March Photo Challenge

Belle over at the lovely Scrambled Eggs Blog has proposed a March photo challenge. I've decided to play along- figuring it is a great way to have a distraction from all this TTC craziness, and also a creative way to encourage me to blog more often.

Today's subject: Self Portrait

This one is pretty accurate for how I've been feeling & posting lately. It was taken with BC's iPad photo app- I was having a great time experimenting with the different settings & effects.

In my own TTC world, I've decided to try something new and revolutionary: listening to MYSELF. Taking my own intuition on treatments & timing as priority over the opinions of friends, family, acupuncturists, psychics, doctors, etc. And you know what I decided this month? I am NOT ready to have another laparoscopic surgery. At least not yet. My thought process went something like this:

*If I do the surgery now, I"ll be out of work for 2 weeks, and be compromised physically on my Wimberley trip with BC
*If I do the surgery, it guarantees I will have to have a c-section when babies come
*If I do the surgery now, we won't be able to TTC for at least 2 months, and that completely rules out any chance of Baby Lambert coming home in 2012
*Miracles do happen- *maybe* we will get a surprise natural BFP!
*I'd rather keep the window of opportunity open this month, vs slamming it shut with surgery

And here's where life steps in and has her way with me. It seems to me that once one is on the Fertility Roller-Coaster, it is extremely hard to get off. Remember that month after our 1st injectables cycle & miscarriage, when I thought either I missed ovulation completely or not ovulated at all? It seems like this is happening again.

A huge part of my decision not to do surgery this month was to keep our TTC window open (I admit I have a slight hang up about bringing a baby home in 2012, and that window is getting closer and closer to disappearing). It appears that again, my body is onto us- essentially flipping off me and my plans. I don't blame it for being confused- we pumped it so full of hormones last month that its natural mojo was completely overrun. This month, my temps are remaining high - post ovulation type high (98.1-98.2 waking)- yet ovulation has not occurred. I'm still having heat flashes, likely from my body trying to make sense of my hormonal hangover. I am on CD 13, and given the high temps, fully believe my eggs are getting BAKED and because of this will likely not release. I've been doing daily OPKs with no sign of a surge. So maybe this month wasn't such a bad time to have surgery after all. *Sigh*

Now the question becomes: do I let my body naturally get back into equilibrium (and let's face it- our TTC naturally didn't lead to much success), or do I hold on tight to the ART coaster & keep upping the anty- the hormones & surgeries & interventions- until we succeed in medically making a baby?

All I can do is take things one day at a time, one decision at a time. For now, I'm hoping my cysts are calming down & deflating, and that if my body is indeed taking a month off, it will be gearing up for bigger and brighter things in the months to come.

The Kardashians to the Rescue

I had a doozy of a day yesterday.

Admittedly, I woke up frustrated and angry. A last minute canceling of plans the previous day was still stewing with me energetically, and as I made my breakfast, I tried to dissect and release those feelings.

Then I spent the bulk of the day being micro-managed & insulted (unnecessarily, I might add) by an agent I am currently working with. The interactions were so intense that upon an 11am phone conversation with said agent, I got an instant ocular migraine. I just loathe when another person splatters their 'stuff' onto me, and am always disappointed in myself when that 'stuff' seeps in, coloring my entire day with stressful shades of melancholic gray.

I've also been totally out of tune with my cycle this month. When I got my typical signs that ovulation should be 2-3 days out - around cycle days 14-15 - I started taking my OPK tests. They never turned positive. As cd19 and 20 rolled around,  I decided to temp in the morning and discovered I had elevated temperatures. Historically this means ovulation has already occurred- but when? I am wondering if perhaps I didn't ovulate at all this month- and if I did, I totally missed the mark. Not entirely surprised my body is a bit out of whack, due to all the hormones, a pregnancy, AND a miscarriage that happened within a 30 day period last month.

I have been having mild heat flashes again in the past week, and had an intense need (don't laugh) to make chocolate chip cookies 2 nights ago. These were some of the suspicious signs from last month, so of course deep inside I remain hopeful for this cycle. Only time will tell, and now that I have no idea where I am in my cycle, I'll have no idea when to expect AF.

2012 is definitely highlighting the lesson that there is a higher plan & power at work, and that I need to continue to work on releasing CONTROL. And release it with abundant amounts of self-compassion & trust. I've started working on cutting out words & pictures for this year's vision board, and find that I am being drawn to words like "release," "flow," "discover," "allow," "inspire," etc. All words pertaining to softening & opening, being more gentle with myself.

So last night before bed, I ran a sea salt bath with the conscious intention of releasing all negative feelings from the day into those waters. I may or may not have also written the agent's name from earlier that day on a piece of paper with a few added choice words and burned it in a nearby candle (hey, I'm only human). As I fell asleep, I deliberately opened my heart space toward the agent, working on feeling forgiveness & release while requesting that I grow & learn from today's events. What else can you do?

And my subconscious gave me a lovely escape in dreamland: I got to hang out in the Kardashians' mansion, eating delicious foods, laughing, feeling tickled that I was allowed there. A perfect, silly contrast to an otherwise crappy day.