Saturday, June 27, 2015

"Happy Rainbow Day" and This Week's Updates

What a week it's been!

Here's a recap in photos.

BC returned from a week long trip abroad and was greeted by two over-the-moon girls (the little one pictured below):

We celebrated Father's Day with dinner out downtown:

Iyla and BC got back to their Papa/daughter morning routine of bike rides & breakfast:

We played a LOT with our Tinkerbell fairies:

Had swim lessons:

Got a new backpack for dance class:

Demanded that hair be put in "buns!" for dance class (a true diva ballerina!):

Continued to be the one kiddo in class marching to her own tune:

I WILL do what I want! BUNS!

Had a lovely date night with BC at the delicious LaV:

Took this kid out to breakfast at Sawyer & Co:

Ha- can't get close enough to the old time TV

Practiced our fish faces in anticipation of visiting the Austin Aquarium:

Saw many, many fish and birds and reptiles at the Aquarium:

And celebrated an amazingly monumental day yesterday with the announcement that same-sex marriage is now legal nationwide! Iyla declared it "Rainbow Day" and was calling out "Happy Rainbow Day!" to all who would listen. : )

I wish I could finish this week recap with good news about our FET, but alas, I cannot. I took my first home test on Father's Day, thinking it would be a fantastic surprise for BC… and got negative tests all the way until my blood test confirmed what I already knew: this cycle was a complete bust. 

I was pretty wrecked about it, and the whole experience has made me want to retreat into an even more private place regarding our quest for another child. I know friends and family mean well when they tell me things like "it will happen when you relax! When you stop trying to control things and just trust!" but damn if that doesn't just make me feel ANGRY and isolated. Can I just tell you how many months I HAVE relaxed, gone on vacation, let things 'just be' and NOT gotten pregnant? It's really hard for anyone to understand what this quest feels like, save other women who are also in the infertility trenches. Those are the women I've been leaning on heavily throughout this process, feeling much gratitude to have such an awesome support group.

I hit rock bottom Thursday during a consult with my Austin fertility doc, where 'donor egg IVF' was mentioned to me no less than 4 times, and with each mention the tears would come fresh again. NOT very comforting. So not going there.

Next week I have an appointment for a 2nd opinion at the highly esteemed Houston IVF, where my dear friend had her most recent successful IVF cycle (pregnant with twins & has an additional 3 frozen embryos! This from a lady in her early 40's who had 2 unsuccessful cycles at other clinics prior to this one).

I don't know that I can afford another IVF cycle. I am going to take the next couple of months to regroup, take lots of vitamins, get as healthy as possible, and from there look again at finances & calendars toward a possible "go" date in the early fall for a 2nd round. I am not ready to throw in the towel and accept having an only child yet. I know I may have to get there at some point, but right now, my heart still wants and needs to fight for another baby.

How can I look at this face and NOT want another?

In the meanwhile, I've distracted myself with a new car purchase. My electronic baby is due in about a week, and I am SO excited! I've been driving my 2005 Toyota Highlander for 10 years now and been super happy with it, but it was well time for an upgrade. This new baby (a 2015 Toyota Highlander Limited) has 2nd row captains chairs, 3rd row pop up seats, and a sunroof. A SUNROOF! It's like Christmas times a billion. And a much needed 'something special' to look forward to.

Behold my new baby:

And the quest continues…..

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

And Then There Was One….

The roller-coaster of IVF continues.

When I arrived to my transfer yesterday, I was informed that one of my two frozen embryos didn't survive the thaw, so we'd have only one to transfer.


I was devastated. And all alone with the matter-of-fact nurse.

I fought with my emotions as my instinct was to break down and cry, but I'd read so many articles showing that LAUGHTER post transfer actually increased the odds of pregnancy success, so I tried my best to hold my s*** together. I mourned the fact that twins would no longer be a possibility (a crazy thought I know, but still one that was fun to consider), and that our overall odds had likely just decreased.

So now it comes down to our one lone survivor. Of the 17 eggs retrieved, of the 9 that fertilized, of the 2 that made it to freeze, we have ONE little fighter. It was my day 7 blastocyst that had completely hatched… the one that swooped in last minute on day 7 to fill my heart with hope and joy in the midst of an overall crazy IVF process.

Keep fighting little one… please, please, PLEASE keep fighting!

Sunday, June 14, 2015

Frozen Embryo Transfer

Tomorrow I will have my first ever frozen embryo transfer (FET).

I had my lining check Tuesday, blood work Wednesday, and thankfully all looked great toward moving forward with the transfer.

We are going to transfer both of the embryos we have, which gives us roughly a 30% chance of pregnancy (per my doctor). I am aware that this also means there is a 70% chance this won't work….but my doctor reassured me that even healthy fertile couples only have a 10% chance monthly of conceiving, so 30% is actually pretty good. I'll take it!

In addition to all of the hormone prep (2x/day estrogen, now 2x/day Crinone) I've been pulling in all of my frou-frou community to sparkle up the baby energy. One promising omen: two of the clairvoyant ladies I talk to on occasion each said- no joke- upon first seeing me: 'are you pregnant?' The energy is definitely there. The desire is DEFINITELY there. So come on little one(s), we are so ready for you!

One interesting catch? BC leaves today for a week long business trip to The Netherlands and will be gone when the transfer actually happens. With the miracle of modern medicine our next child might be conceived while he is literally a world away. Go figure!

Our family also has a strange pattern that when one life ends, another often comes into being. We lost my dear, sweet grandmother (Nani) on Friday. It was a huge loss for our family, and very interesting timing with the FET. I'm hoping Nani & the little spirit coming to us are communing now, celebrating the life that was and the life that will be. That image comforts me greatly, and I am praying even more that things take tomorrow to bring some much needed JOY to our family.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers in the upcoming weeks… we are SO hoping it!

Iyla and Nani's first meeting- love at first sight! 
We love you so much Nani- your presence here will be greatly missed, but always felt and celebrated.

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Tiny Dancer

Oh my goodness.

Iyla had her first ever dance class this morning, and it was absolutely adorable and hilarious.

Firstly, as we were about to leave, she suddenly remarked "oh! I need my purse!" and proceeded to grab her little purple Sophia purse and sling it over her shoulder. Who was this child?!

My parents were in town and got to come along to watch:

When class time came, the teacher ushered all the little girls into the studio. The parents sat outside the room and watched the class via TV screen. There were 10 little girls in the 2-3 year old range and only ONE TEACHER.  Just as soon as that poor teacher would start an activity, some little one would run toward the door having to go potty (the teacher would open the door and call out to the parent) or the group would just start running astray.

Iyla's independent personality definitely came out, as she was frequently seen off to the side all by herself while the rest of the class participated! Hilarious.

Yep, that's my kid off to the left marching to her own drum. She was also the only little girl in blue, which she very specifically picked out!

Iyla pretty much spent the entire tap dancing segment doing her own thing, but come ballet time she did jump in for a few group activities:

One of the rare times the non participant WASN'T my child

After the group circle, Iyla and another little girl kept holding hands the! They cruised around circling the group hand in hand:

Iyla reported that she did have a lot of fun in class. I'm hoping that maybe next time she'll listen to the teacher a little bit….

So proud of my tiny dancer!