To Drew Barrymore and Kristen Bell

I so want to hate you girls. You represent the fantastical celebrity version of exactly what I want more than anything else in the world right now- to have a sweet toddler baby and be quickly pregnant with another on the way. Seemingly effortlessly.

And so I go back to the fact that family planning & spacing is an elusive beast that unfortunately cannot be controlled. At least by those struggling with TTC. At least by me.

Also? I don't feel totally safe in this blog anymore. When I started it I was an anonymous blogger free to vent all the anger, frustration, & sadness that came with this difficult road. Once the blog evolved into a pregnancy, I told many, many more people about it… including family… who are probably my main readers at this point (a big reason almost every post is mostly Iyla updates). Talking in detail about interventions, cervical mucus, the state of my breasts… just- doesn't feel right. So I feel a bit stifled, as I have so much to express but no real forum to express it in.

That's why I've largely gone quiet lately, because I am back in the throws of walking the tightrope between desire and heartache. I have very, very blue days. Especially this cycle, when we did our first post-Iyla full on Follistim/Ovidril/double IUI intervention. With all the hot flashes, twinges, expenses, & hope that a cycle like that produces.

And no pregnancy.

It's a fresh, familiar pain that encircles me. I was SO sure I'd have a May baby.

Bleh.

Admittedly, there IS a different perspective overall this TTC round. I have a gorgeous little girl who is an absolute DREAM come true. She is here, and real, and beautiful. She melts my heart every.single.day. I have a loving, supportive husband who went along with last months' crazies in a show of solidarity. I have amazing real estate angels who keep my business clipping along at a lovely, non overwhelming pace that is fully supporting our financial needs. We've been taking lovely trips (Vegas! NYC! And next up: San Diego!) I feel like I shouldn't be allowed to be blue, given all this abundance in my life.

My heart says (knows?) there is another babe coming. My psychic (who saw Iyla clearly) said there was DEFINITELY another babe coming- she felt within 2-4 months, to arrive by the end of 2015. A boy (well, she actually saw THREE total kids- a boy and another girl. They would absolutely have to come as a package deal as BC is adamant about getting snipped after another pregnancy!). Yep. I've gone full circle and am back to finding hope in psychic predictions. I get to.

And so I soldier on… staying mostly quiet in this forum, but weathering the battle of emotions fully on a day to day basis.

How could I NOT want another of these?

18 Weeks: A Visit to the ER & a Psychic Fair

My 18 week milestone started off with a bang today with a visit to the Emergency Room.

This past week I have had several mornings in a row where upon waking- before using the restroom- I've had a small amount of clear fluid leak out of me. Odorless, watery.... I had assumed it was urine. This morning in a comparison smell test (gross, I know) I put a drop of urine on my finger and it had a very distinct urine odor- unlike the fluid that has been leaking out.

I immediately started googling things like "does amniotic fluid periodically leak in pregnancy?" and proceeded to completely freak.myself.out. Any amniotic fluid leaks are BAD news, and something to see a doctor about immediately. Of course it was Saturday, so after talking to my on-call nurse the only option was the ER. There went my pre-natal yoga plans!

Upon arrival to the hospital, I was grateful to be seen quickly. The nurse immediately found the baby's heartbeat (a calm 144-145- at least the little one wasn't all worked up!) and told us the on-call doctor would be in shortly. No one seemed alarmed, which was good. The doctor checked my cervix (closed tight & long- hooray!) and did a PH test on my vaginal fluid. It came back negative for amniotic fluid- there was a slight abnormality on another test but it was most likely due to the fact that BC and I had had some sexy time last night (awesome timing, as it turns out... making the tests more complicated and each speculum probe a lot more painful!). No infections were found, and the doctor surmised the fluid was likely either very watery vaginal discharge or urine. She said it is very uncommon to have amniotic fluid leak this early- and if it did, it is usually on/off throughout the day, not just in the morning. I was so grateful for the peace of mind from the visit, and will now be nicknamed "Leaky Lambert."

The most hilarious part? On my discharge paperwork, they noted my "Chief Complaint" as Pregnancy. Ha!

Later this afternoon I geeked out and attended a metaphysical Psychic fair, hoping to have a reading done. I found a woman I'd had a brief phone session with months ago and she set out to focus on connecting to the baby. Some interesting tidbits that came up:

*She definitely got female energy- said that doesn't necessarily mean it is a girl, but that there was indeed a lot of female energy around this little one.

*This little one is a very old soul, and very happy to finally be able to come through!

*BC is going to be extremely close to this child- it will take him by surprise how immediately and fully he feels this connection.

*The little one was concerned with coming too early due to medical folks saying it was necessary- something to do with my blood sugar/pancreas. The psychic advised it would be good to continue acupuncture & energy work toward balancing this out.

*The babe is preferring a gentle, calm natural birth. S***. That was definitely not my plan!! It's true I got a strong vibe/intuition the DAY this little one was conceived that he/she was waiting to come in naturally (and did), so this news didn't surprise me. But it does throw me a bit off kilter, as I have been pretty sure I'm going to want an epidural. I am committed to remaining open and starting to research birthing centers & midwives, then following my own intuition from there.

*I asked about work/finances after the baby comes, as this is an ongoing discussion with BC & I, and something I struggle to find clarity with. My gut tells me I am going to want to be home with this babe full time for awhile after he/she comes, which means saving as much money as possible now and having to cut back on many expenses after the birth. The Psychic said she doesn't have any red flags about finances for us- and does see some sort of part time work coming in for me around the time the babe is 6 months, though exactly what that was isn't clear. She saw me surrounded by children (not my own)- so something possibly in that field? We shall see!

Now onto the 18 week updates:

How far along? 18 weeks today

How big is baby? The baby is now the size of a sweet potato, measuring roughly 5.6 inches & weighing 6.7 ounces. He/she is going through a rapid growth period, and it's weight will increase by 6x in the next four weeks! That should definitely affect my belly's ever expanding girth. The unique fingerprints are also developing this week.

Weight gain? Fluctuates between 2.5lb-3lbs. The ER nurse asked me for my weight when I checked in today. I told her my scale at home was reading between 110.5-111, and joked that probably meant 115 on the doctor's scale. She smirked and said "I'm going to record 115 just because I"m jealous." While I appreciated her humor, I didn't appreciate the 115 notation.

18 Week Belly

Sleep? I've been having crazy "Lifetime Movie of the Week" type dreams- linear tales that have a very clear beginning, middle, end & drama around them... often about characters that aren't even a part of my real life. 

Symptoms? The migraines are still taunting me- I've had maybe 5-6 in the past week and a half. The on-call doctor today said she was OK with the niacin + tylenol combo I've been successfully using, which made me feel a lot better (my regular OB was OK with this as well). I feel so guilty every time I have to take anything! Apparently these specific pregnancy weeks (from about 16-20) are known for an uptick in headaches- so hopefully those will calm down soon. This week's leaking was my other fun new symptom! 

Food cravings/aversions? I haven't had too big of an appetite this week- not sure why. The needing to eat within 30-60 minutes of waking remains, and I've been loving watermelon- though I wouldn't call it an all out 'craving.' 

Maternity clothes? I think I finally have a pretty solid collection of dresses & stretchy skirts that will help get me through the hot summer. I can also still wear my stretchy waisted capri jeans- so between those & the skirts/dresses I should be set for awhile.

Most looking forward to? Starting to feel movement! Every once in a blue moon I *think* I might feel a little tap or swish, but absolutely nothing consistent or conclusive. The babe is obviously in there with a strong heartbeat- I like to believe he/she is just a very calm, Zen little soul. I can hope, right? 

Trigger Time

Now I have MC Hammer's "You Can't Touch This" in my head..... "Stop- Hammer trigger time!"

I had my appointment with Dr. Vaughn today, and after 10 days of injectables, here's today's roll call:

Right ovary: 20, 16, 15, 13, 12
Left ovary: 17.5, 17, 13, 9. 7

Dr. V was happy to see we had our 20mm babe ready to roll! He wants me to do my Ovidrel trigger tonight, with an estimated ovulation date likely Thursday (those follicles will continue to grow about 2mm/day). He feels good that the 3 biggest follicles will release, and *possibly* the next 2 largest as well- and just in case that happened he gave me another talk on how we'd then need to selectively reduce *if* all took (which is pretty unlikely, but he still has to say his peace).

We will have our IUI procedures tomorrow and Thursday. And as timing would have it, tomorrow is REALLY difficult with BC's schedule- he is going to have to leave work to do a noon drop off, and will likely have to use the lab's "special room" to aid his sample. Cha-cha-cha! So romantic. Both IUI appointment times also directly conflict with my 2 acupuncture appointments this week (what are the odds of that?!). Happily the acupuncture clinic was able to adjust my times slightly to accommodate- those appointments are HARD to come by and always booked weeks in advance.

I had about 2 hours to pass between my morning closing (hooray for a closing!) and my afternoon doctor appointment, so I thought I'd check in with a psychic friend of mine, Cristy, who had donated a 15 minute session for my birthday. She was home and available! I was so excited, thinking that it would be perfect timing to check in psychically on the little ones.

Cristy checked my chakras/energy centers and said I was all clear (yay!). She felt there might be a small block still with BC- and was getting that he was holding back his hope/excitement somewhat as a protective mechanism for me. She said we should make sure to be united/connected in the next couple of days through all these procedures.

Cristy has always seen and heard a strong little girl coming through, and about 6 months ago that little one started talking to her about wanting to bring in a "sister-friend" twin with her. When we checked in today, this little one (let's call her "A") was anxious and really ready to come. She was pulling the other little one, "B," behind her (Cristy sensed B wasn't sure if she was ready to come yet). A was feeling frustrated and wanting B to come with her now. She said B was stubborn (hmmm- maybe like her father?), and if she wouldn't come with her now, then she wanted a little brother! (said with the effusiveness only a little one could have).

When Cristy told her that she should still come- and that BC and I would definitely welcome little B at a later time- A expressed a lot of sorrow (Cristy said the emotion was as if a pet had died). I felt that sorrow- I actually was overcome with a feeling of grief and got tears in my eyes, sensing her sadness. We worked to communicate to A that BC and I loved her and wanted her to come, and that she needed to release B and allow little B to decide for herself if she was ready now or not (maybe this was part of the hold up?).

Cristy actually said to me not to be surprised if I got pregnant with twins, but had one leave early in the pregnancy (so little B could keep that window open and fully decide- if she stayed we'd have twins, if she ultimately wasn't ready, that 2nd fetus would not stay viable). If little B is like her father, she would decide to still come now (since people have backed off the pressure and are allowing her to decide for herself!) According to what Cristy was hearing, we'd either have twin girls now, or one girl now followed by a little brother soon thereafter.

All this psychic stuff is totally fascinating to me (obviously- since I've devoted several posts to it!). It is the ONE THING that has continued to give me hope through this whole crazy fertility process. And it will be incredibly interesting to see what predictions come to fruition! Time will tell- but the psychic consensus is that I am open & clear, and that the little one is ready.

My fingers and toes are crossed!

Clearing the Block

I had an energy clearing/Akashic record reading session scheduled with a practitioner (K) last week. Unfortunately K fell ill and had to re-schedule all of her clients. Feeling badly about the shuffle, she offered up a donated 30 minute session with another clairvoyant friend of hers, LD, in addition to the original sessions planned with her (yay for me! One psychic's sickness is another woman's gain).

Last Sunday morning I had my donated 30 minute session with LD. Pretty quickly into our session, she noted she was getting an energetic 'block' in my 2nd chakra- the fertility area. She said she saw that there had been a trauma there when I was young, and asked if I had ever been abused. I haven't experienced (in my conscious memory) anything like that, so she sensed it may have happened in a very recent past life. (side note: she also said she heard 4 little ones who'd like to come to me. She indicated not all may come this lifetime, but also noted that with fertility meds they could all decide to come at once. To which I proclaimed "HELL NO!" Yes, I want children. But HELL NO to 4 at once! Universe, do you hear me?).

 You may remember the frustration I felt in October, when I was first told about being blocked. So here I had another psychic picking up on the same thing. Yes, skeptics out there may say that this is an easy cop-out when someone knows there are fertility concerns. But ebbing on the side of "what if they are right," I went into my problem solving mode. LD said she knew an incredible energy worker she thought could help clear the block (D), and felt it could be cleared pretty quickly- within weeks (cut to my mental math- if we want to be players this cycle and give those 13 follies a chance, I needed to get that stuff moving- and fast!) She called D the "Deep Cleaner," and I was all for it.

So this past Tuesday night I had my energy session with D scheduled. I had NO idea what to expect, or exactly what this woman did. She was first and foremost a voice & piano teacher, and her website made no note of her healing business.

And everything about the evening was completely and utterly bizarre- like nothing I have ever experienced.

D's home was located in a large apartment complex off the freeway in North Austin. When I got to her door, a yappy little dog named Todo greeted me. D was a large Mexican girl wearing a bedazzled sweatshirt with musical notes on it. I could definitely tell this wasn't her main profession- nothing about the environment was professional, and I wondered what I had gotten myself into.

D had me sit on her couch to begin, and indicated that sometimes loved ones came in during her sessions. I asked if she could see/feel/hear any little ones. She paused, listened, and said she heard 4 voices (HELL NO!), and was getting possible "twins." She also said a grandmother was coming in who told her this conception difficulty ran in the family and was "no big deal." I don't really know my dad's sides' history with fertility, so couldn't confirm or deny this (never knew my paternal grandmother, but my dad and his sister are 8 years apart, so maybe there is something to that?)

Then she said it was time to begin the session. I thought we had begun, but oh was I wrong.

D explained that the energy work she did was called Pranic Healing- basically like Reiki on steroids. She moved her coffee table out from the middle of the room, laid down a blanket, and set a bowl of saltwater in the middle of the blanket. She explained that she would be putting all negative/removed energy into that bowl. Her work was to identify my energy cords and CUT all of those cords that were blocking or inhibiting me. She would also work to scan & clear my chakras.

She told me to stand on one side of the bowl, and that she would stand on the other. As she began, I kept my eyes open, and she started making motions like she was pulling ropes from my body. She stopped a couple minutes in and said I was too much in my head (hard not to be with Todo yipping back and forth!) and that I should close my eyes.

And then the absolutely bizarre part began.

I couldn't see what she was doing, but boy could I FEEL it. I started to get incredibly hot and sweaty, and had to shed 2 layers of clothing. My body began gently swaying side to side, and I could feel a swirling motion moving within me. The strangest was the energy that moved in a corkscrew fashion- starting at the bottom of my leg, up, up, into my hip, into my stomach, across to my shoulder... almost like I was being uncoiled. My body would spontaneously twist to one side and then the other, before settling again in a balanced center gait. When it would pause at the center, I had the sensation of being firmly rooted to the ground- my feet were hot and I experienced energy in my legs I haven't ever had. I also felt like my hips were actually expanding and thus allowing/opening to all sorts of energy between them. D later said that one of her gifts was being able to go inside ones' chakras and work from the inside up through the body to clear. Whoa.

She said my crown chakra had been a bit blocked, and that I definitely had a big energetic block in that 2nd fertility chakra. She scanned my body and felt she had moved much- if not all - of that energy out!

Then she said she was going to do "toning" on my chakras. I closed my eyes again, and she started vocalizing as she scanned/moved through my energy centers. She had an amazingly beautiful and powerful voice (that bedazzled top wasn't for nothing!), and would at times emit a higher pitched tone, other times lower, sometimes starting just off tune and moving the sound into full, beautiful harmony. My heart felt like it was beating out of my chest, and I could "feel" which chakra she was at as she moved through my system. She explained that she could visualize energy particles inside ones' body- and that she saw them as either black, gray, or full color spectrums. The vocalizations actually moved and adjusted these energetic particles back into colorful harmony.

My body felt so light and free and open, and my hips wouldn't stop gently swaying side to side. Absolutely insane.

Then D said we should ask my subconscious some questions, and that my body would move forward for "yes" and backwards for "no."

"Will Jules be pregnant in a month?" Forward lurch (oh I hope so! Go follies go!)
"Will Jules need another energy session?" Twist forward/right (a maybe)
"Will the baby be a boy?" Lurch to the right (we discovered my body said "no" by going to the side).
"Will it be twins?" Forward lurch (we'll take them- but HELL NO to quints! Universe, are you getting me?!)

Then D said she was going to cut the energetic cord between us, and I kid you not, my middle section pushed back in a concave fashion, and I could feel that cord being severed.

I was in a blissful, light, airy space, and was ready to leave. But D had other plans. See, if D's gift is being able to move & affect energy, my gift is that people sense I would be a great counselor/psychologist and want to open up to me. Don't know how D read this, but she proceeded to spend 30 more minutes talking to me about how she didn't know if her current boyfriend was "the one" etc.  I just wanted to get out of there and stay in my bliss. I almost asked her to RE-CUT the cord that she had just attached to me! Geez. I will be very conscious of that if I do subsequent energy work with her.

Regardless, it was an incredibly powerful session- and I am grateful for the crazy play of events that led me to D. I am so hopeful that everything is now aligned and in harmony toward our little ones joining us.

Friday I have another blood draw &  appointment with Dr. Vaughn to see how my posse of follicles are progressing... stay tuned!

Psychic Overload

DISCLAIMER: VERY FROU-FROU NEW AGE-Y POST AHEAD

You'll remember my post from the metaphysical fair, where I had my aura photographed? So you know by now how much of a sucker lover I am of the psychic/new age stuff.

My sister-in-law recently was RAVING to me about a woman she'd had a reading with- claiming that this lady was THE REAL DEAL.  So being the nerd I am, I booked an appointment with THE REAL DEAL (TRD).  I guess there is part of me really looking for confirmation on the future from these folks- and I have more and more trust in their ability to 'see' beyond when more than one person 'sees' the same things.

My session with TRD started with her putting down the phone & psychically "coming over to me" to read me (she is in California) and see what my spiritual soul level self wanted to share with her. When she came back, she said I had showed her several beautiful scenes- with gorgeous outdoor areas & architecture. Then she asked "are you young?" I said "not really- about to be 36." She asked if I already had children-- I said no-- then she asked if I WANTED children, to which I said yes! She breathed "oh GOOD!" and continued by saying: "you brought me to a scene where I was among soccer moms with you, and there was an athletic child playing. You were showing me that this was coming."

Tingles.

When I  inquired further about the whole children thing, she said she saw two, and that they were hanging out very close to me. She felt I'd be pregnant within 3 months, having a child within a year (the metaphysical fair lady said something VERY similar with time lines- and a Taro Card reading I'd had in NYC on a whim ALSO indicated a child within a year. OooooooooOOOoooooo).

TRD said she was getting that the first child was a boy (from the soccer field scene), and then she paused and said "Wait- I see in a year a bundle with a PINK blanket being handed to you." So basically, a girl then a boy. She didn't sense the twin thing- though when I emailed her that crazy aura photo she agreed it DID look like 2 embryos. So I figure they *might* jump in together, and otherwise, TRD did say she saw the 2nd coming very soon after the 1st.

Other notable things from the reading:

*She asked at one point if I knew I was psychic? I sheepishly answered I thought so, though I don't "see" or clearly "hear" things- I more "feel" energy and have really strong instincts toward helping/counseling people, etc.  She said that I was "clairsentient"-- which is something I've been told before and do know as truth. She said I was often more fatigued than average people, given this sensitivity to picking up others' energy and emotions (so true! All these months I thought I might have pregnancy fatigue-- nope! Just clairsentience!) I am definitely someone people come to to "unload" and share with, and at times it can really drain me. I am trying to learn how to be better about that so I can be fully present to help and NOT get exhausted.

*TRD said I was a healer as well, and my soul self had told her I came into this life to help shepperd people to their own safety. That I was someone who felt at my BEST when inspired and inspiring others. She said I will come more fully into my psychic gifts at age 41 (take note! Check in with me in 5 years. Maybe I'll predict you're about to call!)

I've got to say, I felt really excited after the session. Inspired and hopeful.

And then later that day we had a visit from our homes' architect, whom we both adore. She too is VERY intuitive, and I knew she was psychic as well, though I didn't know to what extent. While sipping red wine together & telling her about my session, I casually asked if she was getting any "hits" from future children. And then she actively started reporting what she was hearing (so fascinating). She said there was a strong kiddo coming through (likely the girl) who was SO ready to come! And then she said this little one was saying I was blocked.

What?

Really?

BLOCKED?

How how HOW can everything that brought me up in the day's session come crashing down with those little words? I felt so frustrated in that moment. I also had the thought that if there WAS this being out there SO ready to come to us, who was in spirit (so all powerful/all knowing) why wouldn't SHE help me get unblocked? Why is it SO hard to really trust & believe the good (like everything from TRD) and so easy to get knocked down and dwell on the negative? Argh.

In other updates, I head to Dr Vaughn's tomorrow for my "baseline" exam, and have my first injectables pack being overnighted as we speak!  I had thought an October 28th trip we've planned to New Orleans might interfere with our starting injectables this month, but Dr Vaughn feels he can get everything rolling in time. He'll just have to expedite the blowing up of my follicles--we've got about 13-14 days to get those suckers juicy & dually inseminated before sending me off to be extra easy The Big Easy. The little one didn't come in with New York City's trip- so maybe she is more of a New Orleans kind of gal? We'll soon find out!

A Picture is Worth....

I attended a metaphysical fair today- a place where there are many psychics, energy workers, stone experts, Reiki masters, etc. gathered into one place. I love that stuff! I knew there was a good chance the Aura photographer would also be there- I had gotten my aura picture taken about a year ago, and was curious to see what would come of it this time. The man who does these pictures has you sit on a seat and place your hands flat on two metal sensors. His info sheet states that "the blue hand plates work as sensors to pick up from your hands the chakra points of the body." These pictures can also show angels, guides, and other entities wanting to be seen.

As I sat down awaiting my photo, I relaxed and meditated, specifically calling in any little ones wanting to reveal themselves. I felt CRAZY amounts of energy all around me- almost like a thick fog had rolled in- and my eyelids started fluttering.

****Sidenote: the psychic woman I've often spoken to here in Austin, who has connected with a little one supposedly wanting to come to us, starting talking about twins when I first told her I was experimenting with Clomid. Apparently the little one (who she sensed was a girl) was VERY excited to get to bring in a "sister-friend" with her. ****

So coming back to today's event, as I meditated I invited this little one to reveal itself, along with the twin if that is what they wanted. And here's the picture that resulted (keep in mind the man taking the picture had NO idea what I was thinking about/calling in):

My head is in the center, in the dark purple area (if you look closely you can just make out the outlines of my face). Check out the lower left-- two VERY clear entities hanging out there. This totally blew my mind!

And here is an interesting link to aura color explanations: http://www.auraexploration.com/auracoloranalysis.html

I also visited with one of the psychics at the fair- and the FIRST thing she said to me, after I said I"d like to focus on her connecting to possible future children, was that she was getting "twins." And when she said it she got goosebumps, and she confirmed that the above aura picture was showing those two. In retrospect I wish I would have asked her if she was getting fraternal or identical, boys or girls. She did say that she felt fertility interventions would be necessary to get them here, and that she saw that they were very ready, I was ready, Babycakes was ready, but there were a few other items to work out before they would come. She seemed to think they'd be here by the end of next year, wintertime. Great in one sense to hear- but my active mind quickly did the conception math and that would mean we wouldn't conceive until early next year. So in a way, I hope she wasn't 100% right on that one... that would mean many months of getting poked (see previous entry on that here)!

Either way, it is always comforting to get that spiritual confirmation. We would be thrilled to welcome twins to the family- and today's events definitely lifted my "spirits!"