Sunday, August 24, 2014

To Drew Barrymore and Kristen Bell

I so want to hate you girls. You represent the fantastical celebrity version of exactly what I want more than anything else in the world right now- to have a sweet toddler baby and be quickly pregnant with another on the way. Seemingly effortlessly.

And so I go back to the fact that family planning & spacing is an elusive beast that unfortunately cannot be controlled. At least by those struggling with TTC. At least by me.

Also? I don't feel totally safe in this blog anymore. When I started it I was an anonymous blogger free to vent all the anger, frustration, & sadness that came with this difficult road. Once the blog evolved into a pregnancy, I told many, many more people about it… including family… who are probably my main readers at this point (a big reason almost every post is mostly Iyla updates). Talking in detail about interventions, cervical mucus, the state of my breasts… just- doesn't feel right. So I feel a bit stifled, as I have so much to express but no real forum to express it in.

That's why I've largely gone quiet lately, because I am back in the throws of walking the tightrope between desire and heartache. I have very, very blue days. Especially this cycle, when we did our first post-Iyla full on Follistim/Ovidril/double IUI intervention. With all the hot flashes, twinges, expenses, & hope that a cycle like that produces.

And no pregnancy.

It's a fresh, familiar pain that encircles me. I was SO sure I'd have a May baby.


Admittedly, there IS a different perspective overall this TTC round. I have a gorgeous little girl who is an absolute DREAM come true. She is here, and real, and beautiful. She melts my heart I have a loving, supportive husband who went along with last months' crazies in a show of solidarity. I have amazing real estate angels who keep my business clipping along at a lovely, non overwhelming pace that is fully supporting our financial needs. We've been taking lovely trips (Vegas! NYC! And next up: San Diego!) I feel like I shouldn't be allowed to be blue, given all this abundance in my life.

My heart says (knows?) there is another babe coming. My psychic (who saw Iyla clearly) said there was DEFINITELY another babe coming- she felt within 2-4 months, to arrive by the end of 2015. A boy (well, she actually saw THREE total kids- a boy and another girl. They would absolutely have to come as a package deal as BC is adamant about getting snipped after another pregnancy!). Yep. I've gone full circle and am back to finding hope in psychic predictions. I get to.

And so I soldier on… staying mostly quiet in this forum, but weathering the battle of emotions fully on a day to day basis.

How could I NOT want another of these?


  1. Hey - I have been waiting for an update. I know where you are - it is so so so hard to keep waiting, even now when you have one - now you just know what you are missing. That is why my blog has stayed is so hard to share all the details with people in real life, and then have them all know exactly what is going on.
    I hope your battle is over soon and that 2015 brings you another perfect baby (or two!!!)

  2. What a cutie!
    I understand you completely, Jules! While wanting a 2nd baby just as much as a first, this time around there IS at least a baby to have and hold. It still doesn't less AF showing up each month. May you be lucky with #2 sooner, rather than later! And I'm so sorry for your last crazy hormonal cycle.

  3. Wow! She is really too beautiful. I never seen before such awesome family like this. Thanks for sharing nice celebrities