Meet Franny

I had an appointment with Dr. Vaughn this morning. You know you are a fertility patient when a month going by without seeing your doctor leads you into withdrawal. I was happy to be back in the saddle again!

During the exam, as Dr. V moved the sonogram wand around, right to left, it was clear that growth was taking place!

Sadly, that growth was my fibroid.

Since it appears she wants to be acknowledged, I shall call her Franny. Franny has been a part of me since my first sonograms with Dr. Vaughn. During my laparoscopic surgery last June, Dr. V had elected NOT to remove her, as she didn't appear to be in a place that would affect fertility. Also, if he had taken her out, I would have had to stay overnight at the hospital and my recovery time would have increased from 3 days to two weeks. Hence Franny stayed.

Maybe out of sympathy that nothin' else is currently growing inside me, she's decided to up her anty. Unfortunately she is growing toward my uterus, and starting to push into its left side. So what does this mean? It means if a wee Lambie baby attached to that section of my uterus, it would be as if there was extremely shallow, nutrient deficient soil there, and that little one wouldn't be able to grow. Of course I asked Dr. V if he thinks that might have been what caused our miscarriage, and he said it was unlikely, but not impossible.

The choices go like this:

1. Leave Franny alone and keep her monitored. Proceed full steam ahead with another round of injectables, and should a pregnancy occur, fingers and toes crossed that the little one implants anywhere but the lower left side of my uterus. Franny could be a bit uncomfortable with a pregnancy, but shouldn't pose any risks to the baby.

2. Remove Franny now. This would entail another laparoscopic surgery, an overnight at the hospital, 2 weeks off work for recovery, and a "100% guarantee" (according to Dr. V) that once I did get pregnant, I'd have to deliver by C-section. This is because part of my uterine lining would be cut with Franny's removal. Dr. V assures me they patch everything up extremely well, and that the lining should hold fine for a pregnancy, but likely couldn't withstand labor.

Given these choices, it isn't hard to see which way I'll go. Tonight begins ROUND TWO OF INJECTABLES! The prayers are going to be off the charts this month, b/c if we don't conceive this round, there is a really good chance Franny will have to come out (especially if she continues growing). I think I may go back to this years' vision board and specify that the words "birth" and "deliver" are meant for a BABY, not a FIBROID. Clarity of intention, people.

Ah, Gonal-F, we meet again. Please be as freakishly friendly & fertile as last month!

Kisses,

Me

2012 Vision Board

I created a vision board for the first time ever last year, and it proved to be an unexpectedly fun outlet for me.  I almost never make time in my daily life for arts and crafts, so this is a great opportunity to be purposeful both in accessing my creative talents AND in working to manifest what I want to bring into my life for the coming year.

Last year's board can be seen here. Looking back, the items that pop off the page to me are the $$ signs and the Star Power!, Express Yourself, and Babies! words/phrases.
**$$$: I did have a fantastic 2011 in Real Estate (up from a tough 2010 when Austin finally felt the recession's effects). Check.
**Star Power!: I filmed an episode of HGTV's House Hunters (which should be airing soon- eek!) Check.
**Expressing Yourself:  I worked oh so hard on finding my voice last year, working to become authentic and direct in my speech and release passive aggressive tendencies. Check.
**Babies!: I even squeaked in a December pregnancy at the 12th hour! Check.

I desire much of the same for 2012:
**In the finance department I want to enact more financial freedom, independence, and balance. This may be one of my last full time years in Real Estate before children come, and I want to make it count!
**Star Power? Not needed again on the National level- but I do sincerely hope to be a Rock Star to all the lovely clients I am lucky enough to work with this year.
**Expressing Myself- still a HUGE one for me in 2012. I want to continue to release fear around speaking my voice- fear of authority, fear of conflict -and commit to abandoning any residual passive aggressive tendencies.
**Babies? YES PLEASE. Let's get them to come and stay this year.

Creating my vision board ends up being a week ++ event for me, broken down into several parts.

1. Collect all my US Intellectual Magazines and start cutting out photos & words that catch my fancy
  **I would cut things out between work emails/calls. Cue me to being absolutely mortified one day when my broker called me on FaceTime--running into our living room to take the call, lest he see the mess of magazines scattered over my client files!
2. Purchase poster board & a glue stick
3. Create the first layer of the board- the background
  **I was shocked -yes, SHOCKED- to find myself being drawn almost exclusively to shades of turquoise and blue for the background. I never gravitate toward blue for anything (clothes, decorating, etc) so was curious about this sudden desire. I then had my "AHA" moment when I made the connection that BLUE was the color associated with the throat/5th chakra, which is completely related to expression and finding one's voice. 2012's lesson was loud and clear!
4. Scatter all pictures and images around and arrange them on the board according the the Bagua Map layout.
5. After pictures are in place, scatter all the words around and group them into phrases that speak to 2012's goals.

Here is the evolution in pictures:

 2012- The Year of Blue

 Images emerge

 My oh so helpful assistants thoroughly enjoyed the process

 Those circles near Otis' rear are all 5th chakra symbols

 Organizing words

 Behold! May these visions become reality.

Exhausting work

I do realize this kind of thing isn't for everyone, and how "frou-frou" it can all seem. This was highlighted to me when an acquaintance stopped by the other day to drop off some paperwork. She took one look at the explosion of images/words on the floor and asked what was going on. I took her to view last year's vision board on the wall, to which she noted all the words pertaining to "babies." I then awkwardly word vomited all over this unsuspecting girl, something along the lines of "yeah- we've been trying to get pregnant for a long time and actually did get pregnant last month but sadly miscarried. Hoping to bring those babies back this year!" 

That poor girl could.not.leave.fast.enough. Whoops. At least I was authentic and direct in my communications, right? 

Bring it, 2012!

The Kardashians to the Rescue

I had a doozy of a day yesterday.

Admittedly, I woke up frustrated and angry. A last minute canceling of plans the previous day was still stewing with me energetically, and as I made my breakfast, I tried to dissect and release those feelings.

Then I spent the bulk of the day being micro-managed & insulted (unnecessarily, I might add) by an agent I am currently working with. The interactions were so intense that upon an 11am phone conversation with said agent, I got an instant ocular migraine. I just loathe when another person splatters their 'stuff' onto me, and am always disappointed in myself when that 'stuff' seeps in, coloring my entire day with stressful shades of melancholic gray.

I've also been totally out of tune with my cycle this month. When I got my typical signs that ovulation should be 2-3 days out - around cycle days 14-15 - I started taking my OPK tests. They never turned positive. As cd19 and 20 rolled around,  I decided to temp in the morning and discovered I had elevated temperatures. Historically this means ovulation has already occurred- but when? I am wondering if perhaps I didn't ovulate at all this month- and if I did, I totally missed the mark. Not entirely surprised my body is a bit out of whack, due to all the hormones, a pregnancy, AND a miscarriage that happened within a 30 day period last month.

I have been having mild heat flashes again in the past week, and had an intense need (don't laugh) to make chocolate chip cookies 2 nights ago. These were some of the suspicious signs from last month, so of course deep inside I remain hopeful for this cycle. Only time will tell, and now that I have no idea where I am in my cycle, I'll have no idea when to expect AF.

2012 is definitely highlighting the lesson that there is a higher plan & power at work, and that I need to continue to work on releasing CONTROL. And release it with abundant amounts of self-compassion & trust. I've started working on cutting out words & pictures for this year's vision board, and find that I am being drawn to words like "release," "flow," "discover," "allow," "inspire," etc. All words pertaining to softening & opening, being more gentle with myself.

So last night before bed, I ran a sea salt bath with the conscious intention of releasing all negative feelings from the day into those waters. I may or may not have also written the agent's name from earlier that day on a piece of paper with a few added choice words and burned it in a nearby candle (hey, I'm only human). As I fell asleep, I deliberately opened my heart space toward the agent, working on feeling forgiveness & release while requesting that I grow & learn from today's events. What else can you do?

And my subconscious gave me a lovely escape in dreamland: I got to hang out in the Kardashians' mansion, eating delicious foods, laughing, feeling tickled that I was allowed there. A perfect, silly contrast to an otherwise crappy day.

My Fertility Journey in Books

I was looking through all of the books I've acquired in the last 2 1/2 years of our fertility journey. They definitely speak to the crazy roller-coaster ride we've been on, with all its ups, downs, & unexpected turns. So here they are, presented as a sort of literary auto-biography.

The Optimistic Pre-Conception through First 6 - 8 Months TTC Phase:

                               Because I thought we'd have this luxury!

                                  Learning to chart & observe my cycles

See? So optimistic!

The "Unexplained Infertility" Fear Based Phase- Months 12-24

(These are incredibly embarrassing to buy in person, which is why many were found online and much of my research on this realm happened through TTC forums)

I know, I know- corny. But they have also struggled with infertility, and write about it in a very raw, candid way.

The "I Don't Want to Think About Fertility" Phase, interspersed throughout Months 12- Current:

LOVED this collection of essays by all different moms- helped me get forward thinking toward my life and occupations, and out of my fertility PRE occupations

The Searching/Spiritual Phase: Months 18-Current:

 Love love LOVE this book and actually had a session with it's author before his passing

I am looking forward to a whole NEW pile of books making its way into our home- books pertaining to pregnancy, baby's names, child development, etc. Until then, I have vowed not to pick up any more "Infertility" books, as I am committed to moving beyond the Fear Based Phase.  I'll continue to have about 5-10 different books in my nightstand at any given time- a mix between the "I Don't Want to Think About Fertility" and "Searching/Spiritual" Phase selections.  : )

Christmas 2011 Recap

Babycakes and I had a fabulous Holiday filled with family, friends, cocktails & way too many sweets (as it should be!) I used this month's fertility events as an excuse to 1) buy myself a marvelous pair of ankle boots (I did officially & inappropriately call them my miscarriage boots) and 2) indulge in adult beverages.

I didn't have my camera with me while we were in Kansas, but was able to snap a few shots with the good 'ole iPhone. Here, our first night in town for our "Siblings Night Out" with all the kids:

  The 3 Jules! My sister in law Julie to the left, & Lance's sister Julie to the right

                          The Jules' men: BC, Ricco, & Chad (BC's brother)

After a fun Christmas Eve Day bowling match with the entire family (where little Brady won the Yule Tide Cup for best bowling score!) we attended my sister-in-law's mother's party. Our 3 nephews Jake, Brady, & Nick adore their uncle Mike (Jules' brother) and wanted to emulate his chef's towel-over-the-shoulder action. Little Nick (who is 2 1/2) at one point came running up to Jules and I with a towel in his hand. Not knowing what to do with it, Jules folded it and handed it back to him. He threw a royal FIT until someone suggested maybe he was wanting it over his shoulder. SUCCESS!

                                      The mini-chefs and their Uncle Mike

Christmas Day we all headed over to BC's childhood home for an amazingly delicious brunch followed by our present exchange. After presents, the ladies retreated to the dining room to learn the card game "Phase 10" (I won!!) while the men snoozed in various corners of the living room. During this time, my cousin Heather sent me this photo from my family's celebration in Houston:

This is my sister-in-law Jeannine & Aunt Sheri making fun of me. They are emulating a yoga pose BC's sister and I often do for photos when together. Not to be outdone, Christie and I turned the camera on ourselves and returned with these:

        Yes, we are twinkies. And Christie is definitely WAY more flexible than I am!

Later that night BC's mom got out big bins of old family photos for everyone to look through. BC is the eldest of 7 children, all who grew up in the very home we were at (how cool and special is that?) Here is one of my favs of BC as a little one, with 3 of his eventual 6 siblings:

BC is the oh so adorable one on the left. Such a cute toddler- I hope our little ones inherit some of that delicious-ness!

Our last night in town we stayed at a hotel on the Plaza Square near downtown KC. We had a fantastic dinner together, re-capping our favorite moments of the trip, then met his sister & her partner out for a nightcap. Before heading to the airport the next day, I got my shop on at H&M. I always have to hit that store whenever we travel, and am rooting for one to open in our hometown!

We felt very loved & supported during the entire trip, having chosen to openly share the recent pregnancy & miscarriage events with everyone. I am so grateful to have inherited such a wonderful family, and look forward to sharing these sorts of Holiday festivities with our own future little ones!

Doctor's Orders

At my cycle day 3 sonogram yesterday, Dr. Vaughn declared, and I quote, that my left ovary "was not behaving very nicely." Basically meaning there was a nice 'ole cyst on it (I think there might have been two?) I think all that follicle action last month left some deflated casualties. Apparently ovarian cysts can emit progesterone, lowering one's chance for pregnancy that month. Couple that with the fact that my HCG came in at 8 (where we wanted it 5 or below), and Dr. V strongly advised us to wait a cycle before doing injectables again.

Boo. I felt as deflated as those old follicles.

But also a teeny weeny smidgen relieved, in that my arms will get a month off from blood draws, my body from hormones, and I don't have to do any fancy appointment finagling in Kansas.

I did have Cristy check in psychically with the little ones, and what she "heard" was that the "sister-friend" little one was the one who had started coming in, but because the main little one who is meant to be first (even as a twin) wasn't there too, the sister-friend retreated this round. And they are very, very ready. They know without a doubt that we are very, very ready. Cristy actually cheered me up post Dr. V, saying she was getting that this totally could happen naturally. When they're ready, they're ready, she said. Now my challenge is to truly BELIEVE that.  I will definitely keep the prayers going!

And off to Kansas we go......

Poked and Prodded

We leave for Kansas tomorrow, so I have a jam packed day today filled with needed appointments before leaving town. The itinerary:

 

8:30am: Blood Draw

My arms are beginning to look like bruised battle fields- this being the 4th draw I've had in a week. So happy that my new fav nurse was there, but sadly "my vein moved" as she was poking, so oh what fun that was! Needing CD 3 draw for insurance along with my HCG. Dr. Vaughn won't let me do injectables this cycle unless that HCG is at least 5 or below. This crazy bleeding/cramping/clotting I've had for 3 days now should hopefully be indication that levels have gone down.

9: Mystic Tan (ok, maybe this wasn't a "needed appointment," but I do know that I won't be allowed to do this once officially pregnant, so I figured I'd get in one last fake glow before the Holiday season).

9:30-10:45: Work/breakfast at local coffee shop

11-12: Acupuncture Poking

12-1: Work/lunch 

1:30-2:30: Therapy Prodding (this week's events should make for an excitement packed session!)

3:15: Appointment with Dr. Vaughn to poke and prod my lady parts and *hopefully* be given the OK to start my Gonal-F tonight

4pm: Checking in to see if Cristy might be available to psychically prod the little ones about this cycle

6-9: Movie date night with BC at our favorite Alamo Theatre

Then we pack up for our morning departure to Kansas. I am so excited to see all of BC's family- including 5 of his 6 siblings (no joke) who will be making the journey home! Tomorrow night we have our "siblings dinner" out, where just 'the kids' head out on the town. Then it is full speed ahead to celebrate Christmas at BC's childhood house with home cooked meals, lots of laughter, and many rounds of dominos. Yee-ha!