Wednesday, October 30, 2013

And So It Begins Again

Two days, two pregnancy announcements. One from folks who were just starting to try and got pregnant on their 2nd cycle, the other from folks who were giving it a 'half assed try' (their words) for the 1st time this month and BAM. Pregnant. Both with their 2nd child.

The first announcements where I feel an old familiar pang of envy well up inside me.

Admittedly, the edge of this envy is duller than the edge pre-Iyla. Whereas before we had a baby pregnancy news would slice me deep like the sharpest of knives, this news feels, well... more like a butter knife. It doesn't cut quite as deep, but the weight of its pressure is still absolutely there, slowly sawing back and forth on my heart.

Truth be told BC and I 'haven't been preventing' pretty much since Iyla arrived. And by 'haven't been preventing' I mean I've been doing monthly OPK (ovulation predictor kits) and we've been maximizing (AHEM) being together during that time. So I guess 'haven't been preventing' is a nice euphemism for TRYING. Even though I've had 7-8 postpartum cycles,  I've only had two where ovulation was confirmed. And there are definitely no BAM! pregnancies to report over here.

The fact remains that it took us 3 years to get pregnant with Iyla. What seemed like a gazillion IUIs, Clomid pills, and 2 injectables cycles couldn't even help. And? I am about to turn 38. BC is 43. These things do not an easy-to-get-pregnant couple make.

I honestly DO feel right now that if Iyla were to be our one and only, I'd be OK with that. Because obviously she is the most beautiful, perfect, brilliant child ever born. I mean- this girl can stick out her tongue on cue. I know! Genius.

That being said, if we were to get pregnant I would be OVERJOYED. And terrified. Overjoyed because let's face it- it would be a miracle! Terrified because of what I perceive are common 1st time mom fears.... being able to love another little one as much as Iyla, and worry that we'd be taking something away from her, attention wise.

I'm not beyond thinking if we aren't pregnant by the time Iyla is 3 that we might want to pick up the whole fertility invention route again, even though today I say I'd be OK with an only child. At the end of the day I'd love for Iyla to get to experience bossing around having a sibling. And yes, there is a little cavern in my heart that does want to experience pregnancy & birth & all the wonder that comes with it again.

Part of me feels like it is super selfish to be feeling pregnancy envy again, now that I have a child. Honestly there is no one more surprised at its arrival than me! I think the root of the envy is witnessing those folks who decide "let's get pregnant!" and then get pregnant quickly and easily. It's the ongoing plight of the infertile....feeling the weight of just how unfair it is how the cards get stacked... and to whom the pregnancies come easily.

So does this envy means that deep down I am not OK with just having one child? Or, is it an envy that will never really go away... a wound from my infertility journey that will constantly ache?

I guess time will tell. In the meanwhile, I am going to keep showering our current one and only with ridiculous amounts of love & attention. She deserves nothing less!


  1. You've had 7-8 cycles since Iyla? Wow. I've have yet to have one. I know you breastfeed quite a bit too. That's amazing. Good luck on a surprise natural pregnancy!

  2. I get it. Infertility is a bitch. It's always looming above you. And the age thing doesn't make it any easier.

    I think that, when it comes to Iyla, her life would be enriched by being able to give and receive love from a sibling. That love is something you can't provide as a parent. It's unique to siblings. So maybe try to think of it that way? The attention may be a little less to her once the baby is born (ok, a lot at the start), but then she'll have this amazing brother or sister to love and that is so very special. I look at my twins and think sometimes what would life have been like for each of them if they had been born a singleton? Are they missing out on getting that special attention from us that comes from being a single baby? But then I look at them playing together and the love between the two of them, that special bond, and I know I made the right decision (having 2 embryos transferred).