Rope Burn

"Ladies & Gentlemen, I present to you the official Lambert Tug-of-War Challenge!

On team Team #1 we have Optimism & Hope!

And on Team #2: Repression & Fear.

It's anyone's game on a day to day, minute by minute basis."

I was reminded again the other night how much I have deeply repressed my desires for children. The emotions will sneak up on me when I least expect them. In this case, it was while watching the movie "The Lovely Bones," which is about the murder of a young girl, and how her family deals with the loss. My emotional wells started going into overtime, and I had this deep, visceral, mournful reminder of how badly I DO want children. It emanated from the depths of my soul, bringing with it vivid flashes of the life I thought I'd have by this age.

It was about 4-6 months into our journey of trying to conceive when I starting repressing this desire, and the repression has formed such a hard callous that no one would ever realize how raw the flesh is beneath. Team Repression & Fear was thus created, and they are definitely a force to be reckoned with. It is a protective mechanism- I don't know how many times I've said to folks something along the lines of "at this age (35) I am so used to NOT having children and having that lifestyle, that if it isn't meant to happen, it will definitely be a different path, but a FUN one with trips & shopping & happy hours!" And part of me has to believe that I will be ok with that outcome.

But then team Optimism & Hope starts tugging at the rope, and my callous rips open again, letting those deep tides of emotion come pouring out. "Now your endometriosis is cleared!" it will say, as I optimistically move right into an immediate IUI that same month. "The first 6 months after laparoscopic surgery are the most fertile!" it will coo, as I proceed into the 2nd month post surgery with clomid and an IUI.

Then the blinding cramps & bleeding begin, and Repression & Fear give a huge HEAVE-HO to the rope. Again I am burned, not sure which way I will be tugged next.

The silver lining this month is that now I'll be free to fully play when we head on vacation to New York City (Repression & Fear's FUN life "with trips & shopping & happy hours!"). Optimism & Hope will see me bringing along the ovulation predictor kits, taking my vitamins, putting Babycakes on his own vitamin regime, & chanting the mantra "it often happens to people while on vacation!"

It's anyone's game-- but I am definitely rooting for Optimism & Hope to prevail.

August Updates

No, I'm not pregnant- but.... drum roll....

MY TEVAS ARE HOME!!!! Absolutely still a mystery where they went on their 2nd adventure, but who cares? They have apparently forgiven me for abandoning them, and to reward them, I'll be taking them on a whirlwind trip to New York City.

I also had to commemorate their homecoming with a photo shoot, mostly out of guilt that I couldn't find any good photos of them when they went missing:

"You abandon us again, and we WILL cut you!"



Tevas, Come Home!

I am holding a vigil for my beloved Teva sandals.

These weren't just any Tevas-- the traditional Teva design is one that has never worked for my flat, wide feet, as they are designed for those with high arches, always making my my feet cramp. MY Teva sandals were one of a kind. They found me about 5 years ago at the Whole Earth store, and were more of a flip-flop design- though in lieu of the flip-flop strap, they had a toe loop, which was how I found love at first try-on. I've never been able to wear flip-flops, so these fabulous Tevas were an exception on every front.

My Tevas and I had an awesome life together. We went hiking and to yoga classes. Hit all the fabulous stores in town. Toured Europe, basked on beaches, and relaxed at lovely spas. They were indestructable, always up for an adventure, and oh so loved.

But now my Tevas are gone, and admittedly, it is partly my fault. They came with me to my weekly Pilates class, and as usual, waited patiently on the wooden shoe shelves for me to finish strengthening my core. However, on this fated Wednesday, I'd brought another pair of dress shoes to change into after class, and (gasp!) left my Tevas at the studio.

Realizing my error the following morning, I called the studio, to be told my Tevas were indeed there hanging out in the same place I'd left them (so loyal!). I went by the next day (Friday) to get them, and was greeted by a perplexed Pilates teacher. "They were here yesterday- I SAW them- but I have no idea where they've gone!"

Then the case cracked open a bit- another studio member called in, and had apparently, in her post-workout-mind-fog-bliss, worn MY Tevas out instead of her own sandals (who DOES that?). My Tevas took a trip to Whole Foods on foreign feet before being promtly returned to the studio. This woman allegedly handed said Tevas back to the front desk girl, who then put them in Lost & Found. That is the last time my Tevas were heard from, and they are now officially missing again without a trace.

Tevas, where are you? Who could have mistaken you for their own? I can only speculate that someone saw your beautiful blue & purple blended straps & was powerless to resist you. I feel very angry that someone would take you like that, and sincerely hope that you are being treated well. I hope this someone's feet don't sweat & smell, and that you aren't being chewed on by this person's pets.

They literally don't create Tevas like you anymore (don't hate me b/c I looked!), and there is definitely a hole in my heart and an insatiable itch on my feet. Please come home, Tevas. I love you.

My tevas and I in happier days. This was the only picture of them I could find, and speaks to the genuine joy we shared.