Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Zen and the Art of TTC Maintenance
The old familiar AF type cramps started this evening. I am supposed to do a blood test tomorrow to see if we got pregnant this month, but b/c I loathe blood tests so much part of me really wants to just ditch it and 'wait and see.' You know, like how regular fertile people do it? Where you wait until you've missed a period and do a non-invasive pee test to confirm everything?
I've been very zen this cycle. I haven't obsessed over what DPO I am, and have not taken any pregnancy tests. I think part of me has wanted to prolong the "what IF?" as long as possible. Let myself dwell in the possibility- the positivity- of maybe being pregnant. But these cramps are definitely suspect, and make me even grumpier about tomorrow's scheduled blood test.
And also? I totally want to cut my boobs off. They are SO sore it is absolutely ridiculous. To the point where I can't even hug BC without wincing. Sadly I cannot count this as a possible pregnancy symptom, b/c this pain started before I even ovulated-- full on Gonal-F boobs.
I had a dream a couple of nights ago where I was caring for a newborn baby (it wasn't clear if the baby was mine or not, but I was definitely in charge of its' care). The baby communicated to me that it wanted red beans. I was confused and told the baby it should really want milk. When I awoke, I was obsessed with the idea that maybe I was supposed to eat red beans? (I have been - sorry TMI- awfully constipated lately). So when I arrived at my local coffee shop for a breakfast date, I promptly ordered beans as my side dish. Upon their arrival I took a HUGE bite and totally burnt the s*** out of my mouth.
I feel like the Universe is really having a field day with me lately. It seems like every time I try to find meaning & hope in the TTC world, I get burned. There is a Real Estate adage pertaining to folks who are hesitant to work with someone who in the past has led them astray. It goes: "Have you ever burnt your mouth on an piece of pizza?" (cue most folks nodding yes). "Well, will you ever eat pizza again?"
That's how I feel. No matter how many times I get burned, I will continue to look for hope in the little things. Like dreams. And psychic predictions. And drawing out the TWW for as long as humanly possible. It's how I pick myself up month after month and persevere in the face of such difficult adversity. And I do learn from every experience. This month's lesson? Cool my beans and continue to remain as zen as possible about the whole TTC experience.
Can I have an "Om?!"