Friday, August 12, 2011

Rope Burn

"Ladies & Gentlemen, I present to you the official Lambert Tug-of-War Challenge!

On team Team #1 we have Optimism & Hope!
And on Team #2: Repression & Fear.

It's anyone's game on a day to day, minute by minute basis."

I was reminded again the other night how much I have deeply repressed my desires for children. The emotions will sneak up on me when I least expect them. In this case, it was while watching the movie "The Lovely Bones," which is about the murder of a young girl, and how her family deals with the loss. My emotional wells started going into overtime, and I had this deep, visceral, mournful reminder of how badly I DO want children. It emanated from the depths of my soul, bringing with it vivid flashes of the life I thought I'd have by this age.

It was about 4-6 months into our journey of trying to conceive when I starting repressing this desire, and the repression has formed such a hard callous that no one would ever realize how raw the flesh is beneath. Team Repression & Fear was thus created, and they are definitely a force to be reckoned with. It is a protective mechanism- I don't know how many times I've said to folks something along the lines of "at this age (35) I am so used to NOT having children and having that lifestyle, that if it isn't meant to happen, it will definitely be a different path, but a FUN one with trips & shopping & happy hours!" And part of me has to believe that I will be ok with that outcome.

But then team Optimism & Hope starts tugging at the rope, and my callous rips open again, letting those deep tides of emotion come pouring out. "Now your endometriosis is cleared!" it will say, as I optimistically move right into an immediate IUI that same month. "The first 6 months after laparoscopic surgery are the most fertile!" it will coo, as I proceed into the 2nd month post surgery with clomid and an IUI.

Then the blinding cramps & bleeding begin, and Repression & Fear give a huge HEAVE-HO to the rope. Again I am burned, not sure which way I will be tugged next.

The silver lining this month is that now I'll be free to fully play when we head on vacation to New York City (Repression & Fear's FUN life "with trips & shopping & happy hours!"). Optimism & Hope will see me bringing along the ovulation predictor kits, taking my vitamins, putting Babycakes on his own vitamin regime, & chanting the mantra "it often happens to people while on vacation!"

It's anyone's game-- but I am definitely rooting for Optimism & Hope to prevail.

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