The Story of Iyla Grace

First, a little background- basically a summary of everything this blog has come to represent. Our fertility journey. My pregnancy. And now a record of our little girl's arrival in our lives.

We tried for almost 3 years to get pregnant. It was a very challenging, emotional time where it felt like I was constantly walking a tightrope between total despair vs. continued hope. With each new intervention (countless rounds of Clomid, Femara, IUI's, laparoscopic surgery, 2 Gonal F injectable cycles) the hope would rise again: maybe THIS would be the time it finally happened! Even off cycles on vacation revved up the renewed hope- because wasn't it always said that once you stopped "trying" and went on vacation it would happen?

Then, with each negative pregnancy test & failed cycle the despair would set in like a dense fog. Should I just go ahead and accept that this might not ever happen for us? It sure looked like having children wasn't in our cards. When do you say "when" and just accept this fact?

This post from August of 2011 perhaps describes those feelings best:

http://thequestforlittlelambies.blogspot.com/2011/08/rope-burn.html

After our 2nd Gonal F cycle failed last February, a fog thicker than I'd ever felt descended upon me. Even through this I tried so hard to remain hopeful, deciding we should immediately try another injectables cycle. I was then told by our fertility specialist that no, I had cysts on both ovaries that month- which drastically reduces the chances of pregnancy- and we needed to wait at least one more cycle before trying again. In the meanwhile I seriously considered another laparoscopic surgery to remove my fibroid- "Franny"- once and for all.

After that extremely disappointing news I started to have a change in perspective, operating as a sort of survival instinct. I decided to reconnect with yoga, with BC, and with my body, and I started to hear my own intuition more and more clearly as the fog slowly dissipated.

This blog entry- written the day BC and I were together on the eve of Iyla's conception, speaks to the great shift that occurred in my spirit:

http://thequestforlittlelambies.blogspot.com/2012/03/great-healing-march-photos-days-6-9.html

And thus our miracle baby was conceived on the March 8th full moon, with nothing more than the love & connection between BC and I. When we returned from a 9 day trip I took a pregnancy test truly on a whim, and when I saw the STRONG positive I just crumpled to the ground in awe. And felt with everything in my being that this.was.it.

From the beginning of the pregnancy I was aware that Franny was hanging out very close to the birth canal. Because of this I had a lot of extra ultrasounds & monitoring to see if Franny might be able to be pushed out of the way to allow for a vaginal birth. Each ultrasound reconfirmed that she hadn't moved, and at our last appointment on Halloween the ultrasound doctor literally said: "I've seen miracles happen, but I'd give this baby a less than 1% chance of pushing past that fibroid to come vaginally."

And so I had to grapple with the reality of a planned c-section, something I had very much hoped to avoid. I worked with my psychic astrologer friend to come up with a day/time that seemed most harmonious for the little spirit growing inside me. And so it was that November 20th, 2012 was set for my c-section to occur. This post speaks to the emotions that went with the c-section and having to plan our daughter's birthday:

http://thequestforlittlelambies.blogspot.com/2012/10/in-which-we-choose-our-babys-birthday.html

On Sunday November 11th I was having a really hard time getting around and walking. For about a week I had been feeling like both my inner thigh muscles were pulled, and on this day they seemed extra tugged. I had to cut my morning errands short & just rest the remainder of the day. My body felt heavy, tired, & sore.

2:45am, Monday November 12th: I woke with cramping that made me feel like I needed to have a BM. Went to the bathroom, no BM- so got back into bed. The cramping returned several minutes later along with the tightening of my belly, Braxton Hicks' style. I laid there alert, paying attention to what was happening. Several minutes later another round of cramping. I grabbed my phone & turned on an app I had to time contractions. Sure enough, they were coming like clockwork in the 4-6 minute apart range.

I got up and immediately went downstairs to update my business emails. I had 3 really tough negotiation periods with real estate contracts that were to happen later on that day- so had a lot of prep to do toward my colleagues potentially needing to take things over.

I readied the downstairs of our home- put a lockbox with a house key copy on the front door, packed some snacks, made sure our kitty Sam had food and water, all the while still timing contractions. I called my doctor (felt awful waking her!) and she said we should probably make our way to the hospital to be monitored to see if this was truly active labor. She would call ahead and tell them to expect us.

4am: I woke BC saying I'd been contracting regularly for about an hour- didn't know if this was "it" but thought he should prep his own business for the day, and that my doc felt we should go to the hospital. He shot up and started packing. I showered, finished putting together my hospital bag & the baby bag, and around 4:30 we left for the hospital. On the way there I got wicked nauseous & we had to pull over. Thankfully I had a Zofran tab with me for nausea and that settled things down quickly.

6:30am: initial monitoring at the hospital showed strong contractions 2-3 minutes apart. The on call doc checked me and I was 3cm dilated, 90% effaced, and the baby's head was WAY low where he could feel it easily (probably why I had trouble walking the day before!). After 3 awful tries to insert an IV, we were officially admitted and told we'd be having a baby today! Business emails were sent off, calls to family made, and BC and I looked at each other in excited disbelief. We would be meeting our daughter soon!

When my own doc arrived around 8am to check me, she confirmed the measurements and said that b/c she could fully feel the baby's head, her instinct was to let me labor on my own and see how my body opened & progressed. If, after we tried several 'tricks' throughout the day there was no further progression, we'd know Franny had won and would follow through with a a c-section. I am so grateful to Dr. Campaigne for allowing the possibility of going a different direction; I believe many OB's would have just moved forward with a c-section at that time, given the history of my ultrasounds.

Throughout the morning I was breathing through each contraction pretty well- they didn't feel great, but were totally manageable. I felt most comfortable contracting while standing or sitting, swaying my hips while BC rubbed my back. I thought: "I got this! Maybe my pain tolerance is better than I thought!" BC and I joked that he was now the doula- God help us- and I started requesting things like "Doula! Can you rub my shoulders? Doula! Your turn in Words with Friends."

12:30pm- my doc returned to check me as I was giggling at BC for having broken the hospital curtains. She said she didn't like that I was giggling, as that likely meant the contractions were not at a level to get things moving and that once things were really progressing along I would be finding it hard to talk & be silly between & during them. Upon checking me there hadn't been any further progress, so she recommended we start a very low dose of Pitocin. She felt my body would respond well from just a little jump start. We started at a '3' dose, upping this to a '5' later in the day.

An hour later she returned to break my waters. OUCH!!! That internal exam hurt! Then literally within minutes of her doing this I felt what real contractions were. And there was no more laughing. Those suckers caused my entire body to contract & tense & saw me buckling into a ball in pain, not knowing how to ease them. I immediately said to please order the epidural ASAP! My instinct was that my body would not be opening "like a flower' as I tensed & crippled to the ground.

Forty-five hellish minutes later the anesthesiologist arrived. It was really hard to sit still through those contractions for him to get everything in place, but the pain of the epidural needle was NOTHING compared to the pain of the contractions. Within about 5 minutes the contractions' sharp edges disappeared, and they had me lay down & prop up on one side (they would shift me from side to side for the remainder of the day).

I had been expecting to be numb from the waist down- but this was, in my opinion, the epitome of the perfect epidural: I could feel AND move both my legs and feet (they felt hot & tingly) and I could also feel the pressure of every contraction, but no pain. I knew when the contraction was strong and still had to breathe through those- but again, no pain. It was fascinating to watch the contractions rise & fall on the screen as I was able to hang out relaxed on the bed.

BC and I joked that I was 'The Matrix' (a movie we'd just watched the night before), in that there were SO many wires attached to my body. The pitocin IV, the epidural drip, a bladder catheter, an internal contraction monitor, a heart monitor for baby, AND a blood pressure cuff on my arm.

5:30pm: I was checked by the attending nurse and had progressed to 5cm! Almost immediately after that check I had several STRONG back to back contractions that stirred the baby, causing them to have me shift to one side to re-regulate her heartbeat. My doctor arrived 20 minutes later and rechecked me- I was already 6-7cm! She said she was going to hang tight downstairs at the hospital and come back in about an hour to check me again.

7:45pm: My doctor returned, checked me, and announced I was fully dilated and it was time to push! They prepped the delivery station & she gave me a tutorial on effective pushing techniques.

8pm: I started pushing with my next contraction. It was odd in that I wasn't sure I was going it correctly, but apparently I was and they were very effective, b/c immediately that little baby head moved further and further down. A couple pushes later and the head was visibly coming out, then going back in as I relaxed and waited for the next round of contractions. I could feel when the contraction would start- and would gather in a huge deep breath and push again. After about 5-6 rounds of pushes I felt a LOT of pressure as the head crowned & remained there. My doc said that any push now could fully birth her. BC was calling out to the baby "come on, darlin!" and exclaiming how amazing this all was!

About 2 pushes later she was out! The doctor laid her directly on my chest. She didn't cry right away- she sneezed, then whimpered, and the nurses rubbed her vigorously to get those little lungs to call out, which they finally did. BC was staring directly at her face and I asked: "does she look like our favorite name?" (we had a very favorite but also back-ups in case she didn't fit the favorite). He replied immediately "YES" and it was official- sweet Iyla Grace Lambert had arrived at 8:44pm on 11-12-12 after 18 hours of labor (a very cool birthday, if I do say so myself!)

The doctor allowed the cord to stay connected between us a good 15 minutes before cutting it, and Iyla was taken to be weighed & measured. She got an 8/9 on her Apgar, and was 5 pounds, 14 ounces & 19 inches long. She came back to me for her initial breastfeeding (which was weird and wonderful!), and then was taken to the nursery with BC for a first bath & full check up.

I had one small tear that required a single stitch, and developed two 'awesome' hemorrhoids, which are apparently very common with vaginal births. Those hurt much worse than the stitch! I was also thrilled to be able to eat & drink again- I'd had nothing in my stomach for 24 hours and was famished.

Iyla's name is Sanskrit for "Moonlight." She was conceived on a full moon and born on the cusp of the November 13th new moon. She is nothing short of a miracle in every possible way. We are still in total blissful disbelief that this beautiful little creature is OURS.

Sweet Iyla Grace Lambert, welcome to the world!
You are loved more than you will ever know.

In Which We Choose Our Baby's Birthday

Remember that growth ultrasound I had last week?

First of all- BC and I somehow 'misheard' the stats. We were sure the ultrasound doc had said our little lady was measuring in the 8th percentile.

On Monday my regular doc- Dr. Campaigne from Nurture OBGYN- called me to discuss the ultrasound. She told us that the overall measurements were in the 17th percentile! Still a little lady, but not quite AS small. Her head was actually in the 40th percentile (curse of the BC head!), and everything together came out at 17%. These measurements were all based on the November 24th due date- which is calculated by my LMP (last menstrual period- they 'assume' you ovulate 14 days after the LMP). However, based on our known conception date my due date would be November 29th (as I know exactly when I ovulated- it is usually cycle day 20 or 21), meaning her percents would be even higher for babies at her age.

All great news!

Then it was time to talk about Franny (my fibroid).

At the ultrasound, the u/s doc had indicated Franny had NOT moved out of the way of the birth canal at all, and that he thought it was highly likely we'd need a c-section. He did say he's seen "miracles happen,' but he wasn't very hopeful.

Which brings us back to my talk with Dr. Campaigne. A little background here about Nurture OBGYN: this is a small boutique practice with one holistic OB and one midwife who are VERY much into natural childbirth and seeing pregnancy as a normal healthy event. They boast & celebrate a low 10% c-section rate, and also have very low stats with other interventions like pitocin.

So when I spoke with Dr. Campaigne earlier this week and she told me that based on what the ultrasound doc's notes recommended and what she saw in the report that she thought a planned c-section was the path we needed to go, I didn't question it. Of any doctor who would come to this conclusion, I fully trusted her that this was the only option given our situation.

Was I disappointed? Of course. But I am also someone that doesn't look back- when a decision needs to be made and I commit to something it is full speed ahead. My questions to her went like this:

Knowing that our due date is November 24th, when would you schedule me for a c-section?
-We like to do them in the 39th week, so probably around November 19th or 20th

What are your thoughts on letting me go into labor naturally- THEN doing the c-section?
-Honestly, we feel like that puts a lot of undue stress on yours and the baby's body, so don't recommend it

I know you take pride in your surgery skills- what will the incision be like?
-I don't want to brag, but yes! Aesthetics are VERY important to me and I do take great pride in making sure it is as small of an incision as possible that heals well

So then I was left that afternoon ruminating on all of this and waiting to share the news with BC. When I told him, I could tell he was a bit disappointed, but mostly he had a few questions of his own. He had been under the impression from the ultrasound doc that they would continue to monitor my fibroid before making a final call, and wanted to know why the call was being made now? (Granted somehow we must have misheard a lot of things at that ultrasound appointment, including our little ones' measurements!). I promised BC I would ask that question of Dr. Campaigne when I met with her next week, but that I did trust her judgement very much- so felt like this was the way it was going to be.

Part of my 'coping' with this big news was to come up with a list of PROS for a planned c-section, to include:

1. My lady parts would be completely preserved- no tearing, no bladder problems, no healing needed.

2. We could better plan ahead with our work schedules & family visits (unless of course the little one throws everyone for a loop and comes early!)

3. We don't have to attend any more birth classes (I already cancelled our "Yoga for Birth" workshop and we likely won't attend any more hypno-birthing classes).

4. This child will definitely be a Scorpio now, just like me (God help BC!) Not sure if that is a definite "pro," but I like it. : )

5. I won't have to feel any pains of labor.

6. Our baby will have a 'gentler' entrance into the world- no squishing & squeezing through the birth canal, so no funny head shapes or bruising.

The CONS?

1. The magic of going into labor and wondering when our little one's birthday will be has been taken away. I have been wrestling with bouts of grief surrounding this, feeling like part of my womanhood has been somehow stripped away. I will not experience labor, I will not experience giving birth the way it was meant to be done... my body won't automatically be releasing the right laboring or birth hormones.

2. Having a major surgery and dealing with the recovery. I will now be much more compromised physically following her birth, and have to be on pain meds as the incisions heal.

3. My body may take longer to 'kick in' the right hormones to help out with breastfeeding, given the surgery & meds I will be on.

4. No birth classes. It was a 'pro' in lightening up our schedule, but I was really looking forward to sharing in those with BC.

5. As much as it is a 'pro' that the baby will have a gentler entrance into the world, it will be gentle and a bit shocking, in that we won't be able to have a dimly lit, quiet, tranquil space for her to enter. She will emerge into bright overhead lights and doctors with masks on.

6. No immediate skin to skin contact with our little one. I asked if there was ANY way this could still happen- and b/c the surgery room is kept freezing cold, it is most important to bundle baby right away to keep her warm. She will be given to me to see/hold for a short time before going to the nursery- and I will want BC to accompany her there so she has someone familiar with her while they put me back together. My doctor says we should all be reunited pretty quickly- within an hour- so hopefully that time will go by quickly.

7. Being responsible for choosing her birthday! This was one of the main sticking points I hoped I wouldn't have to face. And if you know anything about me by reading this blog, it will come as NO surprise that a couple of the first calls I made after getting the news of the c-section were to my psychic friend Cristy and to my friend Dianne who does astrological charts. I figured if the doctor was aiming for November 19th or 20th, then the 15th and 16th (of the week before) would probably be fair game too (weekend dates are unfortunately out- I like the look of November 18th, but given it is a Sunday it would be a no-go).

I have had the 15th in my head for awhile with this little one, as has my mom. BC said he liked the way the 20th looked. When Dianne ran the astrology around all those dates, she highly recommended focusing on the 18th-20th (morning of the 20th only). Cristy seems to think this little one will come sooner and choose for herself, possibly starting her journey with the November 13th new moon.

So basically we will be choosing an "on or before" date for our little one. One thing for sure? She'll definitely be here by Thanksgiving! Holy sheet. I meet again with the Nurture ladies on Monday, and hope to talk further about dates then.

I've also spoken a few times with our fabulous doula- wondering if we would still need her services. Ultimately we've decided to do a 'revised' doula package where she has one prenatal appointment with us to help prepare us on what to expect with a planned c-section, and then I will still have her there supporting me on the actual day with all the before, during, & after events of surgery. She can be there in the operating room with me when BC goes to the nursery with the baby, and can also help me get started with breastfeeding. And she writes a personal birth story, which I love! What ultimately convinced me was reading another 'planned c-section' birth story on her blog. I won't be passing up her offering me foot & head massages throughout our birth day!

There are still a lot of emotions to deal with surrounding this recent turn of events. This definitely isn't the way I'd hoped things would go down, but it is our new reality. I am feeling waves of sorrow every time my hips ache or the Braxton Hicks come on... my body is preparing to birth naturally, and I feel like in a way I am cheating it. Ultimately, I just have to trust in my caregivers and know that the end result will be a healthy baby girl.

In closing, I bring you an adorable photo of my niece Magnolia who came in from Seattle for our baby shower. She is 3.5 months old- and has a super unique and cute way of self soothing herself to sleep. Apparently there is even an ultrasound picture of her in utero doing this! Too cute.

Sweet Maggie, I just may have used this move when I got the c-section news.
We all need a little soothing sometimes.

Meet Franny

I had an appointment with Dr. Vaughn this morning. You know you are a fertility patient when a month going by without seeing your doctor leads you into withdrawal. I was happy to be back in the saddle again!

During the exam, as Dr. V moved the sonogram wand around, right to left, it was clear that growth was taking place!

Sadly, that growth was my fibroid.

Since it appears she wants to be acknowledged, I shall call her Franny. Franny has been a part of me since my first sonograms with Dr. Vaughn. During my laparoscopic surgery last June, Dr. V had elected NOT to remove her, as she didn't appear to be in a place that would affect fertility. Also, if he had taken her out, I would have had to stay overnight at the hospital and my recovery time would have increased from 3 days to two weeks. Hence Franny stayed.

Maybe out of sympathy that nothin' else is currently growing inside me, she's decided to up her anty. Unfortunately she is growing toward my uterus, and starting to push into its left side. So what does this mean? It means if a wee Lambie baby attached to that section of my uterus, it would be as if there was extremely shallow, nutrient deficient soil there, and that little one wouldn't be able to grow. Of course I asked Dr. V if he thinks that might have been what caused our miscarriage, and he said it was unlikely, but not impossible.

The choices go like this:

1. Leave Franny alone and keep her monitored. Proceed full steam ahead with another round of injectables, and should a pregnancy occur, fingers and toes crossed that the little one implants anywhere but the lower left side of my uterus. Franny could be a bit uncomfortable with a pregnancy, but shouldn't pose any risks to the baby.

2. Remove Franny now. This would entail another laparoscopic surgery, an overnight at the hospital, 2 weeks off work for recovery, and a "100% guarantee" (according to Dr. V) that once I did get pregnant, I'd have to deliver by C-section. This is because part of my uterine lining would be cut with Franny's removal. Dr. V assures me they patch everything up extremely well, and that the lining should hold fine for a pregnancy, but likely couldn't withstand labor.

Given these choices, it isn't hard to see which way I'll go. Tonight begins ROUND TWO OF INJECTABLES! The prayers are going to be off the charts this month, b/c if we don't conceive this round, there is a really good chance Franny will have to come out (especially if she continues growing). I think I may go back to this years' vision board and specify that the words "birth" and "deliver" are meant for a BABY, not a FIBROID. Clarity of intention, people.

Ah, Gonal-F, we meet again. Please be as freakishly friendly & fertile as last month!

Kisses,

Me