Thursday, October 23, 2014

"Snuggle Mama Little Bit"

Today I am grateful for my sweet, affectionate, bright little girl- who recently has started cooing "snuggle Mama little bit" to me several times a day, nuzzling into me for long, deep hugs. It absolutely melts me.

My sweet love

Today in particular those hugs are needed. Despite my psychic and acupuncturist predicting that a pregnancy was achieved, despite having 3 eggs release, despite my body playing wicked symptom games with me (which all totally disappeared a few days ago- noticeably so)- I am not pregnant.

This TTC is SUCH a mindf***,  as it really felt like my body was pregnant. The hunger. The sore breasts. The ovarian pinching and pulling. Perhaps something was fertilized, but just didn't make the final journey? I so wish I could have a little camera inside me to tell me exactly WHAT IS THE PROBLEM? WHAT IS TAKING SO LONG?

And yes, my frou knows that these kids come when they want to come and in their own time. At least my kids do. Lately it seems everyone else around me sneezes and gets pregnant. I swear that in our toddler swimming class is pregnant again. The idyllic 2 year spacing. It is so hard to keep the envy at bay, and feel peace and acceptance toward a 'greater plan.' Some days I am better at this than others- today, not so much.

Not really sure what my plan is going to be moving forward. I am so ready to be pregnant and welcome another little one into our family. I'll most likely have to take a month off from interventions, and re-boot from there. I so, so wish that our insurance had IVF coverage, as I'd be all over moving to that step; alas, we would be paying out of pocket for that type of intervention and just don't have the means to do so. I AM grateful our injectable cycles do have good coverage, but the fact is that none of these have resulted in a viable pregnancy.

It's a blue day. I am thankful our nanny is with Iyla today so I can be as blue as I need. I'll be having a cocktail tonight, and looking often at this picture of Iyla's hilarious "squish face" to help bring a smile to mine.


  1. Oh no! I'm so sorry this cycle didn't result in pregnancy. My little has been super snuggly too at this age.

  2. Oh boy can I relate. No more IVF for me either and it's the only thing that ever worked. I'm sorry this cycle was bust. Hang in there.