Kansas, but was able to snap a few shots with the good 'ole iPhone. Here, our first night in town for our "Siblings Night Out" with all the kids:
After a fun Christmas Eve Day bowling match with the entire family (where little Brady won the Yule Tide Cup for best bowling score!) we attended my sister-in-law's mother's party. Our 3 nephews Jake, Brady, & Nick adore their uncle Mike (Jules' brother) and wanted to emulate his chef's towel-over-the-shoulder action. Little Nick (who is 2 1/2) at one point came running up to Jules and I with a towel in his hand. Not knowing what to do with it, Jules folded it and handed it back to him. He threw a royal FIT until someone suggested maybe he was wanting it over his shoulder. SUCCESS!
Christmas Day we all headed over to BC's childhood home for an amazingly delicious brunch followed by our present exchange. After presents, the ladies retreated to the dining room to learn the card game "Phase 10" (I won!!) while the men snoozed in various corners of the living room. During this time, my cousin Heather sent me this photo from my family's celebration in Houston:
Later that night BC's mom got out big bins of old family photos for everyone to look through. BC is the eldest of 7 children, all who grew up in the very home we were at (how cool and special is that?) Here is one of my favs of BC as a little one, with 3 of his eventual 6 siblings:
Our last night in town we stayed at a hotel on the Plaza Square near downtown KC. We had a fantastic dinner together, re-capping our favorite moments of the trip, then met his sister & her partner out for a nightcap. Before heading to the airport the next day, I got my shop on at H&M. I always have to hit that store whenever we travel, and am rooting for one to open in our hometown!
We felt very loved & supported during the entire trip, having chosen to openly share the recent pregnancy & miscarriage events with everyone. I am so grateful to have inherited such a wonderful family, and look forward to sharing these sorts of Holiday festivities with our own future little ones!
Friday, December 23, 2011
Doctor's Orders
At my cycle day 3 sonogram yesterday, Dr. Vaughn declared, and I quote, that my left ovary "was not behaving very nicely." Basically meaning there was a nice 'ole cyst on it (I think there might have been two?) I think all that follicle action last month left some deflated casualties. Apparently ovarian cysts can emit progesterone, lowering one's chance for pregnancy that month. Couple that with the fact that my HCG came in at 8 (where we wanted it 5 or below), and Dr. V strongly advised us to wait a cycle before doing injectables again.
Boo. I felt as deflated as those old follicles.
But also a teeny weeny smidgen relieved, in that my arms will get a month off from blood draws, my body from hormones, and I don't have to do any fancy appointment finagling in Kansas.
I did have Cristy check in psychically with the little ones, and what she "heard" was that the "sister-friend" little one was the one who had started coming in, but because the main little one who is meant to be first (even as a twin) wasn't there too, the sister-friend retreated this round. And they are very, very ready. They know without a doubt that we are very, very ready. Cristy actually cheered me up post Dr. V, saying she was getting that this totally could happen naturally. When they're ready, they're ready, she said. Now my challenge is to truly BELIEVE that. I will definitely keep the prayers going!
And off to Kansas we go......
Boo. I felt as deflated as those old follicles.
But also a teeny weeny smidgen relieved, in that my arms will get a month off from blood draws, my body from hormones, and I don't have to do any fancy appointment finagling in Kansas.
I did have Cristy check in psychically with the little ones, and what she "heard" was that the "sister-friend" little one was the one who had started coming in, but because the main little one who is meant to be first (even as a twin) wasn't there too, the sister-friend retreated this round. And they are very, very ready. They know without a doubt that we are very, very ready. Cristy actually cheered me up post Dr. V, saying she was getting that this totally could happen naturally. When they're ready, they're ready, she said. Now my challenge is to truly BELIEVE that. I will definitely keep the prayers going!
And off to Kansas we go......
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Moving Forward
I am sitting at one of my happy places here in Austin- the Driskill Hotel- having a lovely breakfast at their Cafe 1886. Christmas music is streaming through the speakers as sunlight filters in to illuminate the holiday travelers starting their days. I am indulging in a cappuccino (one shot only!), and luxuriating in the moment.
I feel peace. I feel healing. I feel so ready to move on to this next cycle.
I have always been someone who is able to move on pretty quickly in life. I am a forward thinking planner & dreamer, seldom looking over my shoulder at what is behind me. Seldom having regrets. This wasn't always so hot for my ex-boyfriends when they found themselves quickly replaced, but this trait is boding well for me in the fertility world.
I am so proud of myself for genuinely mourning this loss, feeling that pain, letting that grief and vulnerability bubble up and release. It was cleansing, healing, freeing. I have moved from a shallow feeling of HOPE, always wondering, to a strongly rooted BELIEF this can really happen. This DID happen. This WILL happen again. I know it with every ounce of my body.
I've also healed the sorrow & envy that would trickle in every time I heard someone was pregnant. Now, instead of feeling that these women had something I didn't, I KNOW I can have that too. My body can create life.
Last month, in addition to feeling very zen in my TWW, I decided to energetically replace the term "TRYING" (to get pregnant), to "ALLOWING." "Trying" feels tight and restricted and fearful, whereas "allowing" is lighter, open, receptive. Those are the qualities that are more apt to bring a little one in.
I was told yesterday by my nurse that I'd had a chemical pregnancy this cycle, which is pretty much a fancy term for a very early miscarriage. This morning my body began its release in full force. I am grateful it is happening on its own so quickly; however, the timing of it is creating some challenging logistics for this next cycle. I feel 100% resolute that I want to move forward with another injectables cycle. In lieu of discouraging me, this month's events have renewed my faith & genuinely energized me. Momentum has built and it would be extremely difficult to take a month off.
Did I mention we leave Friday for 5 days in Kansas with BC's family? Timing wise injectables cycles are started on CD 3, which is Thursday, and that would put me at 6 full days of being unmonitored, which my doctor will not allow.
Thus I spent the morning chatting with my sister-in-law to get a doctor recommendation in Kansas, and was able to find a clinic that can see me on the 26th for monitoring (at 7:30 in the morning. Of course). If my insurance will support this, we'll be a go for full steam ahead. I'll be packing up the Gonal-F pen for a whirlwind vacation with the in-laws.
I've also decided that in the next couple of weeks I am going to:
*Eat lots of sushi
*Eat my steaks medium rare
*Eat soft cheeses
*Indulge in (limited) glasses of red wine
*Take lots of pilates classes
All with the anticipation of (hopefully) having to give these items up again soon. Babycakes will also be happy to hear that for now I can resume taking care of the cat litter. I plan to continue with weekly acupuncture, re-visit D for another energy cleansing, and also check in with Cristy to hear what the little ones were up to with this month's events.
The Quest continues! May 2012 bring Baby Lambert home.
I feel peace. I feel healing. I feel so ready to move on to this next cycle.
I have always been someone who is able to move on pretty quickly in life. I am a forward thinking planner & dreamer, seldom looking over my shoulder at what is behind me. Seldom having regrets. This wasn't always so hot for my ex-boyfriends when they found themselves quickly replaced, but this trait is boding well for me in the fertility world.
I am so proud of myself for genuinely mourning this loss, feeling that pain, letting that grief and vulnerability bubble up and release. It was cleansing, healing, freeing. I have moved from a shallow feeling of HOPE, always wondering, to a strongly rooted BELIEF this can really happen. This DID happen. This WILL happen again. I know it with every ounce of my body.
I've also healed the sorrow & envy that would trickle in every time I heard someone was pregnant. Now, instead of feeling that these women had something I didn't, I KNOW I can have that too. My body can create life.
Last month, in addition to feeling very zen in my TWW, I decided to energetically replace the term "TRYING" (to get pregnant), to "ALLOWING." "Trying" feels tight and restricted and fearful, whereas "allowing" is lighter, open, receptive. Those are the qualities that are more apt to bring a little one in.
I was told yesterday by my nurse that I'd had a chemical pregnancy this cycle, which is pretty much a fancy term for a very early miscarriage. This morning my body began its release in full force. I am grateful it is happening on its own so quickly; however, the timing of it is creating some challenging logistics for this next cycle. I feel 100% resolute that I want to move forward with another injectables cycle. In lieu of discouraging me, this month's events have renewed my faith & genuinely energized me. Momentum has built and it would be extremely difficult to take a month off.
Did I mention we leave Friday for 5 days in Kansas with BC's family? Timing wise injectables cycles are started on CD 3, which is Thursday, and that would put me at 6 full days of being unmonitored, which my doctor will not allow.
Thus I spent the morning chatting with my sister-in-law to get a doctor recommendation in Kansas, and was able to find a clinic that can see me on the 26th for monitoring (at 7:30 in the morning. Of course). If my insurance will support this, we'll be a go for full steam ahead. I'll be packing up the Gonal-F pen for a whirlwind vacation with the in-laws.
I've also decided that in the next couple of weeks I am going to:
*Eat lots of sushi
*Eat my steaks medium rare
*Eat soft cheeses
*Indulge in (limited) glasses of red wine
*Take lots of pilates classes
All with the anticipation of (hopefully) having to give these items up again soon. Babycakes will also be happy to hear that for now I can resume taking care of the cat litter. I plan to continue with weekly acupuncture, re-visit D for another energy cleansing, and also check in with Cristy to hear what the little ones were up to with this month's events.
The Quest continues! May 2012 bring Baby Lambert home.
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