Saturday, June 27, 2015

"Happy Rainbow Day" and This Week's Updates

What a week it's been!

Here's a recap in photos.

BC returned from a week long trip abroad and was greeted by two over-the-moon girls (the little one pictured below):

We celebrated Father's Day with dinner out downtown:

Iyla and BC got back to their Papa/daughter morning routine of bike rides & breakfast:

We played a LOT with our Tinkerbell fairies:

Had swim lessons:

Got a new backpack for dance class:

Demanded that hair be put in "buns!" for dance class (a true diva ballerina!):

Continued to be the one kiddo in class marching to her own tune:

I WILL do what I want! BUNS!

Had a lovely date night with BC at the delicious LaV:

Took this kid out to breakfast at Sawyer & Co:

Ha- can't get close enough to the old time TV

Practiced our fish faces in anticipation of visiting the Austin Aquarium:

Saw many, many fish and birds and reptiles at the Aquarium:

And celebrated an amazingly monumental day yesterday with the announcement that same-sex marriage is now legal nationwide! Iyla declared it "Rainbow Day" and was calling out "Happy Rainbow Day!" to all who would listen. : )

I wish I could finish this week recap with good news about our FET, but alas, I cannot. I took my first home test on Father's Day, thinking it would be a fantastic surprise for BC… and got negative tests all the way until my blood test confirmed what I already knew: this cycle was a complete bust. 

I was pretty wrecked about it, and the whole experience has made me want to retreat into an even more private place regarding our quest for another child. I know friends and family mean well when they tell me things like "it will happen when you relax! When you stop trying to control things and just trust!" but damn if that doesn't just make me feel ANGRY and isolated. Can I just tell you how many months I HAVE relaxed, gone on vacation, let things 'just be' and NOT gotten pregnant? It's really hard for anyone to understand what this quest feels like, save other women who are also in the infertility trenches. Those are the women I've been leaning on heavily throughout this process, feeling much gratitude to have such an awesome support group.

I hit rock bottom Thursday during a consult with my Austin fertility doc, where 'donor egg IVF' was mentioned to me no less than 4 times, and with each mention the tears would come fresh again. NOT very comforting. So not going there.

Next week I have an appointment for a 2nd opinion at the highly esteemed Houston IVF, where my dear friend had her most recent successful IVF cycle (pregnant with twins & has an additional 3 frozen embryos! This from a lady in her early 40's who had 2 unsuccessful cycles at other clinics prior to this one).

I don't know that I can afford another IVF cycle. I am going to take the next couple of months to regroup, take lots of vitamins, get as healthy as possible, and from there look again at finances & calendars toward a possible "go" date in the early fall for a 2nd round. I am not ready to throw in the towel and accept having an only child yet. I know I may have to get there at some point, but right now, my heart still wants and needs to fight for another baby.

How can I look at this face and NOT want another?

In the meanwhile, I've distracted myself with a new car purchase. My electronic baby is due in about a week, and I am SO excited! I've been driving my 2005 Toyota Highlander for 10 years now and been super happy with it, but it was well time for an upgrade. This new baby (a 2015 Toyota Highlander Limited) has 2nd row captains chairs, 3rd row pop up seats, and a sunroof. A SUNROOF! It's like Christmas times a billion. And a much needed 'something special' to look forward to.

Behold my new baby:

And the quest continues…..

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