Saturday, October 26, 2013

Missing ME

I had a blue day yesterday. It was one of those days as a mostly SAHM where each moment seemed to bleed eternally into the next, monotonous & exhausting.

I've been feeling a mourning for and missing of the ME I used to be, pre-baby. The ME who had a steady salary and could treat myself to massages, new clothes, & fancy vacations without a second thought. The ME who met friends out on evenings for happy hours and spent mornings at the local coffee shop negotiating contracts before heading out to a noon pilates class.

The new me has come to realize what an introvert I am. A surprising revelation, given my outgoing personality and tendency to assume leadership positions. But my quota for emotional connections gets filled & exhausted quickly. Historically I've always had a boyfriend and one good girlfriend- I've never been someone who can manage and maintain many close friendships at a time. And now that Iyla is here? She emotionally fills the girlfriend role. Meaning at the end of the day I am usually completely out of steam and need to retreat into quiet alone time- devoid of noise, conversation, expectation. Because of this my few friendships have definitely taken a backseat- I take full ownership of that. And most days I am OK with that. Yet on days like yesterday when the blue seeps in, I miss those friendships and my pre-baby social life.

My savings is also now officially gone and we are on financial lock down. I'm having to carefully cut out extraneous expenses like visits to my beloved coffee shop and our monthly massage membership. My toes haven't been painted in months and my eyebrows are a bit unruly. Expenses that- in their little freedoms and extravagances- went a long way toward helping me feel a semblance of my old life.

I sometimes miss the rush of practicing full time real estate, especially when the blues seep in. That moment where the perfect house hits the market and I win it for my clients in a multiple offer situation. The seller client with an awesome house in an awesome neighborhood calling out of nowhere- already ready to trust and work with me. The fine dance of balancing 3-6 contracts at a time, managing timelines, expectations, personalities & having to creatively problem solve. I could dance the dance with the best of them, and was pretty darn good at it.

Yet the truth of the business and a HUGE reason I chose to cut way back is that the stresses during a contract to close period cannot be fully anticipated, and when s*** hits the fan, you have to be ready to act immediately. There is often little control over the timing of things. When that perfect house hits the market you have to GET THERE. When an offer comes in on a listing, you have to PRESENT IT ASAP. Those things do not jive well with my being present as a Mama. I feel strongly that I want Iyla Grace to grow up knowing that I am fully there when I am with her; not preoccupied with stressful negotiations or endless to-do lists.

Hence my choice to cut back on work and be a mostly SAHM was made. And most days? I genuinely love it. There is a gentle ease and pure joy in spending time with this beautiful, bright, loving little girl... watching her grow & blossom. My migraines have lessened, and I can feel in every ounce of my body a different, refreshing sense of relaxation & contentedness.

Just looking into the sweet little face below makes every.single.sacrifice worthwhile 100x over. My precious miracle baby whom I dreamed of having and mothering my entire life. Our darling Iyla Grace, who has taught the new me so much about unconditional love, compassion, & patience. I am a better person for having her, and can't imagine my life any other way.

My heart, my sunshine

I'm quite certain that the reconciliation dance between the old ME- the ME with the healthy bank account and active social life- and the new me -who has to watch every penny spent and now retreats to bed at 8:30- will continue for a long time to come. The philosopher Heraclitus once said, "The only thing that is constant is change." I have to trust that the more I presently embrace this fact, the happier we all will be.


  1. Lots of truths in this post. I relate very much. You'll find a new self emerging, too, one that merges your identity as a fun-loving gal about town and your identity as a mother.

  2. I enjoyed this post about you very much. I think you and I are a lot alike.

    I was worried about losing myself and make sure I make myself a priority like keeping my hair appointments, taking my runs, eating well and taking time to prepare food for myself, and of course working part time has helped define who I am away from my daughter, but my favorite days are those that I spend all day with her.

    I do find it easier to be ME the older she gets. We just left her overnight with grandparents for the first time and that surreal to have a date night and breakfast together with no other responsibilities.