Monday, September 26, 2011

Hurricane, Baby

I would have MUCH rather titled this post "Hurricane Baby!!"- but that wasn't in the stars this month.

Babycakes and I had an amazing trip to NYC, complete with several atmospheric adventures. On the 3.5 hour plane ride there, we learned mid-air that an earthquake had struck the east coast (what?!) and that all NYC airports were closed. We looked at each other & said "game on!"- not knowing what this may mean for our trip. Happily, by the time the flight was coming to an end, airports had re-opened, and we landed safely and on time.

Then the talk of Hurricane Irene began. A hurricane headed straight for NYC! If we wanted adventure on this trip, we sure had it, The hurricane was set to hit the Sunday we were supposed to leave the city; on the Friday before, JetBlue sent me an email saying our Sunday flight was cancelled and re-scheduled for the following Tuesday. Our reaction? WA-HOO!! A mandatory extension of vacation! We promptly ordered $100 worth of room service, stocking our hotel's mini fridge with hurricane provisions.

Our Hurricane Cuisine

I have definitely been ovulating a lot later in my cycle since the laproscopy- around CD 21- and this happened to fall on the weekend of the hurricane. I got a bit geeked out thinking about what a GREAT story that would make- that we conceived in NYC during its historic hurricane! We tossed out "I" names that would be appropriate for a Hurricane Baby and did what we could to ensure that this baby had every opportunity to come along.

I also had a pretty cool visual that weekend.  I had laid down for a nap/meditation, and at that awesome space where I was in a place that was neither waking nor sleeping- pure spirit- I literally felt like someone took my hand and was holding it. I felt my body fill up with light energy, and then- I kid you not- I heard a baby cry, and this jolted me back to full consciousness. In a hoarse whisper I said to BC "Did you HEAR that?!" but he was softly snoring beside me. It was enough to convince me that this HAD to be IT!

You know what really, really sucks about getting this hopeful? When it ISN'T "it."

This month when the bleeding began, I felt knocked down by the waves of extreme grief. Unfortunately, AF happened on a busy Thursday morning, so there wasn't time to let the sorrow out. And then there weren't any seemingly good times after that either (this is a problem I have- never a good "time" to cry, so I don't). What happens to my sorrow in these circumstances is that it calcifies into hard and red ANGER. 

So WTF was that hand-holding, baby crying s***?

Why why WHY are WE having to struggle with this? Two loving people who are financially stable, have bought our dream home (with 2 empty future kids' rooms to boot), and are totally ready & wanting babies?

The hopefulness I felt after the laproscopy is diminishing further with each passing month. Realistically I know it hasn't been THAT long that we've been trying post-surgery (3 full cycles)- but "Hurricane Despair" is such a powerful, familiar, & palpable presence, it can drown me in an instant. And this month, I wasn't prepared with the right provisions with which to weather the storm.

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