To Drew Barrymore and Kristen Bell

I so want to hate you girls. You represent the fantastical celebrity version of exactly what I want more than anything else in the world right now- to have a sweet toddler baby and be quickly pregnant with another on the way. Seemingly effortlessly.

And so I go back to the fact that family planning & spacing is an elusive beast that unfortunately cannot be controlled. At least by those struggling with TTC. At least by me.

Also? I don't feel totally safe in this blog anymore. When I started it I was an anonymous blogger free to vent all the anger, frustration, & sadness that came with this difficult road. Once the blog evolved into a pregnancy, I told many, many more people about it… including family… who are probably my main readers at this point (a big reason almost every post is mostly Iyla updates). Talking in detail about interventions, cervical mucus, the state of my breasts… just- doesn't feel right. So I feel a bit stifled, as I have so much to express but no real forum to express it in.

That's why I've largely gone quiet lately, because I am back in the throws of walking the tightrope between desire and heartache. I have very, very blue days. Especially this cycle, when we did our first post-Iyla full on Follistim/Ovidril/double IUI intervention. With all the hot flashes, twinges, expenses, & hope that a cycle like that produces.

And no pregnancy.

It's a fresh, familiar pain that encircles me. I was SO sure I'd have a May baby.

Bleh.

Admittedly, there IS a different perspective overall this TTC round. I have a gorgeous little girl who is an absolute DREAM come true. She is here, and real, and beautiful. She melts my heart every.single.day. I have a loving, supportive husband who went along with last months' crazies in a show of solidarity. I have amazing real estate angels who keep my business clipping along at a lovely, non overwhelming pace that is fully supporting our financial needs. We've been taking lovely trips (Vegas! NYC! And next up: San Diego!) I feel like I shouldn't be allowed to be blue, given all this abundance in my life.

My heart says (knows?) there is another babe coming. My psychic (who saw Iyla clearly) said there was DEFINITELY another babe coming- she felt within 2-4 months, to arrive by the end of 2015. A boy (well, she actually saw THREE total kids- a boy and another girl. They would absolutely have to come as a package deal as BC is adamant about getting snipped after another pregnancy!). Yep. I've gone full circle and am back to finding hope in psychic predictions. I get to.

And so I soldier on… staying mostly quiet in this forum, but weathering the battle of emotions fully on a day to day basis.

How could I NOT want another of these?

21 Months Old!

Sweet Iyla Grace, today you are 21 months old, and today is officially my 300th blog entry! This past month has been a fun-filled and busy one for our family. You have started talking in pretty much full sentences, and we are loving hearing everything you have to say.

Here are your 21 month updates!

How old? 21 months

How big? We had a doc visit a few weeks ago, where you STOOD on a scale for the first time! You weighed in at 23 lbs and some change. Here you are in your monthly photo shoot with Sam:

Teeth? Holding steady at 7!

Food? Not a whole lot new here. You did try cookie batter for the first time and thought that was pretty great! You also really really loved having roasted asparagus this past week- you enjoyed holding an entire stalk and telling me which end was 'easy' or 'hard' to bite.

Cookie dough!

A favorite new spot to have water

You love kale chips! They always leave a trail of crumbs on your face.

I adore how you cross your little legs while you eat

Sleep? We are so grateful for what a good, easy sleeper you are! You go down for the night between 7:15-7:30 and sleep through to 6:45-7. Then you take anywhere from a 1.5-3 hour nap from 12:30-3. Our routine is still a bottle of milk before sleep- we snuggle and rock, and then you say goodnight to whatever dolly you are holding and happily snuggle down into bed.

Potty time? You are amazing us here. I would say you are 80% potty trained, and you have not had an accident all month! We leave you diaper free whenever we are home, and you will say "poo poo pee pee" when you have to go, or sometimes if its been awhile we encourage you to go sit on the potty. Your grandma and nanny also kept/keep you diaper free- and absolutely no accidents!

The 20% still remaining is learning that even if you have a diaper or other covering on you can still tell us you have to go, and then go on the potty. Right now if you have a diaper on you will happily go in it. I also tried a pair of plain little underwear covers one day, and you peed in those- feeling the safety of the cover. You wear a diaper at night and wake up with that soaking wet, so night time 'training' is still a ways off. All in all you are doing SO well!!

Words? You are talking so, so much! Full sentences. Repeating words and phrases we say while also telling us your opinions and preferences on things. A favorite example of this is when I ask you- when we are about to see someone for the first time (your nanny, the chiropractor, etc)- if you are 'going to be OK or going to cry." And you will pretty accurately tell me how you suspect you'll react, either way.

You can count up to 6 and love naming colors (you usually get blue and green correct and know the names for all other colors).

Your banter while you play with your dolls is hilarious too- we'll often hear you having one doll tell another "be right back" or telling a dolly to "wash hands, cook eggs, go potty" etc.

You have started correctly using the words "too" and "maybe." Examples include: "Tinkerbell wants dress too." "Maybe Rapunzel downstairs." And when asked about what you'd like to eat, you'll say "maybe….(insert what you want here)."

Some things we've been up to this past month:

Spending a week with Grandma! Your Papa and I took 3 nights in NYC (it was supposed to be 4 but our initial flight was cancelled- a whole other story/blog entry!) and your sweet Grandma came to stay and play with you. You two were instant friends, which was no surprise!

Your Aunt Julie, Uncle Ricco, and Cousin Miles also came up for a night while Grandma was here to see you. Everyone adored you, and you had a lot of fun spending time with Miles.

View from our NYC bathroom- you would have LOVED this tub! Fun fact: we had an accidental, serendipitous run-in with Belle from the Scrambled Eggs blog while visiting Washington Square Park! What a small, small world.

We brought you back a teddy bear from our Bowery Hotel that was an instant hit.

Mornings at my coffee shop! We've started having Mama/Iyla breakfast dates one morning a week, and you are such a good buddy while there. You love their muffins and eggs, and always bring a couple little dolls to enjoy breakfast with.

People watching at Bouldin Creek Cafe

Outdoor adventures: We are in the middle of our HOT season here, so mornings are the time to get out and explore. We often go to a local park or splash pad.

Stopping to smell the flowers

Picnic on a lovely evening

You also enjoy outdoor streaking 

This is usually the extent of your splash pad adventures- you like to stand back from the water and hold one of your dolls in it- but not get in/jump in yourself!

Morning at the splash pad and all you wanted to do was sit in this puddle

Climbing! You have started getting braver with your physical exploration and now enjoy climbing up on things around the house.

Playing with Papa: Weekend mornings are Papa time, where you two ride bikes, get breakfast tacos and juice, and play at the playground.

Reading: Your very favorite books these days are the "Laura" books- which you all know by title (Little House on the Prairie books), your Frozen books, and of course- your Tangled books.

Going to the Austin Zoo: It your first time there and you loved it.

You also made sure to feed your Sofia doll

Playing at the Driskill Hotel: This is the whole family's happy place! It is pretty much a fanciful indoor playground given all the stairs, elevators, empty banquet halls, & toddler-adoring visitors.

You always sit in the elevator!

Getting your bangs trimmed: I wasn't planning on giving you bangs, but your fine wisps were constantly in your eyes, so a teeny tiny trim was all that was needed to clean things up. I think you look adorable!

Taking Selfies: You actually let me take a couple shots of us together without having a meltdown! Lately when you see yourself in the camera you start to fuss because you want to LOOK at the pictures, not take them.

The typical reaction

The annoyed 'I'm putting up with this' look

And lo and behold, actually hamming it up with smiles!

Watching Tangled: This continues to be one of your favorite things ever. You are known to ask "watch Tangled?" no less than a gazillion times a day. On weekends you and Papa watch a condensed version, and we also play you a few of the music videos before bed.

One not so fun thing from the last month was your waking up with a pulled neck muscle. You were in a lot of pain and telling me "neck hurt!" We went to your doctor to rule out any ear infection, and tried to keep you still and comfortable with sporadic heat on your neck & Motrin. We were able to get you to our chiropractor who helped expedite your feeling better. I suspect this may have been a result of the torticollis you had as a baby, and hope this kind of thing never happens again! Poor buddy. 

Here are a few more photos from your past month. There were a LOT to catch up on, given it has been a month since my last update!

We love you SO much Iyla Grace, and are grateful every.single.day that you chose us as your family! Happy 21 months, sweet girl.