Moving Forward

I am sitting at one of my happy places here in Austin- the Driskill Hotel- having a lovely breakfast at their Cafe 1886. Christmas music is streaming through the speakers as sunlight filters in to illuminate the holiday travelers starting their days. I am indulging in a cappuccino (one shot only!), and luxuriating in the moment.

I feel peace. I feel healing. I feel so ready to move on to this next cycle.

I have always been someone who is able to move on pretty quickly in life. I am a forward thinking planner & dreamer, seldom looking over my shoulder at what is behind me. Seldom having regrets. This wasn't always so hot for my ex-boyfriends when they found themselves quickly replaced, but this trait is boding well for me in the fertility world.

I am so proud of myself for genuinely mourning this loss, feeling that pain, letting that grief and vulnerability bubble up and release. It was cleansing, healing, freeing. I have moved from a shallow feeling of HOPE, always wondering, to a strongly rooted BELIEF this can really happen. This DID happen. This WILL happen again. I know it with every ounce of my body.

I've also healed the sorrow & envy that would trickle in every time I heard someone was pregnant. Now, instead of feeling that these women had something I didn't, I KNOW I can have that too. My body can create life.

Last month, in addition to feeling very zen in my TWW,  I decided to energetically replace the term "TRYING" (to get pregnant), to "ALLOWING." "Trying" feels tight and restricted and fearful, whereas "allowing" is lighter, open, receptive. Those are the qualities that are more apt to bring a little one in.

I was told yesterday by my nurse that I'd had a chemical pregnancy this cycle, which is pretty much a fancy term for a very early miscarriage. This morning my body began its release in full force. I am grateful it is happening on its own so quickly; however, the timing of it is creating some challenging logistics for this next cycle. I feel 100% resolute that I want to move forward with another injectables cycle. In lieu of discouraging me, this month's events have renewed my faith & genuinely energized me. Momentum has built and it would be extremely difficult to take a month off.

Did I mention we leave Friday for 5 days in Kansas with BC's family? Timing wise injectables cycles are started on CD 3, which is Thursday, and that would put me at 6 full days of being unmonitored, which my doctor will not allow.

Thus I spent the morning chatting with my sister-in-law to get a doctor recommendation in Kansas, and was able to find a clinic that can see me on the 26th for monitoring (at 7:30 in the morning. Of course). If my insurance will support this, we'll be a go for full steam ahead. I'll be packing up the Gonal-F pen for a whirlwind vacation with the in-laws.

I've also decided that in the next couple of weeks I am going to:

*Eat lots of sushi
*Eat my steaks medium rare
*Eat soft cheeses
*Indulge in (limited) glasses of red wine
*Take lots of pilates classes

All with the anticipation of (hopefully) having to give these items up again soon. Babycakes will also be happy to hear that for now I can resume taking care of the cat litter. I plan to continue with weekly acupuncture, re-visit D for another energy cleansing, and also check in with Cristy to hear what the little ones were up to with this month's events.

The Quest continues! May 2012 bring Baby Lambert home.

Birthday Bliss and a Princess Dress

What a lovely birthday I had yesterday. A run down of my day went like this (thankfully I had NO set appointments with work, so got to play for most of my day!):

*Rise & shine! Read through Facebook birthday messages (so much love!)
*9:45: breakfast date with my best friend at my favorite coffee shop
*11:30-1: cashed in on several of my birthday gift cards (thanks Mom & Dad!) First stop was Nordstrom Rack for a couple of cute sweaters (I can't believe I just discovered that store in the last year. AMAZING). Then off to Anthropologie where I fell in LOVE with this:

That tutu-esque bottom was pure magic and reminded me of Carrie Bradshaw's dress in the season finale of Sex and the City, which BC and I just happened to be watching the evening prior to my birthday:

And because I got 15% off for my birthday AND had 2 gift certificates to cash in, this dreamy princess dress was actually affordable. Score!

*1:30-2:30: used a LivingSocial coupon I'd gotten months back for a massage
*2:30-5:30: caught up on Facebook work emails
*6:30-8:30: a.ma.zing dinner with BC at Wink restaurant, 5 course chef's dinner- such a treat!

                                                         Happy, happy girl at dinner

I was even gifted with a cool experience in dreamland to top off the day.  I had an out of body experience, where in my 'dream' I drifted through the walls of our bedroom out into the night sky. Above me I saw a beautiful angel outlined. She turned and handed a baby wrapped in a pink blanket to another woman next to her (sort of a caricature in the dream). It was my understanding that I was at once this angel AND this woman, and that the journey of this little one coming had begun.

The perfect ending to a perfect day. 

Break

After the emotional roller-coaster that was last month, I decided we should take a much needed break. And it feels good. Putting away the thermometers, prescriptions, fertility books, calendars- saying goodbye to heat flashes, mood swings, CM checks. Both Babycakes and I feel a big weight has been lifted. We still in our hearts very much want a family, but it feels right to ease off the 'trying' for awhile. Maybe even for the rest of the year. We're in talks to head to Europe in the fall, and the dreaming/planning/imagining is proving to be a lovely distraction!

I picked up a book called "Echoes of the Soul" this past weekend, which really quenched a thirst I had to re-connect with that spiritual part of myself (read it in one sitting, which is SUPER unusual for me!). I am a big believer that we all come into life with certain lessons to learn, and usually the hardest times and biggest challenges are designed to help us grow & heal toward our lifes' journey.

And after our 2nd month of not conceiving, there was a little voice inside me that said this might be a tough road.

 I am someone who is a Type A planner, and when I set my mind to doing something, I am usually successful at it. I was President of my 8th & 12th grade classes. Valedictorian of my high school. Graduated with Honors in college and was chosen to participate in a National Honors Semester in NYC. Was awarded the "Teacher of Promise" award my first year teaching and the "Rookie of the Year" award my first year in Real Estate. I can manifest like the best of them.

Behold my 2011 "Vision Board," created in January. Notice all the 

words/images toward  Baby Manifestation. If I glue-stick it down, they will come!

                              
I am also someone who has LOVED babies & children since as early as I can remember. I was always surrounded by my baby dolls. I had Cabbage Patch families and Barbie families. I wrote endless stories that would all center around a main character- a child- whose mother had many more babies. I started babysitting  at the age of 10. Focused on Child Psychology in college & worked on an infant twin study. Was a full time nanny during college summers and also when I first moved to Austin. I felt a special connection to little ones that exists to this day. Being a mom was ALWAYS something I deeply wanted and assumed would happen- there was absolutely no doubt about it.

So take this deep deep desire to have children and put it with a Type A "if I can control it it will happen" personality, and you get an opportunity for some MAJOR Karmic life lessons. For me, I believe it all revolves around the lessons of "trust" and "letting go." Releasing control & flowing. Ease. Acceptance. Faith. And I think I've finally started to get there. I really had to hit the TTC rock bottom (or at least that is what it felt like!) to get to a place of surrender. My heart is open, and I'm feeling peace about where this journey might take me. Don't get me wrong- I'm not adverse to "picking it up" again, TTC wise, when the timing feels right, and we are not preventing pregnancy.

But for now... a break is just what the doctor ordered.

Schooled by TTC

I figure if I’m going to start a blog, I should share a little history about our TTC (trying to conceive) journey.

First lesson learned: we are OLD in the TTC world (I am 35, hubby 40). Apparently my eggs started rotting when I turned 35, and now getting pregnant becomes more and more like climbing Mt Everest. And I'm not a mountain kinda girl.

2nd lesson:  TTC is a whole new world.  The acronyms! - (found & learned from stalking skimming fertility forums). A cheat-sheet to some commonly used terms that are now part of my vernacular:

AF: Aunt Flo, aka,  time of the month, period
DH: dear husband (or 'babycakes' --'BC'-- if the mood strikes)
CM: cervical mucus
BD: baby dance (aka sex)
CD: cycle day
BFN: big fat negative (as in pregnancy test)
BFP: big fat positive (do these really exist?)
IUI: Intrauterine Insemination
IVF: In Vitro Fertilization
2WW: two week wait (after ovulation- to see if you are preggers or not)
DPO: days past ovulation
OPK: ovulation predictor kit
SA: Semen analysis
BBT: Basal body temperature

What I have tried:

*Acupuncture
   ---over a years’ worth, 2 different practitioners. Allegedly my Liver & Kidney are jerks & need more chi
*Charting my BBT
   ---started this 6 months before we even began TTC- b/c obviously! We’d get pregnant right away! Abruptly stopped charting after 2nd month not getting knocked up- threw charts away in a crying rage, declaring that charting + my Type A personality were NOT meant to be.
*Monitoring CM & using OPKs
   ---I got really good at this- had everything down to a science. 3 days after fertile CM I would ovulate, and 14 days later AF would systematically show her ugly face
*Talking to psychics
   ---who have assured me there is a little girl waiting to come to us. Apparently she is in no rush. Awesome.
*Eating a Mediterranean diet. Eating high fat dairy. Cutting out dairy. Cutting out coffee. Drinking green tea. Eating green vegetables. You get the idea.
*Vitamins & supplements, to include Goji Juice, Evening Primrose Oil, Vitamin B, Pre-natal vitamins, magnesium, fish oil pills, flax seed pills, zinc
*Not trying. Going on vacation!
*Committing and TOTALLY trying again
*Myofasial work
*Chiropractic work
*Massages
*Energy work
*2 rounds Clomid,1 Femera
*Clomid + IUI (one try)
*Meditating
*Painting the future baby’s room
*Elevating my hips & staying there for an hour after BD
*Wearing fertility charms
*Using sperm friendly lube
*Taking Mucinex to increase fertile CM
*Going to a fertility specialist.....to be told our chance of conceiving's uplifting odds are 1-3%/month naturally. Woot!

Tests I/we have done:

*CD 3 & CD 20 blood tests (all normal)
*HSG (Hysterosalpingogram- a test where they shoot dye into your uterus to see if your tubes are open.) Which, b/c I have NO pain tolerance whatsoever and am a total wimp, I prepped for with a xanax AND half a vicodin. Don’t judge. Tubes were open, uterus a bit narrow, but overall I'm good to go.
*Countless monthly sonograms to monitor follicle growth & check for cysts. I feel like our fertility doc is getting more action than my husband these days. Sorry Babycakes.
*DH had SA, which showed extremely high counts, but lower motility. We joke that his swimmers are drunk. B/c of the high numbers, it isn’t too big of a concern. We also know his troops “work” based on a donation he did that resulted in an amazing baby boy.

The one doozy I haven’t yet done is the laparoscopy, where they cut you open make 3  incisions into your abdomen to “look around” for endometriosis, fibroids, scarring, etc. This is a little like the old Chicken and the Egg- do we keep paying for interventions when there might be undiagnosed endometriosis? Or do we pay $2000 for the laparoscopy, knowing that they might not find ANYTHING?

(Unsolicited) Advice I have gotten:

*Relax
*Stop “trying” and it will happen (a personal fav)
*Why don’t you adopt?
*Life’s hard
*Do this chant to connect with your unborn child
*Meditate
*Exercise more
*Drink/eat/take “” (insert endless string of items here)
*Trust that it WILL happen (often said by folks who got pregnant on the first try or have never TTC)

Every month is a new game. Sometimes I feel hopeful, other times utterly hopeless.

Roll out the red carpet- AF is on her way!

More spotting & cramping. AF is most definitely on her way. Took a pregnancy test in the morning just for punishment good measure. BFN. Sat for 2 ½ hours waiting for the car shop to troubleshoot yesterday’s car alert lights.

Today’s attitude? Screw babies. Maybe I am not evolutionarily meant to have them. If things happen for a reason, then isn’t this NOT getting pregnant after almost TWO years of trying reason to believe I shouldn’t have babies? 

Told hubby over dinner that maybe we should just take time off. Plan another trip to Europe. Drink and be merry. Admittedly this attitude might change tomorrow, but that is how I feel today. Pissed. Defeated. And very, very sad. Because at the end of the day, I want a baby more than anything in this world.

22 months- but who's counting?

Today I am pissed.
Pissed that we’ve been trying to have a baby for 22 months now.
Pissed that I started spotting which means that the $600 fancy schmancy “let’s hope THIS does it!” intra-uterine insemination procedure didn’t work.
Pissed b/c the hormones in the clomid I’ve been taking for months are making me nuts.
Pissed b/c on my way to visit a friend who'd just had a baby (AND got pregnant on the first try.  Like everyone else around me) I stopped by a baby clothing store to get a gift. The sales clerk, as she is 15 minutes into carefully wrapping the presents, says to me:
“Do you have children?.”
      (Oh no- here we go)
“No."
     (Is it just me or is it suddenly 200 degrees in here? Damn clomid)
“You really should. I highly recommend it. My mom always told me not to have babies, but I did, and it is amazing…..”
I bit my lip, willing myself not to lose my s***. What I wanted to say was:
“Lady- I WANT babies. In fact, I’ve been trying to have babies for 2 years now, with no luck. Apparently, it is NOT that easy to do. Why don't you shove that pink bow where the sun doesn't shine? And are you F'in done wrapping that present yet??” 

Then, not 5 minutes after I left, 3 new car alert lights flick on. Awesome. I had just gotten my oil changed/tires rotated this morning, so now what?

Let's visit a baby.