Mama's ME Day

For the last week, I've been feeling worn down. Tired, moody, hormonal- just... off. Throwing fertility treatments and appointments into the mix of an already full work/life/Mama/wife regime has definitely tipped things out of balance, and I was starting to feel like a shadow of myself.

Historically I know that whenever I start feeling this way, it means I am in deep need of some self nurturing.

On weekends BC helps out with Iyla from her wake up through her nap so I can work, get house chores done, run errands etc. Every other weekend he takes a full day for himself to recharge- golfing with good friends then heading out for dinner and drinks with them.

Last weekend was a golf weekend, so heading into this weekend I made the request for a full ME Day- something I don't do very often. It then came to me that if I got a full ME day plus BC taking the wake-until-nap shift the following day, I could maybe get away. As in- go somewhere OVERNIGHT.

Just the thought made me giddy.

After checking with BC (who was completely supportive) I did some quick research and booked one of the last trail side rooms available at Travaasa Resort just outside of Austin. This resort is nestled into a wildlife preserve and features a gorgeous spa and its own farm that provides farm to table meals. And? A daily "activity" menu with things like meditation and yoga:

Yes, PLEASE.

This morning- on the cusp of my highly anticipated ME Day- I awoke to pouring rain and flashing migraine lights.

Um, Universe? This is NOT how I had planned to start the day.

I was not to be deterred, and happily it appears that this was to be the worst of it.

To start with, I never got the pain that accompanies my migraines over 50% of the time. Thankfully the Niacin and migraine meds I took were effective,  and I was again ready to take the day by storm (pun intended).

Better.

I then packed my bags, gave lots of kisses to BC and Iyla, and headed off to a local coffee shop for breakfast. Over the last couple of months I've cut out caffeine in an effort to improve overall health and fertility- but knowing that caffeine can help with migraines, went ahead and got a lovely (one shot) cappuccino with my eggs:

Naughty delicious

Better.

I then headed to my doctor's office for a follicle release check. I'd had IUI's the previous two days, and as usual, at yesterday's IUI I hadn't ovulated yet. This is my 4th injectables cycle, and the very first one was the ONLY one where more than one egg released- and the ONLY one where we got pregnant (unfortunately ending quickly in a Chemical Pregnancy). Heading into this cycle, I was pretty adamant with Dr. Vaughn that I wanted to do whatever we could to hopefully have more than one follicle mature and (fingers crossed) release.

So at this morning's appointment the on-call doctor took a look and declared that she no longer saw any of my top 3 follicles, likely meaning that ALL THREE HAD RELEASED.

Cue me to:

ELATED AND EXCITED! Increased odds! Go baby go!

REALISTIC/FROU: If this kid isn't ready to join the family yet, even THREE tempting egg opportunities won't bring him/her here.

TERRIFIED: Dear God, what if more than one actually take?

Overall I left the appointment with my heart singing and hopeful, and proceeded to drive to my own personal Resort paradise.

I began the day at the spa with a massage by a French therapist. As he was stretching my legs and remarking how incredibly flexible I was, I noted that this was quite amazing given I hadn't been working out or doing much yoga lately. To which he replied in his thick accent:

"Zee study show zat zee tight glute eh pas ideal- flat, flaccid glute eh better pour zee ip eh knee."

Pardonnez moi, Monsieur? Did you just call my butt flat and flaccid?

Alas, he was on to me. It's true: flat and flaccid glutes have moi.

But I digress.

I spent much of the rainy afternoon at the spa, partaking in the hot tubs & steam room. I then checked into my gorgeous little nature-perched room, unpacked, and headed out for a muddy hike. I suddenly felt so much gratitude for the rain I'd cursed that morning, as there was not another soul on the trail and the temperatures were gloriously in the lower 60's (as compared to the 90's of the previous week).

I proceeded to wash up and walk to dinner. On my way, I noticed two ladies staring at me intently.

Was it my flat flaccid glutes?

Then one of the ladies called out "Jules?" and lo and behold, it was the woman who had married BC and I over 6 years ago! She was here celebrating her mom's 60th birthday. What amazing small world serendipity!

Bring it on, Universe.

And now I bring you my first ME Day in photos:

Home sweet home for the night

The view from my private patio

Equally as rejuvenating? The photos BC texted me of his day with Iyla. Cue my heart melting:

BEST.

And now my cup runneth over.

Another Dream

Last night a baby girl who was clearly our daughter appeared in my dream. She looked exactly how I'd pictured her-  chubby with a full head of thick hair (of course she looked like I'd pictured, right? It was MY subconscious dreaming her up). There was also something to do with the date July 11th, which I took note of. This is the very first time I've dreamt of babe #2, and I took it as an auspicious sign that perhaps his/her journey to us is near.

I should also point out that Iyla appeared to me in a dream about 3 weeks before we conceived her….

Worth the wait

I had fun this cycle obsessing over every.little.thing, since the anty was upped with the Femara and IUI. I Googled endless DPO sign threads and paid crazy attention to every twitch and tingle in my body. I do still feel very Zen about this process, and keep faith that another babe will come to us. I have learned I can do everything humanly possible to call that little one in- but that in the end, they will come when THEY are good and ready.

Having said all that, I unfortunately think this cycle is a bust. I had pink spotting at 5dpo with light brown since then- and today at 8dpo there was a significant swipe of red blood in the morning. It seems really early for my cycle to be starting (and would be an extremely short luteal phase!), but alas- it appears that's what may be happening.

The lovely silver lining this month? Our upcoming trip to New York City in TWO WEEKS!

I plan to fully partake in cocktails.

A Hopeful Frou-Frou Post

You may recall that I have a cousin who has an uncanny ability to predict my pregnancies. Both times I've been pregnant, she had vivid dreams and KNEW before I even knew myself.

When we were in Vegas, she had another vivid dream. Here is the email she sent me on April 2nd, 2014:

So, this could be my crazy subconscious mixing up thoughts of our other cousin's awesome pregnancy news, seeing pictures of my parents with Iyla (the one of my dad just melted my heart) and being habitually late almost every month this year BUT the dream I had last night...

The same colors and vividness of my previous "predictions." 

We were pregnant together, our due dates were the same, and we were driving in a car talking (like my dream with you and our other cousin driving in a car talking about how awesome it was that you were pregnant at the same time). Iyla may have been a little bit older, but it couldn't have been by much because her hair was the same (yes they are that vivid).

I actually had my baby, and dreamt every detail of the labor too- it was crazy. It was a little boy and it is truly amazing the feelings and the love you can actually feel in just a dream.  

Well that sounded crazy, and it probably is- another thought though, I dreamt my last dream of your pregnancy with Iyla while you were on vacation with BC ;)

Last night, upon hearing that this cousin was a few days late on her cycle (she was over with her family for dinner/drinks) her sister and I ushered her into the bathroom to take a pregnancy test, which immediately popped up "PREGNANT." Cue a lot of shock on her part, excitement on mine… because I totally remembered her dream.

And? This morning I got my positive LH surge. Of COURSE! BC's troops have been collected and dropped off, and in 2 hours I will have an IUI. How's that for timing? I think as soon as my cousin saw the word "Pregnant" my ovaries started firing.

My cousin said that if I do get pregnant this cycle it definitely confirms her psychic abilities…so we shall see! I am absolutely still very Zen about it all, knowing another babe- if meant to be- will come in his/her own time.

But dang if there isn't a brilliant rainbow over my head right now with hundreds of unicorns jumping over it! 

Femara & IUIs & Mommy Thumb, Oh My!

A few updates from the past week...

We re-discovered sweet Iyla G has an intolerance for tomatoes. She had a handful of bites at dinner (and loved them!) and within 30 minutes was screaming in abdominal pain, which resulted in diarrhea. I couldn't stomach tomatoes when pregnant, and highly suspected sensitivities with her when I ate them while breastfeeding. Poor buddy! This on top of a nasty cold I gave to both BC and Iyla.

BC comforting our sad baby girl post tomatoes

I finally had surgery on my Mommy Thumb Friday! I had to be put completely under and wear a huge bandage for 3 days with very limited use of my right hand. Slowly but surely I am getting more and more movement and use of my hand, and am optimistic that this will solve the problem once and for all.

Iyla saying "kiss boo-boo!" She has been so sweet.

I visited good 'ole Dr. Vaughn for the first time in over 2 years! He was as sweet & feisty as ever. Took a look at Franny- who has definitely grown a bit- but who Dr. Vaughn still feels is better left alone than dealing with surgery to remove (yay!). We are going full steam ahead, and the day of my appointment I began taking Femara and we will do a Femara/IUI cycle this month. The current plan is June Femara/IUI, July Femara/intercourse (given our trip to NYC), and if nothing has taken at that point, possibly moving to a Gonal-F injectables cycle/IUI in August. 

BC asked if I thought all of this was needed to get pregnant, given our history (3 years of SO many medicated/IUI cycles, then ultimately conceiving naturally on our own). My response and overall attitude? Who knows, but why not? I am ready to be proactive. I feel much less desperation this time around than I did before we had Iyla, and am hopeful I can keep this relaxed, low stress attitude as we move forward. I feel excited and ready to rock n roll toward baby #2! We've been actively trying for a year since my cycle returned, and for almost 6 months since I stopped breastfeeding. Giving a little extra UMPH to the process definitely can't hurt.

Iyla has been growing up daily, and it constantly amazes me! This morning while having her milk, she opened up her hand and I said to her (as I always do)- "those are your fingers!" To which she replied "need cut nails." Ha! Yesterday I had told her we needed to cut her nails (and we did), and that little bugger remembered and thought she'd ask about it again today.

She also showed me that she can now climb up on park benches all.by.herself, thank you very much! Big girl.

So proud

Feeling so much gratitude and appreciation daily for all things in my life- the sweet sense of balance between work, family, and "me" time… and of course, for this darling little girl. We are blessed!

Where Did My Flow Go?

And no, I am not talking about AF.

I had my 2nd IUI yesterday- with an additional 58 million little Lambies swimming toward their target (and those follicles had GROWN! Right side had 28, 22, & 19, left had a 15mm). When I remarked to Dr. V that BC's sample wasn't near as high as yesterday's, he said I should follow him around some day to see how many samples never even reach the minimum 10 million they like to see, and that 58 million was still a great number! Noted, Dr. V, noted.

None of my follicles had released as of the appointment yesterday, so Dr. V said if I was curious I could come back Saturday for a "release check" sonogram to see how many had launched. I had the sense it might be wise not to do this, in the event I didn't like the results, but I AM that girl who makes the nurses copy all of my IUI sheets & follicle pictures -intensely curious- so I wasn't about to pass up the opportunity.

Cramping started around noon yesterday. It isn't like the usual AF cramping, but more like strong muscle pulls that make it a bit hard to walk. I took that as a good sign that those follicles were starting The Great Release of 2012!

This morning I headed back to Dr. V's for my release scan. My normal route through town was blocked due to a parade, so I had to circle through a 15 block detour (no green light flow for me today). Dr. V did the sonogram, and when he was done he said it looked like one follicle had released an egg.

ONE?

I did not go through all these hormones & blood draws to have only ONE egg release. The whole point of injectables cycles are to increase your odds by having hopefully at least two, if not three eggs release. On the last injectables cycle where we got pregnant, it appeared that 3 eggs released. And hence my case study of Diminishing Marginal Returns continues. Blah.

Sitting there feeling a bit depleted, I asked Dr. V if there was any way to up the odds on subsequent cycles of more eggs being released? He said the only way was through IVF, where they had more control over how many fertilized and were then placed for hopeful implantation. And then he handed me an IVF informational booklet.

Awesome.

So basically what I deduced from this mornings events are that we have ONE egg that released (which, by the way, I do by myself every month). If this ONE egg does not get fertilized, the future plans get complicated. Seeing how my body didn't respond as well this injectables cycle, I can only predict it would respond even less well on another cycle. So that leaves us with IVF. And before even considering IVF, a surgery to remove Franny would likely be necessary.

Had I not done the "release check" this morning I would still be feeling so hopeful & optimistic for this cycle (should have listened to my intuition on that one). Now I just feel really sad. BC tried to cheer me up by saying we must have one SUPER egg! And that it only takes ONE to get pregnant! Very sweet of him (and true), but it still couldn't curtail the blue that has seeped in. I am remembering how excessively sensitive these hormones make me, and am just trying to be gentle on myself and allow these feelings to move through & be acknowledged. I trust I'll feel better tomorrow, but for now I'm going to lay low, as it seems evident today is not meant to be in flow.

And in an effort not to leave you Dear Readers on that down note, I bring you "Homebirth" by Ryan Gosling (thanks to Abby & Matthew for their original posts on this! Hilarious):

http://homebirthgosling.tumblr.com/

In Which I Take Everything As A Sign

Last night I decided to cash in on my frou-frou tendencies and check out my February horoscope at Susan Miller's Astrology Zone (well respected in the metaphysical world).  I was secretly hoping to see something relating to February 17th, or at the very least, fertility. And lookie what I read as part of Scorpio's February 2012 forecast:

With four highly fertile planets in your fifth house of pregnancy and birth, you have the single best month of the year to try for conception or, if you are pregnant (or your partner is) and near term, to welcome a baby into your family.

How's THAT for an awesome dose of optimism!

And this morning, I couldn't help but notice how everything flowed. Typically when I feel life flow like that I take it as being in exactly the right place -the right path- at the right time (this happened in abundance with the purchase of our current home). I suspect the universe knows we are ready for babies (ya think?) so I am taking EVERYTHING as a good sign.

It started with some beautiful scheduling Gods. I've had a dentist appointment booked for a month now that was to take place at 9:45. Dr. V wanted me to come in for my IUI at 10:15, so something had to give. Happily, my dentist was able to push me up to 9:30, Dr. V to 10:30, and thus the flow had begun!

The visit was purely cosmetic. I have two eye teeth that are still babies (never lost them! Hereditary- Mom still has hers as well) and MOODY little suckers. I'd had them capped about 5 years ago but my left side's cap (what is up with the LEFT side lately? Ovary, I'm talking to YOU) has since fallen off, leaving a tiny tooth with a dark notch (see- moody!) at the top. Since I have another set of clients in final auditions for House Hunters, I decided vanity had to prevail and it was time to take care of business.

From Moody (and gross)

To mahvelous, dahling (minus the double chin)

As I left the dentist with half my mouth numb & droopy, I proceeded to cruise through every green light on the way to Dr. V's. One of my all time happy songs came on the radio, one that I love for its ability to always relax me (which isn't always easy in this TTC world). To top it off? President's parking spot at the fertility clinic!

Me and my beautiful tooth could get used to this

In keeping with the flow, BC's troops were A-MAZING today. The clinic likes to see at least 10 million motile sperm for these inseminations- and Babycakes'? 241.6 million motile! That sample rivals the best one we ever had last September. We are on fire.

Tomorrow is our 2nd IUI and ovulation day. May the good flow continue! Susan Miller agrees that this is a great month to bring on the babies, and that's good enough for me.

Here We Go- Again!

At my monitoring appointment with Dr. V today, he greeted me by saying "let's see if we have any 16mm follicles!" He is so pumped up about this sloooow and steady growth.

As he moved the sonogram wand around, two things were evident:

*My left ovary continues to be very, very lazy.
*My right ovary is apparently picking up the slack for the left, and seems to have exploded (in a good way) in the past two days!

Today's counts:

Lazy Left Ovary: 12, 10 (Dr. V stopped at that, as it was clear there was nothing to see over there)
Rockin' Right Ovary: 22!!, 19, 17.5, 10

And like a crazy fertility patient proud mother, I had the nurse make a copy of my top two follies' sonograms:

First photo! Aren't they precious? May they become babies who are equally as precious.

Dr. V and I were both shocked by how fast those right follicles had grown in 2 days- to the effect that he asked me if I'd been sneaking extra medicine (I have to admit I'd thought about it; alas, I've been an A+ patient, administering 37.5 iu of my prescribed meds Monday, 75 yesterday). I did feel the need to mention I'd had sweet potatoes to eat last night (in a batch of West African Peanut Soup- YUM!), which, you know, are known for being high in estrogen? This was met by blank stares & a small chuckle. Hey, it's all I could come up with to explain this rocket speed growth (that and my all day every day prayers & visualizations, but I didn't want to freak Dr. V out too much with my frou-frou ways).

So tonight is TRIGGER TIME with good 'ole Ovidrel! We'll have our back to back IUI's tomorrow and Friday. I am grateful we're squeaking them in before the weekend- I suspect my right ovary is crushing on Dr. V and wanting to make sure it is he who assists us this cycle, not some random weekend on-call doc. I'm totally on board with that- thanks, ovary!

February 17th will prove to be a monumental (and hopefully auspicious!) day indeed; not only is it the day my House Hunters episode premieres (link here), but it is also the day I'll do my blood work to see if this month's endeavors were successful and Baby Lambert is on his or her way.

Your prayers & baby dust are welcomed and appreciated... here we go- again!

Injectables IUI #2

I had my 2nd IUI this afternoon. The lab was running way behind, so I got treated to over an hour waiting in the doctors' office, undressed from the waist down. Couldn't help but think of this song while lying there:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDgDTEy6yfc&feature=fvwrel

I did manage to get caught up on all the US Weekly magazines, so I guess that was a good thing.

BC's troops looked great again- 68 million little Lambies, all making a go for it! My sonogram showed that 2 eggs had already released from my right ovary (I've been having mild cramping since 11am today). Dr. V thinks it is possible another may also release from the left ovary. I hope so!  I feel like there should be upped odds & more targets with all I've been through, needle & hormone wise, in the past month. According to my sonogram last Tuesday, my right side had the largest follicle at 20mm followed by two on the left side at 17.5 and 17. The next two, in size order, were on the right side at 16 & 15.  If my right ovary released 2 eggs today, that means the 20mm babe & one of the smaller ones took off; so it is likely the larger ones on the left might take flight as well.

Now begins the notorious "two week wait," to see if this month's endeavors were successful. If you are reading & following our journey, your prayers & baby dust are appreciated! Truly all we want for Christmas is to know our little one (or ones) are on their way. : )

Ovidrel + IUI #1

Last night I took my Ovidrel trigger shot. That sucker hurt much more than the Gonal-F shots! I'm thinking maybe the needle was a bit thicker:

                                                 More needles! Oh boy!

I also really appreciated the verbiage in the package insert, referring repeatedly to Ovidrel users as "infertile women." Thanks for the hope, Ovidrel Makers. Real helpful.

                                  Ovidrel knows how to charm the ladies


Today started with a lovely phone call from a dear friend who moved away last year. She is expecting her 2nd little one this January, and is one of those lucky ladies who got pregnant pretty much instantly with both kiddos. It's been a treat seeing her and her husband become such conscious & amazing parents. I have a lot to learn from them!

After we got off the phone, I called my fertility clinic to see if exercise on the day of one's IUI was OK. Specifically I was debating whether or not to attend my noon Pilates class, and secretly hoping they'd tell me I shouldn't go. Alas, they were all for me continuing with my regular routine, so without any further excuses, off to Pilates I went.

Pilates was followed by acupuncture and then my afternoon IUI. Dr. V commented that I "have this IUI routine down." Not sure that is a good thing, but it sure ain't my first time at the Rodeo. BC's noontime donation looked good- not the highest counts we've had (81.7 million motile), but definitely great numbers to work with! He got a 4/4 rating. I actually compared the last 3 IUI donation sheets we've gotten (yes, I'm a freak), and realized that his insanely AMAZING donation back in September (250.4 million motile!) was the cycle following our drink-fest in NYC. Go figure. Just another way the Universe is telling me we are totally not in control (as I advise him to cut back on drinking and take his daily vitamins).

Tomorrow morning is my 2nd IUI, and should be ovulation day. Dr. V warned me I may have cramping with this month's ovulation, due to all the partying follicles making a run for it. I will hopefully also get a sonogram to see how many eggs actually released- which I am super curious about.

In closing, a picture of my kitties. Because they are cuter and more entertaining than Ovidrel needles & instructions:

                                         This fertility stuff is for the birds!

Trigger Time

Now I have MC Hammer's "You Can't Touch This" in my head..... "Stop- Hammer trigger time!"

I had my appointment with Dr. Vaughn today, and after 10 days of injectables, here's today's roll call:

Right ovary: 20, 16, 15, 13, 12
Left ovary: 17.5, 17, 13, 9. 7

Dr. V was happy to see we had our 20mm babe ready to roll! He wants me to do my Ovidrel trigger tonight, with an estimated ovulation date likely Thursday (those follicles will continue to grow about 2mm/day). He feels good that the 3 biggest follicles will release, and *possibly* the next 2 largest as well- and just in case that happened he gave me another talk on how we'd then need to selectively reduce *if* all took (which is pretty unlikely, but he still has to say his peace).

We will have our IUI procedures tomorrow and Thursday. And as timing would have it, tomorrow is REALLY difficult with BC's schedule- he is going to have to leave work to do a noon drop off, and will likely have to use the lab's "special room" to aid his sample. Cha-cha-cha! So romantic. Both IUI appointment times also directly conflict with my 2 acupuncture appointments this week (what are the odds of that?!). Happily the acupuncture clinic was able to adjust my times slightly to accommodate- those appointments are HARD to come by and always booked weeks in advance.

I had about 2 hours to pass between my morning closing (hooray for a closing!) and my afternoon doctor appointment, so I thought I'd check in with a psychic friend of mine, Cristy, who had donated a 15 minute session for my birthday. She was home and available! I was so excited, thinking that it would be perfect timing to check in psychically on the little ones.

Cristy checked my chakras/energy centers and said I was all clear (yay!). She felt there might be a small block still with BC- and was getting that he was holding back his hope/excitement somewhat as a protective mechanism for me. She said we should make sure to be united/connected in the next couple of days through all these procedures.

Cristy has always seen and heard a strong little girl coming through, and about 6 months ago that little one started talking to her about wanting to bring in a "sister-friend" twin with her. When we checked in today, this little one (let's call her "A") was anxious and really ready to come. She was pulling the other little one, "B," behind her (Cristy sensed B wasn't sure if she was ready to come yet). A was feeling frustrated and wanting B to come with her now. She said B was stubborn (hmmm- maybe like her father?), and if she wouldn't come with her now, then she wanted a little brother! (said with the effusiveness only a little one could have).

When Cristy told her that she should still come- and that BC and I would definitely welcome little B at a later time- A expressed a lot of sorrow (Cristy said the emotion was as if a pet had died). I felt that sorrow- I actually was overcome with a feeling of grief and got tears in my eyes, sensing her sadness. We worked to communicate to A that BC and I loved her and wanted her to come, and that she needed to release B and allow little B to decide for herself if she was ready now or not (maybe this was part of the hold up?).

Cristy actually said to me not to be surprised if I got pregnant with twins, but had one leave early in the pregnancy (so little B could keep that window open and fully decide- if she stayed we'd have twins, if she ultimately wasn't ready, that 2nd fetus would not stay viable). If little B is like her father, she would decide to still come now (since people have backed off the pressure and are allowing her to decide for herself!) According to what Cristy was hearing, we'd either have twin girls now, or one girl now followed by a little brother soon thereafter.

All this psychic stuff is totally fascinating to me (obviously- since I've devoted several posts to it!). It is the ONE THING that has continued to give me hope through this whole crazy fertility process. And it will be incredibly interesting to see what predictions come to fruition! Time will tell- but the psychic consensus is that I am open & clear, and that the little one is ready.

My fingers and toes are crossed!

Fall Nesting

Two years ago this month, Babycakes and I were fortunate enough to purchase what we consider to be our dream home in East Austin.  Located just 1.5 miles from downtown and literally steps from the hike and bike trail (leading to the Colorado River- which is only a few blocks away!)- we feel lucky every single day we're here:

Being a Realtor definitely has its advantages. I had seen that this beautiful 2008 built 5-star green Craftsman style home had been sitting on the market for awhile, and brought BC kicking and screaming to see it (his response was 'WHY would he want to go see a house when we weren't looking to move and buy something?' I retorted 'for FUN!' And he bought it (pun intended)).

We immediately fell in love with the house, but thought it was a bit out of our budget.  We ended up meeting directly with the builder, who proved to be a kindred spirit (a fellow Ashtanga yogi!). We then went on about a 6 month tangent, deciding to design and build another house specifically for us (long story having to do with the fact that the builder would lose money selling the "dream house" to us, and we decided we'd be just as happy building something a bit smaller). 

As you know by now, I am a huge believer in things happening for a reason. The building process got shut down several months in (due to appraisal issues)- and the builder came back and re-offered us the home we had initially fallen in love with- to which we answered 'YES!' without hesitation (even BC!!). And from there things FLOWED amazingly smoothly, and we closed on our new home in November of 2009.  

                                 Even Sam and Mr. Otis love this house!

And nothing sings to my soul more than nesting in our beautiful home. We spent last weekend buying out shopping at World Market, finding many gorgeous furniture and light pieces to add to our home.

I am very passionate about Feng Shui, and am acutely aware of the Bagua Map's layout in our home. So much so that when we initially saw our current home, the first thing I exclaimed was that the Money/Prosperity corner was missing! And being the freak I am, it made me hesitate on wanting to move forward at all (the builder was already losing money on the house-- and upon realizing this I declared to BC 'It's already happening!') 

So immediately after moving into our home, the FIRST purchase we made was a water fountain to symbolically fill in the missing Money/Prosperity corner. A happy bonus surprise was seeing it double as a bird bath!

                                           Keeping the chi flowing

Our weekend treasures included this mosaic glass candle holder, which fit perfectly into an empty corner of our bedroom (the MONEY corner of the bedroom, no less- I fully expect a financial windfall in 2012! ; )  )

BC's favorite purchase was an array of white flowers, to supplement the willow lights we already had in this vase:

               Little did he know, this is the 'family' area of the Bagua- now in bloom!

I love this console table which fit perfectly against an empty living room wall:

I also went on a huge de-cluttering/cleaning binge yesterday. I organized my office closet (a HUGE task- it was so incredibly cluttered and unsightly, and also was the "Money" section of my office space. As I said- 2012 WINDFALL please!). I organized drawers, cabinets, & filled up a huge garbage bag with unneeded trash. It felt so good to be nurturing our home and clearing out the junk! 

I am definitely in nesting mode. We did have another IUI performed last Friday morning, so you never know! Maybe there is a reason I have been psychotically cleaning & organizing. 

I turn 36 tomorrow and would love nothing more for my birthday than getting some 'positive' news this cycle.  In the past year I have definitely learned to take life one day at a time,  better appreciating the 'now' and trusting that things unfold exactly how they should.  I'm ready to start another year of living & learning, and can't wait to see what my 36th year has in store (hint: babies please!)

Poked

Today marks our 4th IUI procedure (a natural one- no meds). Babycakes just texted me that "The Eagle has Landed!"- meaning his troops have been safely dropped off and are now being spun & washed to become their most charming & beautiful selves. I will follow later this afternoon to get those troops inserted & started on their monumental Olympic swim toward the finish line.

It is very likely we are going to try what is called an injectable cycle next month (should we not conceive this round). This is kind of the middle ground intervention between Clomid IUI's and the big guns of IVF. Instead of taking daily pills to stimulate ovulation, I'll be getting poked daily with self induced hormone shots (Gonadatrophin). Then I'll get poked to give blood every 3 days, along with routine ultrasounds to monitor follicular development. Then I'll get poked with a shot to induce ovulation. I'll also continue to get poked 2x/week by an acupuncturist specializing in fertility treatments.

I had my "Injectables" class yesterday to show me how the needles work, what is involved with the cycle, etc. Ideally they want you to have 2-3 good follicles that develop from the meds (any more than that and they may cancel the cycle due to a concern with multiples). They monitor you every 3 days, and when you have a couple good follies, you give yourself ANOTHER shot (Ovidril) to stimulate ovulation, then go in for 2 back-to-back IUI's. The nurse said Chlomid/IUI cycles have about an 8% success rate, an injectable cycle about 25%. Of all pregnancies conceived on injectable cycles, 30% are multiples- so those odds definitely go up. We'd be down with twins- hey, it's an INSTA-FAMILY! But I wouldn't want to risk any more than that.

Phew. Suddenly Clomid's hot flashes aren't looking so shabby after typing all that out!

Dear Clomid:

 I'm so sorry I ever bad-mouthed you. You are a sweet, gentle, unassuming charmer compared to what this Injectables Army has up its sleeve. I will remember you fondly once all this poking begins.

Love, Me

Working the Core

This is my first full cycle month post surgery, and I can tell my body's system has shifted for the better! This cycle I was on 50mg of clomid again--which is known for drying up fertile CM--and I still had an abundance of it, AND it stuck around for several days, which is really great news and new for me. (Sidenote: I HATE clomid! This month's heat flashes were absolutely insane & relentless, and upon my mid cycle sonogram, I still only had one egg in there, which I totally do on my own without drugs. That was all I needed to see to say "SAYONARA!" to future months on it!)

Last weekend was an exciting one-- I had my IUI on Saturday (on cycle day 23!! I usually ovulate on day 16, so I was almost a whole week late. You know you are TTC when your hubby actually complains about how many days in a row you're doing the baby dance- we started around day 13 so it was indeed a long run!) Because it was a Saturday, I was seen by the on call doctor, whom I didn't care for at all. Babycakes' sample was labeled "marginal" this round, with 13% motility, likely b/c we hadn't abstained long enough prior (being that late, it was really hard to pinpoint when to abstain/etc). Makes me wonder if we should start him on another vitamin cocktail (which he was doing for months prior to our big "break" in March. Admittedly he hated it, but our first IUI sample was off the charts good!)

The other exciting thing that happened last weekend was that I started filming an East Austin focused House Hunters episode with my clients! I filmed for two full days (my clients three) and the crew will be back in September to finish up filming. It was so fun to see what actually goes on behind the scenes to make the show. I LOVE that HGTV program, so am super thrilled & honored to be participating in it, with an estimated air date next spring. My clients are adorable, and we all had a blast playing together for the filming days.

I also got to catch up with my dear friend Jenny Monday night, and she mentioned to me that another friend of hers had just conceived after 1 1/2 years of trying, and one thing she did different the cycle she conceived was to eat a pineapple core. Now, I had heard things about pineapple being helpful for implantation, but never heard anything about eating the core! So I googled it and found this article:

http://www.amandabears.com/pineapple-core-for-implantation.html

Then promptly went out and ended up with this:

It's a little tough to chew, but I'm in the mode of being willing to try anything, and figure it can't hurt.  I also hit my weekly Pilates class today, so am officially "working the core" on all fronts. We're in the TWW now, and I'm just taking it one day at a time, happily distracted by all the filming fun & an upcoming trip to NYC. Feeling very grateful in general, and really, truly trusting that we are on the road toward making our family. : )

Who me, inappropriate?

There is definitely the right time and place to bring up TTC. And I don't know what that is yet. Like tonight. Happy hour with my lovely Title company rep. Martinis arrive and my word vomit begins.

Rep: "So how are you? How has business been?"

"I'm feeling sad b/c I got my period"

"Oh....sorry?"

"Yeah, DH and I have been trying to have babies for awhile. We had our first intervention this month-- an IUI-- which obviously didn't work."


**Crickets**

Schooled by TTC

I figure if I’m going to start a blog, I should share a little history about our TTC (trying to conceive) journey.

First lesson learned: we are OLD in the TTC world (I am 35, hubby 40). Apparently my eggs started rotting when I turned 35, and now getting pregnant becomes more and more like climbing Mt Everest. And I'm not a mountain kinda girl.

2nd lesson:  TTC is a whole new world.  The acronyms! - (found & learned from stalking skimming fertility forums). A cheat-sheet to some commonly used terms that are now part of my vernacular:

AF: Aunt Flo, aka,  time of the month, period
DH: dear husband (or 'babycakes' --'BC'-- if the mood strikes)
CM: cervical mucus
BD: baby dance (aka sex)
CD: cycle day
BFN: big fat negative (as in pregnancy test)
BFP: big fat positive (do these really exist?)
IUI: Intrauterine Insemination
IVF: In Vitro Fertilization
2WW: two week wait (after ovulation- to see if you are preggers or not)
DPO: days past ovulation
OPK: ovulation predictor kit
SA: Semen analysis
BBT: Basal body temperature

What I have tried:

*Acupuncture
   ---over a years’ worth, 2 different practitioners. Allegedly my Liver & Kidney are jerks & need more chi
*Charting my BBT
   ---started this 6 months before we even began TTC- b/c obviously! We’d get pregnant right away! Abruptly stopped charting after 2nd month not getting knocked up- threw charts away in a crying rage, declaring that charting + my Type A personality were NOT meant to be.
*Monitoring CM & using OPKs
   ---I got really good at this- had everything down to a science. 3 days after fertile CM I would ovulate, and 14 days later AF would systematically show her ugly face
*Talking to psychics
   ---who have assured me there is a little girl waiting to come to us. Apparently she is in no rush. Awesome.
*Eating a Mediterranean diet. Eating high fat dairy. Cutting out dairy. Cutting out coffee. Drinking green tea. Eating green vegetables. You get the idea.
*Vitamins & supplements, to include Goji Juice, Evening Primrose Oil, Vitamin B, Pre-natal vitamins, magnesium, fish oil pills, flax seed pills, zinc
*Not trying. Going on vacation!
*Committing and TOTALLY trying again
*Myofasial work
*Chiropractic work
*Massages
*Energy work
*2 rounds Clomid,1 Femera
*Clomid + IUI (one try)
*Meditating
*Painting the future baby’s room
*Elevating my hips & staying there for an hour after BD
*Wearing fertility charms
*Using sperm friendly lube
*Taking Mucinex to increase fertile CM
*Going to a fertility specialist.....to be told our chance of conceiving's uplifting odds are 1-3%/month naturally. Woot!

Tests I/we have done:

*CD 3 & CD 20 blood tests (all normal)
*HSG (Hysterosalpingogram- a test where they shoot dye into your uterus to see if your tubes are open.) Which, b/c I have NO pain tolerance whatsoever and am a total wimp, I prepped for with a xanax AND half a vicodin. Don’t judge. Tubes were open, uterus a bit narrow, but overall I'm good to go.
*Countless monthly sonograms to monitor follicle growth & check for cysts. I feel like our fertility doc is getting more action than my husband these days. Sorry Babycakes.
*DH had SA, which showed extremely high counts, but lower motility. We joke that his swimmers are drunk. B/c of the high numbers, it isn’t too big of a concern. We also know his troops “work” based on a donation he did that resulted in an amazing baby boy.

The one doozy I haven’t yet done is the laparoscopy, where they cut you open make 3  incisions into your abdomen to “look around” for endometriosis, fibroids, scarring, etc. This is a little like the old Chicken and the Egg- do we keep paying for interventions when there might be undiagnosed endometriosis? Or do we pay $2000 for the laparoscopy, knowing that they might not find ANYTHING?

(Unsolicited) Advice I have gotten:

*Relax
*Stop “trying” and it will happen (a personal fav)
*Why don’t you adopt?
*Life’s hard
*Do this chant to connect with your unborn child
*Meditate
*Exercise more
*Drink/eat/take “” (insert endless string of items here)
*Trust that it WILL happen (often said by folks who got pregnant on the first try or have never TTC)

Every month is a new game. Sometimes I feel hopeful, other times utterly hopeless.

22 months- but who's counting?

Today I am pissed.
Pissed that we’ve been trying to have a baby for 22 months now.
Pissed that I started spotting which means that the $600 fancy schmancy “let’s hope THIS does it!” intra-uterine insemination procedure didn’t work.
Pissed b/c the hormones in the clomid I’ve been taking for months are making me nuts.
Pissed b/c on my way to visit a friend who'd just had a baby (AND got pregnant on the first try.  Like everyone else around me) I stopped by a baby clothing store to get a gift. The sales clerk, as she is 15 minutes into carefully wrapping the presents, says to me:
“Do you have children?.”
      (Oh no- here we go)
“No."
     (Is it just me or is it suddenly 200 degrees in here? Damn clomid)
“You really should. I highly recommend it. My mom always told me not to have babies, but I did, and it is amazing…..”
I bit my lip, willing myself not to lose my s***. What I wanted to say was:
“Lady- I WANT babies. In fact, I’ve been trying to have babies for 2 years now, with no luck. Apparently, it is NOT that easy to do. Why don't you shove that pink bow where the sun doesn't shine? And are you F'in done wrapping that present yet??” 

Then, not 5 minutes after I left, 3 new car alert lights flick on. Awesome. I had just gotten my oil changed/tires rotated this morning, so now what?

Let's visit a baby.