Break

After the emotional roller-coaster that was last month, I decided we should take a much needed break. And it feels good. Putting away the thermometers, prescriptions, fertility books, calendars- saying goodbye to heat flashes, mood swings, CM checks. Both Babycakes and I feel a big weight has been lifted. We still in our hearts very much want a family, but it feels right to ease off the 'trying' for awhile. Maybe even for the rest of the year. We're in talks to head to Europe in the fall, and the dreaming/planning/imagining is proving to be a lovely distraction!

I picked up a book called "Echoes of the Soul" this past weekend, which really quenched a thirst I had to re-connect with that spiritual part of myself (read it in one sitting, which is SUPER unusual for me!). I am a big believer that we all come into life with certain lessons to learn, and usually the hardest times and biggest challenges are designed to help us grow & heal toward our lifes' journey.

And after our 2nd month of not conceiving, there was a little voice inside me that said this might be a tough road.

 I am someone who is a Type A planner, and when I set my mind to doing something, I am usually successful at it. I was President of my 8th & 12th grade classes. Valedictorian of my high school. Graduated with Honors in college and was chosen to participate in a National Honors Semester in NYC. Was awarded the "Teacher of Promise" award my first year teaching and the "Rookie of the Year" award my first year in Real Estate. I can manifest like the best of them.

Behold my 2011 "Vision Board," created in January. Notice all the 

words/images toward  Baby Manifestation. If I glue-stick it down, they will come!

                              
I am also someone who has LOVED babies & children since as early as I can remember. I was always surrounded by my baby dolls. I had Cabbage Patch families and Barbie families. I wrote endless stories that would all center around a main character- a child- whose mother had many more babies. I started babysitting  at the age of 10. Focused on Child Psychology in college & worked on an infant twin study. Was a full time nanny during college summers and also when I first moved to Austin. I felt a special connection to little ones that exists to this day. Being a mom was ALWAYS something I deeply wanted and assumed would happen- there was absolutely no doubt about it.

So take this deep deep desire to have children and put it with a Type A "if I can control it it will happen" personality, and you get an opportunity for some MAJOR Karmic life lessons. For me, I believe it all revolves around the lessons of "trust" and "letting go." Releasing control & flowing. Ease. Acceptance. Faith. And I think I've finally started to get there. I really had to hit the TTC rock bottom (or at least that is what it felt like!) to get to a place of surrender. My heart is open, and I'm feeling peace about where this journey might take me. Don't get me wrong- I'm not adverse to "picking it up" again, TTC wise, when the timing feels right, and we are not preventing pregnancy.

But for now... a break is just what the doctor ordered.