The Four Week Freakout

I have a pattern in life that goes like this:

1. Start a big new adventure. So excited! Pumped! Let's do this! Convince BC to go along for the ride, despite his initial reservations. In the past this has included purchasing homes, going on vacations, and of late- having a baby (though admittedly BC was always on board with this).

2. Completely go into panic mode as said adventure nears. As home closings or vacations approach, I go to my fear place- terrified of the big changes to come, wondering what I've gotten us into- wanting to cling to the old and familiar. And BC- in his calm, collected manner- always helps carry us through to the finish line.

SIDE NOTE: When I was working with my psychic astrologer friend Dianne on looking into possible birth dates for our little one, she ran BC's and my birth charts as well. My primary sun sign (Scorpio), and my rising sign (Taurus) are FIXED SIGNS, while my moon sign (Capricorn) is CARDINAL. No flexible, 'mutable' signs here! I can't say I was surprised. Dianne said this tends to manifest in individuals being very reluctant to change- wanting everything to be in order, dependable, predictable. Um, yes- me to a "T!" Did I mention I was 2 weeks late for my own due date and they had to pull me out with forceps? It appears even in utero I was so comfy and secure I didn't want to rock the boat. But I digress....

So here we are, now less than 4 weeks to having a baby I've wanted my entire life. A baby we tried for 3 years to conceive. A baby I have been so excited about this entire pregnancy.

And I am FREAKING OUT.

*Cue music break*: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4KUL9-eNXzQ
My freak? Not so chic...

I don't know how to explain this feeling other than it feels like I am inching towards the edge of a cliff and about to jump off. I feel like there is a line in the sand- a BEFORE THE BABY and an AFTER THE BABY, and b/c the latter is one I've never experienced- unpredictable- it is bringing out my freak flag big time.

I feel like there isn't enough time to do everything I need to do.... freeze meals, change my car oil, prep all the cloth diapers (what was I thinking there? Did you know you have to wash new cloth diapers 3-5x to prep them, and separate out organic from synthetic, cotton from hemp, etc? Good God!), sterilize all the new pacifiers, figure out how to use a breast pump, set up the baby monitor, assemble baby furniture, connect with BC, etc.

The current state of my home office. 

At least Sam seems to be enjoying it...

I am also freaked out about my business. In typical 'fixed' fashion, I am an all or nothing, black or white kinda girl... so in my mind I either have to be a stay at home mom forever or find full time care for our little one and keep working at a crazy pace. I've been trying really hard to realize there can be a more gentle, middle, GRAY area - where I can "manage" my own business, taking on select clients who I have a history with and who already know & trust me, while possibly referring out new business on a case by case basis. This would allow me to still primarily be home with our babe, but also keep my toes in the Real Estate world. It is going to be really hard for me, come BIRTH DAY, to actually leave an out of office message that spans over a month (right now my plan is to be MIA on maternity leave from Thanksgiving through the New Year, then begin "managing" my business from there). It's strange knowing that the new business I am taking on now I won't be here to personally close and see through to completion. Giving up control of things like this doesn't come easily.

And finances? That's another area to easily freak out about. I had a nice "Baby Fund" saved up to soften the first few months after our little one arrives, but due to our studio renovations costing a bit more than anticipated, we've had to dip into said Baby Fund. Right now any business that comes my way will close post-baby, meaning I will be having colleagues help handle that business and thus be paying them for that help. And baby supplies are EXPENSIVE! Between the nursery furniture, stroller, car seat, swing, cloth diapers (what was I THINKING?), etc. we have already dropped a small fortune.

So there you have it. My less-than-four-weeks-to-go FREAK OUT has begun. In typical fashion BC is as cool as a cucumber, getting more and more excited to meet our new daughter. Until her Birth Day comes I will be consuming myself with business and an endless 'to-do' list- having to just trust that I will be OK. Historically speaking, once we are in a new home or have arrived at our vacation destination, it is always better than I could have ever imagined. And I hear the same is true with having a baby. It's not a feeling or experience you can ever fully anticipate until you get there.

But I still can't help feeling like I am about to fall off the edge of a cliff, into a great unknown abyss....