1 in 3: The Game of Numbers

When I first met with my new IVF clinic last July, the doctor there told me I had a 1 in 3 chance of conceiving through IVF. That's around a 33% shot, and was actually higher than the measly 20% odds I was given at my first clinic during my initial IVF round (which didn't result in a pregnancy).

I ended up producing 14 eggs, 12 of which were mature, 7 of which fertilized. On my 40th birthday, we opted to transfer all 3 embryos that looked ready- as we had been told at my age, 1 in 3 embryos would be genetically and chromosomally sound. We did waffle quite a bit between transferring 2 or 3, and ultimately went for 3 such that we wouldn't have any regrets if a pregnancy did not ensue. They gave me a 45% change of pregnancy with the two, up to 50% with 3 (based on quality)- which was the highest odds I'd EVER gotten. None of the remaining embryos being watched made it to freeze, so this was truly our one and only shot at growing our family.

At 9 days past my 5 day transfer (the equivalent of 14 days past ovulation)- I had a very healthy, strong pregnancy beta reading of 404. This number doubled to 891 two days later, and BC and I were super curious to see how many of the embryos had taken. My pants were already feeling quite tight and I had a noticeable bump developing, so we were suspicious there could be more than one in there.

This was taken at 5 weeks- I didn't have a bump like this until I was closer to 12-13 weeks with Iyla!

My first monitoring exam was scheduled for 6 weeks. I knew that it would likely be too early to hear any heartbeats, but BC and I expected we'd walk away from the appointment knowing how many babies were developing. I opted to have the monitoring done at my local clinic so BC could be there. 

The appointment was…. confusing. As the doctor moved his sonogram wand around, he started counting the sacs he saw…. one…. two….. and then THREE. I literally blurted out "NO!" as I knew that meant all 3 embryos had implanted. Yes, this was a risk we had run transferring 3 embryos, but never anything we fathomed could possibly occur. Further probing showed that 1 of the 3 sacs was much smaller than the other two, and the doctor surmised it would likely not develop. He said he saw what looked to be a fetal pole and yoke sac in the first sac and suspected a heartbeat there, and maaaybe saw a yoke sac in the 2nd larger sac. There was nothing conclusive; BC and I left that appointment joking we had "1 maybe 3" babies in there, and just hoping that we'd hear one strong heartbeat the following week.

I opted to drive to Houston for my 7 week check up, as I wanted the expertise of my IVF doctor at this all important visit. I also hadn't seen him since my initial monitoring, as he was out of the office during my egg retrieval and embryo transfer.

As the sonogram wand moved around he landed first on the smallest of the 3 sacs. He said there WAS a yoke sac in there (holy shit!) but that given its size, it would likely not develop into anything viable. Then he moved to the 1st of the larger sacs. Lo and behold, there was a baby in there measuring at exactly 7 weeks with a strong 123 heart rate! I now held my breath as he moved the wand again…. and there it was. In the 2nd large sac was another baby, measuring 7w1d, with another strong 119 heart rate.

Twins.

I was, quite literally, in shock. The doctor told me that at this time, there was an 80% chance both babies would continue developing to birth. 

Shock and terror were the emotions that encircled me that first day of getting the news. Of course we knew that twins could be a possibility, but we never thought it would actually happen. I worried about Iyla, and how adding two new babies would affect her life. I worried about finances, as adding two new family members would definitely take a toll, both in equipment and overall care. I worried about my body- I am a petite 5'2 girl- how would I do carrying two babies? Would I need to be put on bed rest? Would the babies come early and have to spend time in the NICU? How would I breastfeed TWO babies? And on and on it went. BC was in a very similar place- when I called to tell him the news, there was deafening silence on the other end of the phone. Also shock and terror. This is the space we lived in for the first few days.

And then, slowly but surely, a tickle of magical excitement began to creep into our hearts. TWINS. What an amazing gift to be given, and how incredible it would be to watch the unique bond of two babies growing up together! I would get my dream family of 3 children after all. It seemed too good to be true, and I felt a sense of peace and completion unlike any I've ever experienced. Don't get me wrong, I was still super nervous about the realities of growing, birthing, and caring for two babies at once- but the excitement started to eclipse the worry. 

At my 8 week monitoring appointment here in Austin, both babies still looked amazing. Baby A measured at 8w1d, Baby B at 8w- both with strong 169 heartbeats. The doctor said there was now a 95% chance they would both continue to birth, and everything started feeling VERY real. I ordered a few books on multiples and started researching equipment we'd need. I joined twin mom forums and introduced myself. BC and I talked about the two little buddies in my belly, and started throwing out different names. We talked logistics with their nursery, about who would come to help upon their arrival, and planned a financial date to talk further about budget. We were having TWINS! We shared with family and close friends and were excited to graduate to my regular doc for our 10 week appointment.

This was my belly at 8w2d, about as big as I was with Iyla at 17-18 weeks

The day of my 10 week appointment came. BC and I were looking forward to meeting up with our beloved local clinic- the team who had delivered our sweet Iyla. It would be such a special pregnancy journey to share with them.

We got into the ultrasound room and began the appointment. The tech was moving the wand all around, and I caught a glimpse of Baby A on the monitor. She kept moving the wand, and I couldn't help but notice when she got to Baby B, she kind of quickly moved past, and as she did I saw that this baby looked quite a bit smaller than Baby A. She measured Baby A and said it was measuring right on track at 10w1 day, with a strong 168 heartbeat. She kept moving the wand around and around and around, saying she was taking extra measurements of my uterus.

After a little more time went by, she said "I'm so sorry, but I can't find a heartbeat in Baby B, who is only measuring at 8w1d." 

Silence. Shock.

There was nowhere in my periphery where I even considered this a possibility- to lose one of the babies after our 8 week appointment when we were told there was a 95% probability they would continue on toward coming home with us in July.

Then the shock was joined by deep, deep grief- which completely shook me and quite honestly surprised me. In an instant this dream we'd been envisioning of twin babies- who had both been growing beautifully in my belly- was gone. There wouldn't be twins. There wouldn't be a family of 3. I hadn't realized how attached I'd already gotten to this idea and to each of these babies. 

And of course, there was deep fear for the remaining Baby A. Who was to say that this baby wouldn't also suddenly stop developing just.like.that? Everything felt so fragile and unsure. I'd gone from a strong, thriving twin pregnancy to a shaky, uncertain place. 

I was told it was very likely Baby A would be just fine, and indeed have heard many tales of the "vanishing twin," where one twin stops developing early in pregnancy and the other continues to develop to full term (the baby that passes typically stays in the uterus and just gets reabsorbed by the body). I read that the time frame between 8-10 weeks is an extra sensitive time for chromosomal abnormalities to reveal themselves, and that many women hear a heartbeat at 8 weeks, only to have the baby stop developing shortly thereafter. Why hadn't anyone prepared me for this possibility? All I had heard was the  95% chance they will both continue to birth- which sounded like a pretty sure thing to me.

Today I am 10w4d… and as far as I know, still pregnant. But terrified of losing the one baby remaining. The sweet midwife at my clinic told me I could come in every single day to hear a heartbeat if I needed to- and for now, we have appointments scheduled at 12 and 14 weeks for reassurance, and I may just stop by next week at 11 weeks to check in.

The deep grief kept hold of me for a solid 2 days, and now with each passing day I am feeling a little better. Quite honestly there is a sense of EASE that comes with re-thinking this as a singleton pregnancy (which I am sure is part of my coping mechanism). I've been there, done that. I have all the equipment. My body knows how to handle and birth one baby. Our finances won't be stretched nearly as far, and we can truly dote on our two children and give them everything. 

I am trying so hard to trust in this baby still inside me… to believe that he/she is meant to be here and is our 1 in 3 fighter. More than ever, BC and I are so glad we ended up transferring all 3 embryos, as who is to say which one of the three was THE one? Obviously the other two played the odds and had something not quite right in their development; now we hold out hope that this baby still growing- this ONE- out of 14 eggs, out of 7 embryos, out of 3 transferred- is our take-home baby. The completion of our family.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't on pins and needles about it all. I hope with each week that passes I'll have more reassurance in this pregnancy and start to be able to really enjoy it. BC feels strongly this baby is our warrior- the one meant to come to us. I am leaning on that for now, as my faith has definitely been shaken. There really isn't any 'frou' to be found in all of this; rather, it seems an act of pure odds- of science and biology.

In the last week Iyla has started snuggling my belly and saying hello to the baby in there…. it is beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. We all so dearly want this little one to grow and thrive. 

And the quest continues….

Names and Numbers

Babycakes and I have always loved the name Iyla and had it in our 'future baby' repertoire for years. I can't remember how we arrived at it, save for it fit BC's request for an alliterative name (starting with or containing the letter "L").

The traditional way of spelling Iyla is "ISLA." We went back and forth a lot about which way to spell her name... and the pros and cons went like this:

ISLA (Scottish- means "an island")
Pros:
*Looks beautiful and feminine
Cons:
*More common
*Might be mispronounced "IS-la"
*Don't love the meaning

IYLA (Indian, Sanskrit for "moonlight")
Pros:
*More phonetic & easier to pronounce
*Sentimental meaning, as she was conceived on a full moon and BC and I have a longstanding joke that I am the sunshine & he is my moonshine

The ironic thing is that so many people are getting her name wrong, despite the spelling we thought would be easiest. We had not anticipated the challenges of computer font... which more times than not makes the capital "I" look like an "L." We keep having people think her name is LY-la. C'est la vie. I do still love the way "Isla" looks, but the meaning & uniqueness of "Iyla" definitely tipped the scales.

Don't you call me Lyla! And why is this sleep sack so huge?

For as long as I can remember, 8 and 12 have always been my 'lucky' numbers. 8 had an easy explanation- it was my birth date AND it was infinity. Now 12? Couldn't explain it, it just was.

Allow me for a moment to go into my frou-frou ways. Right before I got pregnant the first time (that ended in a miscarriage)- I had a really strong sense that the 8 and 12 would have some kind of meaning for our little one. Sure enough, the first pregnancy due date was around August 12th, 2012 (8-12-12). And then Ms. Iyla Grace decided to arrive ahead of schedule, and chose 11-12-12 as her birth date, born at 8:44pm. That stuff does not go unnoticed in my world! Also? I was married in 2008, and became a mother in 2012... two extremely huge life transitions.

Oddly enough the numerology of our current home (as well as our last home together) is the number 8. You arrive at it by adding up all of the numbers of your home address... so 2213 is 2+2+1+3 = 8. The 8 is known to hold the vibration of wealth & success. Upon first viewing our current home I noticed the "money" corner of the Bagua Map was missing- and indeed the builder was already losing money on it! Upon moving in we quickly purchased a stone water fountain to symbolically fill in that space & generate life (lots of birds and squirrels!) and energy (flowing water). You better bet I'm keeping that fountain filled!

Sam and Iyla looking out the back french doors toward our fountain. 

How can I not look at these guys and feel completely full of abundance? 

See Spot, Run

I am definitely suffering from what I call Newly Pregnant Paranoid Syndrome. Having tried for so long to get pregnant, every twitch, every pain, can be grounds for paranoia.

Take yesterday morning. When I awoke and used the restroom, I noticed light brown spotting when I wiped. Cue me to thinking OMG I AM HAVING A MISCARRIAGE! I took a deep breath and did what any psychotic reasonable girl would do- ferociously googled "spotting in early pregnancy" and reading every.single.thing I could possibly find on the subject. I also put in a call to Dr. Vaughn's office.

Consensus? Totally normal. Brown means old blood, and spotting is super common in early pregnancy. In fact Dr. V's nurse said 3/4ths of her patients have early pregnancy spotting. The cause for concern would be if it turns to red blood and/or is accompanied by extremely severe cramping (neither was the case for me).  I had done a full Ashtanga yoga practice the night before Spot showed up (felt great to my body at the time) which may have loosened some old blood and been the culprit. Believe you me I am going to be laying off the more rigorous exercise for awhile! Saggy butt or spotty pants... *sigh*

This morning I was THRILLED when no spotting was to be found... and hope dear old Spot stays away for the remainder of my journey. I realize he may come and go, but every bathroom visit with a clean wipe is now grounds for excessive celebration.

I am 5 weeks, 5 days pregnant today- and my symptoms are still pretty much the same. Very sore boobs (which by golly I do believe have filled in a bit!), feeling a little more tired than normal, and still freakishly waking up at the crack of dawn. What IS that? I have always slept until 7:30-8 daily, and now I am up around 6-6:30 and unable to get back to sleep. Perhaps it is my body slowly easing me into getting used to less sleep?

And here are my final 4 pictures for March's Photo Challenge:

Day #28 -COZY:

Lying with my love in Central Park, enjoying the soft grass 
(which is an anomaly here in Texas)

Day #29- CUT:

Flashback to my laparoscopic surgery. 

No more endo for this girl!

Day # 30-  ORANGE:

I absolutely LOVE fires & fireplaces. Unfortuantely, our home does not have one, which is something I've lamented since the day we bought it (yes, yes- I know you don't NEED a fireplace in the hot Texas climate, but there is something so cozy & comforting about them that I can't get over). We found this electric fireplace at a Wimberely store, and I am a bit obsessed with it. To the point where I asked our architect- who is also a Feng Shui expert- if this addition to our living room would bode well for our chi? Apparently NO- it will 'burn up' the family area bagua. 
I remain undeterred!

Day #31- COMPLETE:

This is a drawing I did back in December of 2010- hoping, praying that this would manifest for me. Complete. : )

Stretch (March Photo Challenge, Day 18)

I was relaxing at home yesterday when Irene, the woman who cleans our cottages, came by. Making polite conversation, we chatted for awhile, leading up to the inevitable question of whether BC and I had any kids?

"Uh, not yet.... we're working on that. How about you?" 

"Well, I lost 2 babies. I tried to have children for years, then lost one when I was 3 months pregnant. Seven years later I lost another pregnancy very early, then wasn't ever able to get pregnant again."

Awkward silence as I contemplate how to respond.

"Well, actually BC and I have been trying ourselves for almost 3 years, and just lost a pregnancy in December. I totally understand the journey."

"I lost both my pregnancies in December too!"

And thus the sisterhood of infertility continues, reminding me again how unexpectedly extensive this community is.  Every woman has a story, and behind every woman's story is immense strength.

Speaking of women's stories, remember my friend who got pregnant last November on her first IVF cycle, that sadly became an ectopic pregnancy? This lady has truly been through the ringer- not only did she have a rough initial go of it, but she and her husband were having to pay for every procedure completely out of pocket, and this fertility stuff sure ain't cheap. 

She was finally cleared to have her FET (frozen embryo transfer) at the beginning of this month, and just learned that she is PREGNANT! And her numbers are amazing. Whereas in November her first beta was on the low side at 38, this time around her first draw came in at 535, her 2nd at 1214!! We are all wondering if there might be two little ones cooking in there, given the strong HCG levels. Please send prayers her way for a healthy pregnancy.

The interesting thing is, when she first found out that IVF was her and her husband's only option to have children, I had a very vivid dream. In the dream, she was very pregnant, and I either wasn't pregnant yet, or was not showing yet. After her miscarriage last November, I then got pregnant in December, and wondered about the validity of the dream. Then I too miscarried, and now she is back to blazing the trail, carrying the pregnancy torch for us- and I sincerely hope our good news is on its way as well. 

**************************

And for today's photo challenge subject, "Stretch," I bring you morning yoga with BC & Mr. Otis:

The Kardashians to the Rescue

I had a doozy of a day yesterday.

Admittedly, I woke up frustrated and angry. A last minute canceling of plans the previous day was still stewing with me energetically, and as I made my breakfast, I tried to dissect and release those feelings.

Then I spent the bulk of the day being micro-managed & insulted (unnecessarily, I might add) by an agent I am currently working with. The interactions were so intense that upon an 11am phone conversation with said agent, I got an instant ocular migraine. I just loathe when another person splatters their 'stuff' onto me, and am always disappointed in myself when that 'stuff' seeps in, coloring my entire day with stressful shades of melancholic gray.

I've also been totally out of tune with my cycle this month. When I got my typical signs that ovulation should be 2-3 days out - around cycle days 14-15 - I started taking my OPK tests. They never turned positive. As cd19 and 20 rolled around,  I decided to temp in the morning and discovered I had elevated temperatures. Historically this means ovulation has already occurred- but when? I am wondering if perhaps I didn't ovulate at all this month- and if I did, I totally missed the mark. Not entirely surprised my body is a bit out of whack, due to all the hormones, a pregnancy, AND a miscarriage that happened within a 30 day period last month.

I have been having mild heat flashes again in the past week, and had an intense need (don't laugh) to make chocolate chip cookies 2 nights ago. These were some of the suspicious signs from last month, so of course deep inside I remain hopeful for this cycle. Only time will tell, and now that I have no idea where I am in my cycle, I'll have no idea when to expect AF.

2012 is definitely highlighting the lesson that there is a higher plan & power at work, and that I need to continue to work on releasing CONTROL. And release it with abundant amounts of self-compassion & trust. I've started working on cutting out words & pictures for this year's vision board, and find that I am being drawn to words like "release," "flow," "discover," "allow," "inspire," etc. All words pertaining to softening & opening, being more gentle with myself.

So last night before bed, I ran a sea salt bath with the conscious intention of releasing all negative feelings from the day into those waters. I may or may not have also written the agent's name from earlier that day on a piece of paper with a few added choice words and burned it in a nearby candle (hey, I'm only human). As I fell asleep, I deliberately opened my heart space toward the agent, working on feeling forgiveness & release while requesting that I grow & learn from today's events. What else can you do?

And my subconscious gave me a lovely escape in dreamland: I got to hang out in the Kardashians' mansion, eating delicious foods, laughing, feeling tickled that I was allowed there. A perfect, silly contrast to an otherwise crappy day.

Christmas 2011 Recap

Babycakes and I had a fabulous Holiday filled with family, friends, cocktails & way too many sweets (as it should be!) I used this month's fertility events as an excuse to 1) buy myself a marvelous pair of ankle boots (I did officially & inappropriately call them my miscarriage boots) and 2) indulge in adult beverages.

I didn't have my camera with me while we were in Kansas, but was able to snap a few shots with the good 'ole iPhone. Here, our first night in town for our "Siblings Night Out" with all the kids:

  The 3 Jules! My sister in law Julie to the left, & Lance's sister Julie to the right

                          The Jules' men: BC, Ricco, & Chad (BC's brother)

After a fun Christmas Eve Day bowling match with the entire family (where little Brady won the Yule Tide Cup for best bowling score!) we attended my sister-in-law's mother's party. Our 3 nephews Jake, Brady, & Nick adore their uncle Mike (Jules' brother) and wanted to emulate his chef's towel-over-the-shoulder action. Little Nick (who is 2 1/2) at one point came running up to Jules and I with a towel in his hand. Not knowing what to do with it, Jules folded it and handed it back to him. He threw a royal FIT until someone suggested maybe he was wanting it over his shoulder. SUCCESS!

                                      The mini-chefs and their Uncle Mike

Christmas Day we all headed over to BC's childhood home for an amazingly delicious brunch followed by our present exchange. After presents, the ladies retreated to the dining room to learn the card game "Phase 10" (I won!!) while the men snoozed in various corners of the living room. During this time, my cousin Heather sent me this photo from my family's celebration in Houston:

This is my sister-in-law Jeannine & Aunt Sheri making fun of me. They are emulating a yoga pose BC's sister and I often do for photos when together. Not to be outdone, Christie and I turned the camera on ourselves and returned with these:

        Yes, we are twinkies. And Christie is definitely WAY more flexible than I am!

Later that night BC's mom got out big bins of old family photos for everyone to look through. BC is the eldest of 7 children, all who grew up in the very home we were at (how cool and special is that?) Here is one of my favs of BC as a little one, with 3 of his eventual 6 siblings:

BC is the oh so adorable one on the left. Such a cute toddler- I hope our little ones inherit some of that delicious-ness!

Our last night in town we stayed at a hotel on the Plaza Square near downtown KC. We had a fantastic dinner together, re-capping our favorite moments of the trip, then met his sister & her partner out for a nightcap. Before heading to the airport the next day, I got my shop on at H&M. I always have to hit that store whenever we travel, and am rooting for one to open in our hometown!

We felt very loved & supported during the entire trip, having chosen to openly share the recent pregnancy & miscarriage events with everyone. I am so grateful to have inherited such a wonderful family, and look forward to sharing these sorts of Holiday festivities with our own future little ones!

Playing the Odds

In each Injectables cycle, there is a 25% chance of achieving pregnancy.

I've often thought about the moment when I'd get my first positive pregnancy test (BFP). I imagined lots of happy tears, Babycakes picking me up in a huge bear hug and dancing me around.

It was sort of like that.

The morning I was to get my blood test (14 days past ovulation- or "DPO"), I took a home pregnancy test, mostly so I could see the negative result and try to get out of giving blood. Imagine my surprise when I saw this:

                                Extremely light, but definitely there!! Kind of hard to see in this picture.

I had read enough to know there was no such thing as a false positive, no matter how light it was! I was literally shaking as I put on my makeup in record speed. I had never in my life been so excited to go give blood. I yelled out a quick "I think I saw something REALLY promising!" to BC as I ran out the door.

I went back to Snake Eyes' clinic, and she was no where to be seen! The lady who drew me was AMAZING and it hardly hurt at all. This was to be a good day! Babycakes was already calling me to find out what had happened that morning, and we both anxiously awaited the results call from the fertility clinic.

I went through my day in a numb, excited blur. I could hardly believe this might be IT! I flashed back to some of the suspicious signs I'd been having the last few days- the constant mild heat flashes, extreme constipation (sorry again-TMI!), bloody noses, and yes, even the insanely sore boobs. I went around the house all day with my phone glued to my side, not taking any other calls for fear the fertility clinic might call while I was on the line.

My friend who also works with this clinic told me I should be able to call in for blood test results myself anytime after 1:30. So with my heart racing, around 3pm I dialed in. And was transferred to MY nurse (oh promising!) whose voice intonation sounded good.

"Jules, how are you?"

"Hopeful!"

"Well, you are definitely definitely pregnant."

Cue me silently mouthing Holy S***!!!!!! For the first time in my life, and after 2 1/2 years of trying, I was finally pregnant. Holy holy s***.

"Your HCG is at 28, which is a tad low. We want you to do another test in 2 days to see what your numbers look like then."

A tad low? What? I had just witnessed my friend go through a pretty rough experience (the one who got pregnant on her IVF cycle). She very sadly ended up with an ectopic pregnancy. She too had a low HCG number initially- but her number had been even higher than mine.

Looking for reassurance, I asked the nurse if she saw women with my kinds of numbers go on to have healthy pregnancies. She replied "I've seen it go both ways. I just want to prepare you." She explained that we wanted to see the HCG number at least double on my next test, showing there was growth occurring.

So there I was. The buoyant joy I felt earlier in the day took on a very guarded, heavy tone. Yes, I was pregnant. But my numbers weren't good. Of course I googled everything I could find on the subject, and it seemed like most women's first HCG counts were in the 100's. My nurse said they prefer to see them "at least 50" on an initial draw. And thus began a torturous waiting game.

When BC got home from work I told him the news that we were indeed pregnant, and he was SO excited! He did pick me up and swing me around (ouch- boobs!) and kissed me with so much sweet passion. It hurt my heart a bit seeing how genuinely overjoyed he was, knowing we were treading on some delicate ground.

We elected to tell a select few people about our news. It was a strange way to share, having to instantly insert the caveat "but our numbers are low so please send prayers and good energy our way." We decided to tell my parents, since we wanted them on board with the prayer chain, and they were OVER.THE.MOON. Saying this was the best Christmas news they could have hoped to receive!

The next morning (15 DPO) I took another home pregnancy test, and my line was darker than the day before! Super promising- as I knew that these tests measured HCG levels, so there must have been growth there! I spent the day talking and singing to that little Baby Bean, telling him/her that we absolutely wanted them to STAY and GROW! I barely slept that night with all the praying I was doing. I allowed myself to go through the day really believing this could happen. I dusted off the "What to Expect When You're Expecting Book" I'd hidden years before. I imagined the moment we'd get to tell BC's family at Christmas that another baby was on its way! His sisters' little one would have a cousin right around the same age!

Over the age of 35, it is believed that there is a 20% chance of miscarriage

 in the first 4 weeks of pregnancy.

On the morning of my next blood draw (16 DPO), I did 2 more home pregnancy tests to *hopefully* see that positive line getting even darker. It was hard to deny that on one test the line was lighter than yesterday, on another it was hardly there. My heart sank. More frantic googling ensued, and I found reassurance from ladies who noted that those tests can be extremely affected by how much water you've drank, the time of day you test, etc. I had to hold on to hope. Many ladies seemed to have had this happen and went on to have healthy pregnancies.

After the blood draw I had a Psychic Development class from 11-5 with a girlfriend of mine. During a break I saw that the fertility clinic had left a voicemail, and I thought my heart might beat out of my chest. I decided to wait until I got home to listen to the message with BC, b/c I knew if it was bad news there was NO way I could get through the rest of the class.

Because the nature of the class was training us to better hear our intuition, angels, guides, etc, I was "in the zone." And when I checked in with myself, asking if this pregnancy would continue, I immediately heard in my head "I'll be back" (and no, not in an Arnold Schwarzenegger voice).

My ego did NOT want to hear this! So I replied back with the thought "we want you to STAY with us! Please stay!" And then I heard "yes mama." Again, my ego wanted to believe this was the little one saying that YES he/she would stay, and that the whole "I'll be back" I heard initially was a fluke. I needed to believe that there was some free will involved, even with this little one.

After class I raced home and summoned BC to come listen to the voicemail with me. Very anticlimactic, since the nurse had left a message to page her for the news. More torturous waiting!

BC and I headed out to dinner and I again kept my phone glued to my side. It rang just as BC's wine & my water had arrived. I immediately did not like the intonation of this nurse, and for good reason. She said my blood test showed my HCG had actually gone down to 25, when what we were looking for was for it to at least double. Not good news at all. They wanted me to do one more blood test on CD 18 to confirm what they suspected, that this was not a viable pregnancy. I thought that was a pretty mean thing to layer onto the news- "oh, and we want you to give blood AGAIN just so we can tell you AGAIN this ain't gonna work. "

I had many questions.

Had she ever seen anyone with these results go on to have an HCG rise and a healthy pregnancy? 

Once. In her 19 years. She wanted us to prepare ourselves.

When would my body release the pregnancy (miscarry?)


The HCG has to get back down to zero, which can take anywhere from a week to a month.

Will my body resolve this on its own?


Maybe. If not there is a shot they can give to induce the release, otherwise surgery may be needed.

I then waved the waitress over and told her to bring me a glass of whatever wine BC was drinking. I flashed back to the little one saying "yes mama" to my wanting her to stay, and wondered if she had meant "yes mama, I do know that you want me to stay."

We were in public, and had to have our game faces on. We were so, so sad. And I was so, so mad that we had even shared this news with anyone. Because now we had to share the updated news, in essence re-living it over and over with each person we'd told. Lesson learned there, and now I totally get why people wait for that 12 week marker. It's a tough call, as we are pretty open, but man, it sucks to have to report to the troops that "oops, sorry. Just kidding about that whole baby coming on August 24th thing. Hope you didn't get your hopes up."

In the midst of our sadness, we tried to focus on the positive that would come out of this. We now knew we could get pregnant. We were grateful, if this was NOT to be a viable pregnancy, that it ended as early as it possibly could, and not many weeks further along. We were grateful to have been pregnant at all through the injectables, vs. having gotten a negative result. If my body now recognized how to do this, surely it could do it again. My tubes must work! Our 'stuff' works! And on the spiritual level, we now know without a shadow of a doubt that someone is coming. That I am no longer blocked. This little one was ready to come but for some reason the genetics weren't quite right this round.

It is also interesting to me how each of us needs to mourn and cope in different ways. For BC, it was meeting out guy friends for drinks, where he could just talk politics and lose himself in not thinking about the last few days for awhile. For me it was calling a girlfriend up and bawling my eyes out. Then calling my mom and bawling my eyes out. Then holding my kitties and bawling my eyes out. And upon BC returning home, holding him and bawling my eyes out once more.

Less than 5 percent of women have two consecutive miscarriages, and only 1 percent have three or more consecutive miscarriages. Miscarriage is usually a one-time occurrence. Most women who miscarry go on to have a healthy pregnancy.

Today? I do feel a sense of peace. I do feel so hopeful that if we did this once, we can do it again. Of course I am still super sad, but I am so hopeful that we WILL get pregnant again.

It is pretty brutal to have to wait for my body to let this go, and I am to stay on my progesterone until tomorrow's blood draw results, which are mostly to confirm what we already know is happening. My boobs are hurting less and less. The constipation has let up. It's amazing how quickly my body recognizes & adjusts to a pregnancy, only to immediately recognize the pregnancy isn't continuing.

I pray that my body does release soon (before we leave for Christmas), as apparently it comes as a really painful period with intense cramping & clotting. I suspect with that will come another big wave of grief. We'll see what Dr. Vaughn advises when I hopefully see him this week and get more information.

For now,  I am just so anxious to get back in the game and start trying again.

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********Note: the politics of blogging this whole TTC stuff is complicated. Please note that you, dear blog readers, are in a special category of being pretty immediate witnesses to our journey. That being said, for those friends/family who read along, know that in "the real world" we would be notifying you of any positive news past the 12 week mark, so please don't feel saddened or offended that you did not get immediate calls with the last few days' roller coaster.  We appreciate your continued love, understanding, & support! *************