Thursday, February 16, 2012

The F Post

F the Gonal-F boobs 
F the psychics who all made it sound like a baby would come by years' end next year
F my left ovary for under performing this month
F Diminishing Marginal Returns
F Susan Miller's February forecast which really had me hopeful
F not having cocktails and caffeinated beverages 
F the nightly sweat fests
F all the $$$ spent on acupuncture to "maximize conception"
F Franny & her menacing ways
F not going to Pilates
F all the vitamins I take daily
F my faulty intuition which was giving me a big "YES" to conception this month (though admittedly when I checked in yesterday, I heard a faint "not yet" with the yes. Dammit)
F the daily shots & blood draws that didn't result in anything
F my seeming inability to conceive
F this morning's home pregnancy test which was glaringly negative
F the fertility clinic that still wants me to do bloodwork tomorrow to confirm what I already know

Looks like I'm out this month (at 13dpo a test should show positive). And my overall feeling, obviously, is anger (which always cloaks sorrow- the tears finally started to fall as I wrote this). I am having serious doubts about my own intuition, spirituality, & fertility. 

The thoughts that are soothing me:

*Making reservations for a 5 course wine paired dinner at Wink with BC next week (this was something I'd said I wanted to do all month if we got sad news. Indulge in my favorite food/wine experience).
*Our House Hunters premiere party tomorrow night at Haddington's (I had been hesitant last week about setting this up, knowing how tender this time was, but am SO glad we did- b/c it will be a lovely distraction. And now I can partake in my favorite cocktail- the Corpse Reviver #2)
*Taking myself out to breakfast this morning, where I intend to have a fully caffeinated cappuccino

This sucks. 

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