Break

After the emotional roller-coaster that was last month, I decided we should take a much needed break. And it feels good. Putting away the thermometers, prescriptions, fertility books, calendars- saying goodbye to heat flashes, mood swings, CM checks. Both Babycakes and I feel a big weight has been lifted. We still in our hearts very much want a family, but it feels right to ease off the 'trying' for awhile. Maybe even for the rest of the year. We're in talks to head to Europe in the fall, and the dreaming/planning/imagining is proving to be a lovely distraction!

I picked up a book called "Echoes of the Soul" this past weekend, which really quenched a thirst I had to re-connect with that spiritual part of myself (read it in one sitting, which is SUPER unusual for me!). I am a big believer that we all come into life with certain lessons to learn, and usually the hardest times and biggest challenges are designed to help us grow & heal toward our lifes' journey.

And after our 2nd month of not conceiving, there was a little voice inside me that said this might be a tough road.

 I am someone who is a Type A planner, and when I set my mind to doing something, I am usually successful at it. I was President of my 8th & 12th grade classes. Valedictorian of my high school. Graduated with Honors in college and was chosen to participate in a National Honors Semester in NYC. Was awarded the "Teacher of Promise" award my first year teaching and the "Rookie of the Year" award my first year in Real Estate. I can manifest like the best of them.

Behold my 2011 "Vision Board," created in January. Notice all the 

words/images toward  Baby Manifestation. If I glue-stick it down, they will come!

                              
I am also someone who has LOVED babies & children since as early as I can remember. I was always surrounded by my baby dolls. I had Cabbage Patch families and Barbie families. I wrote endless stories that would all center around a main character- a child- whose mother had many more babies. I started babysitting  at the age of 10. Focused on Child Psychology in college & worked on an infant twin study. Was a full time nanny during college summers and also when I first moved to Austin. I felt a special connection to little ones that exists to this day. Being a mom was ALWAYS something I deeply wanted and assumed would happen- there was absolutely no doubt about it.

So take this deep deep desire to have children and put it with a Type A "if I can control it it will happen" personality, and you get an opportunity for some MAJOR Karmic life lessons. For me, I believe it all revolves around the lessons of "trust" and "letting go." Releasing control & flowing. Ease. Acceptance. Faith. And I think I've finally started to get there. I really had to hit the TTC rock bottom (or at least that is what it felt like!) to get to a place of surrender. My heart is open, and I'm feeling peace about where this journey might take me. Don't get me wrong- I'm not adverse to "picking it up" again, TTC wise, when the timing feels right, and we are not preventing pregnancy.

But for now... a break is just what the doctor ordered.

Blemishes and All

I awoke with a pimple today. And not just ANY pimple- this was a doozy that could in all seriousness win a Guinness Record. So I did what any self respecting girl would do- I picked, prodded, squeezed, & mutilated it into oblivion. Then buried the mutilation with 2 inches of makeup.

Feeling satisfied with my cover-up, I headed out to my chiropractic appointment. When the doc told me to start face-down, I panicked. Smush my perfectly covered face into that headrest? How could he ask such a thing? As I oh-so-slowly eased myself down, I tried to angle my blemish away so as not put any pressure on it. But with every CRACK of my back my face got totally smashed into the seat. When I sat up there was a nice beige pimple shaped shmear on the headrest paper, and there my blemish was- out winking & flirting with everyone around her.

To add insult to injury, the visit must have 'moved' some stuff around, b/c I got an ocular migraine immediately after leaving. As the disco lights started partying in my right eye, I took 2 niacin tablets-- one of the more effective 'holistic' remedies I've found. The unfortunate side effect of niacin (and why it is so effective) is that it causes one to "flush" as your capillaries expand.  So, as I walked into the local coffee shop for my lunch date, not only was my pimple on full red alert, but I had red itchy rashy blotches covering MY ENTIRE BODY. Sweet.

Which got me thinking. Many of us go through life trying to give off a certain impression of how we WANT to be seen. Flawless. Funny. Attractive. Talented. Witty. Successful. We go to endless lengths to preserve these personas.

But most of us, underneath it all, are just covered in blemishes.

Who me, inappropriate?

There is definitely the right time and place to bring up TTC. And I don't know what that is yet. Like tonight. Happy hour with my lovely Title company rep. Martinis arrive and my word vomit begins.

Rep: "So how are you? How has business been?"

"I'm feeling sad b/c I got my period"

"Oh....sorry?"

"Yeah, DH and I have been trying to have babies for awhile. We had our first intervention this month-- an IUI-- which obviously didn't work."


**Crickets**

Schooled by TTC

I figure if I’m going to start a blog, I should share a little history about our TTC (trying to conceive) journey.

First lesson learned: we are OLD in the TTC world (I am 35, hubby 40). Apparently my eggs started rotting when I turned 35, and now getting pregnant becomes more and more like climbing Mt Everest. And I'm not a mountain kinda girl.

2nd lesson:  TTC is a whole new world.  The acronyms! - (found & learned from stalking skimming fertility forums). A cheat-sheet to some commonly used terms that are now part of my vernacular:

AF: Aunt Flo, aka,  time of the month, period
DH: dear husband (or 'babycakes' --'BC'-- if the mood strikes)
CM: cervical mucus
BD: baby dance (aka sex)
CD: cycle day
BFN: big fat negative (as in pregnancy test)
BFP: big fat positive (do these really exist?)
IUI: Intrauterine Insemination
IVF: In Vitro Fertilization
2WW: two week wait (after ovulation- to see if you are preggers or not)
DPO: days past ovulation
OPK: ovulation predictor kit
SA: Semen analysis
BBT: Basal body temperature

What I have tried:

*Acupuncture
   ---over a years’ worth, 2 different practitioners. Allegedly my Liver & Kidney are jerks & need more chi
*Charting my BBT
   ---started this 6 months before we even began TTC- b/c obviously! We’d get pregnant right away! Abruptly stopped charting after 2nd month not getting knocked up- threw charts away in a crying rage, declaring that charting + my Type A personality were NOT meant to be.
*Monitoring CM & using OPKs
   ---I got really good at this- had everything down to a science. 3 days after fertile CM I would ovulate, and 14 days later AF would systematically show her ugly face
*Talking to psychics
   ---who have assured me there is a little girl waiting to come to us. Apparently she is in no rush. Awesome.
*Eating a Mediterranean diet. Eating high fat dairy. Cutting out dairy. Cutting out coffee. Drinking green tea. Eating green vegetables. You get the idea.
*Vitamins & supplements, to include Goji Juice, Evening Primrose Oil, Vitamin B, Pre-natal vitamins, magnesium, fish oil pills, flax seed pills, zinc
*Not trying. Going on vacation!
*Committing and TOTALLY trying again
*Myofasial work
*Chiropractic work
*Massages
*Energy work
*2 rounds Clomid,1 Femera
*Clomid + IUI (one try)
*Meditating
*Painting the future baby’s room
*Elevating my hips & staying there for an hour after BD
*Wearing fertility charms
*Using sperm friendly lube
*Taking Mucinex to increase fertile CM
*Going to a fertility specialist.....to be told our chance of conceiving's uplifting odds are 1-3%/month naturally. Woot!

Tests I/we have done:

*CD 3 & CD 20 blood tests (all normal)
*HSG (Hysterosalpingogram- a test where they shoot dye into your uterus to see if your tubes are open.) Which, b/c I have NO pain tolerance whatsoever and am a total wimp, I prepped for with a xanax AND half a vicodin. Don’t judge. Tubes were open, uterus a bit narrow, but overall I'm good to go.
*Countless monthly sonograms to monitor follicle growth & check for cysts. I feel like our fertility doc is getting more action than my husband these days. Sorry Babycakes.
*DH had SA, which showed extremely high counts, but lower motility. We joke that his swimmers are drunk. B/c of the high numbers, it isn’t too big of a concern. We also know his troops “work” based on a donation he did that resulted in an amazing baby boy.

The one doozy I haven’t yet done is the laparoscopy, where they cut you open make 3  incisions into your abdomen to “look around” for endometriosis, fibroids, scarring, etc. This is a little like the old Chicken and the Egg- do we keep paying for interventions when there might be undiagnosed endometriosis? Or do we pay $2000 for the laparoscopy, knowing that they might not find ANYTHING?

(Unsolicited) Advice I have gotten:

*Relax
*Stop “trying” and it will happen (a personal fav)
*Why don’t you adopt?
*Life’s hard
*Do this chant to connect with your unborn child
*Meditate
*Exercise more
*Drink/eat/take “” (insert endless string of items here)
*Trust that it WILL happen (often said by folks who got pregnant on the first try or have never TTC)

Every month is a new game. Sometimes I feel hopeful, other times utterly hopeless.

Roll out the red carpet- AF is on her way!

More spotting & cramping. AF is most definitely on her way. Took a pregnancy test in the morning just for punishment good measure. BFN. Sat for 2 ½ hours waiting for the car shop to troubleshoot yesterday’s car alert lights.

Today’s attitude? Screw babies. Maybe I am not evolutionarily meant to have them. If things happen for a reason, then isn’t this NOT getting pregnant after almost TWO years of trying reason to believe I shouldn’t have babies? 

Told hubby over dinner that maybe we should just take time off. Plan another trip to Europe. Drink and be merry. Admittedly this attitude might change tomorrow, but that is how I feel today. Pissed. Defeated. And very, very sad. Because at the end of the day, I want a baby more than anything in this world.

22 months- but who's counting?

Today I am pissed.
Pissed that we’ve been trying to have a baby for 22 months now.
Pissed that I started spotting which means that the $600 fancy schmancy “let’s hope THIS does it!” intra-uterine insemination procedure didn’t work.
Pissed b/c the hormones in the clomid I’ve been taking for months are making me nuts.
Pissed b/c on my way to visit a friend who'd just had a baby (AND got pregnant on the first try.  Like everyone else around me) I stopped by a baby clothing store to get a gift. The sales clerk, as she is 15 minutes into carefully wrapping the presents, says to me:
“Do you have children?.”
      (Oh no- here we go)
“No."
     (Is it just me or is it suddenly 200 degrees in here? Damn clomid)
“You really should. I highly recommend it. My mom always told me not to have babies, but I did, and it is amazing…..”
I bit my lip, willing myself not to lose my s***. What I wanted to say was:
“Lady- I WANT babies. In fact, I’ve been trying to have babies for 2 years now, with no luck. Apparently, it is NOT that easy to do. Why don't you shove that pink bow where the sun doesn't shine? And are you F'in done wrapping that present yet??” 

Then, not 5 minutes after I left, 3 new car alert lights flick on. Awesome. I had just gotten my oil changed/tires rotated this morning, so now what?

Let's visit a baby.