Saturday, February 18, 2012

Sunnier Days

I've felt so manic depressive the last few days- mimicking the title of a previous post "On/Off, Hot/Cold, Hi/Lo".

Thursday: Negative pregnancy test = sobbing/blue. It was a sad, sad day. I am continually grateful that I have the ability to 'sleep things off'- meaning that almost always after a blue day, I can trust the next day will be sunnier.

Friday: In an effort to make sure today was sunnier, I declared it a "me day." I didn't have any set work appointments in the morning, so I treated myself to breakfast at a coffee shop, a massage, & some online shopping (I have never been an emotional eater, but emotional shopping? Yes please!).

Friday night was our House Hunters premiere party at Haddingtons- such a BLAST! It was surreal to watch myself on National television. I didn't think my voice sounded at all like it really does, and of course I scrutinized every single camera angle they shot. Overall? Adorable episode! My clients were so cute, and it felt amazing to be in the presence of about 25-30 friends/clients watching together.

 It tickled my heart to know my girlfriends in Wisconsin were having a viewing party, and made me giggle to hear my grandmother had made my aunt call her (sadly deceased) brothers' church, to make sure all the patrons knew Chuck's great-niece would be on TV (I am sure all the church patrons were rushing to their televisions! Ha.) I was so genuinely honored and humbled by the excitement of friends, family, & clients toward the show.

Scenes from the viewing party. 
We had folks cheer for the house they thought my clients would choose- 
and we fooled almost everyone! 

Saturday (this morning): I did NOT sleep well last night. Since I haven't been having any caffeine lately, the Red Bull I treated myself to around 5pm yesterday had me tossing and turning for hours. I started my day with a migraine AND period cramps. Babycakes woke me with kisses, saying that I needed to check my Facebook page because many people were posting sweet things about the show there. I felt elated & excited- still soaring on the high from the night before.

Then BC said he had something else to share with me. He had just seen my cousin announce on FB that she was pregnant, and wanted to tell me before I scrolled through & discovered it myself. Ironically she is due right around when I would have been had we not miscarried in December.

Immediately starting to sob, I felt angry (at no one in particular) about BC's timing in telling me (I had JUST put on mascara! I wanted to luxuriate in the afterglow of the night!) I felt so unstable going in seconds from House Hunters joy to deep grief about this month's failed pregnancy endeavors. I choked out things along the lines of "why does everyone but ME get pregnant? It's so unfair! I will never be pregnant." I was a hot mess- flushing from the niacin I'd taken for the migraine, flushing more from my sobs, all the while feeling the cramps that cruelly announce "HERE COMES YOUR PERIOD- NOT A PREGNANCY!"

I can no longer predict what pregnancy news is going to knock me down, though it seems lately that almost all news (most especially family news) ends up magnifying the fact that we still aren't pregnant, which ultimately leaves me feeling lacking, blue. I was so grateful this afternoon to speak with another cousin of mine, who was able to fill my heart with laughter, love, & hope- even through my sorrow. I love how life brings you exactly what you need when you need it the most.

And I'll just have to trust that tomorrow, again, will be a sunnier one.

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