Saturday, September 10, 2016

Baby for Sale

I have a very cute baby for sale. She has the biggest blue eyes and the sweetest smiles, but I have to warn you that she does have a defect: she somehow wasn't installed with the capacity to sleep. And in the light of full disclosure, I should let you know that she will also soil her clothes and anything else touching her at last one time/day with an amazing talent for "blowouts," so I'll include a month's worth of outfits and a bottle of bleach with your purchase. And if you act now I'll also throw in an industrial sized coffee maker.

My Wonder Weeks book has an entire chapter devoted to a 'growth leap' that occurs in the 7-9 week window (Eloise was 7 weeks yesterday) and indicates that this leap can lead to an overly fussy, clingy, poorly sleeping baby.

Check, check, and CHECK.

We are going on 3 nights in a row of horrid sleep (and this from a baby who has never been an awesome sleeper)- but last night took the cake. I think I got maaaaybe two 30 minute 'naps' in, and the rest of the night was spent with Eloise literally attached to my breast, taking FOREVER to soothe into any kind of sleep. The moment I'd think she was FINALLY asleep and luxuriously close my own eyes, her leg thrashing and grunting would begin again. She seemed only content when my breast was in her mouth, even if she wasn't really nursing. The second I'd remove it or heaven for bid try to carefully ease her a little ways away from my body (for safety! It's like she wants to suffocate in there!) all bets were off and the protesting would begin anew. It was the first night that I too cried several times with her, and also where I let her cry a couple times before soothing her for like 30-60 seconds that felt like an eternity and made me feel like an a*hole.

So, let me know if you're interested in this purchase! I'd also consider a long term loan, returning her to me around 12 weeks of age when I *hear* things get a little better. She really is cute, and her smiles and snuggles (along with strong coffee) will help make you somehow forget all the challenges she may bring your way.

Oh Eloise Jane! Sleep is GOOD for everyone. Your Mama loves you but is running completely on empty. Help me help you. Pretty please?

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