March Photo Challenge Day #2

Today's photo challenge subject: Feet

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

Lao-tzu, The Way of Lao-tzu

This picture was taken yesterday while waiting for my acupuncturist. I thought the groovy mod green walls went nicely with my freshly painted toenails. : )

Acupuncture itself amazes me. I've been going pretty consistently for the past 2 years, and since last November have been frequenting a clinic that specializes in fertility. My intent with yesterday's visit was to get some of this insane heat cleared from my body! The acupuncturist began by checking my pulse, and announced that it was "superficial."

What?

I'd never heard of that, and before I got all offended ('who you calling superficial, lady?!') decided to ask what that meant. To simplify, I found this explanation on the Internet:

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The Floating, Superficial Pulse (Fu Mai)

Floating Pulse (浮脈 Fu Mai, superficial)

Key point: superficial

Indications: exterior condition: defensive yang mobilizes externally bringing with it the qi and blood, resulting in the floating pulse.

Yin deficiency: yin cannot anchor yang. Yang is “up” and yin is “down”. The floating pulse therefore may be described as the pulse that lacks “down” (also known as “root”).

Explanation: “floating” means the pulse is more evident when pressing lightly and as you press with more conviction, the pulse is no longer felt. Floating thus is a deficiency of root, or “down” sensation. Down is yin, up is yang. A lack of down suggests a deficiency of yin. Get it? That’s the internal reason, there’s an external reason too.

Ultimately, the floating pulse could be described as an internal deficiency (of yin) or external excess (of yang fighting off pathogenic factors).

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One of the most interesting results of this superficial pulse was that I felt every.single.needle.prick. Usually I hardly feel the tiny needles go in, with the rare exception of a spot needing extra attention. However, the superficial "yang" chi apparently hangs out right at the surface of my skin, making it extra sensitive. So my acupuncturist worked to balance this with the more rooted "yin" energy.

Ironic that what I was lacking was the chi of being rooted, because that is exactly how I've been feeling lately. A little confused and lost as to where to turn now in our TTC journey. And, while my body heat was drastically reduced (no heat flashes last night! I actually woke up COLD a few times)- I didn't have any deep rooted epiphanies about what my next steps will be, and still woke up with a 98.3 temp. 

Baby steps, feet. Baby steps.

March Photo Challenge

Belle over at the lovely Scrambled Eggs Blog has proposed a March photo challenge. I've decided to play along- figuring it is a great way to have a distraction from all this TTC craziness, and also a creative way to encourage me to blog more often.

Today's subject: Self Portrait

This one is pretty accurate for how I've been feeling & posting lately. It was taken with BC's iPad photo app- I was having a great time experimenting with the different settings & effects.

In my own TTC world, I've decided to try something new and revolutionary: listening to MYSELF. Taking my own intuition on treatments & timing as priority over the opinions of friends, family, acupuncturists, psychics, doctors, etc. And you know what I decided this month? I am NOT ready to have another laparoscopic surgery. At least not yet. My thought process went something like this:

*If I do the surgery now, I"ll be out of work for 2 weeks, and be compromised physically on my Wimberley trip with BC
*If I do the surgery, it guarantees I will have to have a c-section when babies come
*If I do the surgery now, we won't be able to TTC for at least 2 months, and that completely rules out any chance of Baby Lambert coming home in 2012
*Miracles do happen- *maybe* we will get a surprise natural BFP!
*I'd rather keep the window of opportunity open this month, vs slamming it shut with surgery

And here's where life steps in and has her way with me. It seems to me that once one is on the Fertility Roller-Coaster, it is extremely hard to get off. Remember that month after our 1st injectables cycle & miscarriage, when I thought either I missed ovulation completely or not ovulated at all? It seems like this is happening again.

A huge part of my decision not to do surgery this month was to keep our TTC window open (I admit I have a slight hang up about bringing a baby home in 2012, and that window is getting closer and closer to disappearing). It appears that again, my body is onto us- essentially flipping off me and my plans. I don't blame it for being confused- we pumped it so full of hormones last month that its natural mojo was completely overrun. This month, my temps are remaining high - post ovulation type high (98.1-98.2 waking)- yet ovulation has not occurred. I'm still having heat flashes, likely from my body trying to make sense of my hormonal hangover. I am on CD 13, and given the high temps, fully believe my eggs are getting BAKED and because of this will likely not release. I've been doing daily OPKs with no sign of a surge. So maybe this month wasn't such a bad time to have surgery after all. *Sigh*

Now the question becomes: do I let my body naturally get back into equilibrium (and let's face it- our TTC naturally didn't lead to much success), or do I hold on tight to the ART coaster & keep upping the anty- the hormones & surgeries & interventions- until we succeed in medically making a baby?

All I can do is take things one day at a time, one decision at a time. For now, I'm hoping my cysts are calming down & deflating, and that if my body is indeed taking a month off, it will be gearing up for bigger and brighter things in the months to come.

One Cyst, Two Cysts, Red Face, Blue Fists

Man oh man am I getting tired of sad days.

I actually did have a "sunnier" day yesterday- figuratively AND literally (the joys of living in Austin!). BC and I had late afternoon queso and margaritas at one of my happy places- Guero's. I was giving myself the weekend to be off my much stricter "no drinking/no caffeine" regime, and Guero's fit the bill perfectly.

It looks like I may have awhile to stay and play on the "now I can drink again" regime.

I saw Dr. Vaughn today with the full intention of wanting to start another injectables cycle tonight (the 3rd time is ALWAYS a charm, right?). My ovaries, however, had a different idea. Not only did I have a big 'ole cyst on my right ovary (the one that worked oh so hard last month- but gave me nada)- but the left side decided to follow suit and also produce her own cyst. Awesome. Two cysts = definitely no injectables for me this cycle. There will be no November baby coming this year, that much is certain.

Unfortunately April's cycle is likely out for us as well, given BC just booked a much needed work trip to Mexico (which of course looks to fall JUST when I'd be fertile. No December babies for us either).

So now what? Possibly another laparoscopic surgery. Like soon. I am having Dr V's office look into the costs to go ahead and get Franny out- figuring if we are out for the count for one, maybe two months anyway, it might not be a bad idea to get this surgery over with. It would be a requirement before being able to consider IVF, so having it done will open up those doors to us. This is also the surgery that will guarantee any future Baby Lamberts will have to be born via cesarean section. Although obviously not ideal, I am OK with that. The only part I genuinely don't like about that option is the whole choosing your baby's birthdate- seems to take some of the magic out of it.

We are renting out our house for Austin's SXSW festival from March 9-20th, and will be staying in a small B&B cottage in Wimberley on 35 acres (with the cats! If they only knew what was coming). Timing wise, this might just be the perfect environment to rest & recover, celebrating Franny's eviction from my body. My plan would be to schedule surgery the week before we left for the cottage, so I'd be in my own bed for the worst of the recovery, and hopefully be somewhat mobile once we got to Wimberley.

This fertility stuff is EXHAUSTING. Maybe it isn't such a bad idea to have a couple months off, though the thought of having to wait months before trying again really bums me out. I am not the most patient person, so 2 months of waiting feels like FOREVER. This is where that "trust" stuff comes in. To persevere, I have to trust that there is a greater plan; that all of these efforts are part of the story we'll someday tell our children. It's so, so hard.

Hoping someday I'll be a yellow fish too

Sunnier Days

I've felt so manic depressive the last few days- mimicking the title of a previous post "On/Off, Hot/Cold, Hi/Lo".

Thursday: Negative pregnancy test = sobbing/blue. It was a sad, sad day. I am continually grateful that I have the ability to 'sleep things off'- meaning that almost always after a blue day, I can trust the next day will be sunnier.

Friday: In an effort to make sure today was sunnier, I declared it a "me day." I didn't have any set work appointments in the morning, so I treated myself to breakfast at a coffee shop, a massage, & some online shopping (I have never been an emotional eater, but emotional shopping? Yes please!).

Friday night was our House Hunters premiere party at Haddingtons- such a BLAST! It was surreal to watch myself on National television. I didn't think my voice sounded at all like it really does, and of course I scrutinized every single camera angle they shot. Overall? Adorable episode! My clients were so cute, and it felt amazing to be in the presence of about 25-30 friends/clients watching together.

 It tickled my heart to know my girlfriends in Wisconsin were having a viewing party, and made me giggle to hear my grandmother had made my aunt call her (sadly deceased) brothers' church, to make sure all the patrons knew Chuck's great-niece would be on TV (I am sure all the church patrons were rushing to their televisions! Ha.) I was so genuinely honored and humbled by the excitement of friends, family, & clients toward the show.

Scenes from the viewing party. 

We had folks cheer for the house they thought my clients would choose- 

and we fooled almost everyone! 

Saturday (this morning): I did NOT sleep well last night. Since I haven't been having any caffeine lately, the Red Bull I treated myself to around 5pm yesterday had me tossing and turning for hours. I started my day with a migraine AND period cramps. Babycakes woke me with kisses, saying that I needed to check my Facebook page because many people were posting sweet things about the show there. I felt elated & excited- still soaring on the high from the night before.

Then BC said he had something else to share with me. He had just seen my cousin announce on FB that she was pregnant, and wanted to tell me before I scrolled through & discovered it myself. Ironically she is due right around when I would have been had we not miscarried in December.

Immediately starting to sob, I felt angry (at no one in particular) about BC's timing in telling me (I had JUST put on mascara! I wanted to luxuriate in the afterglow of the night!) I felt so unstable going in seconds from House Hunters joy to deep grief about this month's failed pregnancy endeavors. I choked out things along the lines of "why does everyone but ME get pregnant? It's so unfair! I will never be pregnant." I was a hot mess- flushing from the niacin I'd taken for the migraine, flushing more from my sobs, all the while feeling the cramps that cruelly announce "HERE COMES YOUR PERIOD- NOT A PREGNANCY!"

I can no longer predict what pregnancy news is going to knock me down, though it seems lately that almost all news (most especially family news) ends up magnifying the fact that we still aren't pregnant, which ultimately leaves me feeling lacking, blue. I was so grateful this afternoon to speak with another cousin of mine, who was able to fill my heart with laughter, love, & hope- even through my sorrow. I love how life brings you exactly what you need when you need it the most.

And I'll just have to trust that tomorrow, again, will be a sunnier one.

The F Post

F the Gonal-F boobs 

F the psychics who all made it sound like a baby would come by years' end next year

F my left ovary for under performing this month

F Diminishing Marginal Returns
F Susan Miller's February forecast which really had me hopeful

F not having cocktails and caffeinated beverages 

F the nightly sweat fests

F all the $$$ spent on acupuncture to "maximize conception"

F Franny & her menacing ways

F not going to Pilates

F all the vitamins I take daily

F my faulty intuition which was giving me a big "YES" to conception this month (though admittedly when I checked in yesterday, I heard a faint "not yet" with the yes. Dammit)

F the daily shots & blood draws that didn't result in anything

F my seeming inability to conceive

F this morning's home pregnancy test which was glaringly negative
F the fertility clinic that still wants me to do bloodwork tomorrow to confirm what I already know

Looks like I'm out this month (at 13dpo a test should show positive). And my overall feeling, obviously, is anger (which always cloaks sorrow- the tears finally started to fall as I wrote this). I am having serious doubts about my own intuition, spirituality, & fertility. 

The thoughts that are soothing me:

*Making reservations for a 5 course wine paired dinner at Wink with BC next week (this was something I'd said I wanted to do all month if we got sad news. Indulge in my favorite food/wine experience).

*Our House Hunters premiere party tomorrow night at Haddington's (I had been hesitant last week about setting this up, knowing how tender this time was, but am SO glad we did- b/c it will be a lovely distraction. And now I can partake in my favorite cocktail- the Corpse Reviver #2)

*Taking myself out to breakfast this morning, where I intend to have a fully caffeinated cappuccino

This sucks. 

On/Off, Hot/Cold,"Hi, Lo!"

Babycakes and I had a sweet, low-key Valentine's Day. I put on my birthday Princess dress and we headed downtown for a delicious steak dinner at III Forks. They had a red carpet laid out for arrivals & a live jazz band to set the mood. They even had a photographer taking free photos of couples! Perfect. We took the time to share what we appreciate most about each other, and both agree we feel lucky every.single.day to have found one another.

Monday my mild hot flashes began. Starting Monday night they were no longer "mild" hot flashes- I'd call them full out sweat fests. The past two nights I have been waking up several times soaking wet - as if I've just run a marathon (and if sweating like that does burn a similar amount of calories, I"m all in!). I'll mop off my neck, kick off the covers, breathe deep, and within minutes be chilly again. On and off, on and off, hot and cold, hot and cold. 

At acupuncture yesterday I asked if they could do points to clear some of that heat? Nope. Apparently they will not do that during this time of my cycle (I was 11dpo) in case I am pregnant. Your body needs that heat to keep cooking the baby.  I sure hope that's what my body is up to!

I also had my first dream last night with a little girl that was clearly our daughter. I knew this because I called her by name (we know what our first daughters' name will be- let's just say it's Lo for "Little One"). Lo was about 1 1/2, 2 years old with brown curly hair. There was a woman with us whom I was asking about my hot flashes- and she indicated those were definitely a sign of pregnancy. I said to Lo "Say Hi, Lo, to the lady." She took out her pacifier and said "Hi, Lo!" It was pretty cute. There was also an odd unspoken understanding that Lo would have a nose piercing at some point in her life (there's got to be something funky in a dream. And if that's true, not until you are at least 18, Lo!)

Such is the stuff of life. Ying/Yang, On/Off, Hot/Cold.... hopefully leading to the ultimate balance that will have us officially saying "Hi, Lo!" to our new child.

Nest Much?

Babycakes caught my allergies.

Which obviously means I was mistaken and (luckily) still have not succumbed to Austin's notorious allergies. Rather, it seems I've been suffering from a full fledge, nasty cold. And as I inch bit by bit closer to recovery, BC is sadly just starting the ride- complete with endless sneezes, congestion, & body aches. I feel awful for inflicting this on him- we've been so careful this week about not kissing/etc, but I suppose when you share such tight space with someone contagion is inevitable.

My ability to breathe for the first time in 5 days had me buzzing about with renewed energy. Couple this with the guilt I felt about getting BC sick, and I decided that today I was going to cook chicken soup from scratch! Homemade stock and all! I would heal us from the inside out and eradicate those unwanted germs.

And you should know, Dear Readers, that I am not very adept in the kitchen. So this was a huge undertaking.

To illustrate this point, I bring you a sampling of items googled during the duration of my cooking adventure (which began with research at 10am and finished with soup at 6:30pm):

*Chicken soup with vegetables recipe
*Best chicken soup from scratch
*How to make chicken stock
*Do you leave the gizzards inside the chicken when cooking stock?
*Do people eat chicken gizzards? (apparently they do- eww)
*How to make matzo balls
*What are leeks?
*How to cut and clean a leek
*How to store matzo balls
*What are parsnips?
*What do you do with the chicken after making the stock?
*How do I know when an onion has gone bad?
*How to use a cheesecloth
*Can you wash a cheesecloth?
*How to clean a cheesecloth
*Are colds more common in early pregnancy? (yes yes- not cooking related, but a good snapshot into my ridiculous psyche these days).

I think I did pretty well for my first foray into homemade chicken soup. It did take a long time to prep & make (the stock itself took about 4-5 hours total), but overall it really wasn't that difficult (thank goodness for google and my sister-in-law Julie, who coached me through some of the steps by phone!) I'd give the finished product a solid 7.5/10.

I was also proud of myself for ad-libbing a bit, which isn't my usual style. This manifested in additions of mushrooms, spinach, & matzo balls. I knew from the beginning I didn't want to use pasta, so the matzo balls were a nice compliment in texture and flavor (and I always joke you can't take the "JU" out of "Ju-lene." I've had an interest in and love of Judaism that began in college with a series of Jewish boyfriends- I figured if I married a cute Jewish boy there would be no fighting over whose family we spent Christmas with!)

While the soup cooked away, I started a load of laundry and broke out my new Swiffer Sweeper, finally addressing our dust bunny infestation. I uploaded a new listing to my website, played multiple rounds of "Words With Friends," cleaned out and organized our bathroom drawers, & clipped the cats' nails. I was non-stop!

And I wasn't the only one in nest mode.

Despite his diminishing health, BC completed the first phase of our garden-to-be today! Behold the beauty:

He xeriscaped & tiered that entire side of our yard & hand built the garden boxes. Come spring (which in Austin is only weeks away!), we look forward to actually starting to grow some of our own vegetables. An added bonus? It was lightly snowing in Austin today! Super magical (and unusual), and made the day even more delicious.

It felt so good to be nurturing our home & ourselves today. We were in full nest mode, and are very much hoping to have some little buddies soon to share these kinds of cozy, domestic days with.