The Great Q4 Floodgates of 2011

I probably average a good cry maybe once a quarter.... and last night marked my Q4 release. But more on that later....

Babycakes and I had an awesome day yesterday. He is such an amazing partner in crime, best friend, buddy, you name it! We started the day at our favorite coffee spot- Bouldin Creek Cafe. When our cappuccinos arrived, I was handed a milky floral design, while BC got a very special anarchy design:

Flowers for the lady, anarchy for the man!

It was a luxurious feeling day- NO SET PLANS! The world was our oyster. We opted to make the most of the gorgeous weather and headed out to Wimberley to hike. We found the most enchanted little hike right off of downtown at the Cypress Creek Nature Trail. There were VINE SWINGS!

Who doesn't love a good vine swing?

The Cypress Creek was VERY low on water (given our historic drought) but still lovely & spotted with turtles, birds, & fish.  Our short hike led us to one of Wimberley's beloved swimming spots- The Blue Hole. Even though we didn't swim, we did take full advantage of the soft, lush grass- taking off our shoes and lying on the natural blanket (there may also have been some handstands performed!)

BC communes with nature while I embarrass him with photos

We then set out to conquer Mount Baldy, the highest vantage point in the area. We had to hike up these stairs to get there- my legs are still SO sore from the ascent!

The Great Glute Workout 

The glory up top:

My schoolgirl crush on Wimberley grew even stronger this trip- I just want to pinch that town's cheeks! (Don't worry Austin- I still love you first and foremost, and will forever be your faithful cheerleader. But a girl can crush, no?)

We sang at the top of our lungs on the drive back into town, then decided that afternoon queso and margaritas (sorry Dr Vaughn!) were in order. Guero's perfection!

We opted for a movie night in, and ordered up "The Tree of Life" through Movies on Demand. And this is when The Great Q4 Floodgates of 2011 began. Dang. This movie is one of the most moving and amazing portraiture's of childhood, spirituality, & family interactions I've ever seen. It was filled with gorgeous imagery, camera work, editing, mood, music, etc. 

Although I am someone who tears up at the smallest of things (that's the empath in me), full out CRYING is another matter. I think the last documented cry I had was in August's Q3, also spurred by a movie. And that wasn't even a full out baring-one's-soul cry. The last time THAT kind of cry happened was last March when I learned of a friends' pregnancy, and BC later discovered me bawling in the bathtub. THAT cry was the one that spawned this entire blog.

I first lost it last night in the time sequence that started with this young family's pregnancy (shocker!) and progressed to show the most incredible shots of infancy & young childhood. I was full on weeping, and we were only about 30 minutes into the show.

I didn't stop crying the rest of the night.

On and off throughout the movie the tears came, and when the show ended, BC came over to embrace me, and the weeping came even harder. I asked him to leave for a little bit so I could really let it out (I get a bit embarrassed when I cry- I am not a cute dainty cryer, but rather a snotty, red faced one whose eyes tend to swell up like bee stings). There was apparently a deep well of sorrow in there that was just aching to be released, and release it I did.

Which brings me back to The Block referenced in this post.  Our friend who had telepathically described what the little one was saying regarding The Block mentioned scenes of my needing to be near water/nature, and of the little one throwing her arms up into the air (in response to the question "what is the block? How do we clear it?). Interestingly enough yesterday involved lots of water and nature (and yes, this absolutely centers me and is something I thirst for), and lots of arms-up-over-our-heads maneuvering (at the top of Mt. Baldy! During handstands!). Ironically during the movie there were also many scenes of arms reaching upward toward heaven, and indeed it was this movie that unleashed my floodgates. It was as if this day had been oh so strategically planned to provide me a deep, deep release.

I also heard back from Dr. Vaughn's office, and he still thinks waiting until next month to start injectables is the wisest choice, so I can be in town the entire time for any necessary monitoring. So now the game plan is to just relax and HAVE FUN in New Orleans, with some good old fashioned BDing to boot.

Sounds just lovely and just right to me. 

The Goods

The huge injectables box was delivered yesterday, and inside was a small VIP package (Very Important Pokers). In a cooler with ice-packs, nonetheless. This s*** is serious!

I love how the booklet cover lady is smiling innocently into the sun- as if to say "Infertility is FUN! And SUNNY! And even more beautiful in a couture custom lace top!" You'll also note the red bio-hazard waste container for discarded needles. Like I said, s*** is serious.  The injectables are supposed to stay refrigerated, so I designated our veggie drawer as their new home. Sorry to any future house guests- we won't' have any broccoli or spinach available, but we WILL have plentiful tubes of Gonal-F and Ovidril! Yum.

When I had my baseline exam with Dr. Vaughn yesterday I hadn't yet started my period. Nope, she waited until I had JUST sat down with Babycakes for a date night dinner at Clay Pit. She has tact, that one. And I was soooo glad, in a last minute fashion frenzy, I had opted to wear black, and opted for full undies vs a thong. Hey, it's the little things .

At the time of my exam, Dr. Vaughn expressed concern that we might be cutting timing too close with our New Orleans trip, and that, depending on when AF came, maybe we should take the month off and just have fun in NOLA. And then, bless his heart, he said something along the lines of "you know, if you usually have maybe 1/2 a glass of wine a week, on vacation you might have 3-4 glasses- so maybe it is best to take this month off." Little does he know on vacation I may have 3-4 cocktails per NIGHT. And that in my "regular life" I am a glass of wine/day kinda girl. Sweet Dr. Vaughn- who also calls magazines "booklets." Love him.

I just called into his office to let them know I did indeed start AF yesterday, so we will be here though day 14 of my cycle this round. Even though I am typically a late ovulater (day 21 since the lap) the injectables cycle overrides that, and apparently the trigger shot happens anywhere between days 9-12. So I am leaving this month's fate in the doc's hands- either no needle poking and FULL on in New Orleans, or full speed ahead with injectables. Isn't infertility FUN? And SUNNY? Oh, the excitement of it all!

Psychic Overload

DISCLAIMER: VERY FROU-FROU NEW AGE-Y POST AHEAD

You'll remember my post from the metaphysical fair, where I had my aura photographed? So you know by now how much of a sucker lover I am of the psychic/new age stuff.

My sister-in-law recently was RAVING to me about a woman she'd had a reading with- claiming that this lady was THE REAL DEAL.  So being the nerd I am, I booked an appointment with THE REAL DEAL (TRD).  I guess there is part of me really looking for confirmation on the future from these folks- and I have more and more trust in their ability to 'see' beyond when more than one person 'sees' the same things.

My session with TRD started with her putting down the phone & psychically "coming over to me" to read me (she is in California) and see what my spiritual soul level self wanted to share with her. When she came back, she said I had showed her several beautiful scenes- with gorgeous outdoor areas & architecture. Then she asked "are you young?" I said "not really- about to be 36." She asked if I already had children-- I said no-- then she asked if I WANTED children, to which I said yes! She breathed "oh GOOD!" and continued by saying: "you brought me to a scene where I was among soccer moms with you, and there was an athletic child playing. You were showing me that this was coming."

Tingles.

When I  inquired further about the whole children thing, she said she saw two, and that they were hanging out very close to me. She felt I'd be pregnant within 3 months, having a child within a year (the metaphysical fair lady said something VERY similar with time lines- and a Taro Card reading I'd had in NYC on a whim ALSO indicated a child within a year. OooooooooOOOoooooo).

TRD said she was getting that the first child was a boy (from the soccer field scene), and then she paused and said "Wait- I see in a year a bundle with a PINK blanket being handed to you." So basically, a girl then a boy. She didn't sense the twin thing- though when I emailed her that crazy aura photo she agreed it DID look like 2 embryos. So I figure they *might* jump in together, and otherwise, TRD did say she saw the 2nd coming very soon after the 1st.

Other notable things from the reading:

*She asked at one point if I knew I was psychic? I sheepishly answered I thought so, though I don't "see" or clearly "hear" things- I more "feel" energy and have really strong instincts toward helping/counseling people, etc.  She said that I was "clairsentient"-- which is something I've been told before and do know as truth. She said I was often more fatigued than average people, given this sensitivity to picking up others' energy and emotions (so true! All these months I thought I might have pregnancy fatigue-- nope! Just clairsentience!) I am definitely someone people come to to "unload" and share with, and at times it can really drain me. I am trying to learn how to be better about that so I can be fully present to help and NOT get exhausted.

*TRD said I was a healer as well, and my soul self had told her I came into this life to help shepperd people to their own safety. That I was someone who felt at my BEST when inspired and inspiring others. She said I will come more fully into my psychic gifts at age 41 (take note! Check in with me in 5 years. Maybe I'll predict you're about to call!)

I've got to say, I felt really excited after the session. Inspired and hopeful.

And then later that day we had a visit from our homes' architect, whom we both adore. She too is VERY intuitive, and I knew she was psychic as well, though I didn't know to what extent. While sipping red wine together & telling her about my session, I casually asked if she was getting any "hits" from future children. And then she actively started reporting what she was hearing (so fascinating). She said there was a strong kiddo coming through (likely the girl) who was SO ready to come! And then she said this little one was saying I was blocked.

What?

Really?

BLOCKED?

How how HOW can everything that brought me up in the day's session come crashing down with those little words? I felt so frustrated in that moment. I also had the thought that if there WAS this being out there SO ready to come to us, who was in spirit (so all powerful/all knowing) why wouldn't SHE help me get unblocked? Why is it SO hard to really trust & believe the good (like everything from TRD) and so easy to get knocked down and dwell on the negative? Argh.

In other updates, I head to Dr Vaughn's tomorrow for my "baseline" exam, and have my first injectables pack being overnighted as we speak!  I had thought an October 28th trip we've planned to New Orleans might interfere with our starting injectables this month, but Dr Vaughn feels he can get everything rolling in time. He'll just have to expedite the blowing up of my follicles--we've got about 13-14 days to get those suckers juicy & dually inseminated before sending me off to be extra easy The Big Easy. The little one didn't come in with New York City's trip- so maybe she is more of a New Orleans kind of gal? We'll soon find out!

Negative

I had a super crappy day yesterday which involved about 57 puncture wounds.

It started with another BFN in the morning. The day prior when my acupuncturist had seen my BBT chart- she'd declared "you're pregnant!" I know you mean well lady, but really? Be a little more cautious about throwing those kind of comments out! When I told her I was getting BFNs on my pregnancy tests, she was all like "oooo. Huh." Confirming that YES- at this point I *should* be getting BFPs if indeed I was pregnant.

Anyway, on to the day. Allergy testing. I'd figured it was the last frontier I hadn't investigated as a potential link for my migraines, so I went for it. My understanding was that they kind of scratched your skin with lots of potential allergens to see if you have a reaction, which I discovered was *part* of the process. 28 painful scratches up and down my right arm later, I had some mild reactions to dust mites.

 I was all ready to rock n roll out of there when the nurse declared it was now time to do the needles. The WHAT? What needles? She said the 2nd step to the testing was to RE-DO ALL 28 ALLERGENS BY INSERTING NEEDLES FOR EACH UNDER MY SKIN.  At this point I wanted to run, I wanted to cry, I was screaming WTF in my head-- was this all for a very mild reaction to DUST MITES??? So I did what any wimp a**  adult would do- I squeezed my eyes shut, bit my finger, and endured 28 needle pricks. To confirm the mild allergy to dust mites.

Scenes from one of my favorite days ever

This was also the same day Dr. Vaughn's office wanted me to do a blood pregnancy test if my period hasn't yet arrived. It hadn't, though all my home tests were BFNs, and I suspected Dr. Vaughn had been spot on about predicting that progesterone can extend one's cycle and hint toward a false pregnancy.

I totally tried to get out of the blood draw. I was exhausted from the allergy testing, and already had wounds up and down both arms. But no, the nurse on the phone insisted they needed to see my progesterone levels, potential hCG levels, etc. F***.  I had 45 minutes before a noon "Lunch and Learn" real estate session I'd committed to, so I figured I'd get it over with.

And then I sat waiting, and waiting, and waiting at the lab clinic. 11:30. 11:45. 11:50- Crap! One of the things that stresses me out more than ANYTHING is being late. In fact, being ON TIME stresses me out, so I am always 10-15 minutes early everywhere I go. Seeing the clock at 11:50, knowing there were 3 draws ahead of me, I considered aborting all together and jumping ship, but I"d already been waiting THIS long- and did NOT want to have to come back only to wait again. Ugh. I texted my colleagues letting them know I'd be quite delayed.

12pm. 12:15. Finally at 12:20 the guy before me was called. And dude has the nerve to take TEN MINUTES arguing with the nurse about not having his insurance card on him! Yup. That kind of a day.

Finally, FINALLY it is my turn. I DREAD having blood taken. I am a total wimp about it. And then I had my favorite type of experience- where the nurse CANNOT FIND YOUR VEIN AND GET BLOOD. Seriously HOW does that happen? She poked 3x in my right arm digging around, and the pain that resulted caused me to blurt out a fair share of expletives. I was SO close to crying at this point. And basically said I thought we should forget it. I reluctantly allowed the nurse to try my other arm, and thank GOD- she quickly got in and the blood was flowing.

By then I was 40 minutes late to the Lunch and Learn and missed the lunch part (which I really needed after the morning I'd had!) I still can't believe I didn't burst out sobbing.

The cherry on top? The official call later in the afternoon from Dr. Vaughn's office to confirm that the blood draw came up negative for pregnancy. Shocker. Even though I KNEW it would be negative, it is extra awesome to have that confirmed officially by your doctor.

I allowed myself go to bed at 9:15 last night, b/c let's face it, this girl was completely-- literally and figuratively-- DRAINED.

Trispastic

Those of you in the TTC world have probably heard of a BBT chart (Basal Body Temperature).  It's a tool used by women to monitor their monthly cycles based on their waking body temperature. The basics are that a "typical" chart should show lower overall body temperatures before ovulation- then a higher shift immediately post-ovulation. These charts help confirm if indeed a woman has ovulated (shown by the temp shift) and can also predict when AF is coming (the morning ones' temp again dips below to pre-O temps is usually when the bleeding begins).

I have had a very tumultuous relationship with BBT charting.  I started religiously charting about 6 months before we even started TTC, so I could learn my body's rhythms and confirm that I was indeed ovulating monthly.  Once we officially started TTC and were NOT indeed conceiving, I got frustrated with the whole BBT process and put the thermometer away.

Fast forward to this month, when I started going to a new acupuncture clinic specializing in fertility. They highly encouraged me to start temping again- and as much as it didn't sound too enticing, a part of me was curious to see --post-laparoscopy-- what my temps might look like.

As expected, I am a bit spastic with the whole BBT thing (this may be my Type A personality coming out). I wake up many times on and off in the morning anticipating taking my temperature, so have started allowing this Type A persona to take temps anywhere in the 5am-6:30am window. I will slealthfully reach out for that thermometer in the dark & muffle the beeping sounds from my soundly sleeping BC, then take mental note of the temp & record it upon my normal waking time of 7:45ish. The last couple days I've been so spastic I've mentally recorded two sets of temps- one closer to 5am, another closer to 6:30am (those temps were 98.6/98.9 and 98.5/98.8 respectively- recorded the higher ones on my chart). The general rule of thumb is that your temp slowly increases closer to waking, which is indeed what I've observed.

There is a fabled 2nd temperature shift when pregnancy is achieved, called a "Triphasic Pattern." It is also known to follow the equally fabled "Temperature Dip" that some women claim is a sign of implantation.  This month I had a pretty significant temp dip at 9dpo (98.1), followed the next 2 days by higher than ever temps (98.9 and 98.8- today I am 11dpo).  I am extremely guarded about reading into this, based on my history of getting excited over patterns or symptoms that never end up meaning pregnancy. The more optimistic & excited I allow myself to get, the harder the fall when AF actually shows up. And yes, for the record, I did take pregnancy tests at 9dpo and again yesterday afternoon at 10dpo (see- SPASTIC!), both BFN. The temp dip that occurred at 9dpo --if it is indeed an indication of implantation --means that from there my body should begin to secrete the pregnancy hormone- hCG- and once enough of that builds up in my system, a pregnancy test would reflect this with a BFP.

One thing that I HAVE been doing differently this month is taking progesterone suppositories post-O. This was a self-diagnosed request, as I tend to spot from 2-3 days or even longer before AF (last month I spotted red blood at 7dpo- which of course I twisted into thinking "it's implantation bleeding!!" Alas, it was just my jerk of a uterus starting to shed its lining early). I was concerned my lining might be starting to shed too early to sustain a pregnancy (for the record my doc was never concerned, but progesterone is one of those things that can't HURT- just help- if indeed there is early shedding, so I figured I had nothing to lose).

One of the things my doc did warn me about is that progesterone can cause delayed periods & pregnancy signs when a woman isn't pregnant.  I am 11 dpo now and definitely haven't had the normal pre-AF spotting (though I did spot brown for about 3-4 days after O immediately following my IUI)- though I am not sure if progesterone can cause the triphasic shift? I do know my normal luteal phase is 11-13 days, which means AF *should* come any day- but apparently progesterone can extend that luteal phase even without pregnancy.

So without further adieu, here is my BBT chart: what do YOU think?

Extremes

I just LOVE this quote. Babycakes often calls me out on being fear based at times with my decision making, and it is definitely something I try to identify & dissect in the moment.

One of the hardest things when you've been TTC for a long time is subscribing to what you SHOULD or SHOULDN'T be doing/eating/drinking/etc. Caffeine and alcohol are a great example. Western medicine pretty much has a strict "NO" policy with these items, often starting as soon as the TTC time frame and continuing throughout the pregnancy. I've found eastern medicine to be much more lax about those items. My acupuncturist recently even said caffeine has historically had a lot of medicinal uses, and the health benefits of red wine (in moderation of course) are well known.

My acupuncturist further said something that really resonated with me: that the Taoist philosophy in life is to "walk the middle road." To me, this meant to not go to extremes one way or the other. I am someone who is largely a "black or white" person & habitually based. If I find a new workout I love, THAT will be it! And I will start doing it as my only form of exercise. When I discover a new breakfast I like, I'll eat that same breakfast every morning for years. When we do detox cleansing I"ll often have the thought that I will NEVER drink again!! And then when evening wine comes back into my life, I can't imagine a time without it.

There are SO many books written for TTC, instructing women on what they should or shouldn't be doing. "Taking Charge of Your Fertility," "The Infertility Cure," & "Making Babies" are just a few hidden  gracing the shelves in my home.  They can actually lead a girl to madness. "Eat THIS to maximize conception!" "Definitely don't don't drink THAT or your chances will go WAY down!"

I know that ultimately, I need to trust my own inner voice & intuition regarding what feels good and right for my own body & journey. But I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a constant, daily struggle!

A Picture is Worth....

I attended a metaphysical fair today- a place where there are many psychics, energy workers, stone experts, Reiki masters, etc. gathered into one place. I love that stuff! I knew there was a good chance the Aura photographer would also be there- I had gotten my aura picture taken about a year ago, and was curious to see what would come of it this time. The man who does these pictures has you sit on a seat and place your hands flat on two metal sensors. His info sheet states that "the blue hand plates work as sensors to pick up from your hands the chakra points of the body." These pictures can also show angels, guides, and other entities wanting to be seen.

As I sat down awaiting my photo, I relaxed and meditated, specifically calling in any little ones wanting to reveal themselves. I felt CRAZY amounts of energy all around me- almost like a thick fog had rolled in- and my eyelids started fluttering.

****Sidenote: the psychic woman I've often spoken to here in Austin, who has connected with a little one supposedly wanting to come to us, starting talking about twins when I first told her I was experimenting with Clomid. Apparently the little one (who she sensed was a girl) was VERY excited to get to bring in a "sister-friend" with her. ****

So coming back to today's event, as I meditated I invited this little one to reveal itself, along with the twin if that is what they wanted. And here's the picture that resulted (keep in mind the man taking the picture had NO idea what I was thinking about/calling in):

My head is in the center, in the dark purple area (if you look closely you can just make out the outlines of my face). Check out the lower left-- two VERY clear entities hanging out there. This totally blew my mind!

And here is an interesting link to aura color explanations: http://www.auraexploration.com/auracoloranalysis.html

I also visited with one of the psychics at the fair- and the FIRST thing she said to me, after I said I"d like to focus on her connecting to possible future children, was that she was getting "twins." And when she said it she got goosebumps, and she confirmed that the above aura picture was showing those two. In retrospect I wish I would have asked her if she was getting fraternal or identical, boys or girls. She did say that she felt fertility interventions would be necessary to get them here, and that she saw that they were very ready, I was ready, Babycakes was ready, but there were a few other items to work out before they would come. She seemed to think they'd be here by the end of next year, wintertime. Great in one sense to hear- but my active mind quickly did the conception math and that would mean we wouldn't conceive until early next year. So in a way, I hope she wasn't 100% right on that one... that would mean many months of getting poked (see previous entry on that here)!

Either way, it is always comforting to get that spiritual confirmation. We would be thrilled to welcome twins to the family- and today's events definitely lifted my "spirits!"