Friday, December 30, 2011

Christmas 2011 Recap

Babycakes and I had a fabulous Holiday filled with family, friends, cocktails & way too many sweets (as it should be!) I used this month's fertility events as an excuse to 1) buy myself a marvelous pair of ankle boots (I did officially & inappropriately call them my miscarriage boots) and 2) indulge in adult beverages.

I didn't have my camera with me while we were in Kansas, but was able to snap a few shots with the good 'ole iPhone. Here, our first night in town for our "Siblings Night Out" with all the kids:

  The 3 Jules! My sister in law Julie to the left, & Lance's sister Julie to the right

                          The Jules' men: BC, Ricco, & Chad (BC's brother)

After a fun Christmas Eve Day bowling match with the entire family (where little Brady won the Yule Tide Cup for best bowling score!) we attended my sister-in-law's mother's party. Our 3 nephews Jake, Brady, & Nick adore their uncle Mike (Jules' brother) and wanted to emulate his chef's towel-over-the-shoulder action. Little Nick (who is 2 1/2) at one point came running up to Jules and I with a towel in his hand. Not knowing what to do with it, Jules folded it and handed it back to him. He threw a royal FIT until someone suggested maybe he was wanting it over his shoulder. SUCCESS!

                                      The mini-chefs and their Uncle Mike

Christmas Day we all headed over to BC's childhood home for an amazingly delicious brunch followed by our present exchange. After presents, the ladies retreated to the dining room to learn the card game "Phase 10" (I won!!) while the men snoozed in various corners of the living room. During this time, my cousin Heather sent me this photo from my family's celebration in Houston:

This is my sister-in-law Jeannine & Aunt Sheri making fun of me. They are emulating a yoga pose BC's sister and I often do for photos when together. Not to be outdone, Christie and I turned the camera on ourselves and returned with these:

        Yes, we are twinkies. And Christie is definitely WAY more flexible than I am!

Later that night BC's mom got out big bins of old family photos for everyone to look through. BC is the eldest of 7 children, all who grew up in the very home we were at (how cool and special is that?) Here is one of my favs of BC as a little one, with 3 of his eventual 6 siblings:

BC is the oh so adorable one on the left. Such a cute toddler- I hope our little ones inherit some of that delicious-ness!

Our last night in town we stayed at a hotel on the Plaza Square near downtown KC. We had a fantastic dinner together, re-capping our favorite moments of the trip, then met his sister & her partner out for a nightcap. Before heading to the airport the next day, I got my shop on at H&M. I always have to hit that store whenever we travel, and am rooting for one to open in our hometown!

We felt very loved & supported during the entire trip, having chosen to openly share the recent pregnancy & miscarriage events with everyone. I am so grateful to have inherited such a wonderful family, and look forward to sharing these sorts of Holiday festivities with our own future little ones!

Friday, December 23, 2011

Doctor's Orders

At my cycle day 3 sonogram yesterday, Dr. Vaughn declared, and I quote, that my left ovary "was not behaving very nicely." Basically meaning there was a nice 'ole cyst on it (I think there might have been two?) I think all that follicle action last month left some deflated casualties. Apparently ovarian cysts can emit progesterone, lowering one's chance for pregnancy that month. Couple that with the fact that my HCG came in at 8 (where we wanted it 5 or below), and Dr. V strongly advised us to wait a cycle before doing injectables again.

Boo. I felt as deflated as those old follicles.

But also a teeny weeny smidgen relieved, in that my arms will get a month off from blood draws, my body from hormones, and I don't have to do any fancy appointment finagling in Kansas.

I did have Cristy check in psychically with the little ones, and what she "heard" was that the "sister-friend" little one was the one who had started coming in, but because the main little one who is meant to be first (even as a twin) wasn't there too, the sister-friend retreated this round. And they are very, very ready. They know without a doubt that we are very, very ready. Cristy actually cheered me up post Dr. V, saying she was getting that this totally could happen naturally. When they're ready, they're ready, she said. Now my challenge is to truly BELIEVE that.  I will definitely keep the prayers going!

And off to Kansas we go......

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Poked and Prodded

We leave for Kansas tomorrow, so I have a jam packed day today filled with needed appointments before leaving town. The itinerary:
8:30am: Blood Draw

My arms are beginning to look like bruised battle fields- this being the 4th draw I've had in a week. So happy that my new fav nurse was there, but sadly "my vein moved" as she was poking, so oh what fun that was! Needing CD 3 draw for insurance along with my HCG. Dr. Vaughn won't let me do injectables this cycle unless that HCG is at least 5 or below. This crazy bleeding/cramping/clotting I've had for 3 days now should hopefully be indication that levels have gone down.

9: Mystic Tan (ok, maybe this wasn't a "needed appointment," but I do know that I won't be allowed to do this once officially pregnant, so I figured I'd get in one last fake glow before the Holiday season).

9:30-10:45: Work/breakfast at local coffee shop

11-12: Acupuncture Poking

12-1: Work/lunch 

1:30-2:30: Therapy Prodding (this week's events should make for an excitement packed session!)

3:15: Appointment with Dr. Vaughn to poke and prod my lady parts and *hopefully* be given the OK to start my Gonal-F tonight

4pm: Checking in to see if Cristy might be available to psychically prod the little ones about this cycle

6-9: Movie date night with BC at our favorite Alamo Theatre

Then we pack up for our morning departure to Kansas. I am so excited to see all of BC's family- including 5 of his 6 siblings (no joke) who will be making the journey home! Tomorrow night we have our "siblings dinner" out, where just 'the kids' head out on the town. Then it is full speed ahead to celebrate Christmas at BC's childhood house with home cooked meals, lots of laughter, and many rounds of dominos. Yee-ha!

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Moving Forward

I am sitting at one of my happy places here in Austin- the Driskill Hotel- having a lovely breakfast at their Cafe 1886. Christmas music is streaming through the speakers as sunlight filters in to illuminate the holiday travelers starting their days. I am indulging in a cappuccino (one shot only!), and luxuriating in the moment.

I feel peace. I feel healing. I feel so ready to move on to this next cycle.

I have always been someone who is able to move on pretty quickly in life. I am a forward thinking planner & dreamer, seldom looking over my shoulder at what is behind me. Seldom having regrets. This wasn't always so hot for my ex-boyfriends when they found themselves quickly replaced, but this trait is boding well for me in the fertility world.

I am so proud of myself for genuinely mourning this loss, feeling that pain, letting that grief and vulnerability bubble up and release. It was cleansing, healing, freeing. I have moved from a shallow feeling of HOPE, always wondering, to a strongly rooted BELIEF this can really happen. This DID happen. This WILL happen again. I know it with every ounce of my body.

I've also healed the sorrow & envy that would trickle in every time I heard someone was pregnant. Now, instead of feeling that these women had something I didn't, I KNOW I can have that too. My body can create life.

Last month, in addition to feeling very zen in my TWW,  I decided to energetically replace the term "TRYING" (to get pregnant), to "ALLOWING." "Trying" feels tight and restricted and fearful, whereas "allowing" is lighter, open, receptive. Those are the qualities that are more apt to bring a little one in.

I was told yesterday by my nurse that I'd had a chemical pregnancy this cycle, which is pretty much a fancy term for a very early miscarriage. This morning my body began its release in full force. I am grateful it is happening on its own so quickly; however, the timing of it is creating some challenging logistics for this next cycle. I feel 100% resolute that I want to move forward with another injectables cycle. In lieu of discouraging me, this month's events have renewed my faith & genuinely energized me. Momentum has built and it would be extremely difficult to take a month off.

Did I mention we leave Friday for 5 days in Kansas with BC's family? Timing wise injectables cycles are started on CD 3, which is Thursday, and that would put me at 6 full days of being unmonitored, which my doctor will not allow.

Thus I spent the morning chatting with my sister-in-law to get a doctor recommendation in Kansas, and was able to find a clinic that can see me on the 26th for monitoring (at 7:30 in the morning. Of course). If my insurance will support this, we'll be a go for full steam ahead. I'll be packing up the Gonal-F pen for a whirlwind vacation with the in-laws.

I've also decided that in the next couple of weeks I am going to:

*Eat lots of sushi
*Eat my steaks medium rare
*Eat soft cheeses
*Indulge in (limited) glasses of red wine
*Take lots of pilates classes

All with the anticipation of (hopefully) having to give these items up again soon. Babycakes will also be happy to hear that for now I can resume taking care of the cat litter. I plan to continue with weekly acupuncture, re-visit D for another energy cleansing, and also check in with Cristy to hear what the little ones were up to with this month's events.

The Quest continues! May 2012 bring Baby Lambert home.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Playing the Odds

In each Injectables cycle, there is a 25% chance of achieving pregnancy.

I've often thought about the moment when I'd get my first positive pregnancy test (BFP). I imagined lots of happy tears, Babycakes picking me up in a huge bear hug and dancing me around.

It was sort of like that.

The morning I was to get my blood test (14 days past ovulation- or "DPO"), I took a home pregnancy test, mostly so I could see the negative result and try to get out of giving blood. Imagine my surprise when I saw this:

                                Extremely light, but definitely there!! Kind of hard to see in this picture.

I had read enough to know there was no such thing as a false positive, no matter how light it was! I was literally shaking as I put on my makeup in record speed. I had never in my life been so excited to go give blood. I yelled out a quick "I think I saw something REALLY promising!" to BC as I ran out the door.

I went back to Snake Eyes' clinic, and she was no where to be seen! The lady who drew me was AMAZING and it hardly hurt at all. This was to be a good day! Babycakes was already calling me to find out what had happened that morning, and we both anxiously awaited the results call from the fertility clinic.

I went through my day in a numb, excited blur. I could hardly believe this might be IT! I flashed back to some of the suspicious signs I'd been having the last few days- the constant mild heat flashes, extreme constipation (sorry again-TMI!), bloody noses, and yes, even the insanely sore boobs. I went around the house all day with my phone glued to my side, not taking any other calls for fear the fertility clinic might call while I was on the line.

My friend who also works with this clinic told me I should be able to call in for blood test results myself anytime after 1:30. So with my heart racing, around 3pm I dialed in. And was transferred to MY nurse (oh promising!) whose voice intonation sounded good.

"Jules, how are you?"


"Well, you are definitely definitely pregnant."

Cue me silently mouthing Holy S***!!!!!! For the first time in my life, and after 2 1/2 years of trying, I was finally pregnant. Holy holy s***.

"Your HCG is at 28, which is a tad low. We want you to do another test in 2 days to see what your numbers look like then."

A tad low? What? I had just witnessed my friend go through a pretty rough experience (the one who got pregnant on her IVF cycle). She very sadly ended up with an ectopic pregnancy. She too had a low HCG number initially- but her number had been even higher than mine.

Looking for reassurance, I asked the nurse if she saw women with my kinds of numbers go on to have healthy pregnancies. She replied "I've seen it go both ways. I just want to prepare you." She explained that we wanted to see the HCG number at least double on my next test, showing there was growth occurring.

So there I was. The buoyant joy I felt earlier in the day took on a very guarded, heavy tone. Yes, I was pregnant. But my numbers weren't good. Of course I googled everything I could find on the subject, and it seemed like most women's first HCG counts were in the 100's. My nurse said they prefer to see them "at least 50" on an initial draw. And thus began a torturous waiting game.

When BC got home from work I told him the news that we were indeed pregnant, and he was SO excited! He did pick me up and swing me around (ouch- boobs!) and kissed me with so much sweet passion. It hurt my heart a bit seeing how genuinely overjoyed he was, knowing we were treading on some delicate ground.

We elected to tell a select few people about our news. It was a strange way to share, having to instantly insert the caveat "but our numbers are low so please send prayers and good energy our way." We decided to tell my parents, since we wanted them on board with the prayer chain, and they were OVER.THE.MOON. Saying this was the best Christmas news they could have hoped to receive!

The next morning (15 DPO) I took another home pregnancy test, and my line was darker than the day before! Super promising- as I knew that these tests measured HCG levels, so there must have been growth there! I spent the day talking and singing to that little Baby Bean, telling him/her that we absolutely wanted them to STAY and GROW! I barely slept that night with all the praying I was doing. I allowed myself to go through the day really believing this could happen. I dusted off the "What to Expect When You're Expecting Book" I'd hidden years before. I imagined the moment we'd get to tell BC's family at Christmas that another baby was on its way! His sisters' little one would have a cousin right around the same age!

Over the age of 35, it is believed that there is a 20% chance of miscarriage
 in the first 4 weeks of pregnancy.

On the morning of my next blood draw (16 DPO), I did 2 more home pregnancy tests to *hopefully* see that positive line getting even darker. It was hard to deny that on one test the line was lighter than yesterday, on another it was hardly there. My heart sank. More frantic googling ensued, and I found reassurance from ladies who noted that those tests can be extremely affected by how much water you've drank, the time of day you test, etc. I had to hold on to hope. Many ladies seemed to have had this happen and went on to have healthy pregnancies.

After the blood draw I had a Psychic Development class from 11-5 with a girlfriend of mine. During a break I saw that the fertility clinic had left a voicemail, and I thought my heart might beat out of my chest. I decided to wait until I got home to listen to the message with BC, b/c I knew if it was bad news there was NO way I could get through the rest of the class.

Because the nature of the class was training us to better hear our intuition, angels, guides, etc, I was "in the zone." And when I checked in with myself, asking if this pregnancy would continue, I immediately heard in my head "I'll be back" (and no, not in an Arnold Schwarzenegger voice).

My ego did NOT want to hear this! So I replied back with the thought "we want you to STAY with us! Please stay!" And then I heard "yes mama." Again, my ego wanted to believe this was the little one saying that YES he/she would stay, and that the whole "I'll be back" I heard initially was a fluke. I needed to believe that there was some free will involved, even with this little one.

After class I raced home and summoned BC to come listen to the voicemail with me. Very anticlimactic, since the nurse had left a message to page her for the news. More torturous waiting!

BC and I headed out to dinner and I again kept my phone glued to my side. It rang just as BC's wine & my water had arrived. I immediately did not like the intonation of this nurse, and for good reason. She said my blood test showed my HCG had actually gone down to 25, when what we were looking for was for it to at least double. Not good news at all. They wanted me to do one more blood test on CD 18 to confirm what they suspected, that this was not a viable pregnancy. I thought that was a pretty mean thing to layer onto the news- "oh, and we want you to give blood AGAIN just so we can tell you AGAIN this ain't gonna work. "

I had many questions.

Had she ever seen anyone with these results go on to have an HCG rise and a healthy pregnancy? 

Once. In her 19 years. She wanted us to prepare ourselves.

When would my body release the pregnancy (miscarry?)

The HCG has to get back down to zero, which can take anywhere from a week to a month.

Will my body resolve this on its own?

Maybe. If not there is a shot they can give to induce the release, otherwise surgery may be needed.

I then waved the waitress over and told her to bring me a glass of whatever wine BC was drinking. I flashed back to the little one saying "yes mama" to my wanting her to stay, and wondered if she had meant "yes mama, I do know that you want me to stay."

We were in public, and had to have our game faces on. We were so, so sad. And I was so, so mad that we had even shared this news with anyone. Because now we had to share the updated news, in essence re-living it over and over with each person we'd told. Lesson learned there, and now I totally get why people wait for that 12 week marker. It's a tough call, as we are pretty open, but man, it sucks to have to report to the troops that "oops, sorry. Just kidding about that whole baby coming on August 24th thing. Hope you didn't get your hopes up."

In the midst of our sadness, we tried to focus on the positive that would come out of this. We now knew we could get pregnant. We were grateful, if this was NOT to be a viable pregnancy, that it ended as early as it possibly could, and not many weeks further along. We were grateful to have been pregnant at all through the injectables, vs. having gotten a negative result. If my body now recognized how to do this, surely it could do it again. My tubes must work! Our 'stuff' works! And on the spiritual level, we now know without a shadow of a doubt that someone is coming. That I am no longer blocked. This little one was ready to come but for some reason the genetics weren't quite right this round.

It is also interesting to me how each of us needs to mourn and cope in different ways. For BC, it was meeting out guy friends for drinks, where he could just talk politics and lose himself in not thinking about the last few days for awhile. For me it was calling a girlfriend up and bawling my eyes out. Then calling my mom and bawling my eyes out. Then holding my kitties and bawling my eyes out. And upon BC returning home, holding him and bawling my eyes out once more.

Less than 5 percent of women have two consecutive miscarriages, and only 1 percent have three or more consecutive miscarriages. Miscarriage is usually a one-time occurrence. Most women who miscarry go on to have a healthy pregnancy.

Today? I do feel a sense of peace. I do feel so hopeful that if we did this once, we can do it again. Of course I am still super sad, but I am so hopeful that we WILL get pregnant again.

It is pretty brutal to have to wait for my body to let this go, and I am to stay on my progesterone until tomorrow's blood draw results, which are mostly to confirm what we already know is happening. My boobs are hurting less and less. The constipation has let up. It's amazing how quickly my body recognizes & adjusts to a pregnancy, only to immediately recognize the pregnancy isn't continuing.

I pray that my body does release soon (before we leave for Christmas), as apparently it comes as a really painful period with intense cramping & clotting. I suspect with that will come another big wave of grief. We'll see what Dr. Vaughn advises when I hopefully see him this week and get more information.

For now,  I am just so anxious to get back in the game and start trying again.


********Note: the politics of blogging this whole TTC stuff is complicated. Please note that you, dear blog readers, are in a special category of being pretty immediate witnesses to our journey. That being said, for those friends/family who read along, know that in "the real world" we would be notifying you of any positive news past the 12 week mark, so please don't feel saddened or offended that you did not get immediate calls with the last few days' roller coaster.  We appreciate your continued love, understanding, & support! *************

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Zen and the Art of TTC Maintenance

The old familiar AF type cramps started this evening. I am supposed to do a blood test tomorrow to see if we got pregnant this month, but b/c I loathe blood tests so much part of me really wants to just ditch it and 'wait and see.' You know, like how regular fertile people do it? Where you wait until you've missed a period and do a non-invasive pee test to confirm everything?

I've been very zen this cycle. I haven't obsessed over what DPO I am, and have not taken any pregnancy tests. I think part of me has wanted to prolong the "what IF?" as long as possible. Let myself dwell in the possibility- the positivity- of maybe being pregnant. But these cramps are definitely suspect, and make me even grumpier about tomorrow's scheduled blood test.

And also? I totally want to cut my boobs off. They are SO sore it is absolutely ridiculous. To the point where I can't even hug BC without wincing.  Sadly I cannot count this as a possible pregnancy symptom, b/c this pain started before I even ovulated-- full on Gonal-F boobs.

I had a dream a couple of nights ago where I was caring for a newborn baby (it wasn't clear if the baby was mine or not, but I was definitely in charge of its' care). The baby communicated to me that it wanted red beans. I was confused and told the baby it should really want milk. When I awoke, I was obsessed with the idea that maybe I was supposed to eat red beans? (I have been - sorry TMI- awfully constipated lately). So when I arrived at my local coffee shop for a breakfast date, I promptly ordered beans as my side dish. Upon their arrival I took a HUGE bite and totally burnt the s*** out of my mouth.

I feel like the Universe is really having a field day with me lately. It seems like every time I try to find meaning & hope in the TTC world, I get burned. There is a Real Estate adage pertaining to folks who are hesitant to work with someone who in the past has led them astray. It goes: "Have you ever burnt your mouth on an piece of pizza?" (cue most folks nodding yes). "Well, will you ever eat pizza again?"

That's how I feel. No matter how many times I get burned, I will continue to look for hope in the little things. Like dreams. And psychic predictions. And drawing out the TWW for as long as humanly possible. It's how I pick myself up month after month and persevere in the face of such difficult adversity. And I do learn from every experience. This month's lesson?  Cool my beans and continue to remain as zen as possible about the whole TTC experience.

Can I have an "Om?!"

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

West African Peanut Soup

About 3 years ago Babycakes took on a soup making hobby, and we have both benefited greatly from his delicious endeavors.  I made this incredible West African Peanut Soup last night (from BC's soup archives), and wanted to share the love. It's the perfect thing to warm you up from the inside out on these gray winter days!

West African Peanut Soup

  • 3 tablespoons peanut oil
  • 1 medium yellow onion, chopped
  • 1 large carrot, peeled and diced
  • 1 red bell pepper, seeded and chopped
  • 4 medium sweet potatoes, scrubbed, peeled and chopped
  • 1 28-ounce can crushed tomatoes
  • 4 garlic cloves, minced
  • 2 tablespoons peeled, grated ginger root
  • 4 cups vegetable stock
  • 12 ounces crunchy organic peanut butter
  • 2 limes, juiced
  • 2 tablespoons cayenne pepper
  • 2 tablespoons curry powder
  • 2 tablespoons coriander
  • 1 tablespoon cumin
  • 1 tablespoon crushed red pepper flakes
  • 1 teaspoon cinnamon
  • 1 teaspoon ground cloves
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • crushed peanuts
     1).  Warm the oil in a large stock pot over medium-high heat.

     2).  Sauté the onion (with a pinch of salt) 10 - 15 minutes, until onions begin to brown.

     3).   Mix in the garlic, ginger, cumin, coriander, cinnamon and cloves.  Sauté another 1 - 3 minutes, ensuring the onions are well coated with spice.

     4).  Mix in the sweet potatoesbell pepper and carrot.  Stir for another 5 - 7 minutes (or until the sweet potatoes begin to stick to the bottom of the pot).

     5).  Pour vegetable stock into the pot and season with cayenne, curry powder, red pepper flakes and salt.  Bring to a boil, then reduce heat and let simmer for 30 minutes (or until the sweet potatoes are tender).

     6).  Add crushed tomatoes and peanut butter.

     7).  Puree with a hand blender producing a smooth texture.

     8).  Stir in fresh lime juice, then season to taste.

     9).  Serve garnished with chopped peanuts.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Things you may not know about me....

I was recently tagged by a fellow blogger to share 7 things people may not know about me. Thanks so much to Belle at Scrambled Eggs for the TMI award!

The rules go like this:

  • Thank the person who passed the award on to you. 
  • List 7 things that people may not know about you.
  • Pass the award to 15 other bloggers and don’t forget to notify them as well. (I definitely don't have 15 other bloggers to pass to- I'm a newbie- but will tag who I can!) 
Here's my list:

1. I can cut off my entire pinkie toenail and not feel any pain. I think it is because I have freakishly wide feet, and those pinkies are like extra appendages stuck on as an afterthought. I would cut off my entire pinkie toe if I could, b/c it would open up a whole new world of cute slender heels and ballet dancing. *Sigh*

2. I am a Crazy Cat Lady. I always had cats growing up, and had 3 of my own in my adult life (actually had gotten a 4th kitten, but he sadly got FIV and passed early). My ex and I had 5 cats together, and I would have had 5 with Babycakes, but when we moved in together he decided to find new homes for his 2, lest we become a Crazy Cat Couple (a label I am totally comfortable with). I really really want one of Miss Priss' kittens, but BC mumbled something along the lines of 'over his dead body,' and hey, I need that body to make the babies. So there it is.

Mr. Otis, Zoey Dulcinea Lady Bird Johnson Lu Adams-Lambert (RIP), & Sam Johnson

3. I was raised in a somewhat unusual religion called Christian Science. People always mix it up with Scientology- which it is most definitely NOT. Most Christian Science families do not take medicine or go to doctors but rely on prayer for healings. I directly credit my upbringing in CS for much of my spiritual foundation, and also for the fact that I am now a total hypochondriac. I seriously love talking about medicine & injuries & surgeries. I take Advil for cramps and get antibiotics for fevers. Hey, I'm even using modern meds to try to make a baby! I fell off the Christian Science wagon the summer before my senior year of high school. I was away at CS summer camp and contracted a nasty flu bug. Lying there in agony, folks around me prayed to God for my healing. I prayed for drugs.

4. I am completely obsessed with the St. Nicholas Square Christmas Village. I first witnessed this magical sight at my mother-in-law's home 2 years ago and was smitten. For my birthday last year she sent me a few pieces to start my own village with. The JOY! Akin to what I felt when I got my first Cabbage Patch Kid in 4th grade. Total geek. I may or may not have picked up 5 new village buildings yesterday. It's becoming a problem.

                               Behold: the magic of the Christmas Village!

5.  I have what stylists call "Virgin Hair." Not a speck of hair dye/color in it. Both times I tried highlights I cried (one exception: in 8th grade I bleached my hair with sun-in and it turned orange. I thought I looked cool). I also have a groovy gray streak forming at my left temple. I figure I'll keep it there until it ravages and takes over the Virgin Hair- at that point, it may be time for a divine intervention.

                                               Sun-in + lasers = magic

6.  I have a freakish talent with the trumpet. I picked it up in 5th grade and quickly became first chair throughout middle and high school, without EVER practicing. I felt like a nerd the whole time- which is why I quit band in 12th grade to take Painting & Human Growth and Development classes (you know, where you get to carry around Cabbage Patch babies? Hmmm... maybe that is why I didn't score any college scholarships.....)

7.  Jobs I've held out of college (b/c there is SO much you can do with a Psych degree!) have included full time Nanny (one of my favs), 5th grade teacher, and now full time Realtor. Jobs I might still like to explore when I grow up: Relationship & Family Counseling and/or Photography.

8. My favorite number is 8. Yes, I know the rules said to list 7 things- but I figured this one was appropriate. 8 is infinity. It is my birthday number (Scorpio!). It is also the numerology of our current and previous home addresses, and represents prosperity. What's not to love?

And here are the folks I'd like to tag, all with excellent blogs definitely worth checking out!

Abby at Learning 2 Remember
Julie at Just Jules Everyday
Jen at Maybe If You Just Relax (one of the first infertility blogs I stalked)
Babycakes at Lambasted
Sara at Feeding the Soil
Beverly at A Baby? Maybe
Angie at Love is Spoken Here
Pufferfish at Puffer and the Baby Fishies
Belle at Scrambled Eggs (not sure tag-backs are allowed, but I'm struggling here!)

Monday, December 5, 2011

Even Miss Priss is Pregnant

                          Sometimes it feels like the whole world is pregnant.

I had another breakdown last night. One where I felt fully and completely like an overemotional a**hole.

Babycakes's sister had left him a voicemail on Thanksgiving, "just checking in" and wishing us a Happy Thanksgiving. Super sweet!

Then last night BC and I were watching a movie. I left for maybe 5 minutes to run downstairs, and when I returned, I had a voicemail from his sister, "just checking in." He had apparently also just gotten a voicemail from her. Super sweet! Super suspect.

I just knew.

I told BC he had to be the one to call her back, because I didn't think I"d be composed enough to receive the news. I was already crying with the anticipation. Sure enough, she is pregnant. 12 weeks along. They weren't trying, but weren't preventing. BC was amazing on the phone as I silently sobbed nearby.

It was at this sisters' wedding 2 1/2 years ago that we first didn't 'prevent.' I remember it vividly- having that flash of magical excitement, thinking we were on the road to starting our family.

I feel like I am at an insanely heightened emotional place right now (Gonal-F hormone override anyone?!). This marks two Sundays in a row we've gotten pregnancy news that knocked me down. I felt like such a jerk crying last night. I feel like a jerk being nervous for the Holidays with BC's family, when everyone will be fawning over his sister's pregnancy. Where our not being pregnant yet will be the big fat Elephant in the Room. And yes, of COURSE my rational self is thrilled for my sister-in-law! Definitely time for a new gang of little ones in the family, and she and her husband are going to make the most amazing parents. But that rational self still couldn't corral the tears and the persistent question of "when will it be our time?"

This morning as BC was leaving for work, he peeked his head back inside and told me to come look at Miss Priss (our moniker for the neighbor's feisty kitten who likes to hang out in our yard). Sure enough her belly was suspiciously distended and swollen, teats protruding. Totally pregnant.

I bet she wasn't trying either.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Injectables IUI #2

I had my 2nd IUI this afternoon. The lab was running way behind, so I got treated to over an hour waiting in the doctors' office, undressed from the waist down. Couldn't help but think of this song while lying there:

I did manage to get caught up on all the US Weekly magazines, so I guess that was a good thing.

BC's troops looked great again- 68 million little Lambies, all making a go for it! My sonogram showed that 2 eggs had already released from my right ovary (I've been having mild cramping since 11am today). Dr. V thinks it is possible another may also release from the left ovary. I hope so!  I feel like there should be upped odds & more targets with all I've been through, needle & hormone wise, in the past month. According to my sonogram last Tuesday, my right side had the largest follicle at 20mm followed by two on the left side at 17.5 and 17. The next two, in size order, were on the right side at 16 & 15.  If my right ovary released 2 eggs today, that means the 20mm babe & one of the smaller ones took off; so it is likely the larger ones on the left might take flight as well.

Now begins the notorious "two week wait," to see if this month's endeavors were successful. If you are reading & following our journey, your prayers & baby dust are appreciated! Truly all we want for Christmas is to know our little one (or ones) are on their way. : )